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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2015 18:23:20 GMT -7
I'm so glad to have found this site, I really need a safe place to be open about what is going on in my life and marriage. The only person I've ever shared this with was just a one time conversation with a Focus on the Family counselor over a year ago. My Hub and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and before that we dated and were engaged for 2 1/2 years. We are believers who do love the Lord. After dating only 6 months back in 2009 in a truly broken and humbled state he told that he had a pornography addiction that started when he was only 11 years old... (Many times I have wept over this stronghold that has been in his life for over 20 years now and just felt so sad that his Christian parents never knew/ did anything ) The night he told me about his addiction he shared that he had experienced freedom from it and not really knowing much at that time and being naïve I didn't question him. We went on dating then got engaged and ultimately married without ever talking about it again. It always lingered in the back of my mind though that I should just bring it up asking if he had any temptations or struggles at any points with it. I never did though. It wasn't until we were almost married 2 years with our second child on the way that he again confessed. He said when we were dating he experienced bouts of freedom from the sin of pornography but that he struggled with it the whole time we've been together. I just broke down and sobbed and sobbed, I felt so crushed and lied to and defeated, if I was angry at all at that moment I couldn't feel it I just felt so devastated. I didn't know what to do , I didn't know what to say. I had a baby laying next to me in bed when he told me at 1 o'clock in the morning, after feeling convicted, and a baby inside of me who was going to be born a few months later and I just wanted to put the covers over my head and pretend like it was a nightmare. I never saw my has been crying actual tears before this night. We Went on to talk about it over the next couple days and I bought a book about healing for a wife's heart after sexual addiction invades a marriage. We talked about things that could be put in place and how he should pray for God to give him someone to help keep him accountable. At that time either of us felt like we had anyone that we felt comfortable enough to confide in. Ultimately it would be months before we would talk about it again though. We took all Internet access off of his phone and I had the password for it and the computer was secured. He purchased these coins that were like AA tokens you keep in your pocket every day you experienced freedom from the addiction. He said that he was always very repentant every time he gave into the temp Tatian and he just hoped that he would be strong enough to not give in the next time it came around. It was easier for me not to talk about it for the most part I pretended over the last year and a half that it wasn't an issue but it has done nothing but put up a wall up between us. I am becoming bitter and now angry at the littlest things that would go wrong, I blow up at him. Again after months of not talking about it he just shared within the last month that he was still struggling and
I feel at a loss right now. I know I need to experience my own healing and whether he gets it right or not I know I have my own issues with sin that I bring to our marriage that Jesus is working out in me. When he brought it up this last month he said that he experienced a personal revival in his soul and that he felt like he would have the strength to overcome the temptations and that the only way he would be free is through Jesus. I agree with that part, but I think he's scared to share this with anyone because we are in ministry role ...and his pride is getting in the way of him actually talking about this with another person, he's joined an online support group that he recently shared our story with as well for the first time. Even though we've been dealing with this for over two years I feel like I'm back at square one and I'm just trying to figure out what to do, how to help myself, how to help him, how to be firm, yet loving, and full of Grace and also figure out what God wants us to do as a result of our ministry role... I love my husband, there are so many good things in our life and this just taints everything, yet it doesn't take away all the blessings that God has given to us, and we now have three children. I don't only see him as someone who struggles with pornography, I see him as a man of God who does not know how to deal with this, doesn't really want to deal with it in the right way I think and I'm right there too, I don't know if I want to deal with it in the right way that it needs to be dealt with and I just need prayer and help in anyway from anyone who thinks they can help.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2015 19:06:42 GMT -7
Welcome!!
I'm so sorry you've going through this. My hubby tried to quit many times. We put pornography blocking software called covenant eyes on all our net devices.
It's only 14 bucks a month.
I totally understand everything you're feeling. They're we're many days I had to just go to my room and be alone to deal with my feelings.
He needs to choose pornography or you. My hubby and I actually separated in our home for a year to get him to wake up.
God bless and y'all are in my prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2015 19:16:54 GMT -7
I feel for you and your husband. I just divorced my husband for porn and abuse. I am also an overcomer of porn addiction. Been sober 8 years. I would have stayed only marriage and fought for it if hubby hadn't lost his temper and left bruises on me.
Your husband is a man of God and a sinner. God uses the most broken of us for His glory. Look at the men He used in the Bible...David, Paul... David was a man after God's own heart and look what he did. Adultery and murder. What your husband needs to do is come clean and tell his head pastor. Sin has to be confessed and dragged into the light in order for there to be lasting change. Will there be consequences that have to be faced? Yes.
Your husband needs accountability from you and from a male that he respects. You both need counseling individual and marriage. It would be great if it was Christian based. Your children should also be in counseling. They pick up so much and internalize it.
You need to know that everything you are feeling is ok. Your husband violated your trust along with the sacred vows he made to you on your wedding day. You need to sit down, pray and then come up with a set of things he needs to do to earn your trust back. You also need to start talking to someone you trust that will give you Godly advice, encouragement and support. This addiction affects you and your children in a way no other addiction does.
All addictions start because of a choice and they are fed by a choice. Your husband needs to choose who he is going to serve...God or sin. It won't be easy to break the addiction. It takes hard work and leaning heavily on God. He will never be free from temptation or urges. He will have to learn how to handle them in a correct and Godly manner. I am 8 years sober and to this day I fight urges and temptations. I have to be diligent in what I let into my thoughts and what I see and hear. We are in a battle and we can't let ourselves get complacent because that is when the enemy strikes.
Where or what will happen to the ministry you are in...only God knows for sure. Just remember that God works all for His good and if you follow and stay close to Him, you will come out stronger, wiser and giving Him the glory.
I am glad you found our small community and I pray you find some much needed encouragement, prayer and friendship here. Please feel free to post in all the forums not just this one. I have an accountability thread that really has more to do with what is going on with me right now then addiction.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2015 21:24:31 GMT -7
Thank you both for taking the time to read what I shared and thank you so much for your prayers and what you wrote. It's seems so overwhelming to know that what we have been doing by ignoring the deep issues of our marriage and faith walks has to come to an end and we have to do the major work that a full healing needs. We are so busy with everything in our life it's all that much easier to live on the surface of things, and let pornography just be the elephant in the room. . Sometimes when I think it really would just be better to pretend it's not an issue I play over in my head some of the things he revealed when he first shared, after almost 2 years of marriage, that especially when we were first married he imagined I was someone else while we were having sex.....how can I know that to be true and ignore it! I'm done with lying to myself and need to remember that his sin is ultimately before God and I don't want to have any part in allowing it to go unchecked. I think I have to have a boundaries list the next time we talk about this, which I hope will be tomorrow. I want to do this the right way even if it's painful bc I want what only God can do in us, which is complete restoration. Is there a phone support group through this site or if there isn't here can you recommend one? Is there a book or any material I could recommend to my husband.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2015 10:08:54 GMT -7
There is a phone support group here. Go to the home page to sign up. I was able to do the phone group once and she gave me great advice. Write out a list of boundaries or basically demands and if he isn't willing to meet them, then the marriage is over. I am the administrator on the Covenant Eyes and I get a weekly report to see if he looked up anything bad. I can also set it from child to adult to control content too.
If cable is a problem, call the company and put a pin number or parental controls on your TV too.
The owner of the site, Mike has two books out your hubby can read or perhaps you can read them together.
We got to Celebrate Recovery which is for people with hurts, hangups and habits (addictions.) They also do a nine month Bible study which I haven't yet been able to do that will help you and your husband heal. Google their website and find a church in your area that has one. I live in the Richmond, VA area and I have three five minutes from my house and it's in 20K churches worldwide now. It's about time the church deals with hurting people, marriages and even your children can go. He can also find a sponsor. Mine has yet to find one. He was going to pick this one guy and this control freak wouldn't let him be his sponsor b/c he hadn't been through the classes...whatever. Mine has to find a sponsor for life and attend CR for the rest of his life for us to stay married. Porn will be a struggle or a temptation for life. It does get easier.
They also have support groups for all three that I mentioned for women and men. You wouldn't believe the women I meet whose hubby had a P problem. By doing porn, you hubby is giving Satan a foothold in the home and once he destroys your marriage, he will go after you children.
I stayed for over a decade and my oldest has a severe eating disorder and now a drug problem and she's only 18. She's in the psych ward for the third time in 18 months. My daughter walked in on him doing porn and he left a porn link up on her DS device. I think she might have also looked at porn too, IDK.
Read my thread about in the prayer section about titled "my daughter ran away to CA." She home safe, but she did pot laced with Spice. Porn messed my husband up first, then me (every relapse makes us go through PTSD and Trauma again).
Marsha Means book, "Your sexually addicted spouse" you should read. It totally validates everything you're feeling. I have some info listed in the resources section. I also read the wive's articles to my husband especially the one about letting me vent my anger at him even if I swear and it gets ugly. Once the PTSD wears off...boy does the anger come b/c porn IS adultery and if it's not stopped, it can lead to physical adultery as well.
I'm sorry my first post was short and blunt. My puter was acting and I was typing on a phone which I HATE to do.
Take a look around and read some articles. The owner of this website, it took his wife 15 years to forgive him. I haven't forgiven mine b/c he was addicted for 11 years. He robbed me and my children of so much and robbed my children of a mother one my oldest needed to be there emotionally for and I felt like I wasn't.
Hugs and my prayers are with you. Oh, there is also a prayer line for the hubby as well.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2015 10:13:58 GMT -7
And I ditto Amy's great post. Your among friends here and you won't be judged...at all for opening up about anything.
In Celebrate Recover the rules are: we are not here to fix one another, but to support, listen and pray for one another.
God Bless, hon.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2015 14:14:40 GMT -7
There are many good books out there that can help however the only book that worked for me was the bible. The thing is that you can read and read and learn and learn but still be stuck in the addiction. It is only with a heart change that the addiction can be overcome. There is only one book that can facilitate that kind of change. And there is only one God that can work that kind of miracle.
It is not going to be easy. There will be much pain. Your pride has to go...not just take a hit but completely be decimated in order for God to reform and build up that which we have tried to do ourselves. I am not talking about just your husband here...you will go through this also. This will be especially difficult for your husband. Men get so wrapped up in pride and respect.
Pray, study the bible, drag the sin into the light, lean on God and be prepared to take the hits that will get thrown at you. You will need all your armor. Unfortunately you are going to have to be the strong one in this fight especially in the beginning. Do Not let yourself give in to the wheedling or excuses. Stand firm. Had I done this instead of trying to give the benefit of the doubt, things wouldn't have progressed as far as they did and I would not have had to confront my ex on the child porn he viewed while I was with my family for a week.
One thing you need to be aware of...where any addiction is concerned...is that it takes more and more to get that high that is experienced. With porn that means it progresses from tame stuff to harder stuff and then into taboo and illegal....sometimes even into actual sexual acts. Another thing to be aware of....Facebook and YouTube is where many get their porn. My ex it was YouTube that I found the child porn on. If it is computer generated, it isn't considered porn.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2015 20:15:09 GMT -7
Thank you ladies, I'm really trying to take in what you are sharing. I don't think I'll truly grasp how hard it will all be until we're actually going through the process of all that this will bring about. I chickened out when I had the opportunity to bring it up this morning... I don't even know how to bring it up, I went over a dozen ways to start talking about how we need to stop ignoring our problems and start fighting for our marriage and family... Nothing came out of my mouth though. Please please pray for me to rely on God's strength as I feel weak and for my husband to be willing to do the work that this will require, even though we don't know fully what that will mean. I'm struggling to know just what the boundaries I make up should include..again I ask for prayer for that. Bless you ladies, praying just now you are both stengthened and encouraged by the Lord.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2015 20:49:24 GMT -7
Yeah it isn't easy to start the conversation or confront them on their behavior. My question to you is this...Do you want the marriage God envisioned or the irreparably broken one you have now? You are a daughter of God and you have the strength needed to do this through Christ our savior. Lean on Him and don't let fear stop you from fighting for your marriage. You can do this.
I am praying for you and your family.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2015 21:48:08 GMT -7
Your right Amy, I've just spent so long trying to ignore this, now I need to have a complete shift in my thinking. We have to stop settling and I have to act on what I know it right because even thought I cant see what is ahead I know what is behind is not where want to be anymore. I have prayerfully put together my boundaries list that includes covenant eyes, speaking to those over us in ministry, and couseling. I will share my hus bands response when we are able to talk. I covet your prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2015 10:17:11 GMT -7
You can do this. If you have a hard time talking about it with him, type it up and make him sign it in front of a pastor. He can also have another accountability partner with Covenant Eyes too as well as you.
CE I believe does one month for free.
Good luck hon and ya'll are in my prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2015 11:26:15 GMT -7
How are you doing, hon? What a crappy time of year for you to have to deal with this? The first time I caught him was 2006 at Christmas time. Let's see, he also admitted to it again on Thanksgiving one year b/c I could tell. Then I caught him again last year 2 day before my 43rd birthday.
I hate porn and I wish it was outlawed.
Ya'll are still in my prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2015 10:45:10 GMT -7
Thank you for praying still homeschooler. We have just been so busy with everything this month, it's been unreal. I want to address this before the New Year bc I don't want this next year to be like all the others. Having three kids 3 and under makes it so challenging to find time to talk bc two of our kiddos do not go to bed easily and the other wakes up early.... I think I just need to start the conversation even if a million things do come up and we can't continue that day at least I will show then that its a big priority to me. Please keep checking on me if you can, I don't want to just let this go on. Blessings to you!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2015 11:24:21 GMT -7
How about a babysitter? You and hubby could go somewhere and talk. A park in the car with the heat running. I wouldn't want to have that conversation in public. Or maybe someone take your kids for a couple of hours so you have the house to yourselves.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2015 12:37:23 GMT -7
Ooof, three kids under three! You're prolly worn out in more ways than one.
And I totally understand have little ones under your feet. Life is a blur. I gave birth to three children in five years and I calculated that I changed diapers for eight years straight. I think I'll get a nice big jewel in my crown in Heaven for that too LOL.
Perhaps you can get a babysitter when you need to talk to him. Or like I said, have a third party member there with you.
I'll keep praying for ya'll. God Bless.
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