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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2015 20:20:55 GMT -7
Yes from what other married recoveries have said I do believe that It IS POSSIBLE to retrain your thinking to be only towards your wife or spouse respectively however the training part is the escense. You not only nerd to be committed physically to your spouse but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well. You can't be thinking of someone or something else. You must put her desire above yours and pray for and with your wife. Be there for her before, during and especially after. Women focus more on the after part by the way. Make sure your time together is what you both want. Don't ever be selfish. It seems funny that a single dude is giving marital advice but I was married and have learned a lot both being married and being counseled by married men. I ask a lot of questions because I want to get it right. Continue to ask, I'm sure you'll get loads of feedback. Women focus on the love shown them by their husbands. That should not be shown just after sex. Don't know about other women but for me cuddling, holding hands, etc is a must and better be shown outside the bedroom.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2015 14:47:44 GMT -7
Well I am pleased with my last week with resisting temptations that normally would take me down. I took my wife away overnight on a shopping trip so she could spend the gift card I got her for Christmas . The room was a gift from our daughter and was perfect. Intimacy was nice but as I said above the hardest time for me is after normal sex and this morning I gave in to M. I learned something very important. i never ever had a desire to M after sex before in fact without P it never led to O . So all the more reason to resist M so my brain can get back to normal . Sex with my wife should be all I need because that's the way God designed us.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2015 15:03:18 GMT -7
Well I am pleased with my last week with resisting temptations that normally would take me down. I took my wife away overnight on a shopping trip so she could spend the gift card I got her for Christmas . The room was a gift from our daughter and was perfect. Intimacy was nice but as I said above the hardest time for me is after normal sex and this morning I gave in to M. I learned something very important. i never ever had a desire to M after sex before in fact without P it never led to O . So all the more reason to resist M so my brain can get back to normal . Sex with my wife should be all I need because that's the way God designed us. Not to go into dangerous territory, but have you ever tried to come up with a reason. There has to be one, right? I'm no expert in marriage but I do know that something isn't quite right in the master design as you put it. Can you think of something that might be missing? Are you two connected mentally and emotionally at this point in your marriage? How often do you two just talk? Is there open communication going on? Do you walk side by side while shopping holding hands or were you separated? I don't mean to pry but I wish someone asked me or us those tough questions in our marriage. Saddly no one ever did and we never really let them.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2015 16:49:19 GMT -7
This problem only has occurred in the last year. It's called chaser effect and I believe it's what leads to bingeing. My brain has been reprogrammed by my use of P. Instead of contentment and satisfaction my brain wants more dopamine. As I resist these urges and replace them with touching holding etc my brain will be rewired to the way I was 3 years ago before my relapse into porn.
My wife and I talk a lot and I am working on more touching hand holding. Etc. It is very difficult but my wife will gently remind me when she wants to be held. We are involved in marriage ministry and we deal with these tough questions all the time. One thing that has become erratic is praying together with our devotions every morning. I feel that has been the biggest thing missing in the last year or so.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2015 4:32:48 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2015 6:37:53 GMT -7
I have to agree with you on the issue of chatting too much. Unless you're self disciplined it too can be triggering. Everyone is looking for self approval and worth. I just recently had a converasation about that very topic. I was gently reminded that what I seek or try to fill with P and MB is really only found within Christ. I see myself at times trying to win approval on this site as well. It's hard to moderate and be there and also trust that things will be handled in my absence.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2015 7:03:04 GMT -7
Yes reducing any time with anything that can become addictive is a good idea. Internet, games, etc. We have to be careful not to fill the void left from one addiction with another addiction. Going to Celebrate Recovery I have noticed that more then half the addicts there are now smokers. Myself, I have problems with sweets and games that I have to guard against.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2015 7:04:54 GMT -7
I guess my point is that there are many acceptable or seemingly good ways to get a dopamine fix. Porn and it's consequences hit us with the hard reality of our motives, brokenness and sinful nature. I didn't suddenly relapse into porn. I was an approval seeker especially with women and others in ministry. I felt like a man when I got affirmation as a leader or a Godly safe man. Porn came back into my life as a result of my pride and arrogance that would not have been revealed in my approval seeking and people pleasing. Cyber sex and fantasy gave me the momentary high of feeling approved and wanted by women. This battle with porn is not a wasted useless unwinnable battle. It is my opportunity to deal with all those character issues that can be otherwise easily disguised. It may always be a thorn in my flesh but it doesn't define me or who God is calling me to be. His grace is sufficient for His power is made manifest in my weakness.
I believe many of us with this struggle for approval and sense of worth did not receive that from our fathers as we should have. It's rampant in society today. As it says in Malachi, the last verse of the old testament,' I will unite the hearts of the fathers with the children and the hearts of the children with the fathers or else I will bring a curse upon the land.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 31, 2015 19:58:29 GMT -7
I also read that too much time on forums is bad. The article said only use forums to get help when you need it then move on and reduce internet time. I agree. I see people over at Nofap spending hours and hours there relapsing more than not. Seeking approval is also mentioned as a source of dopamine triggering. I have seen that and experienced that. Chatting for hours can in itself be addictive even on forums designed to fight addiction. I heard that the internet is the fastest growing addiction in the world. I can relate. I've spent way too much time on the internet, and way too much time on Blazing Grace and other forums. I guess it's better than acting out with P and MB. My limit is no more than 1 hour per day on the computer. I never enforced it until I put a timekpr on my user access. And it has worked wonderfully. I very grateful for it. I like what you're doing Braveheart. We may not have perfected ourselves, but there is an old slogan of AA, "Progress not Perfection". And you seem to be making some good progress. Thank you for sharing.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2016 19:15:59 GMT -7
Had a good holiday weekend with friends and family. I felt a bit of depression or oppression at times and fought off a few temptations. Feeling better today getting back to some disciplines including praying with my wife. I'm in the process of booking a trip to Cuba for our anniversary. Taking each day and hour as they come knowing the temptations can come any minute as I discovered at lunch today. I won't give details but will just say our teens are so messed up today with sexuality. So sad.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2016 11:54:18 GMT -7
Oh Cuba sounds fun. I am sure your wife will enjoy it!
Yes our teens are messed up today. We have only ourselves to blame for that unfortunately. We have managed to completely destroy each successive generation by allowing more filth to be "ok" to justify our own sins and failures.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2016 6:54:45 GMT -7
Another good day. I can already see and feel the fruit of returning to spiritual disciplines that have slipped away or been sporadic for the last 2 years. Praying with my wife would be first followed by consistent systematic Bible reading, proper diet and sufficient sleep. Sometimes disciplines can be legalistic and then becomes another ritual but I'm feeling a greater desire to do these things each day and my depression, lethargy is leaving.
I've also been impacted by a Henry Cloud book and study called Changes that Heal. It deals with bonding, boundaries and living in a world where there is good and bad. Here is a quote that really struck me " We don't have enough grace inside to anesthetize us against the pain of our own badness" Wow! Bingo! There is the answer to freedom from our addiction. As we receive grace and unconditional love from others and learn to receive it from God our pain can be anesthetized legitimately God's way instead of acting out to relieve pain.
Attack and condemnation is the worldly way of dealing with our badness. Judgement never cures anything. Compare Judas' response to failure versus Peter's ultimate response. Suicide versus sadness,Godly sorrow and repentance.
Another great quote "Having been born without knowledge of grace, we need to internalize grace in order to learn how to accept the bad without rejecting relationship."
I have always been quick to write people off when I saw badness in them and quick to judge and attack my own badness. I'm learning to accept and forgive the bad in me and in others with grace and truth. I now set goals to get where I think God wants me to be and get back up without beating myself up when I fail. God's love for me is so amazing it is the best painkiller.
I would highly recommend this book folks. God is good!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2016 9:07:32 GMT -7
You should put a link to that book under resources. It sounds excellent.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2016 12:30:20 GMT -7
I will thanks
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2016 6:20:46 GMT -7
Brave thanks for all the encouragement.
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