Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2017 18:53:25 GMT -7
Right now I really miss my wife. Just for her to give me a hug and say that it's going to be okay.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2017 18:20:16 GMT -7
Have been working on exit strategies today. My phone and laptop: I need to limit my time online, and do other stuff. It's always been very easy for me to get caught up in my phone. Not only for porn but as a way to escape the world around me. If I get tempted I need to turn them off, and turn them over to someone else. That is hard right now but further down the road. Accountability software helps but it's my brain I need to retrain. My eyes when shopping etc: the idea of snapping my fingers is good but if it gets to much I need to walk away.
But mainly I need to stop lying to myself about what is going on. Keep writing here and seeking God.
Today was a good day. I wrote my sister and explained why I'm separated from my wife. No nonsenses just the fact. I'm a recovering porn addict and I have a problem with the truth. That is why we don't live together. It took me like four days to write her but I thank God for giving me the courage to do it.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2017 4:49:15 GMT -7
When I went to sleep last night I started having very vivid pictures in my head and the same when I woke this morning. I just laid in bed praying until they went away. I asked God to burn them with holy fire. That helped. I also applied Mike's tactic of turning away mentally to a picturing God. I kept going back to the picture of Jesus in Revelations, white hair, burning eyes and a long white robe. It was a strange experience because the pictures was of my wife. I have always found her attractive and still do. But she was also standing next to Jesus. So I turned from the physical to the spiritual. What was strange for me was to ask God to burn images of my wife. I don't want to objectifying my wife. I want her to always be the beautiful spiritual woman that I see when we are together, talking in the kitchen, when I wake up next to her, or when we are outside planting. I do not think there is anything wrong in finding my wife attractive but I refuse to make her part of some lust fueled fantasy anymore. I want to be with her not for her to be there for my selfish satisfaction. I love her, I appreciate her, and I like her for the woman she is.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2017 6:39:38 GMT -7
Super frustrated right now. I'm trying to get my business license and after three months I finally have my letter of existence, got my ein number and I'm ready to get my business license only to realize that what I was told was not right. I was told by a license officer that when I had my letter of existence it would only be about $40 more... Now it turns out it will be around $500 more plus $200 for trade mark. Another thing I was told was not needed. Not sure if I need the trade mark. Don't know what to do right now. Really do not want to go to the guy who originally funded me and say "I know you lent me $3000 but I would like to borrow another grand or two" praying on it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2017 7:52:05 GMT -7
Hey not sure what your business is but a trademark is a good idea. Otherwise some other person can steal your business name and/or idea. Having a trademark will give you some recourse in court if someone does try to take your business name and/or idea.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 14, 2017 13:33:18 GMT -7
I sure like your posts, gloggen. So impressed with your dedication. Each day, your getting stronger. Love how God is transforming your image of women. Lord bless you and your marriage.
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Post by rical on Jun 14, 2017 14:00:45 GMT -7
Hi Gloggen, I just read your post about not objectifying your wife, perfect timing. I "sneak peek at my wife all the time. I was thinking of posting it but I am caught up with not wanting to be weird (isn't that how I got here in the first place) I am going to do what you said, move her from sexual to a spiritual being.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2017 7:14:33 GMT -7
It's been some days since I last posted. Thursday was a great day. I did not have any work but my wife texted that I could stop by if I wanted. So we spend the day together. Did some errands, did some shopping and went out to a quiet place just to sit together. It was wonderful. The praise and worship was cut short because the guest singer was not in yet. He had to fly here but had not gotten his ticket. So we had a great ministering and the decided to meet at 6 today instead. After I went back home to my wife. We talked until 2 at night and decided that I was going to sleep there. I can't describe how happy I was waking up next to her Friday. Again no work so we just relaxed together until 4 in the afternoon. My evening was okay. I watched a lot of music and videos on YouTube, played some games on my phone and read quite a deal. There was no battle with lust on YouTube I did not look for or watch anything that was inappropriate so that is a victory. Since I have spent so much time with my wife I have not done the 40 day challenge. Today I will catch up on the days I missed, or maybe just do one day depending on how many thoughts it starts. One of the talks I had with my wife was about me being better at sharing how I feel. She blankly said that was never a problem, that was nice to hear because in my head I had with held many feelings. It seems that in withholding my feelings about addiction I have built up this idea that I was withholding everything. So I will just keep being honest and open about it all. I have not heard back from my sister but that is normal. She lives I a different country, has her family to take care of, her job, and all the problems that come with that as well. This weekend was our annual cousin get together. I was not there last year either. Maybe next year we will have the economy to travel to Europe for a weekend and my wife can meet my cousins that I grew up with.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2017 9:54:18 GMT -7
I'm feeling depressed today. It's hard to find the energy to do anything. I'm doing good with lust. My wife and I are spending more time together. We talk more and do more things together. So that is super nice. It's just all the surrounding stuff that brings me down. I just feel like everything is going fine and the a slump. I'm tired of not having enough work, enough money, enough energy. Always feeling like I'm struggling, then a breath of air and back down we go. I hate it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2017 14:01:54 GMT -7
I'm feeling depressed today. It's hard to find the energy to do anything. I'm doing good with lust. My wife and I are spending more time together. We talk more and do more things together. So that is super nice. It's just all the surrounding stuff that brings me down. I just feel like everything is going fine and the a slump. I'm tired of not having enough work, enough money, enough energy. Always feeling like I'm struggling, then a breath of air and back down we go. I hate it. Yup. I feel the same. It's part of life for most of us. Remember to use your good coping skills to get through this depression. When I am depressed, I go work in the garden or listen to uplifting Christian sermons and songs. It helps. Push yourself to do positive things. I know it can be difficult but we are fighters at heart. So fight for your peace. Also if it is bad, think about seeing a doctor and getting on an antidepressant. They help keep the lows from being too low.
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Post by rical on Jun 20, 2017 18:19:09 GMT -7
I have a friend from AA who used to tell me "that sobriety gives me the ability to experience life like the rest of the world" and "so long as I don't drink I've had a good day. Until I read your post, I forgot I was depressed yesterday morning. It's nice that you and your wife are hanging out together.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2017 11:10:23 GMT -7
I listened to a sermon today that really blessed me and since it's on the topic of happiness, I thought you might like to listen to it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2017 8:59:16 GMT -7
Thank you so much Amy. I will listen to the sermon.
Today is a great day. I'm not struggling with lust and my mood is better.
I have started bidding in some freelance accounting and bookkeeping jobs so I'm praying over that. It feels good to do something active in changing my situation.
Yesterday I spent some time with my wife and that always makes me happy. We did a bunch of errands, and she helped me with a job application. I got a little annoyed with her at the end because I felt rushed to finish my application so I left as fast as I could because I did not want to feel that way. She did nothing wrong and my feelings should not be directed towards her. We talked when I got back to where I live but I did not want to get into why I left so fast. Did not want to stress her or make her feel like it was her fault. So I hope she didn't. Will ask her and explain next time we talk.
I'm praying that either the job opening or some freelance work will come my way.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2017 11:27:56 GMT -7
Hey G! Glad you are feeling better. Guess what type of work I did before I became disabled? I am a numbers person too.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2017 14:35:46 GMT -7
Just finished Mike's book it was eye opening. I have always doubted that God or others loved me. Always expecting them to leave. So I loved half-hearted, went to porn for comfort and saw that my predictions were true. They left. Yay for me not giving them my all because I was right... Or at least I never wanted to see that I was the problem. I have so much respect for the strength of my wife. She had been to war for me. She could have called it quits and no one but me would have blamed her. My name is Andreas, I'm a porn addict in recovery, and I have a deep rooted fear of rejection from the people I love. For the first time since childhood I accept in my heart that God loves me, that my wife loves me and that I am worth loving.
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