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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2017 8:01:25 GMT -7
Thank you, Amy. I appreciate your words of wisdom and your support. I can use all the support I can get right now. I am also praying for a good session tomorrow. I emailed our counselor about this last night so she's at least a little familiar with our situation before we go. Her reply was very empathic. She has a bad chest cold and many need to postpone our appointment, so I'm praying we can go to it too.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2017 18:07:39 GMT -7
Well, it was a good session, but a very emotional one for me. I so badly wanted to go home with my husband, but we both agreed that shouldn't happen for now. He appears to be gaining some insight into this, but there's still a lot he doesn't see, and he still blames me for some things. But the counselor handled it well. At one point she asked my husband if he considered what he's done to be cheating. He said, "we'll it's sin." She then explained to him why it is, in fact, cheating. The rest of the time was aimed at getting to know us and our backgrounds. We agreed to go back weekly. He and I talked afterwards, and I sobbed. This isn't my fault, but it's my fallout.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2017 18:45:39 GMT -7
Good for you kelly.. im so glad yoyr session went well...we gotta hang on to the progress.. Hugs..
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2017 23:36:48 GMT -7
This morning I knew in my heart my marriage was over. I went to work and threw myself into my job blocking out everything with my marriage. I stayed late. This evening I dreaded going home. I had been looking around for a place for me to live alone at and I had finally decided on a place that would suit me. I came home and sat out on the back porch. My husband came outside and on his own told me that he has been "clean" for 2 full months now. He told me that he repented by asking God for forgiveness and that he also has booked himself on a flight out of state to an in house christain sex addiction counseling center for intensive christain treatment / counseling. He also said he has been online using Chirstain sex addiction recovery tools such as this website and others reaching out for help and accountability. He told me he does not blame me for being angry due to his betrayal. He told me he wants us to stay together and that he is still seeking going through treatment for himself whether we stay together or not. I have not ever known my husband to be as meek and gentle speaking as he was tonight. He seemed like another person as he was speaking to me. He talked about prayer for the first time in 15 years. I am not getting happily excited over these words from him. Although he has not ever been humble ever before .... I will not get caught up in believing what he says to be true as far as what he is now doing.... I know better ..... except I do want to say this ..... inside of me I have had hurt removed ........not because I had to consciously think about not thinking about hurt ..... rather it was lifted on its own..... I beleive it is God removing a burden of hurt from me. I am not going to doubt nor am I going to just automatically beleive my husband. I am staying neutral.... I have been married for 15 years in a marriage without the love and nurturing that every wife needs..... it's hard to beleive much of anything at all from my husband.....the only one thing I beleive in is God and that God will always be there for me and God will always take care of me no matter what happens between my husband and I. The only thing I can think of with my marriage is time will tell. Time will tell. My husband had mentioned me going to the treatment with him for myself / couples counsel. However I want him to go alone..... this time of year is my busiest with my work and I already have been in weekly counseling alone since January with an SA wives Chirstain counselor AND a separate regular counselor plus I have been reading writing and getting into this SA for wives online group and using every tool available to me. I think him going alone will be very good for him and I hope he continues his positive journey. I will be ok .....this is not a destination ..... I will never arrive .....this is a journey. We will see what time holds I am going to continue my recovery journey.......This morning I had decided 100% to move out on my own..... I had a place to move to and I was 100% ready to go....I was SURE this morning that I no longer would live this way. I did not specifically tell my husband this .... that I had decided to go ..... I had found a place and was making plans to get moved .....now seems like out of the clear blue sky ....out of no where..... my husband for the first time ever in 15 yrs is humble.... talking about God .... talking about prayer..... talking about his online support and his upcoming Chirstain counseling treatment center stay...... wow! I am blown away! Time will tell..... time will tell. SA does not ever go away..... it's always there lurking .... ready to pounce..... I know it will never be "cured" however I do beleive it can stay in remission as long as the addict is vigilant and does the things he is suppose to do to stay "clean" and close to God. We will see.... I want my husband to grasp onto recovery for him..... not us...... Us would be icing on the cake. He needs recovery for himself. I want him to get better .... I want to get better.....
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2017 2:53:41 GMT -7
Well, it was a good session, but a very emotional one for me. I so badly wanted to go home with my husband, but we both agreed that shouldn't happen for now. He appears to be gaining some insight into this, but there's still a lot he doesn't see, and he still blames me for some things. But the counselor handled it well. At one point she asked my husband if he considered what he's done to be cheating. He said, "we'll it's sin." She then explained to him why it is, in fact, cheating. The rest of the time was aimed at getting to know us and our backgrounds. We agreed to go back weekly. He and I talked afterwards, and I sobbed. This isn't my fault, but it's my fallout. I am glad you found a good counselor. Crying is good. It let's the hurt out. Lean on God during those times hon. He will comfort you. Hugs, love and prayers sweet sister.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2017 3:04:38 GMT -7
This morning I knew in my heart my marriage was over. I went to work and threw myself into my job blocking out everything with my marriage. I stayed late. This evening I dreaded going home. I had been looking around for a place for me to live alone at and I had finally decided on a place that would suit me. I came home and sat out on the back porch. My husband came outside and on his own told me that he has been "clean" for 2 full months now. He told me that he repented by asking God for forgiveness and that he also has booked himself on a flight out of state to an in house christain sex addiction counseling center for intensive christain treatment / counseling. He also said he has been online using Chirstain sex addiction recovery tools such as this website and others reaching out for help and accountability. He told me he does not blame me for being angry due to his betrayal. He told me he wants us to stay together and that he is still seeking going through treatment for himself whether we stay together or not. I have not ever known my husband to be as meek and gentle speaking as he was tonight. He seemed like another person as he was speaking to me. He talked about prayer for the first time in 15 years. I am not getting happily excited over these words from him. Although he has not ever been humble ever before .... I will not get caught up in believing what he says to be true as far as what he is now doing.... I know better ..... except I do want to say this ..... inside of me I have had hurt removed ........not because I had to consciously think about not thinking about hurt ..... rather it was lifted on its own..... I beleive it is God removing a burden of hurt from me. I am not going to doubt nor am I going to just automatically beleive my husband. I am staying neutral.... I have been married for 15 years in a marriage without the love and nurturing that every wife needs..... it's hard to beleive much of anything at all from my husband.....the only one thing I beleive in is God and that God will always be there for me and God will always take care of me no matter what happens between my husband and I. The only thing I can think of with my marriage is time will tell. Time will tell. My husband had mentioned me going to the treatment with him for myself / couples counsel. However I want him to go alone..... this time of year is my busiest with my work and I already have been in weekly counseling alone since January with an SA wives Chirstain counselor AND a separate regular counselor plus I have been reading writing and getting into this SA for wives online group and using every tool available to me. I think him going alone will be very good for him and I hope he continues his positive journey. I will be ok .....this is not a destination ..... I will never arrive .....this is a journey. We will see what time holds I am going to continue my recovery journey.......This morning I had decided 100% to move out on my own..... I had a place to move to and I was 100% ready to go....I was SURE this morning that I no longer would live this way. I did not specifically tell my husband this .... that I had decided to go ..... I had found a place and was making plans to get moved .....now seems like out of the clear blue sky ....out of no where..... my husband for the first time ever in 15 yrs is humble.... talking about God .... talking about prayer..... talking about his online support and his upcoming Chirstain counseling treatment center stay...... wow! I am blown away! Time will tell..... time will tell. SA does not ever go away..... it's always there lurking .... ready to pounce..... I know it will never be "cured" however I do beleive it can stay in remission as long as the addict is vigilant and does the things he is suppose to do to stay "clean" and close to God. We will see.... I want my husband to grasp onto recovery for him..... not us...... Us would be icing on the cake. He needs recovery for himself. I want him to get better .... I want to get better..... Your husband does need to start his journey on his own. Leaning on you may very well stunt his growth. It will be good for him to go by himself. You are right about the addict needing to stay vigilant. I have been clean 9 years and still need to be careful what I let into my sight. I still have urges that I have to say no to. Your husband's journey will entail him learning to say no and gaining the strength to turn from the sin. The fact that you see this as something new is a turning point for him. Hugs hon. You are in for a fight because your husband has been convicted and Satan will use every dirty trick in his book to make your husband give up and go back to the sin.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2017 4:02:52 GMT -7
Wow.. goldie... WOW!!! praise the Lord... your right to still protect yourself.. devil is gonna fight him now..everywhere he turns the devil will temp him.. dear god please give him the strenght to fight... if God is with you no one is against you... Hang in their my friend.. Hugs...
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2017 4:28:39 GMT -7
You know, even though I'm in so much pain right now, I'm relieved by it because it lets me know I'm still human. There are times when I feel so numbed by all this, I wondered if I still had the ability to feel at all. And maybe it's also good for me because I need to let my heavenly Father love me and comfort me instead of a man.
When I got separated from my ex-husband (also an addict) over 5 years ago, I numbed that pain with the company of other men, none of whom were good for me. I've just been jumping from one frying pan to the next ever since. I guess I need some practice not being dependent on having my husband around.
Goldie, I think you're right on with your actions and instincts. My husband has told me some of the same things as yours when I didn't think he had it in him. That's why I stayed with him. It's why I married him less than 6 months ago in spite of knowing about this problem. I think some of the insight he has is genuine, but there is still much he doesn't know and needs to learn before I can consider living with again to be a good thing. God will surely have to do his work over time, and then reveal the results to us. Excruciating though it is, I put my marriage on the alter for God to have His way with it. Teach me what is right, father. Show me your will, and help me to follow it. Help to to be whole, and to lean on you for comfort. Lend me your strength, so that I will not be tricked by the Devil into continuing to condone or enable this sin. Love me, father. Be near to me.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2017 9:30:56 GMT -7
If I needed confirmation that this separation is the right thing (which I already know in spite of how much it hurts), I just got it. My mother-in-law just called me and told me how her son was wrong the other day, but I need to grow in the Lord too and think about how people should be more important to me than the condition of my house and how I need to watch my temper too because I "did strike" my husband the other day. Wow, I guess I'll start with what complete bull that is because I absolutely DID NOT even touch my husband during our fight on Tuesday. I yelled at him and threw his phone out the door locking it after him when he went outside to go get it, but I never laid even one finger on him. And now he's told his mother I did.
As for the condition of my house, I'm flabbergasted at how this has turned into a holy war about my husband's right to make messes he doesn't clean up. I'm even more astounded at how this has all become my mother-in-law's business and business she feels the need to call me up to comment on at a time like this. I'd feel a lot better if there were only 2 people in my marriage. Heck, I'd settle if she would empathize with my feelings at all after enduring a whole solid relationship filled with multiple instances of my husband being unfaithful to me or, failing that, not saying anything at all about it.
On top of that, my husband still insists that he never intended anything sexual to happen when he asked out that woman the other day, and I should not have badmouthed him to her. Mind you I did no such thing. I am aware that this is not her fault either, and I have not blamed her or even implied to anyone that it is. When I saw the text where he set her up with a free 2-week pass to his gym and then asked to work out with her and go bowling with him sometime soon, I simply texted her that I am not happy about my husband having done that and that she should not go with him. She was nice enough to apologize and say she had thought he meant for the 4 of us (husband, me, her, and her fiancé) to go together, then she assured me she would not be joining him. I told her thanks for her apology, which was nice but unnecessary since this is my husband's problem exclusively. Jeez! I think the Lord is confirming my feelings about this.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2017 7:59:39 GMT -7
Meddling in-laws can be such a huge problem. I think you need to address all this in your next counseling session. His lying to make himself less to blame in his mom's eyes and him needing to decide who he wants as his wife...You or his mom. She does need to mind her own business but he is the one that needs to tell her that.
Hugs hon.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2017 0:35:54 GMT -7
My Boundaries: has nothing to do with the other person and has everything to do with me. Boundaries are not for other people. Boundaries are for me. In every situation I ask myself "what is appropriate for me to do in this situation "? I find it easier to have pretty good boundaries with my co workers and friends, neighbors and aquantances. I also do well with my boundaries with my adult kids. I have learned the hard way what boundaries I practice with my mother, mother in law and husband. With my husband my boundaries have been the most difficult ( not because he "crossed my boundaries" rather because I crossed them myself. When thinking of boundaries I frame it like this .... to thy own self be true. Basically doing the next right thing for myself. There have been many occasions in which my mother in law has asked me personal questions about my marriage. Or wanted to discuss things about the kids. Before I knew what boundaries meant I told all. Then would usually state my veiw or stance on these things. What would follow would nearly destroy me. My mother in law would argue or question my personal choices on my personal situations. Then I would be "spun out" emotionally. Why? Was it because SHE crossed my boundaries? No. Because I crossed my boundaries. It's not being true to myself to discuss my personal situations with her. ( She had proven to be an unsafe person for me emotionally in the past. ). Now ( and for along time now ) when she asked personal questions I reply with " my marriage is not up for discussion ". This is being true to myself. This makes me feel good about myself because I am protecting my emotional well being from a person who is not trustworthy emotionally to me. Is this mean or rude to her? Nope not at all! It's not rude or mean at all. She may not care for my reply or choice however that's ok by me! I care more about my emotional well being than in people pleasing. I finally got to that place with my husband. With his addiction to porn. Now I practice my boundaries. Does he always like my replies or choices? Nope. But that's ok. Loving myself in healthy ways has been the number one factor in helping myself. Some days I love myself healthier than other days. I care for myself in the best ways I possibly can. I will never be perfect at it however I am a lot better than I was before. Maybe with your mother in law you can practice whatever boundaries care for you the most / best. Maybe it's saying to her "my marriage and my household is not up for discussion". Or " thank you for your concern however this is between my husband and I.". I don't know what's right for you as far as your boundaries, you'll figure it out though. If I can get better you can too! Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2017 6:17:48 GMT -7
Good suggestions. I had actually just decided to tell her things like that, but that's only from my side of things. I am not comfortable with how involved she is with other things that only my husband can extricate her from. Does he HAVE to do anything about that? No. But I don't have to be with him if he doesn't.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2017 20:00:40 GMT -7
I know what you mean about your husband I used to stay upset because he told her personal things about himself, me and our business. He would confide in her. Mainly it would be her wanting him to tell her things about us. Our marriage. She only could see that I sometimes would not be doing well emotionally and take it out on my husband making me look crazy in her eyes fueled by my husband. Little does she know the adultery that has taken place with my husband's porn use. I have no idea whether he still confides in her I also do not know what questions she asks him anymore because I have been doing all I can do to hang onto sanity my only concern from now on is myself
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2017 18:53:17 GMT -7
Ok my husband has been in an intensive treatment program out of state for SA now for a few days. He has called everyday and texted a few times. I replied to his texts however I only returned a couple calls and spoke to him only briefly. I want him to focus on himself and soak up every bit of what is available to him there. I want him to relax and get in touch with himself deep down and mainly with God and make connections to others who have the same addiction. My focus is on myself keeping close with God and mainly continuing my normal recovery rountine of reading, praying, talking to my spiritual advisor and attending my counselor appt. Plus I have my work, my home and my grandchildren to tend to and also my well being with healthy nutrition, activity, personal care and rest. I find that when I focus on me and my recovery and what I am suppose to do it leaves little time to worry about my husband and what he is suppose to do. I think I have a different take on this SA addiction than some others on here.... I truly beleive once I express to my husband the harm that this addiction has caused then it's his respondsablity to look into it and take care of himself concerning his addiction recovery or not. He gets to make his own choice. I get to make my own choice. I do not beleive it's my place to be calling his accountability partener or checking up on my husband. My strong belief is that I will see and experience a difference in everything with him if he is working his program and if he's not I won't. Same with me. I do not beleive it's my husband's place to help me work my program to heal from trauma and change my co dependent ways. He does not need to be hovering over me making sure I do my counseling Etc.... I want for him to see a difference in me and he will if I work my program. And I beleive Also the same goes for our marriage .... there will be a difference if we both do what we are suppose to do and put each other's needs before our own in healthy ways. I am neutral about him being better. Of course I want him to be and I want to be better too..... we are both "Sick". I am not going to go down the road of being overly elated nor am I going to be closed minded. I will do the next right thing ether way.... I have laid down my bottom line and I will follow through if things are not improved between us. If we are both caring for ourselves then improvement will be there. If we don't care for ourselves then there will be no improvement with us together So I am in a good place. Staying real. Staying steady and doing my part. It's not just him. I have a part to play too. I am to love him and stay faithful and clear my heart of anger and resentment and be open to new ways that are healthy. That's my position. I hope I can do my best and improve my outlook and grow as a person. It's a wonderful feeling to know that no matter what my husband's choices will be concerning his recovery that I will be ok ..... I have always known that all is well even in the midst of storms and life crisis .... this is spiritual wlfare and the more I know this and treat it as so the better off I will be. Satan will come hard at my husband the minute he walks out that treatment door.... my spiritual advisor already told me this.... so I will continue to pray for his spiritual protection. Satan will come hard at me too! He will attempt all kinds of tricks however it's up to me to see through these tricks and games Satan likes to use. Education and getting close to God, the holy spirit and his son and knowing about spiritual welfare is my greatest asset. Ladies listen up! WE have the power through God! God gave us power over Satan ! Use it to drive Saten out of your home and your mind and heart and stand strong !!!!! Your husband will have to make his own choices. Read Beth Moore's "When Godly people do ungodly things " book it gives instructions on what's going on and how to fight it.... follow it. Protect yourself and children and pray for your husband! Ask for God's will! Not every story ends well...... I don't know what the outcome of my story is however you will be ok no matter what happens. This is what you want right? To be ok no matter what? Don't depend on your husband to decide if your ok for yourself or not work hard to gain your own dignity and grace no matter what. Pray trust God and clean off yours side of things!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2017 8:01:21 GMT -7
I love that, Goldie! God bless you, my sweet sister. Your take on things looks perfect to me. I pray for God's strength and wisdom to get through this. So I am keeping pastors, counselors, and friends in the loop, and immersing myself in the Word. I keep telling my husband that, who is trying to manipulate me by telling me things like he doesn't want to come home anyway right now because I'm always angry with him and he's afraid I'll kick him out again. My reply is this. I have clearly and in writing explained my boundaries to him. They are consistent with God's Word. From there, it is my husband's choice to abide by them or not. This is his responsibility, not mine. If he chooses to violate these boundaries, he cannot live with me. Therefore, whether we live together or separately is up to him, not me. That may sound odd, but it's comforting to me.
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