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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2016 3:16:25 GMT -7
Kevin you are a very wise man and have expressed my thoughts and experience exactly. Thanks for the link. I will share more very soon. Thanks for your kind words.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2016 2:38:56 GMT -7
Today I am so aware of my need for the cross and how much Jesus loves me. I acted out yesterday, the 3rd time in 2 months with many slips and close calls along the way. What have I learned? I have learned there is no love or compassion without boundaries. When I cross the boundaries my heavenly Father places in my life I am rejecting His love because I don't trust Him or believe He truly cares. I am like those that cheered him on Palm Sunday and then yelled for His crucifixion on Good Friday. He didn't meet my selfish expectations when and how I wanted. Father I confess with my mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in my heart that you raised Him from the dead. Because of this confession I know I am saved. I am forgiven. Today I submit to your will and surrender mine.....again.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2016 6:31:22 GMT -7
Today I am so aware of my need for the cross and how much Jesus loves me. I acted out yesterday, the 3rd time in 2 months with many slips and close calls along the way. What have I learned? I have learned there is no love or compassion without boundaries. When I cross the boundaries my heavenly Father places in my life I am rejecting His love because I don't trust Him or believe He truly cares. I am like those that cheered him on Palm Sunday and then yelled for His crucifixion on Good Friday. He didn't meet my selfish expectations when and how I wanted. Father I confess with my mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in my heart that you raised Him from the dead. Because of this confession I know I am saved. I am forgiven. Today I submit to your will and surrender mine.....again. Why is it that we have such a hard time trusting in our Lord God? I too struggle with this. We are such selfish creatures...all about me...what I need...what I want...me...me...me. I get so tired of that selfishness in myself. I have to keep nailing that to the cross. It amazes me what Christ went through and endured for me all the time knowing what I am...a selfish sinner. Thank you doesn't even come close to expressing my deep emotions thinking of this.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Apr 2, 2016 18:04:45 GMT -7
Today I am so aware of my need for the cross and how much Jesus loves me. I acted out yesterday, the 3rd time in 2 months with many slips and close calls along the way. What have I learned? I have learned there is no love or compassion without boundaries. When I cross the boundaries my heavenly Father places in my life I am rejecting His love because I don't trust Him or believe He truly cares. I am like those that cheered him on Palm Sunday and then yelled for His crucifixion on Good Friday. He didn't meet my selfish expectations when and how I wanted. Father I confess with my mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in my heart that you raised Him from the dead. Because of this confession I know I am saved. I am forgiven. Today I submit to your will and surrender mine.....again. Speaking of boundaries, I know that you shared about an IPOD that you need for work. You know a lot of my challenges with establishing boundaries in my life. And I can't say that I've always made my home a safe place. But I'm grateful that I never gave up on that goal. Because with as hard as it is to maintain sobriety, (In fact, it's impossible without God's intervention.) the one place I feel the need to be safe is in my own home. I understand that there is more to recovery than just laying down boundaries for myself. But I deserve a home that is safe. My home is my castle, my safe haven. Today, it would be unacceptable to have an unsecured IPOD in my possession. It's so dangerous. All it takes for me is just one moment of loss of clarity, and I'm sneaking that thing past my wife and family, and acting out secretly in the basement. Reminds me of what I did back in December 2014. I don't have much time now. But would you consider finding a solution to your IPOD problem? I heard there are parental control options. And I'm just curious. What exactly do you use the IPOD for at work? Perhaps if we work together, we could find a good solution for you. Thank you, Braveheart. Take care.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2016 3:17:12 GMT -7
Hi Kevin. Its a bit of an unusual situation. The ipod is needed to run an app that I use in my business as a trainer. It has covenant eyes on it. The problem with the ipod and my iphone that i dont use anymore, is that on some free wifi there is a loophole that cannot be removed because Apple wont allow it. My solution has been to leave the ipod at work and my wife checks to make sure I have. Its not foolproof as neither is me going to the library to chat or buying a new computer or ipad. I also could act out in other ways such as email or even forums like this so there are always places where we just have to learn to resist.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Apr 4, 2016 20:05:51 GMT -7
Hi Kevin. Its a bit of an unusual situation. The ipod is needed to run an app that I use in my business as a trainer. It has covenant eyes on it. The problem with the ipod and my iphone that i dont use anymore, is that on some free wifi there is a loophole that cannot be removed because Apple wont allow it. My solution has been to leave the ipod at work and my wife checks to make sure I have. Its not foolproof as neither is me going to the library to chat or buying a new computer or ipad. I also could act out in other ways such as email or even forums like this so there are always places where we just have to learn to resist. Ok, I think I get it. So what I'm hearing is... that a way hasn't been discovered yet on how to deactivate web access on the IPOD. That's a tough one. I agree that we all have to learn how to manage ourselves in any situation. I work with computers at work all day. And I have to practice self-control as well. You do what you can. Thanks for sharing. If you ever find a better solution, I would like to know. It helps me to hear what others have done to keep themselves clear of temptation.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2016 2:16:29 GMT -7
Yes that's it exactly Kevin. It sure is a temptation I fight with even today . God give me strength.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2016 2:37:14 GMT -7
Well I thought it would be nice to share when things are going well for a change. There is a scripture that says everything that is hidden will be revealed. I am grateful that God is using this addiction to reveal my hidden, secret motives and sins and disciplining me as a good father does.
My wife and I are taking part in a marriage ministry with 8 other couples by a ministry called FFI, Family Foundations International. It is the hardest thing I've ever done and has stretched me beyond what I could imagine. The course is dealing with the covenant of marriage and the teaching is pretty straight forward. The tough part is the homework that is required each week with your spouse. No stone is left unturned, every secret is revealed to each other and discussed and prayed about while looking each other in the eye.
The homework last week was to pray with your spouse about all the places you have broken covenant in your marriage. This is a long list for me and after resetting so many times over the last few weeks I was broken before God and my wife as I told Him I'm tired of trying to figure things out and basically don't know what to do. There were 3 things we were to pray about and agree with. First that the Bible is the authorative word of God, third was that marriage is a covenant not a contract and the second one which really struck me was that we need God's grace to self sacrifice and die to self so we can fight for "us" not just fight for "me".
Since that prayer I have had so much more focus, energy and love for God. I know its only been a few days but something seems different this time. I'm hopeful a stronghold in my heart is being removed. I've been hearing God's voice and He has been using me again. Being used by God, doing what He created you for, is so much more fulfilling then acting out sexually can ever be. The enemy knows the damage we can do when we know our calling and step into it. No wonder he works so hard to keep us off track with temptation and sin.
So Lord give me the grace again today to die to my self and lay down my selfish needs so I can fight for "us" and our marriage. Remember His grace is sufficent for His power is made manifest in our weakness.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2016 16:17:43 GMT -7
Well I havn't been logging in here much lately for many reasons or excuses if you will. I acted out today on day 16 which is the longest i've gone in quite awhile I'm sad to say but again until God changes my heart or gives me a breakthrough I'm just minimizing the damage and holding on. I have read tons of material, watched videos, attended a marriage course, promise keepers conferences and workshops, counselling sessions, men's groups, 12 step groups, online programs and forums, confessed, prayed, shared, repented, journalled, Bible study, served in many ministries even as an elder all in the last 3 years of this battle. My pastor once said we need to avail ourselves of as many opportunties for God's grace as possible. I certainly have experienced so much grace through this sinful season. I know more than ever God's love for me. I have become very aware of how little I feel or show my love for Him. I have a problem with intimacy with God, my wife and my kids. I have always been this way accept for the first several years when I was saved and on fire for Jesus.
In Jesus' letters to the churches He says "I hold this against you, you have forsaken your first love. Repent and do the things you did at first" I think this is what He would say to me.
I would apprecaitte your prayers for a special healing conference my wife and I are attending at our church this weekend. It's all about generational blessings and that is certainly a broken area in my family. We are praying for God to move and speak deeply to all of us attending. Thankyou.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2016 7:14:15 GMT -7
I am praying for you and your wife brave.
It sounds like what you need to work on is intimacy. Our love for God changes as our relationship with Him grows. So where it is easy to be more "in love" (I put this into quotations b/c first love is really more of an infatuation) when we first meet God, it takes work to truly know and have abiding deep love for Him. Part of that work is getting to know Him, which it sounds like you have done and done well. The other part is opening up and being intimate with Him which involves trusting in what you have learned of Him and trusting Him to be what He says He is. That is a major stumbling block for most of us because we judge Him by what we know and have learned from imperfect, sinful humans.
Don't give up and try opening up to God. Yes He sees your heart but it is truly different when we open our hearts to Him voluntarily.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 9, 2016 11:15:36 GMT -7
I'm sorry about your relapse, braveheart. That must be really painful. I can relate so much to your words. Doing so much, but coming up short; going back to my behaviors like a dog going back to his vomit. Thanks for sharing and being honest. We are truly only as sick as our secrets. And you've made a good decision to decide today will not be like yesterday. Instead of binging for another day or so, you chose to recover quickly. So for the past 17 days, you only acted out once. I have become very aware of how little I feel or show my love for Him. I have a problem with intimacy with God, my wife and my kids. I have always been this way accept for the first several years when I was saved and on fire for Jesus. I would encourage you to lay out a plan of action for yourself that would directly address ways to improve intimacy with God, your wife, and your children. If I was in your position, I would also share my plan on BG. As a chronic relapser myself, I had to learn that God was much more concerned about other things in my life than my P and MB. Self-hatred was one, and social and emotional anorexia was another. Looking back, God noted that those two were much bigger problems. Here I am working like mad trying to stop my P use, and God just wanted me to 1) Stop hating myself and 2) Make some friends and improve my relationship with God and my family. How do I address P and MB without addressing these other areas in my life? Your experience is a constant reminder to me that I could potentially act out anytime. I have that choice. But for much of my life, I really was out of control. Even while doing recovery, I would really not be certain if I would stay sober another day; like rolling the dice for me. I cannot identify with the PA that can free himself of the chains of addiction in a relatively short time, and after a year or so into recovery, he's stable and happy. No, that's not me, I identify with the PA that shows up to meetings and forums for years, but cannot seem to maintain a few months of continuing sobriety. That's been me. Today, that's why I pay so much attention to my everyday activities. I use each day to demonstrate, demonstrate, that I'm spending time with God via prayer and reading the word, that I'm making time for my family, that I'm touching base with my friends, that I'm posting here on BG and my accountability log, that I'm working out, I'm playing my guitar... everyday. I need that. And that's also why I keep track of this on the "Narrow Door" challenge to show everyone here how I'm doing and where I'm falling short. Am I doing it perfectly? No, I have a long way to go. It's a lot of work for me, but if I fail to work on these crucial areas of my life, I may be fine for a day, or a week, or a month, but eventually the resentment inside me reminding me of that old self hatred, having not connected with any buddies, failing to connect with my family, failing to connect with God; all these things build up inside me and create a soul void hunger that desires to be filled. And if it can't be filled with good things, my flesh will start to crave what is bitter. A lot of people would consider me s*xually stable right now. And I do not fear about whether or not I'll be sober now. But I'll be honest with you. The moment I stop keeping track of my daily To-Do list, my Narrow Door Challenge, to somehow demonstrate to you and others that I'm making the most out of the day that God gave me, that will be the moment in which my flesh will take over and I'll be back at acting out again. I can never, ever coast along each day like I did before. That didn't work for me. It was too hard for me to fight toe-to-toe with my flesh. Every time I tried to fight my flesh like that, I would seriously get my butt kicked. As a PA, I have to address all of my needs, physical, social, emotional, spiritual. Bless you, braveheart. You've kept at this more than most PAs that we know. Never give up.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2016 3:29:40 GMT -7
Thank you Kevin. I appreciatte your thoughts and insights and I am certainly not in a position to discount or criticize your approach but I can't help but feel you are working hard to stay sober rather than working hard out of freedom, gratitude and love for Jesus. Have you ever considered the doors that you and your ancestors have opened to the enemy or the aspect of generational sin that predisposes us to turn to sexual immorality? Have you ever been ministered to to close those doors and take authority over them in Jesus name? I commend you on your long period of sobriety and hard work to remain obedient, but I have to ask are you really free by God's grace and a changed heart. I was "sober" for 14 years when I came to Christ but I have learned through the last 3 years my idol of sex only went underground through that time and my sobriety was simply behaviour modification. Even that period of sobriety was by God's grace until He had set things in place so it could be revealed and dealt with along with many other character issues.
I ask these questions in all humility and honesty and with the utmost of respect and brotherly love. You are a great encourager for us here and I know you have probably asked yourself these same questions. May God bless you and your family.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 12, 2016 20:38:00 GMT -7
Thank you Kevin. I appreciatte your thoughts and insights and I am certainly not in a position to discount or criticize your approach but I can't help but feel you are working hard to stay sober rather than working hard out of freedom, gratitude and love for Jesus. Have you ever considered the doors that you and your ancestors have opened to the enemy or the aspect of generational sin that predisposes us to turn to sexual immorality? Have you ever been ministered to to close those doors and take authority over them in Jesus name? I commend you on your long period of sobriety and hard work to remain obedient, but I have to ask are you really free by God's grace and a changed heart. I was "sober" for 14 years when I came to Christ but I have learned through the last 3 years my idol of sex only went underground through that time and my sobriety was simply behaviour modification. Even that period of sobriety was by God's grace until He had set things in place so it could be revealed and dealt with along with many other character issues. I ask these questions in all humility and honesty and with the utmost of respect and brotherly love. You are a great encourager for us here and I know you have probably asked yourself these same questions. May God bless you and your family. Hey Braveheart, Very interesting! Thank you for your response. It clearly raised a good thought. Am I working hard out of freedom, gratitude, and love for Jesus? Or am I just working hard to stay sober? I can relate to shutting the doors to the sin, and taking authority over them in Jesus' name. Yes, that's something I think a lot of PAs have done. I'm not going to refute it and say that there is no power in that. But for me, God had other intentions in mind. Looking back, I can see and be grateful for the fact that He didn't just deliver me out of my addiction to P and MB. Looking at my boundaries, I do not look at them a list of Do's and Don'ts. I know that there is a lot of structure in my program. For me, I need that. Not necessarily to stay sober, but to keep myself moving in a better direction; the direction that God wants me to go; the direction that I really want to go. And if God just zapped my P away, I would not have addressed my social, emotional, and spiritual anorexia. Those are serious things. And things that I still need to seriously work on. But if I was doing all of these things just to stay away from P, well, that would be simply "white knuckling"; a very ineffective strategy for me. I did that for many years without success. You have a valid point that if someone is doing all these things with the wrong, human intentions, there is little power in that. It works better for me to see this differently. I keep a positive attitude. From all of this, I'm spending more time with my family. I'm taking better care of myself. My marriage is improving. My relationship with God is more consistent. I'm making friends. I'm seeing God's favor in my life. And I see God moving in my life. So honestly, I'm feeling a lot of gratitude. I'm not "white knuckling" it. I'll reiterate, my structured plan is not an attempt to stay away from P. It's designed to challenge me to redirect my life, to make it count, and to be a blessing to God. And I can't help but feel freedom, and gratitude, and love for Jesus. That's a truly honest answer what's going on in my life. I hope that makes some sense. Thanks Braveheart. I love you, brother.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2016 2:40:05 GMT -7
I think focus is very important and serving God and others is what we should be focusing on. It's what He created us for. Thanks for your response Kevin it helps me understand your methods and hopefully can help others here. May the Lord continue to bless you and your family Kevin. Love you too man.
I feel very clean today and less fearful after an awesome conference on Generational blessings. My wife and I were ministered too powerfully and I am so grateful to God for his grace and blessings. I believe much of my struggles are the result of generational sin and lack of blessings. Now I want to help others to receive all that God has for them.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 14, 2016 19:00:24 GMT -7
Thanks braveheart.
And I want to add that I think you're doing a very good job as the men's moderator. I see God doing much through you, and I know that He's not done with you yet. You have so many gifts being that you're a church leader, a moderator, and a personal trainer. And the God's Spirit will move powerfully through you. I really believe that
I can relate to the Generational blessings, and curses. My dad had some PA issues. He passed it on to me, and I came very close to passing it on to my sons. But praise God. He intervened and nipped that one in the bud. That's a huge gift.
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