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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2017 12:02:06 GMT -7
Thank you, Amy. I am trying to get a home equity loan so I can consolidate some debt and get some breathing room, but I'm not qualifying so far because of my student loan debt in relation to my income, although my credit is alright. I'm also trying to get a new job because I hate being self-employed, and frankly working at home is horrible given the lack of motivation I have for it plus what I have to do just to keep this place straight and presentable enough to bring clients over. Any pointers about getting a HELOC in my situation would be much appreciated.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2017 14:25:59 GMT -7
If you are having issues getting a heloc, have you thought about a debt relief program? I have done that before. They take over your credit card bills, loans, and bills in collection. They negotiate with the companies and get your rates adjusted. You pay them and they pay the companies. Good things about it are no loans, no bankruptcy and lower interest rates on your credit cards so they get paid off faster. Bad things are can't use you credit cards because they close the accounts, they generally charge a fee for the service.
It's tough to get a heloc. They only give them to people that don't need them. You need great credit and low debt to income ratio. Since the housing crash they are not as lenient.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2017 14:37:11 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2017 15:49:24 GMT -7
Thank you. I have done those debt relief programs before. I don't think it's quite what I'm going for right now, but it's a good suggestion. Thank you for it and the Forbes' article. I'm sure God will work that issue out for me. I did get some sleep since my last post, so I'm calmer now. It's tempting to get irritated at those who are telling me to see things from his perspective, in that he is going to these weekly sessions and early recovery isn't easy. I feel like I'm saying things Bill Cosby talked about in the 80s (go upstairs, get undressed, go into the bathroom, turn on the water, stand under the water, wash yourself, and use soap!). Like how obvious is it that when I said go to treatment, I also meant take it seriously and work your program. But,I guess he's learning to do things that are totally unfamiliar to him, and that relapses are to be expected. That said, this addiction is still not welcome in my home.
I do feel like I need to actually have a calm duscussion with him about it, and I need some space. I don't really know what that looks like right now. Im not in a place to make permanent in decisions about my marriage, but it can't go on like this.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2017 18:02:20 GMT -7
Take your time and get your thoughts in order. Be prayed up before you tackle talking to him.
If space right now means him sleeping in another room, then do it.
Hugs and prayers hon Amy
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2017 21:20:01 GMT -7
Oh man kelly... hang in their... i just wish this was easier on you.. its so not fair that this gets dumped on you and then you have to suffer financially.. thats adding insult to injury!... Grrrrrrr😠😠.... this is so frustrating.. i mean how much do our husbands think we can take! And then ti not let you rest.. when you can barely rest as it is!!!!! Their needs to be some sort of half way house for women who suffer with husbands with addiction.. somewhere we can land and rest and regroup our life so we can be happy again... I agree with Amy..he needs to learn to Adult better... Im so sorry kelly.. i am right now praying for you and everyone... God ... please help make this stop!!!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2017 9:29:58 GMT -7
Who else feels crazy in response to dealing with all of this? I'm struggling so much, and I can't think straight. Yesterday, I spent the whole day screaming at my husband and making him clean the house with me "mommy dearest style" because he left the kitchen a mess again. Part of me feels like my hurt and bad mood was justified because I've reached my limit and have asked him so many times to help ease my burden instead of adding to it to no avail. Another part of me is panicky and upset right now because we spent another weekend fighting and I vacillate between feeling cold and indifferent toward him and wanting everything to work out between us. Heavenly Father, comfort me and help me feel good and secure in your love and plan for me without needing my husband's comfort.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2017 10:06:56 GMT -7
Kelly your anger is normal. You are hurting because you are not being treated well. Your husband is "me centered" right now. The sin of sexual immorality causes the sinner to become selfish. I do not know your husband's heart so I cannot attest to whether or not he is sincerely trying to overcome this sin. If he is sincere in his efforts, then it is going to take awhile for him to unlearn that selfishness and start thinking of others.
I am praying for you both. Hugs and loves
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 20, 2017 10:24:22 GMT -7
Kelly, I still struggle with pain and anger and my husband is (from what I can see in the last two months) totally repentant. That crazy feeling is normal. I oscillate between those two feelings, sometimes at a moment's notice. I'm learning to manage those feelings and not take the anger out on my husband, which is REALLY HARD because he was an instrument of causing me pain. Little by little I've been accepting the hope of our future because I can now see how much God protected me in the past and how much He knows everything about me. Praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2017 21:23:45 GMT -7
Kelly, just today I asked one of my best friends if she thought I could be bi-polar. I can be so happy and carefree and out of nowhere, something will pop into my head and I become so angry that I want to take a ball bat to my husband and hurt him like he has hurt me. I have only been in this for a year, so I do not know if it goes away or not. I really wonder if I am going crazy. I behave in a way that was so foreign to me a year ago.
I think if my husband could at least pretend like his behavior is hurtful then I would not be so angry with him. I find myself having to go outside so that I will not say horrible things to him ... I take the trash out 30 times a day just to get some fresh air and cool off.
The worst for me is when I am working 12 hours a day and then coming home and working another 6 -7 while he sprawls on the couch with his phone. He told me last night that he was running low on jeans ... I took the trash out :-)
It is the roughest journey I have ever been on. I am thinking brighter days are ahead.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2017 7:06:38 GMT -7
Gracey tell your husband to go buy his own jeans... Holy moly...Then toss the trash on his head. Err...Just kidding about the trash part. lol
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2017 7:38:32 GMT -7
Thank you, ladies. Gracey, I can relate. Part of what I find so frustrating is the lack of consideration for my feelings. As if what I'm going through dealing with this while woring and taking care of my daughter, our house, and our pets is not enough pressure, he has to add to my burden instead of trying to ease it in any way. He should not only acknowledge the full extent of the pain he has caused me, but also be actively seeking ways to make my burden lighter. Instead, I carry the weight for both of us while he goofs off. Take Friday for example.
He spent all day lying around watching YouTube. Meanwhile, I had an appointment for an hour or so in the morning, and when I came home to finish working (since I work from home), I had to clean up the mess he left in the kitchen before taking the dog out and finishing the rest of my work. And Sunday, I lost it when I found the kitchen a mess again.
He sees me constantly cleaning up and even getting down on my hands and knees to do it, knows I'm trying to keep the house in good shape for clients who come here and an appraisal I'm going to need, and yet he finds nothing wrong with making more messes that I have to clean up while I'm doing a million other things and he goofs off. I've been trying not to let things like housework get to me, but it does, especially since he's been really irritable and yelling at me a lot on top of everything. At least he found Sunday frustrating enough to suggest couples counseling, which I'm totally agreed with.
I do feel like im going crazy because of all this, and I go back and forth over whether I overreacted on Sunday by going Joan Crawford on him and insisting we scrub the floor together, etc. It's good to know what emotions are normal and that I'm not alone. Sigh...praying for all you ladies as well.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2017 21:21:10 GMT -7
Have you thought about making a chore list for your family? Maybe if it's in writing what he needs to do for the day, he would do it.
I feel for you hon. Wish I could help. Hang on.
Hugs and prayers Amy
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2017 13:37:50 GMT -7
Thanks. I admit my reaction was overblown because of all that has transpired and is transpiring between us. That's why I feel crazy. I think I'm justified about some of it, and overreacting to other parts of it. Most of the time, I don't don't know what the heck to think. I feel the larger issue I'm upset about is feeling unloved, unappreciated, and even unnoticed by my husband who often yells at me, thereby adding fuel to the fire.
The good part that came out of all this is that HE suggested marriage counseling. I totally agree with that. In fact, I don't see how we'd ever keep our marriage on track on its current path, so I pray it works. I also think that I personally have my own addiction to the way I've mostly felt appreciated my whole life. I am working on getting that fulfillment from Jesus. Meanwhile, the way my husband relates to me is all the more painful because of my particular issues, which are probably why I picked him to begin with.
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 22, 2017 14:18:08 GMT -7
I get really gnarly with my husband, too, so you're not alone. My anger management has gotten better over these two months but I'm still a work in progress, as you are too . Our pastor is our marriage counselor and he's been really helpful in working with us to communicate more clearly. i hope who ever you choose to counsel you will be helpful in giving you good tools for better communication.
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