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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2017 22:15:18 GMT -7
Good job G... good work! You should be proud of yourself! Hugs.. prayers!
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Post by rical on Jun 23, 2017 3:35:18 GMT -7
Andreas, ditto to your last paragraph, I'm always shocked when people want to spend time with me.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2017 12:36:09 GMT -7
I'm doing really good. Have not been tempted for a long time now. I spend more time with my wife, and I think she enjoys going shopping with me more now. When my eyes start to wander I bounce them to either her or some random grocery. A lot of times it's happened by itself. Like why am I looking at cereals I never buy cereals... Ahhh good brain. I have gotten ride of all games on my phone and have spent time learning Spanish and coding instead. I'm now 4% fluent in Spanish according to Duolingo. I also refreshed SQL and started learning Python. I play my bass at least an hour almost every day. I started rereading the Bible and have covered about a quarter of it. Life is good, and God is blessing me every day. I have not had any work for about 3 weeks and that can be felt on the economy but still God blessed me. My Grandma sent me close to $300 when I was down to less than $10 on my account. He may let you fall but will always lift you up again. I know that the last three weeks have been God telling me to fix some things in my life. Get rid of the waste and back into learning. I also believe that he is showing me that I should not rely on provision but go after the promise he has for me. So I keep applying for jobs, keep trying to get some freelance work and will keep working on my own business.
Blessed be God because when he is with us. Who can stand against us?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2017 18:19:29 GMT -7
As some of you may have realized my marriage is in ruins. Again today it was a stupid argument and I'm not even going to talk about how I saw it because I will just be called a lier and a manipulater.
I'm praying that my wife finds the peace she seeks without me. She made it clear that she wishes that we were not in each other's life, and since she can't speak for me I take it as she does not want me in hers. Earlier today I took it as her being mad but she was nice enough to forward an email to our landlord saying that she saw herself as on her own despite me paying rent the last close to 6 months, and that she would not depend on me for anything anymore. So I pray that she finds peace whatever that takes. As for me I went to the beach and Sat and cried for an hour. Then I went to a place where some people I know normally play music on Mondays. I just needed some noise. Turns out Monday is now bingo night, so I played bingo for two hours. Then I went back to where I live. I'm done. But hey at least I'm sober.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2017 19:28:08 GMT -7
G, it sounds like you had a very emotionally stressful day. Don't make any decisions until you have had time to process and pray about it all. Spend some one on one time with God, open your heart to Him and listen to what He whispers to it.
Your wife is hurting and probably feels the same dejection that you are feeling. Give yourselves some space and time. Let her know that that is what you would like to do and maybe ask for a meeting to discuss things in a few days. If she agrees, write down the points you would like to discuss and ask her to do the same. Maybe you could email them to each other to give you both time to think on your responses. Doing so may help keep your talk more calm and less stressful.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2017 17:04:57 GMT -7
Was in bed most of the day. Didn't feel like getting up. Went into the kitchen, sat and zoned out a few times and then back to bed. Around 3pm I decided that enough was enough. So I prayed, and left to listen to music. That was a great blessing from God. I talked to some friends there and they are going to call if they have some work around their house. Super nice. Then I talk to another guy and he wants to have a talk to me about maybe hiring me as a permanent manager. He even said that if he had not called in the next few days to just stop by and talk to him. Thank you Jesus! So God truly showed me his blessings today. It's been nice that the past couple of days have been temptation free. I turned to God as I was on the beach, and I turned to God today rather than trying to remove my sadness with porn. I know I should not have lost my temper but I did. So I asked God to forgive me being in my feelings and for cussing him out yesterday. He is so full of grace. Thank you Lord for keeping me in your hand. Praise you!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2017 23:09:16 GMT -7
Hi G, I'm LM, still pretty new here. Reading about the arguments you had helps me see where I might be acting unreasonably toward my husband, and maybe some apologies are in order...thank you for opening up my eyes. You have said how you appreciate that she is a wonderful wife, and it's important to remember that. Sadly, many wives of a PA (ok, pretty much all of us) go through phases. There are days when I just want to be with my husband and trust him and let him in again. Then there are days when I remember all the years of emotional wilderness, and I feel sure I don't even want to work it out. We go through a roller coaster of emotions, and some of our reactions are going to be sinful. I've had moments when I wanted to lash out and hurt him like he's hurt me. Sometimes I want to come down on him harder than I should, just to teach him a lesson. Other times I feel like using a fight just to remind him of how "bad" he has been, and use it as an excuse to be overly emotional and unreasonable. The fact is that all of those reactions are wrong and sinful..there's no excuse for acting that way. But just like we wives have to be ready to forgive our PA husbands in case of a slip, husbands need to be ready to forgive us for our sinful reactions. Calling her out on it might not be prudent at the time, especially if she's still really hurting.
You are absolutely right that she needs to find her peace, center, identity and security outside of her relationship with you. That's her process, and it was a difficult process for me. I was convinced that I could not be fulfilled and joyful as long as my husband was acting out. But there's nothing my husband could have done or said to force me to make that shift...it came from God. All you can do is work on you, sadly. Prepare yourself for her next outburst, and try to be compassionate. Arm yourself with a few verses that will counter the negative messages she might fling at you. For example, she says, "I consider my self to be on my own." Message you receive, "She's rejecting you. She thinks it isn't worth it to fix your marriage." God's truth: "I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you." Jeremiah 31:3. God's truth: "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love him."
If she couldn't forgive you and didn't love you, she would have divorced you. Her path is also full of stumbles and confusion, especially if she is not getting counseling or has no one to talk to. Pray for her, that she would reject the lies Satan is whispering in her ears, too.
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KevinesKay
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Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 5, 2017 11:11:53 GMT -7
Hang in there Andreas. I'll be praying for you. And great work on staying sober from porn. You got this!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2017 5:15:48 GMT -7
I have been praying a lot about the last fight in my marriage. Yesterday night God showed made me some of the fights from my past. Fights with my dad, and I realized that the same patterns keeps repeating. Instead of talking about the issue at hand it gets muddled up into everything at once. My dad and my wife argues the same way. They are aggressive and the discussion gets escalated fast. If you don't say what they want to hear they attack the words rather than the meaning or ask for a clarification, or they ask in a way where you are left feeling like you are being interrogated. I'm not blaming them. I have my flaws. I get defensive and stop listening. Just looking for a way to leave. I get aggressive as well and say things I don't mean and in a way I don't want to. As soon as voices gets raised my brain turns off because my instinctive reaction is that it's not about resolving the issue, it's about winning by badgering, yelling, nitpicking and distorting what the other person says. There is no room for listening, explaining or understanding. If you can break the other person, force them into submission then you have won. And if not make sure that no one wins.
This last fight is a good example. She wanted to lay down and take a nap I didn't. So in my brain it was simple I would go play bass and when she woke I would come visit again if she felt like it. The lights and yardwork could be done later or another day since it's been postponed several times already. (I bought the screws for the lights more than a month ago) That's not what came out and instead it turned into yelling. We could both have stopped it. I could have been better at explaining what I meant, and she could have said that all she needed was for me to lay down with her and hold her. But non of us did so it ended up being about yelling the loudest, nitpicking at words, and everything else than the issue. Dragging in other subjects, about you said, about frustrations, about feelings.
Of course I don't feel like there is nothing for me at the house. It's my home. All I meant was that there was nothing for me to do for the 2-3 hours she was sleeping because what I felt like was to play bass, maybe practice coding. That's not how it came out. And of course it doesn't mean I won't do yardwork or help hang lights but that's not how it came out. Of course it doesn't mean I want to leave just that all my stuff is not there. Could I have gone to pick up my bass and brought it back, yes. Did I think about that, no.
I and we have a long road to walk still but first we need to learn how to crawl.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2017 19:31:48 GMT -7
Today was good. No temptation Wich is always a good day. So far I have stayed away from looking at porn or skating the border since joining this this forum. I went and talk to the guy that maybe wanted me to run his business for him. I think it went good but we will see what happens in the next few weeks. He did say that he had no intentions of calling me. Just to see if I would take the initiative. So praise God I did. I also dropped of my resume at the local hospital. It they don't contact me I will call Wednesday. My relationship with my wife is still in shreds. I'm trying to be the best husband I can be under the surcumstanc I'm in but it seems to not matter. I will keep seeking the Lord, and where he directs me I will go.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2017 0:27:05 GMT -7
I could not sleep tonight. Three times I was tempted. Three times I failed. Guess it's back on the horse. Pass start don't collect $200. So why tonight. To much stress and not enough care. I feel my resolve slipping. With all that is going on who cares.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2017 0:51:20 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2017 6:43:05 GMT -7
Put your armor back on G. Stress is a killer when it comes to temptations. Keep working on your good coping skills. You are making progress.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2017 8:57:22 GMT -7
I got drunk last night. Couldn't cope with how my life is right now and I relapsed. Watched porn three times.
Woke up to a mail from my wife saying she want a divorce because she doesn't want me anymore. I don't know what to do. I wrote her back that I don't want a divorce but if that's what God tells her then I won't stand in the way.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 8, 2017 11:21:48 GMT -7
Hey Andreas, Thanks for sharing. Really. And being honest. Sorry about your binge. This is a process. I wish I could have some easy fix for all of this. I just wanted to stop acting out so my marriage won't be ruined. But there is no quick cure. Your relapse is not an indication of your lack of determination, or knowledge, or love for your wife and family. We're addicted and the wound runs deep. I've watched thousands men relapse just like me. Real sad to watch. Even sadder to watch them give up. Andreas, I know this process is long and difficult. And there's a lot to uncertainty in your marriage. And you're thinking what's the point of even trying to save it. But don't you ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVERgive up.
At least find a reason to be sober for you. Any day without porn is a good day.
I lost my job... But I didn't use porn, that's a good day.
I lost my wife and family... But I didn't use porn, that's a good day.
I have cancer and I'm going to die... But I didn't use porn, that's a good day.
We've had too much porn in our lives to last 💯 lifetimes. And look where it's gotten us. We don't need another minute of it.
You did good to share your setbacks. We are only as sick as our secrets.
Today is a new day. Just for today, make the wise choice. You'll get through this. Just don't quit.
Bless you brother
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