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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2017 13:57:13 GMT -7
Thank you Kevin and Amy.
I found out last night that I can disable Qustodio. I had the intent of deleting it from my phone so I could watch porn. I sent a text to my wife with the account and password about 5 minutes ago.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2017 15:13:22 GMT -7
Tell her to change the password and make it something you can't guess. Glad you took that step.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2017 9:52:22 GMT -7
I'm tired today. Didn't go to church this morning because the idea of being around other people is just yuck.
I'm tired of waking up in the morning feeling punished because I'm not home. I know I created this mess so I don't complain. I'm tired of feeling sad every time I go home to visit because I know I have to leave again. I'm tired of feeling defeated every day I don't work. And every week I don't hear back on a job application. I'm tired of getting it thrown in my face that I don't do anything for my wife. I gladly pay rent but I can't spend money I don't have. I gladly help out with buying food for my wife and dogs. I help out with the dishes maybe not as much as I could but I don't live there. I work on the truck. I power wash the roof. I'm getting better at picking up a broom and sweeping. I come pick her up whenever she wants me to. I'm tired of hearing that I use every excuse to leave. I only leave for church stuff and I always come back after if she wants to see me. And I leave at night because that is one of her boundaries. Monday was the first time I left when she wanted to lay down. I'm tired of hearing that I just sit on my ass all day doing nothing. I have been working for more than a year. I send out application after application. I have a master's but I still apply to jobs in construction and as a cashier. I'm not afraid of working but if there is no work then what am I to do. I'm tired of not being able to just talk to my wife. One issue at a time without us getting into a fight. I'm tired of getting told I'm selfish. Everything I do is an attempted to make her life easier. I stumble and make bad decisions but I try. I'm working on getting better. Friday was me stumbling but instead of hiding it and hoping she would not find out I was honest about it. I still have a lot of work I know, and I will keep working.
When I woke this morning I had this lyric in my head. Don't make me read your mind You should know me better than that It takes me too much time I wish my wife would see that I'm not trying to annoy her, hurt her or punish her. There are just things that my mind don't grab a hold of. Like taking the dogs to the vet. I don't know why it doesn't stick but it doesn't. Sometimes I just need to be told "can you take he dogs to the vet next week" because I don't pick up on "the dogs need their shots" Or "I need for you to lay down with me" instead of "I'm taking a nap do you want to lay down with me" it's not because my wife is unimportant I just didn't feel like sleeping. It's not me saying that I don't want to help around the house. It's just my brain going "guess I have to find something else to do for a few hours that won't keep her awake" I'm tired of feeling that I try my best and it's not good enough. I have been trying to control my PA for the last year and a half. First with will power. Then with Qustodio and finally in March or April I signed up here because I realized I could not beat this alone. Until Friday things were going in the right direction. I stayed sober despite the stress of fighting, separation, no work, no money but I lost out because I once again had a job offer that was turned into maybe 4 weeks from now and I couldn't deal with it anymore. I felt lonely, I felt like a failure as a husband, I felt like I was letting my wife down, I felt like life was pointless. Instead of turning to God I turned my back on him. I'm not trying to say buhu life is so hard, or look at me I'm so awesome and my wife is to blame. I don't blame her for her reaction, or the situation that we are in. I created this mess and I'm trying to deal with the consequences. If I could I would work and I would gladly pay for everything. If I was better at understand my wife I would hopefully pick up on things faster and just do them.
I know what I need to work on more, and I will keep working towards freedom. One day at a time.
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Post by Will on Jul 10, 2017 2:56:32 GMT -7
God bless you Andreas! Praise God for your honest sharing. I am experiencing a week of freedom right now but I remember last time I stumbled you helped me with wise words. I still need your help man! I have been trying to stop watching porn for 7 years, and this year is the first year I am experiencing any progress at all. It's a long road, but wow it is so worth it (as you already know) to be clean! The glimpses of the life God has for us without this stuff make it all worthwhile. Couple of things that are really blessing me right now are: Audio Bibles. I go to sleep listening to this now (e.g. www.audiobible.com/bible/bible.html)The Psalms. It took me 8 years to read the Bible through the first time. And boy I was not impressed with the Psalms at that time! It took AGES, literally years for me to read through them. Thought they would never end. But suddenly, this month, I am finding that if bad thoughts or temptations or a SUP or a trigger happens, if you pick up this WEAPON that is the Sword of the Spirit, open it to any Psalm, and read it ALOUD. Wow it really chases those spirits away! They can't stick around because they can't handle it! It actually works! Have also learned the 23rd Psalm off by heart. It is awesome and I repeat it to myself like when driving around to restore me to God if am feeling under pressure. Keep praying to the Lord for work, any work!! That is a really tough test, but for every challenge you overcome for the name of Jesus Christ our King, He will reward you a hundredfold. And He WILL COME THROUGH. He always does!! God bless and hang in there, brother!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2017 4:18:14 GMT -7
Thank you Will.
I went to Church last night because God called me. It was funny enough a sermon about the yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1; Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not entangle again with a yoke of bondage.
How Christ bought our freedom at the cross. He then gave it back to us and that's what confuses some of us. We think we are free but instead we sell ourselves back into slavery. All of us here know what that's like. So we misunderstand the freedom God has given us, as we can do all ourselves. That gives the enemy the leeway to whisper that what God has done is not perfect because we are not perfect.the enemy keeps distraction us with time, money, feelings, sin. And we become prisoners of that. We are free to follow Christ, and we need to stay firm in that.
Before service I had a good talk with my Minister. I told her what had happened Friday, and her response was more or less the same as yours Will. It's a long road and I just have to keep pushing. She said that her and her husband keeps praying for us, and that she doesn't know what it is but that their hearts have been drawn to my wife and I from the start. Even before I confessed my PA. I started laughing when she said there is something great inside me that the enemy is trying to destroy because I don't see it. It was a good talk, and a good reminder that there are people around me that are there to help.
Thank you all for your wisdom here.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2017 10:33:24 GMT -7
Just had a prayer session with my Pastor. He had called this morning to ask if I was okay since I was not a church yesterday. It took me three hours to summon up the courage to call back and talk to him. I explained the situation. That I'm separated because I'm a recovering PA. That I had not been to Church yesterday because I had stumbled Friday and could not really deal with people and that there is the added stress of no work. He prayed for me, for my wife, and for our marriage. He also said he would send out a message that I need a job.
So praise God for giving me the strength and courage to call. For the Wisdom to be honest. And for the Grace of putting good people in my life.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2017 10:53:55 GMT -7
Our strength lies in our humbling ourselves. It's one tough lesson to learn. I know...I have been an "I do it myself" person since I first started talking. Used to drive my mom crazy.
I am praying you find work soon. Try to keep your eyes on God and His promises to us. He works everything for the good of those who follow Him. We may not understand what is happening but Our Father knows what He is doing. Trust in His goodness.
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Post by Will on Jul 11, 2017 2:16:11 GMT -7
Praise God Andreas! So stoked for you, that sounds exactly like the right thing. Really like what Kevin said on another thread 'we are only as sick as our secrets'. When we confess our sins one to another as the Bible teaches, they lose their power over us, and the forgiveness of God through Christ Jesus is made real to us in the loving people around us. Praise the Lord!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2017 2:55:31 GMT -7
Hey G, just checking on you. How are you doing?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2017 16:56:47 GMT -7
Good evening everyone. I know it's been some time since I posted last. Most things are going in the right direction. My wife and I have had a number of open and honest talks. All very productive as to how we can move forward together, what we can do to keep growing, and what I can do to make her more secure in our relationship. The first thing is to leave my phone in the bedroom when I don't use it.
When it comes to lust it's going great. Spending so much time with my wife or at church keeps me occupied. When I'm alone I don't use the laptop unless I have to. So only work, being on here and learning songs for Praise and worship. Wife and I had a great talk about me being better at letting her know if I feel alone since that is my biggest trigger. Instead of sitting at the laptop I need to reach out to her, or my accountability partner.
Work is the same and that gets to me almost every day. I'm frustrated, sad and I feel like I'm letting my wife down. I keep praying and I keep sending out applications, I talk to people I know and have my network working for me. I have to leave it to God but that's hard when I have only earned $200 the last two months. On top of everything my wife has a bad cough right now, and I feel like a total loser for not being able to even take her to the doctors.
Tomorrow for the first time I'm playing bass at worship. That makes me a little nervous. I have not played live in many years and I feel very rusty. So i'm afraid I will mess it all up. It's not a nice feeling and it eats at me, together with everything else that is going on. I keep praying!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2017 18:48:39 GMT -7
Don't let the stress overwhelm you. Keep looking to God for your strength and support.
Butterfly's cough...is it a dry cough or is she producing mucus when she coughs? Does she have a runny nose? I know here that sinus infections and chest colds have been a problem. Have her breath steam to loosen up any mucus. Drinking lots of hot tea will help with that also. Chicken soup really does work for colds. I will be praying for her health.
You will do great tomorrow. Just offer up your performance to the Lord as your worship to Him. God is going to be so proud and overjoyed with you performing for Him and that is all that matters.
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Post by savedbygrace on Jun 5, 2018 5:06:54 GMT -7
I'm thankful things were going well when you wrote that, but I also see that there was some very stressful stuff.
Praying for you this AM.
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