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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2016 19:14:25 GMT -7
I will be praying for you and your husband. This is a tough but necessary step for him to take. Are you going with him to this meeting? If not, maybe you should talk to your husband about going with. It may help if he has some support.
Kevin has brought up some very valid observations about your husband's actions. He needs accountability partners and he needs to have monitoring software on all electronics...no exceptions. So his taking this step and setting up a meeting is a positive however, it will be extremely tough for him to go through with it and for him to be utterly truthful. Addicts always try to make themselves look better then they are.
Again hon I am praying for you. Let us know if you need any other specific needs prayed for.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2016 19:44:58 GMT -7
Kevin, I so appreciate your response bc I agree with you. Actually this past Wednesday was when he told me he felt ready to talk with our pastoral care staff and that he was actually interested in the phone call accountability you mentioned. I don't believe he's made any steps forward with that but I told him to be ready for a kick in the butt lol so to speak bc you guys would call him to the mat, maybe I scared him I wasn't trying to. I plan to show him your post and see what he has to say.
Amy, Thank you for your prayers! Our plan now is to meet together with our pastoral care staff, hopefully Tuesday bc that works for us but we have to check with them.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2016 20:19:39 GMT -7
Kevin,
I have spoken with my husband and he has said he would like to be part of your phone call accountability group. I have just sent a message with some info to your wife Iris.
Thanks in advance for you help!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2016 20:29:26 GMT -7
Sounds like your husband is beginning to move forward pursuing recovery. Just wanted to say I will be praying for you both and the meeting on Tuesday.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2016 8:16:57 GMT -7
Christmyanchor, how are you doing? You haven't posted in awhile so I am checking up on you. How did your meeting go?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2016 21:50:22 GMT -7
Christmyanchor, I've been wondering how you are as well. Let us know how things are going when you can. Continuing to pray for you.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2016 17:32:18 GMT -7
Thanks for checking on me ladies, and for praying. We had a tough couple weeks with some super sick kids and so much going on. But our meeting with our pastoral care staff went pretty well, he was encouraging and gave us some good wisdom. The gentleman we met with encouraged us to get counseling and has offered himself to be one of my husbands accountability partners. We will be in touch with him regarding our progress in this matter. We have a possible counseling office that we've been looking at and we just need to contact them to set it up. I think I want to go individually first and then after a bit go together, any thoughts on that? So far my husband has had two conversations with kevinskay and that is also encouraging for me. I've really been trying to focus on my own walk with Jesus, and through a friend I've recently discovered a woman's ministry called Unveiled Wife. She has written a few books along with her husband on seeking God in the midst of troubles in marriage and also she has a 31 day prayer challenge book that I am interested in doing. So far what I have read and prayed through Has been so real and specific which is what I was looking for bc so often I feel lost for words with trying to deal with this. I do feel like these last 2 weeks my husband and I haven't taken enough time to talk with or be available for each other bc of long days and longer nights with sick kids, so I am hoping we make the time for each other this week that our marriage needs.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2016 18:13:58 GMT -7
I am glad you checked in with us. Are you kids doing better?
Praise the Lord for your meeting going well and you husband having another accountability partner! Yes you both need individual counseling first. You counselors can help you both figure out what you want to work on as a couple in couples counseling. That will take a few individual sessions I am sure. I am so encouraged by the progress of God's work in you and your husband.
If you think that website you mentioned would help other women, Please post a link to it under the resources forum.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2016 6:46:01 GMT -7
Hi sweetie, how is your little one doing?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2016 19:26:15 GMT -7
So much has happened for us in the last few months, in our ministry we move every so years and only get about 2 months to handle it so yeah we just moved to a new states/new home at the beginning of July and slowly things are returning back to "normal." The move added a lot of strain and stress to our already fragile marriage. For weeks it was like we were just bad roommates. We're in a better place now with covenant eyes on all new phones (old phones belonged to previous church) We have been looking into counseling before we found out we were moving, and now I'm looking again here and hopefully we will get to start in the next few months. I am in much more of a positive hopeful place I was then ever 2 weeks ago, I wasn't praying enough and only focused on the negative in our life. I am committing to a 31 day prayer challenge for my Hub starting tomorrow and I felt completed to start back on the forums again after again the move and my own negative downward spiral. I know God has poured out His hope afresh on us.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2016 5:24:40 GMT -7
Hi Cma! So glad you posted! Having to move every few years would be hard but it would keep down on the amount of clutter that accumulates.
We all go through times of downward spirals. I am grateful that you have pulled out of it and are on a more solid path. Things have been quiet here at BG this last week or so. I have been busy gardening and canning pickles. Also haven't been feeling well the last 2 days. Not sure if I got into some gluten or have the flu. I pray you are able to find good support in your new town.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2016 8:47:12 GMT -7
Ladies. The porn would not bother me. The love of my lift, my best friend and soul mate had sex with each and every escort of every size and color he could find 2 and 3 times a week for at least 2 years. I feel ugly, I have no self confidence, I feel I have failed in every way possible. I was crushed and would rather he put a hole in my head than have done this to me. I have to go through STD testing even though I have never done anything except with my husband. I fear it will take a very long time before I will get my self esteem back. He claims he loves me but I do not believe anyone would do this to someone they love. He also claims it is not about me but I am the only one who has been hurt in this situation, so I believe it is all about me.
I have contacted law enforcement with all the names, e-mails, phone numbers and addresses I can find. I have tried to get him "black listed" from the escort sites. I pose as escorts in order to report him. I track his browsing history two or three times a day. I have a GPS on his cell phone. I hate the fact that I cannot believe anything he says.
This hurts worse than anything on Earth, and believe me I have been through most of it.
I pray daily for both him and me. Any more ideas and I am game!!
Thank you for listening.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2016 12:56:18 GMT -7
Jaynie I am sorry you have experienced the evil of this sin/addiction. I was hyper-vigilant like you were. Actually hacked some of my ex'said accounts to see how far he had gone. I wasn't in a good place with my emotions and felt I had the right to do these things. I ended up divorcing him for the porn and physical abuse. As I continued my journey alone, I came to realize that what I did was not cool and made me worse emotionally. I started going to counseling. I couldn't have made the progress I have achieved without God and my counselor. Having someone to help direct your thoughts and put things into perspective is key. So my 2 main suggestions are pray and seek individual counseling. Also please continue to post. Start a Journaling thread here. That helps also...gives you a place to vent, seek advice and encouragement.
Welcome to BG. I am glad you found us but I am sad that you had the need to search for us.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2016 20:59:25 GMT -7
Hi, Jaynie. I am so sorry that you are going through this. But note the word "through". You are going through it. You will come out the other side. You may come out a little different than what you were when you began this journey, but one thing for certain, if you stick close to Jesus, you may be different, but it will be a better different.
Of course you feel ugly, and fat, and worthless, and less than, and an absolute bad seed that deserves this because there has to be something that you did or didn't do to deserve this. This is exactly what the enemy wants you to believe. The more he can get these thoughts to take root the closer he is to getting you to quit and give up so that he can have the victory in your life. Do not allow the enemy to intimidate you. Do not give him the power over your thoughts and your heart. God is telling you something so differently than what you are hearing ... he is telling you that you are beautiful, you are strong, you are courageous, and that he loves you so much and that he will never leave you.
You are so correct when you say that this hurts worse than anything on earth ... I have lost my mother, father, brother, grandmother, girlfriends and battled cancer and I find none of them to have hurt as deeply and badly as discovering that my husband would rather view porn and masturbate than be with me. For four years I battled with myself to discover what I was doing wrong that made me so repulsive to him. Yes, it hurts. And the situation that you are in with your husband, I cannot imagine the pain that you are feeling.
You say that you would rather he "put a hole in your head" than go through this. Oh, Jaynie, please believe me when I say that will pass. You will begin to heal one day (not sure how soon that will be) and you will begin to see the beauty of being alive again. When I discovered, I too, thought that death would be better than the pain I was feeling. Now, oh my goodness, that is one prayer that I am so thankful God did not answer!
I believe that your husband is so flip-flopping wrong when he states that it is not about you ... my husband said the same thing. He would say "everything is not about you". Well, this is about YOU! All about you. You can wake up every day and make the day all about you if you want. You do what you have to do to heal and find the beauty within yourself again.
I am going to give you advice on two things, take or leave ... First, are you seeing a therapist/counselor? I strongly recommend that. I have never been one that thought I would benefit from therapy. I was so wrong on that. I love the lady that I see and she has done so much for me as far as healing and seeing that I am okay. She is so good that she has helped me work through things that I never even knew bothered me :-)
Secondly, and this is not criticism in any form towards you, I did the same thing that you did, but, tracking his browsing history, GPS, posing as escorts, etc. This hurts you so deeply every time that you find something, right? You know that he is lying to you and you know that he has betrayed you and your marriage. For today, while you are hurting so badly, you do not need to know any more than you already know. Knowing more is not going to change anything. While you are looking at him, you cannot look at you. Look at you for now ... take care of you ... heal you ... do what you need to do to find peace. I discovered my husbands addiction with a recorder. I honestly thought that he was seeing a woman and had thought that for a couple of years. Porn never crossed my mind. In placing the VAR, I only wanted to find out who she was. I almost had a stroke when I found what it really was. Like a goon, I kept using that recorder until one day I thought how silly it was. I knew what he was doing ... I was sick every time I heard something on the recorder ... caught him in so many lies and it broke my heart every time. It was only when I tossed the recorder and stopped trying to "catch" him that I began to move forward. I now know that he is broken and I cannot fix him but I can fix me. He is the only one that fix him.
Spend some quiet time with God so you can hear him when he is telling you how beautiful you are and how much he loves you.
Put your shoulders back and hold your head up high ... you are not weak, defeated,or powerless, and you sure are not ugly, you are a child of God, you are equipped and you are well able to defeat the enemy in this battle.
Keeping you in prayer!
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2017 15:07:32 GMT -7
It's been about a year since I was last on here. What a year it's been, God's grace has been evident but I was in such a dark place for so much of this past year. I shared that we moved last July and at the In September we found we were expecting our 4th child.. We did not plan to have another child so soon (our other three are 5,3,1) and our marriage was/is in a difficult place so while we were happy, I was also so overwhelmed, depressed and I isolated myself in so many ways- I do know the pregnancy horomones played into it all as well. Now our baby is here born June 7 and we certainly love him so much! In many ways I spiraled so inward in my struggles in dealing with my husbands addiction this past year I couldn't hear the Lords voice or take all my troubles to Him about it all. I've been slowly coming out of the darkness back in the light in my own heart and mind. Every few months we've both been like the little engine that could when it comes to beating his addiction and fighting for our marriage and then after a time neither of us stick with open communication and he doesn't stick with his boundaries or to do lists and with my personal struggles during the pregnancy it was just such a tough year. We went to a marriage retreat in March that was amazing though! We did something called a couples check up and showed our strengths and struggling areas and they gave us so many tools to help we renewed our vows at the end of the week. That was kind of the start of renewed hope. We also started Christian counseling this past April every other week we've been going and it has been a positive experience so far. I am trying to choose hope and joy in Christ no matter what as I have let this truly steal my joy and I thought coming back to the forums would help me keep the right perspective. I am still learning how to fight for my marriage and not against my husband while not enabling his addiction. So thankful God is not finished working on and in us yet!
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