Gloggen's Accountability log

Yes it is awesome to be sober and even on bad days I turn to God rather than porn. I still have a long road but I'm letting God work through me.

It's been 178 days since I gave my life to Christ and a few days more since I masturbated to porn.
It's been 139 days since I last watched porn.
It's been 24 days since I looked at inappropriate things.
It's been 22 days since my wife asked me to leave because I was still lying and being in denial.
It's been 18 days since I signed up here and asked for help for the first time. Admitting that I could not do it alone.
It's been 17 days since I talked to my Minister, who is also a pa as it turns out. Did not see that coming. Thank you God.
It's been 10 days since my first talk with my accountability partner, and we will have our third talk on Thursday.

I think that about sums up the days.

Today was a good day. I spent all the workday walking painting and praying. God told me to leave my past behind. That all the hurt was no longer mine and that I should just keep working and worshipping Him.

Thank you Father for blessing me. For putting a wonderful, beautiful, God fearing wife in my life. Thank you for, through her, lifting the veil that was over my eyes.

Just got back from Bible study. It was just mean an Deacon H as it is most times. We talked a lot about what happens in our life when we don't have God first but just feed him the crumbs of our time.
I told him that my wife and I are separated and that it was because of me. I was open about my addiction, about the things I had done, and the lies I had told her. That lead to a good talk with him about Gods healing powers. I have found out over the past 2+ weeks that the more open and honest I am the more God opens my eyes to the self deceit in the shame I carried for so long.

After Church I stopped by our house to pick up Mike's books that my wife had been so kind to pick up at the post office. She had left the dogs outside so I could say hi to them as well. Thank you! I don't know why I let my shame overshadow the fact that I have an amazing wife for so long. I am truly sorry for all the hurt I have caused her and I know it's going to take time before that heals. I prayed to God on the way home to help her heal.

Now I will eat some food because I'm tired, drained and hungry.
Have a blessed night

Yesterday I had a really good meeting with my accountability partner. We were supposed to meet for an hour but ended up spending a little over two hours talking. We identified triggers, patterns, emotional responses, talk about how to break the cycle etc. Just a really good talk.
There is no SA group in our area so he's decided to see if he can start something up. I'm going to help him as much as I can.
Worship practice went well. God gave me a chance to let go of some of my pride, and I did. Our trumpet player commented on the floor tom being too loud. Instead of getting defiant I kept working on the sound setup, listened extra carefully for that, turned it down, and went over and said thank you to him.
Also a worship leader that had called me to alter to pray for me in December or January was there. He asked how my marriage was going, and I straight up told him that we were living separated and that was because I was a recovering porn addict. Told him I was doing my accountability log, talking to my accountability partner, praying, reading and talking to my Minister. Again no judgmental talk. Just a keep working and praying.
So that was a good day with lots of small victories.

I have been thinking and praying a lot regarding my marriage this week, and what I need to do better. I'm working on getting out of the me-ness mindset and take a step back. My AP said something good yesterday. The reason you get married at the alter is because there is going to be sacrifices. And also that when you get married you lose all right to your own body. When I do something to me I'm damaging someone else's property. I never saw it like that before.
I realized that marriage is a reflection of our relationship with Christ. It takes total surrender. I have been willing to surrender some things but I also have been selfish in the things I wanted to keep. You can have some of my love but this part I'm keeping for me.
I have not been very good at being in the we-ness unless it was to my benefit. And it's easy to be selfless when it's in your interest. I have gotten better but I have not stood naked and unashamed before my wife in the spiritual sense.
All work starts with the first step and I pray that God will heal my wife and me.


This morning I woke up with with what feels like a hangover. The bed I'm sleeping in is not that good and it's getting hot where I'm living. Just have to be better at drinking enough water.

I hope you all have a blessed day.

I know that I can't do this alone. It is true that only God can change me but I need people around me to keep me moving forward. I also know that I will see my accountability partner each Sunday at Church (as a minimum), and my Minister at least twice a week. So they will help keep me grounded.

I have looked at the SA telemeetings and I don't like the idea. I will give it a try but in my head it's like a Skype conference but worse. I may be totally misguided in believing that. Will look at them again.

Today has been okay. Caught myself getting wandering eyes while waiting for my boss. Put on some worship music and started praying. I'm getting better at catching myself and changing direction. Every time I thank God for the small steps I take and for Him guiding me to a better life.

I will try that. Thank you.

Just woke up after a 5 hour nap... Guess I really needed to sleep. Was reading Mike's book and fell asleep. Not because it's boring I have just been working with an industrial gas powered hedge trimmer all day, and that is hard work.

There was an email from my wife when I woke. She asked how many people I have had sex with since we meet, I'm glad that my addiction never took me to that kind of adultery. My heart skipped a beat when I read it, and my first thought was how could she even think that. But I understand why. If I lied about porn what else would I have lied about and tried to hide. To me one of the lies that kept me in porn for all those years was "as long as I'm not physically with someone it's okay" so I was never physical with another person. That is not a pat on my back just a thank you to the Lord that he stopped me before I went there. I also think that it would have come at some point had my wife not called me out.

Glad to see your hanging in there. Habits are hard to break but I'm seeing the more I become conscious  of what I'm doing (being responsive to the Holy Spirit) the less power the flesh is having over me.

Congrats on your great day gloggen. Keep it up. You got this!