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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2017 10:25:43 GMT -7
Cma, hugs Sweetie! You have been missed here. I am glad you posted and let us know how you are doing. Congrats on your new bundle of joy!
It sounds like you and your husband are taking some positive steps and that is wonderful. This journey is slow and tough going but as long as you both are working toward a better marriage and a stronger relationship with God, you will get there.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2017 15:49:34 GMT -7
Hi Amy! It's good to be back, and you and the team here are still doing such a great job being so helpful and encouraging as I have been reading a number of posts. For my husband and I have been thinking we have so many tools and books and head knowledge of how we can help our marriage as we deal with other struggles like his SA and others like lack of or negative communication and bad conflict resolution but we get so apathetic it seems to put in the consistent effort and energy that it takes. We've been talking a lot about intimacy at our counseling sessions and how my hub settles for fake intimacy with pornography and how only true intimacy with Jesus will be how he can walk in true freedom. As I've been reading some posts on here I was reminded of the term and meaning of intimacy anorexia and I think I should bring that up at our next counseling bc I really think that describes my husband. We seem to have every reason (aka excuse) to live on the surface of our lives and barely get by with putting in the effort and energy to fight for our marriage - our 4 young children, our special needs child, our busy ministry, not living near family in a new place for the last year, etc etc and I am trying to figure out how to stop just TALKING to my husband about how we need to start changing And actually just start making changes for my part. For instance it's so easy after a long day for us to spend the time we have together after the kids are in bed just eating snacks and watching something rather than communicating about things that matter or just having time with the Lord together. This has how it's consistently been for the 6 years so far in oue marriage and now instead of just talking about how I want it to change I am trying to actually change it by asking to read scripture or having conversation even if it's the hard stuff we have to talk about. My husband still does not have any true accountability and I know this such a problem. A couple weeks ago though he was having lunch with his parents and he told them about his SA addiction, which is huge!!! It's been a secret for so long, I was just so proud of him and I know this is a good step in the direction to walk or of secrecy and shame. I can so easily focus on the negative but yes there are and have been a number of positive things my husband has done over the last few months and I probably need to let him know that I am proud of him and encourage him in this!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2017 18:48:13 GMT -7
CMA - I just read your latest posts. Thank you for sharing. I can relate to everything you said. Hang in there. If you stay diligent with your recovery you will get better. For myself I have really cut out all the noise and destress by doing simple things each day for myself - prayer in the morning reading co dependent recovery material calling another recovering partner attending Alanon or 12 step meetings prayer at night These things have rocked my world for the better! As long as I stick to my recovery program the better I am getting. My focus is on my recovery and it feels good! Also my counselor stresses very strongly to believe behavior. My counselor told me that SA are master minds at verbal promises and that how a SA ( or any addict ) operates is by saying what we want to hear and I have always believed what my SA has said. Only to realize at some point that it was all a lie. I am really watching my husband's behavior - I believe behavior not what he says. I am so grateful that I found recovery for partners. We have Alanon here so those meetings do help me. My husband and I are recovering together ...... it's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Progress is messy..... we are ether each moving forward or moving backward .....I have certainly moved backward many times however I feel I am finally moving forward now ....blessings for your newborn. You have a lot to be greful for .... I do to. One thing I am learning is to really pray for my husband and also for myself to stay on my recovery path. My husband and I are going to a 3 day Christian SA couples retreat this month. I hope this helps us .... I think it will.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2017 20:28:47 GMT -7
Cma, Goldie is a fount of knowledge especially with intimacy anorexia. I highly recommend reading some of her other posts and she has recommended some books and such in the resources section. Until Goldie joined and started talking about intimacy anorexia, I never realized how much of a problem it is for people that have a sexual addiction.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2017 20:37:09 GMT -7
I am glad you are making an effort to change even though it's hard. Your hubby owning up to his parents about his SA is huge! Let him know how much you respect him for taking such a hard step. Heck, tell him he has gained my respect for doing that. That took a tremendous amount of humbleness and strength, both of which he got from God.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 4, 2017 12:02:31 GMT -7
Hi CMA! Thanks for checking back in with us. Welcome back!
Congratulations on your new baby. But I'm sure it's keeping you busy.
This has been a long hard road for you and your husband. Don't give up! There's so much hope!
I tried calling your husband, but he must have a different number now. Maybe we can connect again. He needs encouragement and support too.
But wow! It's really good to hear from you. Bless you sister! God will bring you through this. And you'll be better because of it.☺
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2017 6:32:13 GMT -7
Thank you all for the thoughtful, true, and kind words! This last month has been good for us with actually putting into practice good communication habits. We have two debrie questions that we try to talk about with each other, simple questions that are meant to get deep by our answers. At night we ask "how was your day?" And "How is your soul? meaning how and did you connect with God today? We've been better about the night convos bc we have more time we're also suppose to ask 2 questions each morning, but we've been more inconsistent about this, those questions are "how can I help you today?" And "how can I pray for you today?" We started this coming back from a vacation in July and I've already seen good come from it in how we relate to each other and how we use our time more wisely especially at night with each other, we've been reading scripture together a whole lot more as well! My husband has been listening to a podcast that helps him called "porn free radio" multiple times a week, and he has joined another Christian message board where he says he often goes there instead when he feels temptation. I am so proud of the steps he has taken to be more proactive and I am trying to pray more for him specifically bc I know that's my biggest role in his recovery. I've been reading more uplifting books when it comes to my recovery, and spending more time I scripture specially in the morning before I start my day has made a huge impact on my spirt on the days I do it
Kevin, it would be great for you to reconnect with Scott, after we moved I tried to private message your wife with his new number but I can give it to you again, what's the best way?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 13:14:59 GMT -7
I am nearing 61 and my husband is 63. I caught him doing porn again and a hookup site, though he says they were "spam", though the browser clearly shows he opened gobs of them and went to the hookup site no less than 5 times. He tells me he never lusted. He has been in an accountability group before but, according to him, it "didn't help" and he went to counseling too. He says he will join the accountability group, but what good will it do him if he doesn't admit his lust? I am too old for this. I don't know why he won't give up on this marriage, I've just about given up on it. I know he did not look at all of those things without lusting. It's in his past bigtime. Why demand a wife when you could just have your secret life? Why?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 14:59:57 GMT -7
I am nearing 61 and my husband is 63. I caught him doing porn again and a hookup site, though he says they were "spam", though the browser clearly shows he opened gobs of them and went to the hookup site no less than 5 times. He tells me he never lusted. He has been in an accountability group before but, according to him, it "didn't help" and he went to counseling too. He says he will join the accountability group, but what good will it do him if he doesn't admit his lust? I am too old for this. I don't know why he won't give up on this marriage, I've just about given up on it. I know he did not look at all of those things without lusting. It's in his past bigtime. Why demand a wife when you could just have your secret life? Why? Hugs sweetheart. I don't remember if anyone asked you or suggested this to you so if I am repeating it please forgive me. Are you in individual counseling? If not you need to find a counselor that has knowledge in dealing with sexual addiction. Counseling has helped so many of us here on the forum. You may need to try out more than one counselor until you find one that can help you. Have you tried journaling or letter writing? I wrote some letters and burned them...very cathartic. You could also give the letter to the person. Also be sure to spend time with God reading the bible and listening to worship music. He is your anchor in this storm. Also BG offers a prayer group for the wives. You can sign up for it on this page www.blazinggrace.org/wives-marriages/
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2018 11:26:31 GMT -7
When I was a child, I was sexually abused, emotionally abused, physically abused and abandoned. When I found out my husband was a sex addict, I raised my fist toward heaven and said, "I don't trust you". I separated from my husband and demanded he get help and it culminated in our remarrying down the road. About 4 years ago, I found him with pornography again. Now again a month ago, I just asked God, "Why don't you just kill me?" That's how hopeless I feel. I am now 61, have suffered the pain of a bad back due to years as a nurse, am disabled. I hoped and I believed, only to discover I was a fool. I have been going to counselor (Christian) because of PTSD and am on meds. TERRIBLE PTSD. I can go to my counselor, but I feel all hope is gone, I don't believe in romance or his "truth" anymore. It took 17 years with my father to stop his sexual addiction and it was only when the church intervened. It went almost through the whole family. My mother just went into denial. There is a lack of a sense of safety in me and God took me through times I thought I'd have a heart attack from stress, no one could endure hardly that. I was taking care of patients and all. I have been so forgiving and it has just turned against me. I am on disability and can't afford to move out, or I would. Where is God in all of this?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2018 12:14:29 GMT -7
Oh hon, your story mimics mine. I am so sorry. I wouldn't wish what we endured on an enemy. I too have railed and screamed at God. I also turned my back on Him.
I can tell you where He was in my life during all this mess. He was standing there in front of me with tears in His eyes and wide open arms. Once I worked through some of the garbage and put the blame where it belonged (at the feet of those that wronged me), I could seem Him more clearly. He can't stop the wrong others do because of our free will but He is right there to help you heal if you let Him.
One thing I have learned in my journey is that those of us that have survived any type of abuse or neglect growing up are broken and being broken we don't make healthy choices. We tend to repeat the cycle of abuse in our own relationships because we haven't healed and worked on our broken thinking. Just looking at my father and then the man I chose to marry, the similarities are uncanny.
If you truly want to move out, there are nonprofits and government agencies that can help. If you would like me to help you with this, just message me. I would be glad to help.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 14:09:04 GMT -7
I am seriously considering. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply and the offer of help. I have a Christian Therapist I will be seeing in March and I will be asking for resources.
My husband is still denying the extent of the problem, but says he is signing for the 8 week men's group. I know from his confession "I looked at porn 4 months ago several times", from the browser history, it's been months. He went to affair sites, also on the history, I told him I loved him, but wanted to leave and he started crying. I don't think it's real, just crocodile tears, cannot understand why he cannot let me go if he is so willing to go to these lengths. It's crazy. I cycle back and forth with anger, emotional bars around my heart, feeling nothing, and sadness. I don't know how someone denying the extent of the problem can be helped by an 8 week course. I'll wait and see if he comes out of denial during the course, but holding out for a plan. He was in bed next to me and he was saying something like "if she knew, she would call me every name in the book". "I've got to decide". I am living in a counter universe it seems. My family knows I am going through again with him, I am getting the "forgive and forget" scenario from almost all of them, making me feel worse because they know the pain of what I have been through.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 15:59:42 GMT -7
The forgive and forget stuff is a bunch of hooey. You forgive him to start healing yourself. Forgiving him does not mean that you open the doors wide open and give him free reign. Would you forgive a theif and give him unfettered access to your most valuable things? No. Same holds true here. Look for sustained change by his actions and deeds. Do not believe what he says until it matches his actions. Boundaries will be key here. They will help you feel safe and help you decern the truth.
Forgiving him now allows you to work on your hurt and anger. It's a long process. You will find yourself having to forgive for the same thing more than once.
Forgiving does not mean trusting. Your husband us going to have to earn your trust and respect back. For some reason people today get these things meshed together when they are completely separate. Don't let anyone guilt into believing otherwise.
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