Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2017 12:24:27 GMT -7
It's now been four days since my wife kicked me out, and I thank God for giving me the strength to not look at porn or masturbate.
It's not been easy. The have been times where I started typing in websites but started praying instead. My brain keeps saying that it's okay since she already kicked me out. Who cares anymore. It can't get worse.
I'm new here, and I don't have any support group yet. So if someone know of any online groups where I can talk to someone.
I live in a remote place and I cant find any groups here.
please pray for me. I really need it.
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2017 15:29:35 GMT -7
Just got a blank e-mail from my wife. A resend from yesterday stating we need to sit down and talk about divorce after Church tomorrow. So I guess that's it. I'm not looking for sympathy. I know I brought this on myself.
Right now I am empty, I feel sad, and very alone. Please God give me the strength to make it through the night.
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KevinesKay
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Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on May 20, 2017 23:54:22 GMT -7
Welcome Andreas. Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you came here. You'll find a lot of support and guidance here. Sorry to here about your situation. Sometimes, we need those bottoming out moments to finally drive ourselves to take action.
Congratulations on making 4 days. Yeah!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Don't give up. You can get through this. Just focus on making good choices for today.
I can relate to what you shared about pushing the envelope on your boundaries. As a PA, I can turn a lot of things into pornography. And so can you. And it's REALLY important that you set some good boundaries for yourself. Just because it's YouTube, for instance, doesn't mean that it's okay to view it. And viewing the sexy material that others deem non-pornographic only continues the ritualistic cycle of going back to full hard core material. Keep working on doing something better for your life and yourself. As for your marriage, it may be over, it may not be. But don't let the devil feed suppositions in your head that are based on lies. There is hope. And you can do this, even if you lose your wife. You don't want to stay in this muck after all it's done to you. You deserve better.
And you finally accepted that you can't do it alone. That's true. Why do so many of us think we have to do this lone ranger style? Let me tell you, doing this alone is a guaranteed trip to falling flat on our face. I've experienced it, and I've witnessed it. God uses other people as a primary means to speak to us. Let's not shut that out.
Andreas, you just need some encouragement. We're behind you. With God's help, you got this. You got 4 days. That's awesome. Really. Let's go for 5. Let's do this!
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2017 10:21:45 GMT -7
Hitting rock bottom hurts like hell. Been there. As Kevin said your marriage may or may not be over. Right now you need to focus what this sin/addiction as done and realize that you can overcome and fight it. You do not want to let it beat you. God can restore you and transform you into a better man however you are going to have to fight for it. God will guide and help you but you have to use your free will to choose to turn from the sin. That is never easy but well worth the effort.
Hang on and be fully prepared. You are in for a long battle with many bruises and some falls. It's all part of learning and growing stronger. Don't give up.
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2017 19:17:29 GMT -7
Thank you both for the encouraging words. I know it's going to be a long and hard road but I will find victory with the help of God and the people around me.
Today was a busy day so there have been no time to think about sin. At 7am I went to Church where I do sound. So first sound check, then praise and worship, then the service, and normally I make sure everything is shut down after. I asked on of the brothers if he could do it since I had to talk to my wife so around 11.30 am I left Church. The drive back home was nerve racking, and more than once the devil told me to just not go and talk to her, and if I did I should just deny and lie about everything, blame her and get mad. Lots of praying on the drive, and we are only talking about a 10 minute drive.
At home my wife gave me 30 minutes to talk without her saying a word. I was honest and took responsibility for all that has happened. No halftruths, no pointing fingers, no blameshifting. It was very liberating. I told her sorry about a million times. I told her what I have been doing actively to get help. Join this forum, start and accountability log, orders Mike's books, Started a journal, and found some telemeetings for PA. We prayed together, and had a good talk. We spent the day together, and I went for pizza. We decided on staying apart for the time being but we are not filing for divorce. God is indeed great for putting a woman for her faith in my life.
At 5.30 Pm we said goodbye and I went to my evening Church. It's my relaxation time where I can just get the word since I'm busy working in the morning. It was another great service but the best part was after when one of our Ministers asked how things were going. I was this close >< to rattling off the old all is well phrase. Decided to put away the shame and guilt and be honest with her. Best thing I have done in a long time. She and her husband have both been struggling with PA so we had a long talk about finding the root issues, trusting in God, praying and letting go of shame. She also offered that both my wife and I could have a talk with her and her husband.
Now I'm tired but feel very good about things. God is so great. He gave me the courage to be honest, and the strength to put away the shame, and I was rewarded for being faithful to what he was whispering. Thank you Lord.
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Post by rical on May 22, 2017 4:29:42 GMT -7
Welcome to the group. Before coming here I've found people were either sincere with there intentions but not good at follow thru, apathetic, or judgement. After joining this group they've helped me be free from acting out or indulging in my fantasies since May 8. That is not to say I don't have thoughts enter my mind (I do) however Jesus is giving the power not to entertain them. I check into this forum often, even if I don't post, I gain strength and hope from others . God bless and I'll be praying for you and your wife , be patient with her , she been deeply wounded and will need as much help as you to recover. In Luke 15, God celebrated the return of the lost, but chastised the judgement.
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2017 15:38:21 GMT -7
That is indeed praise worthy news! Thank you Lord for guiding gloggen! You had a major victory so be on guard. Sin doesn't like losing.
Rical I am 9 years porn free and I still have to guard against wrong thoughts and temptations that enter my mind. It has gotten easier to turn from them and to say no to them. I praise God for that. He saw me through and taught me that my strength lies in Him. It also helps to wash your mind with the truth of scripture daily.
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2017 19:00:50 GMT -7
Day 6. Yay
Had a really nice and productive day. Worked close to 13 hours total. A bit much but luckily every day is not like this. When I work all thoughts about sin are gone. I think I'm blessed that God gives me enough to do during the day. During a break in work I saw my wife again, and we had another good talk. We just sat in the kitchen talking for an hour over a cup of coffee. Also got to play with the dogs which is always great! Then back to work.
Just finished with the last of my work, and all of the sudden I had an urge to masturbate so I decided to pray, and to come here and write instead. When I'm done posting I will pray some more. It was one of my old habits since I work from home. (well right now I work from a friends home) It was always easy to just put something on masturbate, and excuse myself with the fact that it was "just to relax" The devil whispered in my ear that it would make me relax, that I deserved it since I had worked so hard today. That once would not hurt. I know that God will give me the strength to heal. All the relaxation I need is in the Lord. And once would lead right back to the same old patterns of lying to myself and my wife.
Pray for me tonight. I need as many prayer warriors in my corner as I can get.
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2017 21:16:30 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2017 4:59:24 GMT -7
Day7
It's morning and I'm getting ready for work. I'm feeling really lonely and sad right now. I know I need to give my wife space and time but I miss her. I hate waking up in bed alone. I don't feel like getting off yet but I know that if I allow these feelings to keep growing then I probably will.
I reread my post from yesterday, and thought I needed to clarify my work. I'm working different jobs. One is my "day job" where I'm a private contractor, the other job right now is helping a guy build his own business. The first of course takes me out of the house and is physical work so it takes my mind off things. The other is at home where it's just me and my thoughts. That's the hard one. The reason I clarify my job situation is because I have a bad habit of half truths. It is true I work from home but not only. I'm working on breaking that cycle as well. It was my way of always justifying what I was doing. No I didn't lie you just misunderstood. And because some of it were true then that was fine in my head. Taking it one day at a time.
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2017 8:28:21 GMT -7
You need to court your wife again. Remember what it was like when you first were getting to know each other? Do those things again and add in being open and truthful about your journey to overcome your sin. Talk, date, give her small things, send her notes just to say hi I am thinking of you...etc. make her a priority in your life.
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2017 19:58:26 GMT -7
Yesterday and again today have been good. Especially since my wife and I have had some long and very open conversations. Today I told her about some of the things that caused my descent into PA. I helped me a lot, and I think it made her understand me a little better.
I have had thoughts of M both yesterday and today but have not acted upon them. Instead I prayed and talked to my wife. The urge yesterday came when I left our house. I got sad and wanted to have a few seconds of feeling better but thought that it would only make things worse. When I got back to where I currently live I did some work. The internet was extremely slow making my progress almost grind to a halt. The frustrating made me think of P and how I used to use frustration as an excuse to watch it. Instead I wrote my wife being open and honest about how I was feeling, and that helped. Today the trigger was just being with my wife. But once again I talked to her about it, and how I want to retrain my brainpatterns, also what alternatives I have started. It's a process but so far my biggest supporter have been my wife.
The fact that I'm open and completely honest with her is the only reason she is not wanting to divorce me.
I thank God for giving me the strength to be honest. For Him to take away my shame and guilty. And for the blessing He has sent me in my wife. He truly knows what I need.
All the praise and glory to Him.
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2017 4:08:48 GMT -7
Good morning. Since I'm newly reborn. About half a year ago. I do not know many scriptures, and I'm also not very good at memorising them. So my way of doing things may be a little different. When I need a little extra Lord boost. I start singing in my head. Not out loud since that would probably scare people around me. m.youtube.com/watch?v=fbeOLKuDtTgThis one works really well for me. It's all about finding strength in Jesus. It's happy and it's a good prayer to the Lord. Just thought I would share one of my strategies this morning. I hope everyone has a blessed day.
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2017 6:58:55 GMT -7
I am glad your wife is supportive in your journey. Your journey is actually a journey for her as well. Keep that in mind. It will not always be easy for her. So be understanding when she voices her concerns and emotions.
I understand about not being good at memorizing scripture. I am the same. Song is a wonderful tool to use. Music speaks to us and God as nothing else can.
Good job at using different things to overcome your urges and temptations! Praise God!
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2017 4:52:34 GMT -7
I almost slipped last night. Came back from praise and worship band practice and felt really sorry for myself. I have a cold and all the things I wanted to do yesterday kinda went down the drain. I did not work on the business project, I did not talk to my Minister, and I did not do my morning prayer. So before bed my brain went to "f it. Just get off and go to sleep" all the stress and sickness made me weak. I said a prayer, and went to bed. Today I don't feel better physically but I'm in a good spot mentally. It's okay to have off days as long as I don't let anything overshadow God. I have to be better at putting him first. When I don't the devil creeps close.
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