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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2017 9:54:43 GMT -7
You go ladies.. Goldie, Kelly ..im listening and learning from you guys.. thanks for being strong examples.. Hugs...
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2017 13:01:33 GMT -7
I don't know how strong I am. I hope this has a happy ending...one I can envision now.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2017 2:23:21 GMT -7
Truthfully alone I am NOT a strong person. I began a co dependency recovery program about 10 years ago because my husband had convinced me that I had deep seeded issues. I worked HARD with a group of ladies and read and prayed and journaled and went to a counselor for years and I got way way better. I worked through all my childhood trauma and I grew up emotionally. I began a new journey I felt such peace inside personally. However as far my marriage ..... the better I got the worse my marriage was getting. My husband kept telling me I had deep seeded issues. He told me all kinds of things about myself that are 100% totally false....that I am uncaring, unkind, jealous, unreasonable paranoid .....etc .... I on the other hand never once felt those ways nor did I beleive what he said anymore. That's when I had enough courage to face the truth....I was not dealing with my husband.... I was dealing with Satans addiction. This is when I threw myself totally into God and began a war fighting for my sanity, my life, husband, family, home and finances. I do have a good job and I have plenty of material things that would have allowed me to find myself my own place and leave. This was not what I wanted. I would only leave if my husband had not gone to treatment and began actually working his program. My place was ( and is ) to stay out of anger and resentment and to be open to my husband's recovery. A lot depends on me and my attitude towards him. He has done the criteria I have asked - besides 1 thing 1. Intensive Treatment at a Christain Center 2. Repent 3. Joined a men's support group 4. Got an accountability partener 5. Has a counselor 6. He came clean with me 7. He is actively working his program daily I asked him to install covent eyes on his devices and he has not done this yet. He did throw away his computer and just set up his new one. I hope that he will tell me soon ( on his own ) that he installed it. In addition to the criteria I laid out he also is reading, praying, journaling and has asked me to sit with him daily to pray together and also wants me to do bookwork with him and watch some recovery CD's with him. He is calmer, he smiles now and he looks like he is at peace inside. He said he had a spiritual experience at treatment and made new friends and understands why he had gotten to where he was at. His main request of me is to tell him when I see him veering away from me emotionally. He learned skills at treatment to connect with me and he said sometimes I may need to tell him when I feel that he is putting up a wall again. I don't know about you guys except for us the wall begins with unhealthy communication - so this part will help him with. And I will pray with him and do the recovery work with him in the books and cds. My main work is with me. Being aware of my attitude and correcting myself when I am wrong with him as far as coming down too hard. Keep praying and keep pressing through. I cannot emphasize enouh how important it is to get your own support built up big! Make yourself a team of people to suppprt you.... counselor, advisor, friends, groups, woman .... just make sure your support is not used for bashing your husband or being a victim. Use your support to learn. It's ok to vent and it's ok to be hurt or angery or upset occasionally however we have to let it go we cannot hand into it! Help others who are like you! By me helping others it helps me more! This does not mean we have to forgive our spouse TODAY We can decide to work on forgiveness a little at a time. We can decide to begin new ways of thinking. If you don't have work outside the home getting even a part time job helps build yourself up and gives us something else to focus on besides our marriage also do things for yourself no matter how small.... a bubble bath.... a 5 minute walk.... helping our neighbor .... just anything. Also be cheerful and kind to everyone.... this is good practice for us ..... work in yourself. Don't demand of your husband just tell him that he is free to make his own choices and you are free to make yours.,.. I am not for divorce! However we must realize that sometimes divorce happens.?use these struggles as stepping stones for growth! I am not a strong person..... god is strong and when we ask for his help and strength he gives it to us. Ask God for help and strength everyday prayer is your best friend !
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2017 2:38:56 GMT -7
My husband may decide that IA recovery SA recovery is not for him. That's ok. As much as I hate the thought of leaving I have already decided I do not want the kind of ways we had in the past to be the way it is. So I would go. However as long as he stays in recovery daily and there is gradual improvement between us then I am all for being with him always. I know we will have lots of bumps in the road. We have already had a bump and cleared it up and moved forward so I think each of us has to care for ourselves. Hey this addiction IS NOT ABoUT you! You just got caught up in it.... it's not your fault! You have a right to be hurt and angery you have a right to make your choices. You cannot make him see how this addiction works..... he has to see it for himself and my husband just resented me for telling him .... tell your husband to go to a free SA group or get in with a men's group anywhere so they can help him. Ask him to do it.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2017 2:41:01 GMT -7
Please just don't stay stuck in anger! Inch forward a little each day Now is the time to let go!!!! I put all my trust in God I gave 100% of all myself and trust to God I focused on God. I did the next right thing to the best of my ability....I get up in the morning.... no matter how bad I felt ( feel ) ..... drink my coffee.... have my snack..... do my prayer.... my meditations .... my readings..... take my shower no matter what.....get dressed .... do my chores.....make my calls..... go to work.... make my meetings with counselor..... touch base with other support .... do my errands..... tend to grandchildren..... journal ...... eat healthy..... take care of ME. Then I do it again the next day! Trust God do the next right thing. This is what I did.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2017 5:39:10 GMT -7
The thing of it for me is that, while I don't want to be stuck in anger, my husband has tried to deny me my feelings for so long. Whenever I have caught my husband doing something wrong, his reaction has been about why I am wrong to be bothered by it instead of how he was wrong to have done what he did. He does apologize, mind you, but those are half-hearted and intertwined with justifications for himself. For example,
- "I'm sorry I did this to you, but at least I never cheated." WRONG!
- "I was wrong to have had that conversation with that woman, but my intentions were innocent!" BULL!
- "I'll be more gentle. We'very both been so hard on each other." NO! HE HAS BEEN SELFISH AND MEAN. I HAVE CALLED HIM ON IT, WHICH MAKES HIM UNCOMFORTABLE.
He shifts blame, twists scripture to suit himself, gaslights, and, for all his apologies, has never actually stopped his adultery or even asked me how I am feeling.
On Thursday, I told him I don't want to see him anymore outside of our weekly counseling or in passing when we happen to be in the same place at the same time. I also told him he can have his tantalizing escapades and fantasies or he can have me, his wife. He cannot have both any longer.
I don't know what will happen to my marriage, and I'm not in any shape to decide that now either. But this will take a long time to heal, and if he changes I will have to observe those changes over time before deciding how much of my life I want to share with him.
He may never actually get there. He may succumb to this disease of the devil. It may take him away from me and kill him. But it won't take me too. I am tired of pretending to be cheerful, happy, and unbothered for other people's sake. I am hurt, angry, and very very sad about all this. I didn't want to be 40 years old and separated from my second husband. Nonetheless, I am exactly that, which is ok in spite of how it sucks.
My husband spent yesterday telling me how much he loves me; however, he still has not asked me how I'm doing or feeling. He thinks this is still all about him. That is telling.
At times, I need to vent about him. I don't want to be stuck in anger, but I'm no longer willing to put on a false brave face for him or anyone else in the world. I'd rather be real. For what it's worth, though, I have forgiven him many times over, but that is VERY different from deciding to reconcile with him again. At this point in time, I don't trust him and I don't condone this sin. Nor will my actions do so by lessening his discomfort.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2017 11:51:00 GMT -7
I sit right in the middle of both of your examples... Goldie.. i am like you.. im in taking care of me mode and listen to him when he wants to share and i am always willing to be his loving wife....im a ride or die kinda wife.. it comes from being raised in the rough side of town...he definitely has not earned this kind of loyalty from me!! God is pretty much the only thing getting me threw...
Kelly...i feel just like you because its devastating and hard to be his loving wife when he hurts me over and over again. Im never allowed to be angry or express hurt without feeling like im being laughed at... Actually laughed at with tears falling down my face and he finds it funny!! I die a little every time it happens!
Somedays im strong and somedays im not but i keep dragging theses chains and moving forward .. wondering and waiting when the devil will let him go or he will fight the d3vil away! ... i pray and pray and rest in god and am trying to build s support system... I've found most people can't handle helping me... this is a marathon not a sprint.. they burn out way before the battle is over... or say stupid crap like "it's only porn.. its not that bad.. everyone does it.. get over it" makes me want to scratch their eyes out.. or let the walk one week in my shoes..i bet they wont "just get over it"... ugh!
I just keep working on me.. thats all I've really got control over... My marriage has a long long way to go...
You guys also help ALOT!!! .. knowing im not suffering in silence Alone anymore ... i did that for 28 years..that almost killed me.. i definitely lost myself..lost my mind..it was scary.. im just now learning myself again.. but somehow i know its gonna be ok.. no matter what the ending is.. I can feel God telling me that.. thats very comforting..
Most days im happy despite the devils efforts to destroy me and my husband.. I just look for God and keep it moving..
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Post by ladystrong on Apr 8, 2017 21:02:29 GMT -7
The thing of it for me is that, while I don't want to be stuck in anger, my husband has tried to deny me my feelings for so long. Whenever I have caught my husband doing something wrong, his reaction has been about why I am wrong to be bothered by it instead of how he was wrong to have done what he did. He does apologize, mind you, but those are half-hearted and intertwined with justifications for himself. For example, - "I'm sorry I did this to you, but at least I never cheated." WRONG! - "I was wrong to have had that conversation with that woman, but my intentions were innocent!" BULL! - "I'll be more gentle. We'very both been so hard on each other." NO! HE HAS BEEN SELFISH AND MEAN. I HAVE CALLED HIM ON IT, WHICH MAKES HIM UNCOMFORTABLE. He shifts blame, twists scripture to suit himself, gaslights, and, for all his apologies, has never actually stopped his adultery or even asked me how I am feeling. On Thursday, I told him I don't want to see him anymore outside of our weekly counseling or in passing when we happen to be in the same place at the same time. I also told him he can have his tantalizing escapades and fantasies or he can have me, his wife. He cannot have both any longer. I don't know what will happen to my marriage, and I'm not in any shape to decide that now either. But this will take a long time to heal, and if he changes I will have to observe those changes over time before deciding how much of my life I want to share with him. He may never actually get there. He may succumb to this disease of the devil. It may take him away from me and kill him. But it won't take me too. I am tired of pretending to be cheerful, happy, and unbothered for other people's sake. I am hurt, angry, and very very sad about all this. I didn't want to be 40 years old and separated from my second husband. Nonetheless, I am exactly that, which is ok in spite of how it sucks. My husband spent yesterday telling me how much he loves me; however, he still has not asked me how I'm doing or feeling. He thinks this is still all about him. That is telling. At times, I need to vent about him. I don't want to be stuck in anger, but I'm no longer willing to put on a false brave face for him or anyone else in the world. I'd rather be real. For what it's worth, though, I have forgiven him many times over, but that is VERY different from deciding to reconcile with him again. At this point in time, I don't trust him and I don't condone this sin. Nor will my actions do so by lessening his discomfort. You're absolutely right on. Forgiveness is different from reconciliation, which takes absolute humility and repentance from your husband for his sin. It sounds like he is not there yet so I think it is wise to stay separated. He needs to feel enough pain to get to rock bottom and repent. I wouldn't trust him either. He has to earn back that trust through trustworthy acts over a long period of time. I pray that the Lord would convict him soon and that you would continue to cling to the Lord through all of this!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2017 21:42:23 GMT -7
My favorite time to get on here is at night and read where others are at in thier journey. I can relate to pretty much everything that you guys write. My husband has what's called Intimacy Anorexia. I had only heard about this condition just recently and it sounded just like my husband's ways. I never mentioned it to him though. He went to treatment for sex addiction ( viewing porn, voyerism, strip clubs and massage parlors are his thing ). When they assessed him at intake they noticed his ADD ( or ADHD ) right away. It's very obvious. Then after doing a check sheet they said he has Intimacy anorexia. It comes with a whole list of personal thinking issues and emotional issues. Having this is what caused him to use the sex and then he became addicted to the sex misbehavior. My husband said he feels relieved to now have a name for his condition and that he has begun a recovery program to help him get better from Intimacy anorexia He has been absitnant from active SA for 9 days now. It's not a long time for sure.... however it's a start. A lot of what you guys write about your spouses behavior and actions and words sound just like my husband. The way the counselor explained it to my husband is that it's almost impossible to have sex addiction ( SA ) without Intimacy anorexia ( IA ). Maybe look up IA and read about it for yourself and more than likely it will fit some of your husband too, it is treatable which is good news. The partener has to participate in helping the spouse recovery by telling thier spouse whenever they start to distance themselves from the spouse. This is the first step ( or sign ) in IA that if continued would lead back to SA. It took 56 years for my husband to know what he has a true intimacy condition and it will take lots of practicing new ways, I have to work my program and love my husband. I can say without a shadow of a doubt this is the hardest thing I had ever faced in my life ever ( IA and SA ) a lot of good has come of it though. I found lots of personal growth and I became a true spiritual strong warrior. Right now I am just trying to relax and recoup physically from years of spiritual warfare. Mentally I feel level and emotionally I am exhausted and want to think about and really focus on other things like my work and my home and my hobbies and grandchildren. I am not worried about my husband. Now he knows what's wrong and he will ether continue recovery or he won't except I know I will be ok no matter what
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2017 23:08:32 GMT -7
Sometimes i find that im tired... tired of feeling all the pain and tired of even venting or talking about it... somedays i just wanna bury my head in the sand...
I will look up the IA stuff.. it might help explain a few things to me.. thanks for the tip!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2017 23:26:24 GMT -7
Goldie... i looked up IA.. my husband definitely treats me this way... I'm gonna see if i can get a book and read up on it... The thing is .. im reading and learning and getting educated and it does no good if he dont understand this is what is going on in our marriage and he's pretty hard to talk to...
But i guess the silver lining is.. when he uses these this kinds of things on me .. atleast now instead of thinking im nuts and its all my fault.. i will see right threw it and know exactly whats going on.. Thank god for that! Thanks goldie!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2017 6:15:45 GMT -7
Thank you, Ladystrong. Goldie, good points about IA. I knew that PA/SA are intimacy disorders at core, but I never really thought about it from that angle. The point I just read that rings most strongly with me is the keeping busy. My God does my husband stay busy. When we were dating, that was fun because he always came up with fun ideas for things to do together and he spent lots of time going out with me. It was a lot less fun when we got married.
He hardly ever stayed at home, which left no down time to take care of the house, no down time to relax with each other, and it was quite expensive to go out all the time. He would blame me for that (ergo he always "had to" go out to eat, wasn't comfortable at home because I was too demanding/controlling about my neatness, etc.) saying how he was afraid to cook in our kitchen because of how I reacted to his messes. That is a cover. I like things neat, but I am not excessively clean. In fact, he's the only person I've ever met who commented about that. I never asked him to mop the floor or even empty the dishwasher either. Just clean up after himself.
I really feel that issue was created by his PA, which is a very selfish disease. If he were able to consider someone else's feelings, he would've seen how selfish it was to be more concerned for his right to make a mess than for my irritation at having to clean up after him 3 and 4 times a day, especially when I work from home and can't have clients walking into an uninviting space. And that was only one such issue. My husband is very much a child stuck in a man's body.
First things first, though. I don't know how long he'll be living separately from me. Maybe permanently if I never observe long-term changes. He absolutely can't continue to act out sexually and have me at the same time. It will take a long time for me to decide if I can trust him again.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2017 19:22:59 GMT -7
Since I caught my husband acting out again last Tuesday and threatened him with divorce, he told me he is now broken, etc. (I put more details in my other thread, but thought this post was more appropriate here). I'm now seeing some very positive changes. We decided the best way to move forward from here is to start having weekly discussions (in addition to our weekly marriage counseling) aimed at rebuilding trust. He's actually showing a tender, giving side to himself I've never seen before. I pray this good start leads to something great. That said, I am purposely taking my sweet ole time with this, and he has not moved back in yet. I told him, he is forgiven, but we have to work on trust over time.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2017 19:52:46 GMT -7
Change takes time. Keep that in mind. It's one step forward and three steps back most of the time especially in the beginning. So make him work at it. Stay cautious and go slow.
Hugs and prayers
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2017 0:55:34 GMT -7
Yes on the IA a good place to do research for us wives in that is APSATS.org. There is article after article on IA. Even though our husband's may not be ready to face the truth about things we can still face the truth for ourselves. If we don't we stay weak, uneduacated about what's really going on ( distance ) and we stay angry fearful hurt and worse of all in constant pain. Also read and watch you tubes of Brene' Brown she helps a lot with me and my mindset and how to really think things through. I am getting better whether my husband does or not. I learned forgiveness means to forego my right for revenge. I also learned that I have been placing my husband's addiction / issues on myself instead of allowing him to take accountability for his self. And for my to have healthy boundries so I can be more loving and I can also do this out of kindness I have grown more in 3 months than ever in a while now and I think my husband's IA / SA for this. The past pain seems small to what I have learned about myself. This journey is about self growth for me and only then can I love myself and return love freely I hope my husband finds his way. I think the best I can do for him is ger my own recovery I cannot wait for him to get better before I help myself
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