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Post by rical on May 26, 2017 9:09:16 GMT -7
Glad to hear you made it through, any day you don't use is a good day. I pray for you every day. The best part of this forum is it's always available. We can post when we're doing great or if we're lonely and weak. It's always easier to stay clean then get clean. Proverbs 27:17 KJV, Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2017 13:00:18 GMT -7
Have had some really nice days. There has been times where I caught myself going into some of my old habits. Like looking to much at other people especially women. My mom used to say my dad had wandering eyes and I finally understand what she meant. It's something that is bothering my wife since I also did it when we were out to resturants together. Saturday at the bank (paying bills) I started looking around like usual but caught myself. Instead I asked God to forgive my heart, and I focused on the tv instead. Think this is the first time I have done something active to change my way. I had some work at a clients house so after that I went home to spend some time with my wife. On the way I bought her a new garden hose because she's been complaining about the old one. That made her happy even though I did not get the one she really really wanted. We took a nap together. It was nice to be close to her. After an hour I woke up and my normal routine would be to get some coffee, let the dogs out and sit at the laptop until she woke. Not always looking at inappropriate things but also not being there with her when she woke. Knowing that it's a trigger point for her (totally understandable) I decided to stay in bed. I prayed and talked to God for two hours before the dogs woke here. The time spent with God opened up a lot of old memories that I have been suppressing. I remember some of the moments in my life where P was there, socially acceptable but still something that was deemed dirty and shameful. To me a lot of the P watching was a mix between the exhilarating feeling of doing something forbidden, and maybe getting caught. And the feeling of disgust and shame after. I started using P when I was between 8-10 when I found some magazines at my grand parents but I have memories of a guy showing my magazines before I even started school. Nothing about abuse just to make that clear. During my prayer I asked that God would cauterize all old wounds and let them heal. I also asked him to forgive all generational sins, and that I would no longer carry the burden of my ancestors. It was good just to lay next to my wife, pray, and talk to God. I realize that I have been selfish in my PA. Talked to my minister Sunday and told her. If my niece ever came home with someone like I used to be I would ask her what she was thinking. Kinda sad and hard to realize that I was an idiot. Need to say sorry to a few people. Sunday was busy as always. Church from 7.20 until around noon. Home to see my wife again. Yay. Another great talk, another nice nap together. Tried to fix the truck but that did not work. Can't figure out what the problem is which frustrates me. Gave my wife a back massage since her back almost always hurts. And then off to Church again at 5.45. A great sermon about not being high and mighty because we go to church. No problem for me. If God can love a sinner like me then he can love everyone! Talked to my minister again. She is a rock. So happy that she and her husband are there for me. She is a no BS lady but she is also very compassionate. I thank God for blessing me with her and her husband. Went back to where I currently live. Put on a movie and went to bed. When it gets dark is where the thoughts of M start but I'm getting better at saying a quick prayer, ask God to remove all thoughts and images, and then just close my eyes and sleep. Today so far have been busy. Even sitting on the laptop all day I have not once wanted to see if I could find something inappropriate to watch. Now I'm taking a break and instead of browsing around I decided to write here, and then put on a movie. My wife is a huge movie geek and if I just watch one of the hundreds of movies we have watched together then I'm in the safe zone. Just keeping it together one day at a time. Totally surrendering myself to God.
I hope everyone is having a blessed memorial day.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2017 7:04:51 GMT -7
Good job at catching yourself and changing what you were doing! Spending that time with God is critical, as you saw, it leads to God being able to guide you and help you heal old wounds and sins.
Keep walking with God. You will overcome.
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KevinesKay
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Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on May 31, 2017 12:20:32 GMT -7
Awesome work you got going there gloggen. I'm counting 15 days of no porn for, is that right?
Regardless, I think you've gone a long way in a short time. Let's go for another day! You got this!
God bless you, gloggen.☺
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2017 16:12:31 GMT -7
Thank you all. I don't know how many days since I stopped watching porn but it's been 15 days since I last watched anything inappropriate, and 15 days since I realized that I could not do this alone. The support of this forum is amazing. Just to be able to read that I'm not alone has been God sent for me. The encouraging words have helped me open up to people around me, and the response is great. I have an accountability partner that I can call when I need, I can write here etc. For the first time I feel that this is not something that is controlling me. With Gods help this feeling will last forever. And with His strength I can move forward.
Today there are good news and bad news. Good news first I did not go back to my old ways of watching P or even wanting to M so that's a major step in the right direction.
The bad news is that I got into a fight with my wife. Due to rain where I'm currently working there was no work so I decided to see if I could do anything about the brake warning on my wife's truck. She knew I was going to stop by and she was sleeping when I got there. Accidentally woke her when I arrived but she went back to bed. I started working on bleeding the brake lines, and worked on it for three hours. Went in the house, wife still sleeping so I sat down and read for an hour. When she woke the first thing she said was "Andreas what have you done to my painting" No hi, no thanks for looking at the truck, no nothing. Apparently one of the dogs tail had hit a painting she is working on, ruining it. I tried to say I had not even looked at the painting, and I hadn't because I wanted to wait until she could show it to me. Her only response was "how did the dogs tail get on the painting" Like I had grabbed a hold of it and dragged it over her painting... I told her in a rather angry voice "Sorry that I woke you earlier, Sorry that you slept bad, sorry that I spent three hours on your truck. I'm leaving now to give you space, have a good day, Love you. Walked out and I'm pretty sure I slammed the door. Not the best reaction, and something I need to work on.
Normally I would have looked up P when I got back here but today I didn't. I'm not mad anymore but I think she needs to say sorry for the way she acted. I see it as a victory that I dealt with my emotions, said a prayer and played a game on my phone rather than keeping all the anger, watching P and then get hit by guilt and shame. I don't know. I will just keep praying and hopefully my wife and I can have a good talk one of the days.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2017 4:25:22 GMT -7
Woke up sad this morning. The fight with my wife yesterday still lingers inside. I want to call her but I said I would give her room. All I can do is wait and leave it to God. I hope that you all have a blessed day.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2017 7:07:43 GMT -7
I'm sorry your sad this morning. After reading your post you are doing such a good job with your struggle so hang in their. I can only imagine it must be hard.
A woman wants to see and feel your efforts. I agree with Amy about courting your wife.i think that is very important and would love for my husband to do that for me. We always want to feel like were your one and only and learning of our husbands P use diminishes that. Wives really want to forgive and to move in a positive direction.
I will pray for you and for your wife to soften her heart. Have a great day!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2017 9:44:21 GMT -7
Gloggen you did good at not going back to the old standby of porn and masturbation. It's going to take awhile for your wife to trust you again. You need to be patient. Keep leaning on God and don't give up. Your wife will open up again once she sees and trusts that the changes in you are true. Her heart will take time to heal. Be praying for her along with yourself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2017 12:09:02 GMT -7
Right now I've had it with my marriage. Everything in me screams that I should just file for divorce and get it done with. I love my wife and I'm working hard with my demons for her. Today I got a text after two days of hearing nothing. It was shortly about her borrowing the Jeep I drive right now since she need to go do errands. I replied rather cross that two days after blaming me for something I had not done that was what I get... No reply for about an hour and a half followed by a text about the only way the dog could have destroy her painting was if he had jumped on me, and that I should just apologize and move the **** on instead of denying it and getting defensive. I tried to tell her that the dog had been sleeping besides the bedroom door the entire time I was inside so stop blaming me. A heated debate, a phonecall of yelling and finally a text saying "**** you. I am so glad we are separated" I'm still steaming inside. I have prayed. I have tried to just focus on work. I wrote a letter and tore it up. But nothing helps. It takes everything in me right now to not give in to temptation because why should I care. If everything thing that happens is my fault anyway then why should I do anything. We can't pay rent, my fault. She is gaining weight, my fault. The dogs are barking all day, my fault. The truck is not running, my fault. That we can't afford a new one, my fault. The painting gets ruined, my fault. She has a bad sleep, my fault. I'm so sick and tired of being her scapegoat. There is no us in this marriage. Everything bad is my fault while she is flawless in everything she does. I'm not saying I'm perfect far from it. I know I have other flaws than pa but it's hard when everything I say is brushed off by being in denial. Sorry for the rant. Just needed to get it out. That was one of my trigger points. I would get upset or sad, and keep it all inside untill I exploded or would watch porn. Please pray for me my heart is breaking.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2017 15:13:37 GMT -7
Don't give in thats what the Devil wants.. your doing good.. you can do this.. just hang in their.. i am praying for you! I'm so sorry your having a rough time.. Prayers..
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2017 19:09:41 GMT -7
I had a good day today. My friend that I'm living with set it up so we could go and work on my wife's truck. He is truly God sent. Not only does he give me a place to stay, I have almost an entire house to myself so I can pray in silence, or play my bass as loud as I want. He also pushes me to see things from another perspective. Yesterday I had a good long talk with him where he just let me vent all my frustrations and anger. After he said "tomorrow we will go fix the truck" No pity party, no taking sides. Just you got to keep moving on. He is not a religious man according to himself but he does talk and walk like one. Forgive, move on, and leave it to God. Don't hold a grudge, and don't stop working on your wife's truck just to punish her. After we fixed the truck I went and got another tattoo. It was a great experience, and a sad one as well. My wife and I was supposed to go together but due to the way things are right now I went alone. When I got back here I was relaxed and happy. Then it hit. a sudden urge to watch P. I don't even know what the trigger was this time, other than the devil seeing me with my guard down. I started praying instead. Another little victory. My wife left me a letter when we fixed her truck. I realize that my wife and I have a long way. I understand her trust issues. there has been so much lying over the years. It makes me frustrated that she can't see that I'm changing but I have to give her time. I created the mess and I will have to spend as long as I have too to clean it up again. I'm glad God is giving me the strength to stay focus even if I lose my temper once in a while. I have been praying a lot against the spirit of python since Thursday. I see signs that he is in my life and have been for a long time. So many times a day I pray for God's help to burn out the serpentine spirit from my life. It helps. It's a long prayer so I will just post the link mfmleyton.co.uk/index.php/2016/04/17/power-aganist-python-spirit/ I start my day with that prayer, and read it out loud before turning of my phone or laptop. The rest of the day I put prayers against python into my other prayers. With God on my side who can stand against me? I will keep working for His glory. If my marriage survives it because He want's it to. Have a blessed night
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2017 3:37:41 GMT -7
Sunday is always busy. It was a good day or as good as days are when you are hurting inside. I did not battle with any lust issues and that is great. I had a good talk with my accountability partner. I thought about writing my wife about a million times but didn't. I got a text from her in the morning asking if I had stopped by for some mail and a key that was outside. I told her I had. It made her mad that I had not texted before I arrived. It was my mistake since I should just have done it. My understanding was that her and the friend I live with had agreed on a specific time. Still my bad. Wrote her sorry and told her my side of things. I don't know. I just feel empty but for the first time in my life I seek God rather than p and m. I pray that we could just talk about all the hurt and anger we both have inside. God will guide me, and I will follow. If he wants to restore our marriage he will. If that's not his plan then it isn't. I know I will keep fighting these demons, for her and for His glory until He tells me to stop.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2017 17:15:30 GMT -7
So far today has been long. I keep going over all the wrongs I have done to my wife and it's painful. I have lied to her so much. Mainly about p and lust but it penetrates every aspect of life. Why should she trust me in this part when I lie about that part. I'm working on being her husband. I get lonely where I am because I feel like I have lost my foundation. I have pushed my wife away, and for what. Nothing! I pray that my wife and I will be able to find each other again. Find the love and the healing we need. If she asks for divorce I will give it to her. Not that I want to but I can't keep her trapped with me and my addiction. The more I understand the more I see the pain and suffering I have put her through. At least now I'm being honest with myself.
My mom called me today. I told her my wife and I are not living together. I'm not ready to talk to my mom about my addiction but I did say that it was my fault the separation. To me that was a big step because I have always brushed things off as a mutual thing not taking responsibility for the situation.
I have not been struggling with wanting to watch p for a few days now and that is a major victory for me especially when I feel lonely. Today at the store I was focused on what I needed to buy and not on the people around me. Another victory.
I keep pray and thanking God each day that He gives me as a sober person.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2017 19:15:15 GMT -7
Just had a text chat with my accountability partner and we agreed on meeting tomorrow. Another blessing from God. Thank you Jesus.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2017 16:13:01 GMT -7
Did not hear from my accountability partner today so instead of waiting I wrote him. Have still not heard anything but at least I did not just sit idle by. (While I was writing he texted me back) The books from Mike arrived in the mail today but since we use a PO box I can't get them. And my wife has the key. Wrote her that if she picks them up to keep the one for the wife if she want it, and when I is best for her I can pick up the rest outside our house.
Today at work I was painting from a roof and for the first time in a long while I looked down and thought it would all be easier if I just jumped. I guess I'm just tired of fighting. Every day it's the same. Get up, go to work and get back to a place that is not my home. I don't think my wife knows how much I am fighting and how much I have been fighting since giving my life to Christ last December because I have not shared my fight with her. When I was 6 years old, the day before my birthday my sister almost died. I had been mean to her and said that I hoped she died. so I always thought it was my fault. On top of everything I felt abandoned by my mom and dad because they were always at the hospital. How could anyone love someone that caused his sister that much pain. That guilt never left and only grew over the years. All the pain I have caused other people got turned in wards and I built up an outside persona. When I first discovered porn I was 8 or 9, and that was used as a way to fill the hole. I had sex when I was 12 and I was a bastard to her after. We still continued a relationship of sorts but I just used her to get all my frustrations and guilt out. Not that it helped. When I was 15 I got my then girlfriend pregnant, and she had an abortion much against my will. So now there was the shame of having sex and getting a girl pregnant and killing an unborn child. All blamed on me. We dated for a couple of months after but I was not welcome in her house. It ended because I was unfaithful to her with another girl. The only good thing I can say is that I have never been been with another girl while I was in a relationship since. At 16 I decided to leave home. My parents were divorced and I did not want to live with either of them. My dad was never around always working, and I saw my mom as a betrayer. She left me again. From 16 to around 21 I used alcohol and sex as a way to distance myself from all the shame, guilt and pain I had inside. At 21 I meet my ex-wife and I joined the army. I worked as a combat medic and everything was getting worse and more chaotic inside. I started using porn and masturbation more and more as a stress relief. While pushing my ex-wife further away. I was active from 02-05 in the army. After that I started back in school to finish my gymnasium. I was depressed and self medicate with porn to the point where it became the norm. And it stayed that way until my current wife called me out on it December of 2015. 10 years of watching porn when I was stressed, sad, lonely, glad, bored, excited etc. Everything was an excuse to watch porn because it made all feelings go away for a few minutes. I did not feel like I deserved to be loved, to be happy, and all the negative feelings I could not deal with. I have seen two psychologist and a psychiatrist and they all prescribed pills. We talked about my childhood, my army experiences, my life but I never once mentioned porn. The shame and guilt was to deeply rooted. The first person to say the words porn addiction was my wife. It was the first time I said I had a problem. Since I have tried to control it but most of the time I have failed. I kept lying about it, always making excuses, got angry, defiant, arrogant and prideful with my wife. I kept telling myself that I had to deal with this. I knew I could talk to my wife but I didn't want to because that would be facing the issue. I have not masturbated to porn since giving my life to God last year but I have been surfing the edge. Telling myself the lie that as long as I only looked then it was okay. I have felt so unlovable that I doubted my wife's devotion to me. Because how could she love someone like me. I have blamed everyone and everything but me. I have not watched porn since January but I have watched highly inappropriate content. And I kept lying. I have been lying for so long that it's become second nature to me. It's no wonder that my wife distrust me. I have been the kind of husband that I would hate to see my sister with.
There are so many things in my life that's fucked up, and I don't know where to start.
I'm praying all the time now for God to forgive me, for my wife to forgive me, and she has forgiven me a million times, and for one more chance to make this right. I reap what I sow. And I have planted mistrust, lies and manipulation. I'm cutting down the bad tree and throwing it in the fire. May God have mercy on my soul.
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