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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2016 20:06:39 GMT -7
Keep focusing on Christ and on your wife. If you need to, lock up all your devices. I pray you have a great time in Cuba. Thanks. Good idea . |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2016 9:38:13 GMT -7
I am grieving today. I really fell hard yesterday and my heart hurts. Long painful talk with my wife. This is the worst I've felt in a long time maybe 3 years. Someone asked me Sunday if I really wanted to quit. Today I would say yes.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2016 13:15:01 GMT -7
Repent and pick yourself up off the ground. Continue the journey.
Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Don't get caught up in condemnation. That isn't from our Lord.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741 
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 9, 2016 20:12:39 GMT -7
Thank you for your honest sharing Braveheart. I'm sorry about your fall. Good job getting back on track. I don't know how much sobriety you had, but I'm betting that you were enjoying a good long stretch of it. No one can take that away.
But as you may know, I believe that how much sobriety we have is not as important as how well are we making each day count. May you do that today with God's help.
Hearing your pain reminds me of painful memories myself. Having to face my wife after relapsing is probably the worst I'll ever feel. My prayers are with you and your wife.
God,
Please protect and strengthen my brother, Braveheart. He's such a great asset to our fellowship. May you shower him with your love. And work in their marriage and strengthen it. You can do anything, God. Restore Braveheart. Take away his sin and guilt. We pray this in Jesus' name. And we receive. Thank you and Amen.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2016 2:46:02 GMT -7
Thanks Kevin. I had a great day!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2016 5:44:56 GMT -7
Well I've finally come to a whole new perspective on my addiction. I've been trying to resist acting out by cutting off all access and being honest and accountable. It works for a period of time but as everyone knows there is always a place we can't close off. I have asked God over and over why he allows doors to p to open out of no where . I finally got it after visiting my mother on her bday. There is a part of me that hates and resents my mother. An immature childish part. I have taken care of my mother since I was 11. I became like her spouse in many ways. My whole life has been about pleasing her but it's never enough. She is never satisfied no matter how hard people try. She has BPD according to a counsellor she saw once. I have felt controlled by her all these years and mb was my way of taking control and medicating the pain of not being nurtured . She tried her best I know but now with my dad gone to buffer the needs she is driving me nuts. I can't be around her. I know as an adult this is wrong but inside is an angry little boy that resents and hates and fears her demands . I need to process the pain , forgive her and grow up instead of acting out in rebellion in my secret life of control, deceit, manipulation , anger and resentment. Lord help me and forgive me.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2016 7:18:35 GMT -7
I know what that is like Brave. My dad has bipolar disorder...it's very severe. I grew up having to take care of him and my siblings because mom had to work to support us. You can imagine the anguish I went through when I was diagnosed with the exact same disorder. Thing is I am not my dad and I handle adulting well. I too had to distance myself from my dad for a time so that I could heal and overcome. So dont feel bad if you need to do that with your mom. You need time and space to deal with your emotions, feelings and past.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2016 7:20:27 GMT -7
thank you  |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2016 5:33:12 GMT -7
Hi Everyone. It's been awhile since I posted last. I am glad to say it's because I have been very busy. After my last fall and weeks of acting out several times a week I decided I needed a process to deal with my character issues which drive my addiction. Even though I knew better I was just trying to stop acting out. That only lasts for awhile, days, weeks or even months but when a trial comes we fall again. I kept closing doors and loopholes and God kept allowing new doors to p because I was just burying key heart issues He wanted to deal with. I am a firm believer in filtering and cutting off access as much as possible to get a measure of sanity necessary to hear God and to limit the pain to my wife. That's not enough though to overcome this addiction. In fact this addiction is not the point, it's the dark places buried deep in our hearts God wants to remove or heal like a cancer. Time to grow up and put childish ways behind me. Resentments, judgments, vows and coping mechanisms. I drew a line in the sand and decided to take drastic action.
I replaced my Iphone with a basic flip phone and joined an online 12 step program at SLAA. I have a sponsor and am working on step 3. I love going to meetings and chatting in the room. Some great people there, many Christians and people with lots of sobriety. I also am going through a manhood series with 50 guys, a intense marriage course and a Bible study on Henry Cloud's "Changes that Heal". I am going to start F2F meetings hopefully soon and last night I met with 2 other elders/friends to share our hearts. God is gently pointing out my pride, anger, resentment and childish, selfish ways in all of these programs. So far I have been sober 11 days and have virtually no urges even though I do have one place to access that God has been helping me resist. If you feel you need more check out SLAA or SAA or a good 12 step program where there is process and accountability. Thanks for all the support here folks. I read and pray through all the posts everyday.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2016 6:13:47 GMT -7
Brave congrats on taking this next step in the journey! Thank you Lord for allowing me to witness Your work in brave's heart. This is probably the hardest step to take but it will lead to lasting change. If you find someone that could be a blessing or get some help from our family here please invite them to join us.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2016 6:15:39 GMT -7
Also you need to update your days of Integrity number.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2016 5:14:59 GMT -7
I am 20 days sober today but barely made it through yesterday. Tough day of temptations. I am currently working on my Step 4 of my 12 step program, resentments. I only had a few listed at first but as I thought and prayed, dozens of incidents came to mind. Life has been hard and in a lot of the difficulties I need to take responsibility for my part and responses or lack of. I don't have the time and inclination to respond to all the posts here but I do read most of them and pray when I feel the burden. It's good to see all the new members here. I wish we had a forum for chat here but of course that's a huge commitment.
If you are really stuck or lonely I would highly recommend checking out SLAA or other good 12 step programs.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2016 7:44:01 GMT -7
Hey you made it through by the grace of God. That is all that matters. Look at yesterday as a win for God and you. Doesn't matter how ugly it got. You chose God. I completely understand about not being able to respond to all the posts. Your main focus needs to be God, then family, then you, then these forums.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2016 13:12:56 GMT -7
well I slipped on day 20. reset. More to follow.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 11, 2016 21:04:50 GMT -7
Hey braveheart, Your experiences really hit home for me. I got so frustrated with trying to quit P in my life even after going to 5 meetings per week, doing so much stuff trying to quit. I was either obsessed with P or obsessed with trying to quit P. It's can be so hard to do. I can't imagine anything in the world that would give me the same addictive high as P does. I would have hoped that God would have showed up and done His part. I guess I had a long lesson to learn during that 6 year period up until my first marriage broke apart. My ex could not understand it. I was trying so hard. My knuckles are turning white just thinking about it. It was a very dark grief stage for me. As I'm writing this, one thought does comes to my mind. I focused so much on controlling my addiction. When I should have been focusing on surrendering it altogether to God. "Okay, God, I get it! I'll never enjoy s*x again! Now what should I do with my life?" When I started focusing on what I could do with my life as opposed to just trying to avoid P, I started to feel a lot more joy and gratitude. I stopped doing a negative program. And when I showed up to my meetings, I made it a point to show them my To-Do list for the week, and be prepared to share how I was demonstrating putting the step I was on in action. No longer was I going to meetings empty-handed. And no longer was I going to use the meeting as a dumping ground for my negative feelings. This is an action program. No more being passive regardless of what others around me are doing. I was going to start being positive. For my last few years in SLAA and SAA, I was a completely different person. And not because I was experiencing sobriety, but because I was acting different. I was being more proactive and aggressive. And I was liking the person I had become through God's grace. And I wouldn't trade that for anything, not even P. I guess feeling good about myself was more important than feeling good. Braveheart, I sure hope and pray that you'll forgive yourself and move forward. That you'll live your life to the fullest. And that your days will be full of God's peace and joy. It's hard to find the right words to say to a fellow PA that has experienced a slip. My only thought is to share my Disaster Recovery Plan. The link is here. blazinggrace.forums.net/thread/2500/kevins-accountability-log?page=7&scrollTo=21289I would find it encouraging for me if I had a slip. Thanks for your honest sharing, braveheart. I think you're really great. Your friend and brother in Christ, Kevin |
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