KevinesKay
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Posts: 1,735
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 19, 2015 22:31:58 GMT -7
One of the things we talked about was covenant eyes vs. What XXXChurch offers for monitoring internet use. He thought they were the same thing one xxx was free, does anyone have any knowledge on that? CE is got to be the best internet filter around. I actually have never used it. I'm too cheap. lol. Actually, I would consider using it, but it doesn't work on my LINUX operating system. However, I have used 3Xwatch, the free one provided by XXXChurch. Here's how I would describe it. 3XWatch is not an internet filter. With 3XWatch, I can view as much P as I want until I get caught. What 3XWatch does is send an email every 2 weeks to two designated accountability partners. And I would have no idea what reports would look like unless I set up myself as an accountability partner (which is something I would not recommend for your husband). If you want more than 2 accountability partners you will have to pay. For me, having a P blocker set up on my computer was just as important as accountability. And I'm sure I could find some "Borderline" P that 3XWatch would overlook. So I didn't care for it. But one good thing about 3XWatch is that it's virtually impossible to bypass. As a PA, I can get creatively sneaky. If you try to block my computer, make sure you don't give me administrative access. And keep an eye on other devices such as the TV, tablets, game systems, and smart phones. If you give me access to any of those, you might as well leave everything out in the open. I would like to ask your husband what exactly it would take to cut off all access to P in your home. He probably would know better how to make that happen than anyone else. I sure hope your husband can find friends to confide in and hold himself accountable to. Being that he is a minister, I'm certain that many people will not be very sympathetic to his situation. So hopefully, he can exercise enough caution to avoid confiding in the wrong people. Many of my phone buddies are from forums like this one. They can be a good resource. Note that I have over a dozen people that I'm accountable to. Making myself accountable to only 1 person is equivalent to playing basketball against Michael Jordan or Lebron James. It won't succeed. I can easily squirm around 1 accountability partner. I need at least a handful of them. It takes a little effort to find good accountability partners though. Let us know if we can help with that.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2015 5:44:17 GMT -7
I am glad God opened up some time for you to be able to talk to you husband. Something to consider and pray about...your church could start a Celebrate Recovery group in your town. It deals with all addictions and hangup.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2015 21:39:06 GMT -7
Thank you Kevin for all you shared about CE vs XXXChurch. I'll share that info with my husband. I think he would really like this forum and find a lot of help and support. I'm praying he will join, I've actually told him that we would not be the only husband and wife duo on here if he did join bc I know you and your wife are both on here.
Amy, I like that thought about Celebrate Recovery. A lot would have to happen for it to happen but I am not opposed to praying about it.
I found myself being so bitter against my husband today in my thoughts toward him and I know it showed in my words, and the tone I used to say things. He actually said to me when we talked on Saturday that he thinks I'm not as joyful as when we first were married, and he believes it's his fault. I know I have so many pent up emotions towards him but I also know that the joy of the Lord is meant to be my strength and I don't want him or anything to be able to steal my joy, so it's something I will take to the Lord.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2015 8:46:00 GMT -7
Hey I just thought of something for you as a couple to do. Kevin and Iris have a copy of "The 30 Day Love Challenge". (Don't Worry It's Nothing Dirty). I bet he and Iris would be willing to share that knowledge with you and your husband. The book is designed to be a daily challenge for couples to do in the regards to loving their spouse. The challenges are simple in essence but get at the core of our hearts. The book was featured in the move "Fireproof" with Kirk Cameron. www.shenzhoufellowship.org/main2/files/old/SpecialTopics/TheLoveDare.pdf
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2015 9:57:20 GMT -7
God makes ways where we don't see any. Prayer is our strongest weapon and not just formal prayer. We should really keep up a running dialog with God throughout our day using worship, talking, being thankful and grateful, meditating on a scripture verse and simple I love you Father.
It is hard not to let this addiction steal our joy. It can be a minute by minute struggle. Staying focused on God helps. When it does creep in, try to find something you are thankful for in your life and in your husband. Switching focus from the negative to something positive defeats what Satan is trying to do which is drive you apart and breakup the good God is doing through you as a ministry couple.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2015 22:11:49 GMT -7
Johnathan, Thank you for the link to the love challenge! I really like how short and concise it is there. My husband and I love the movie Fireproof! We actually bought the full Love Dare book on kindle and started dojng it together in September or October, I can't remember. Unfortunately we didn't get too far before we stopoed bc Nov and Dec are most definitely the busiest times for us as our church does a lot of different ministries at this time. We just talked about starting back up in the new year.
Amy, You're so right about the minute by minute struggle. I catch myself flying off the handle after everything was just fine a minute before that. I know that my husband hasn't been the spiritual leader in our family that God has wanted Him to be but I also know that I neglect the Lord too often and it shows bc I do not like myself apart from Jesus. He is what is good about me, and I need to seek Him minute by minute in my life
My husband and I had another important conversation about everything this past Monday and we both confirmed our desire to focus every day on spurring each other on to love the Lord and draw closer to Him. We've gotten so lax in our every day lives about talking about deep things that matter into eternity and I would appreciate prayer please so that we keep the main thing the main thing: Jesus!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2016 6:49:49 GMT -7
Hi CMA, how are you doing? How are things going between you and your hubby? How is your relationship with God doing? If it is anything like mine, it's on again, off again type of thing. I seem to go through cycles where I am really close to Him and can feel Him and then other times where I don't feel close to Him and can't feel Him. I always know He is there guiding me, loving me, teaching me and working in me. I would just like there not to be desert times in my life. Still a work in progress I guess.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2016 13:10:32 GMT -7
Hey Amy!
Thank you so much for checking on me, and honestly even though I am a pastor I can completely relate to everything you shared about your relationship with the Lord. I am ashamed to admit that so often I have relied on much of the scripture I've studied over the years instead of digging into the fresh "bread" of scripture daily for where I'm at now in life. I'm trying to take it one day at a time now and get back to my first love, Jesus. I want to know Him more, After Christmas we went on vacation to visit both of our families since they don't live near us, and that was a nice time - my husband and I were able to have some important conversations on our long car rides. I think now that our life/schedule is a bit more back to normal after the holidays I'm really hoping to see the boundaries we discussed put in place. We're still praying over the right way to discuss all of this with those over us in ministry and until we do our 2 lap tops can't have a filtering software put on by us bc we don't have administrative access. I'm almost 100% sure he chooses not to view anything on our laptops because there's already different types of filters put on there by those who oversee them in our ministry. He decided to go with what XXX church offers for free and we are going to put it on our home computer and both of our phones and I'll get the reports. We talked about it this past Saturday, so I'm hoping I don't have to remind him again bc I want to him making his own choices in this but I will ask on Saturday if he has done it yet. The more we talk the more I'm seeing that over the years he's done a lot of his own research on his addiction and from all I've read it's really the shame of all it that keeps someone quiet in this. And I just see so much how He needs God's healing and truth as He chooses to do this Journey with me and pull out the poison in our lives. One thing I struggle with so much is just his overall love of "the screen" I would love it if he could be like Kirk Cameron's character in " fireproof" who smashes the computer! I know we need it for much of what we do and he does a lot of ministry through it as well but he just gets all of his news and different types of articles, fcbk, fantasy football and then there's video games, and movies, tv - I just feel the screen itself is a strong hold in his life and in our marriage. I know it will take the Holy Spirits conviction and guiding in this... I just don't want to be a nag I want to work for good for both of us. So please pray for us in this matter.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2016 6:07:44 GMT -7
You do realize that he can get his porn on facebook and also YouTube? XXXChurch didn't work with our computer or phones. So we went with covenant eyes. The small fee is worth it and it gives a fairly detailed report. I would suggest that you be in charge of installing the filter and use a password that he won't be able to guess.
I am glad you were able to take some time off and visit family. It is always joyous to be able to see loved ones you haven't seen in awhile.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2016 7:15:21 GMT -7
I want to comment on filters here. I also use CE and it has taken time and a real desire to be free to get everything working well. I remember constantly having a backup plan or loop hole in mind even as I was working with my wife to remove access to P. I would eventually use those loopholes to fail and in the time of sadness and remorse that followed I would work with my wife to close up those loopholes. I have talked and walked with several men in this battle and in my opinion guys that don't want filters are not serious in overcoming their addiction. They say they want to overcome by sure willpower. Oh really? I don't believe it. The brain knows subconsciously or even consciously that if it gets bad there is access to P. Yes there are always ways to get access if you really want to but it should be inconvenient enough or risky enough that you have time to overcome the urges before you take that drastic step to fail. When I know I have no access or my wife can see where I go on FB or YouTube or I have to go buy or use another computer miles away I find it so much easier to say Screw it. Not worth it. Move on. Every time I win those battles my addiction is weakened and my brain is stronger and closer to renewed. If you can google search how to defeat a filter it is no good. CE knows and shows when its been tampered with.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2016 8:03:03 GMT -7
I have talked and walked with several men in this battle and in my opinion guys that don't want filters are not serious in overcoming their addiction. They say they want to overcome by sure willpower. Oh really? I don't believe it. The brain knows subconsciously or even consciously that if it gets bad there is access to P. This is where my SO is at right now... I feel that if he was really serious about quitting... he'd take more drastic measures to safeguard our home. So far... through every discussion, he has protected the source instead of protecting me. I have hopes that one day, God will give him a moment of compassion and clarity.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2016 8:12:18 GMT -7
I have to be very honest. I have always valued intimacy with my wife despite my issues. When PIED started to show up I got very serious about beating this addiction. Not being able to enjoy that intimacy fully with my wife was painful for both of us.
Has this been an issue for your SO?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2016 11:42:16 GMT -7
This has not been an issue, yet. Although monitoring his use in the past showed me that he avoids intimacy on the days that he uses. I can tell that the type of porn had increased from just videos and pictures... I discovered that he was interacting with live people... basically online prostitution. I'm sure it doesn't take long to follow that path to live bodies... and he's admitted to cheating on other girlfriends in the past. (He has said, though, that he stopped cheating when someone cheated on him and he realized the pain involved was not worth it.) The thing that I find so profoundly confusing is that he loves me like none other. He goes out of his way to make me feel loved. He is fantastic in all other areas of life... I would have never known because he is so wonderful. I don't understand how he can compartmentalize so completely. He admitted this past weekend that he sees nothing wrong with porn. (He grew up with it in the family.) At times... I feel like I'm overreacting.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2016 12:02:18 GMT -7
Compartmentalize is the key word. We men can do that much easier than women. Here is a link that might help www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XjUFYxSxDkIf he is a Christian he has to know porn is wrong. If not...well that's a big problem. Being unequally yoked is a whole other ballgame. I also was interacting with live women that I met online. I did not enter into actual physical sex with them although it was offered and even pleaded for. Whe I felt the draw to do that I cutoff that access. Then I resorted to just videos which just weren't as enticing and now I'm pretty much staying free of PMO (over 50 days) with some relapses into M a few times over the last month. I never ever thought I would fall into this. It all started with a silly online game.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2016 16:07:14 GMT -7
I'm sorry for hi-jacking this thread... I didn't mean to channel the discussion towards me.
Thanks for the link... I'll check it out tonight.
He is a new believer... He was raised Catholic and is the first one in his family to accept Christ. He's figuring out what that means pretty slowly. I encouraged him to join a men's life group at church. So far, he's committed to the men's breakfast once a month. God is working on him. :-)
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