Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2015 6:01:52 GMT -7
I'm always a little hesitant to journal on a forum like this. For one thing it takes a lot of time. The other is where to start and how much to share. I was on another forum recently that wasn't run by a Christian and I found it to be addictive in itself as well as triggering. I am going to be very honest. As a man that has struggled with online chatting and cyber sex over the past 2.5 years, I have to say knowing there are lady addicts on the same forum as me can be very tempting especially when they are using all forms of social media. I wonder if you other guys on here struggle with that too.
So where do I start. I saw my parents having sex when I was about 5 or 6 and it did something to me. My wife had a dream about it recently and in her dream the little boy (me) decided he wanted what my father was getting. I'm sure that messed up my head and had a lot to do with the love hate relationship I have with my mother. from the day forward sex increasingly came into my life. A short time after that I remember being in bed with a girl about my age while our parents were partying. I remember acting out to the extent a 6 year old could understand which of course wasn't much.
By 10 I was masturbating and soon after viewing porn. It was my medication to ease the pain of living in a home best described as a war zone. My mother would be hysterical as my father would be out drinking and carousing. I later discovered penthouse forum and playboy which led me into a world of fantasy about having sex with beautiful women. I would spend hours reading and masturbating in my room. In later teen years I acted out in ways I won't mention as they are just too shameful.
I had sex once at 17 with a neighbour girl and really nothing more until I met my future wife at 18. We married when I was 19 and porn took a back seat to real sex for awhile. After our first child I started going to strip joints and thinking about having an affair. When hardcore porn became available my wife and I would watch it while drinking and use it to make sex exciting. I had a few affairs over the years with acquaintances while out of town and even once with a prostitute.
After we had been married for about 20 years I admitted to my affairs to my wife. I'm not sure why I told her but she was devastated. We stuck it out but I still longed for that perfect woman and fell in lust with a coworker/friends wife. She wanted me to leave my family for her but I couldn't. My wife and I went to one last counselling session where God seemed to open my eyes to the fact that my wife was my best friend. I didn't know how to treat a wife but I sure knew how to treat a friend.
Life changed. I started looking for a church. We came to faith in a powerful way and for 18 years I was free from porn but did have close relationships with some ladies in ministry.
Almost 3 years ago I innocently started playing a silly word game on my iphone with my wife and friends. It soon became games with random players, then chatting with random players, then chatting with a very beautiful single lady from miles away. When she started talking dirty to me I resisted and ran only to be drawn back into chatting again. On the day my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer I gave in to the sexual chat which later became cyber sex for about 2 years.
I eventually told my wife and again she was devastated. I told 2 friends at church and thus began my battle to break free. It's been the hardest thing I ever did. I have cutoff every access that I can to porn, chatting, social media, satellite channels etc. There is a way to view porn that requires me to drive 20 km which I battle all the time. Recently I just finished 29 days PMO free and now on a new run for 40 days of no P, or P subs and no MO. I have some signs of PIED which besides my faith is a huge incentive to get clean and sober. Whew that's a lot. I hope we can help each other on this journey. My heart goes out to you guys that are addicted and especially your wives. Be a team and get all the support you can. May the Lord grant us strength.
So where do I start. I saw my parents having sex when I was about 5 or 6 and it did something to me. My wife had a dream about it recently and in her dream the little boy (me) decided he wanted what my father was getting. I'm sure that messed up my head and had a lot to do with the love hate relationship I have with my mother. from the day forward sex increasingly came into my life. A short time after that I remember being in bed with a girl about my age while our parents were partying. I remember acting out to the extent a 6 year old could understand which of course wasn't much.
By 10 I was masturbating and soon after viewing porn. It was my medication to ease the pain of living in a home best described as a war zone. My mother would be hysterical as my father would be out drinking and carousing. I later discovered penthouse forum and playboy which led me into a world of fantasy about having sex with beautiful women. I would spend hours reading and masturbating in my room. In later teen years I acted out in ways I won't mention as they are just too shameful.
I had sex once at 17 with a neighbour girl and really nothing more until I met my future wife at 18. We married when I was 19 and porn took a back seat to real sex for awhile. After our first child I started going to strip joints and thinking about having an affair. When hardcore porn became available my wife and I would watch it while drinking and use it to make sex exciting. I had a few affairs over the years with acquaintances while out of town and even once with a prostitute.
After we had been married for about 20 years I admitted to my affairs to my wife. I'm not sure why I told her but she was devastated. We stuck it out but I still longed for that perfect woman and fell in lust with a coworker/friends wife. She wanted me to leave my family for her but I couldn't. My wife and I went to one last counselling session where God seemed to open my eyes to the fact that my wife was my best friend. I didn't know how to treat a wife but I sure knew how to treat a friend.
Life changed. I started looking for a church. We came to faith in a powerful way and for 18 years I was free from porn but did have close relationships with some ladies in ministry.
Almost 3 years ago I innocently started playing a silly word game on my iphone with my wife and friends. It soon became games with random players, then chatting with random players, then chatting with a very beautiful single lady from miles away. When she started talking dirty to me I resisted and ran only to be drawn back into chatting again. On the day my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer I gave in to the sexual chat which later became cyber sex for about 2 years.
I eventually told my wife and again she was devastated. I told 2 friends at church and thus began my battle to break free. It's been the hardest thing I ever did. I have cutoff every access that I can to porn, chatting, social media, satellite channels etc. There is a way to view porn that requires me to drive 20 km which I battle all the time. Recently I just finished 29 days PMO free and now on a new run for 40 days of no P, or P subs and no MO. I have some signs of PIED which besides my faith is a huge incentive to get clean and sober. Whew that's a lot. I hope we can help each other on this journey. My heart goes out to you guys that are addicted and especially your wives. Be a team and get all the support you can. May the Lord grant us strength.