KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 12, 2023 1:12:24 GMT -7
Taking 2 inches off my belly is a huge deal. That is a big difference. Being transformed. Working out. Transforming my body just like I'm called to transform my mind.
I'm choosing to focus all attention on rereading Jim Vander Spek's book, Overcoming Lust. Only then will I commit to rereading Discovering the mind of a women by Ken Nair. Each day I'm committing to memorize a scripture and meditating on it. I'm starting with the scripture memory challenges in the RU handbook.
Recovery is a term that has been commonly used in the 12 step community. I've used the term a lot myself. But Jim Vander Spek prefers to use the term transformation. And I believe that's more accurate for me. Being that I've let lust control me since I was a toddler, recovery is just an insufficient goal. I've never known a life without lust. Why would I consider recovering to any previous version of myself?
In his book, The Addictive Personality, Craig Nakken, describes that for some addicts, their journey is actually uncovering a new self that they've never experienced. Yeah, that's me. I'm not going to criticize others that use the term recovery, but it's a term that I'm going to avoid for myself. Transformation... That's what's describing my journey. That fits better. Sounds more like what I read in Scripture too.
Thankfully, by God’s grace, my story did not take a more sordid course. I never sunk into the mire of heavy pornography use, prostitution or adultery. Avoiding such pitfalls is a relief, but actually a very minimal, hollow achievement. Jim Vander Spek, Overcoming Lust, page 21.
When reading this, I'm reminded of how I put lots of effort in avoiding the behaviors. Yet, I put the main problem of my heart in the backseat. Jim described this achievement as hollow. I think God would agree. I've done all of these behaviors. Thinking that I needed to be like many men, those that can entertain lust without it leading to crossing the line to inappropriate activity. How many alcoholics have I heard wishing that they could drink responsibly? I wished the same thing with lust. I wished I could lust responsibly. God is not impressed with that. Vander Spek writes that in our culture, men believe that lust isn't something that we do, but instead, it happens to us. As if we have no control over our feelings and thoughts when attractive women come into our view. And while, many men can look at women without lusting, it took me a long time to embrace the fact that my flesh is not so cooperative. In a world that normalizes lust, God calls me to reject it. For we all now know where that leads me. I cannot manage my lust.
Today, I was working at a birthday party with an Indian family. The women are all dressed in their fine Indian garb. And what would happen if I chose not to show restraint with my eyes? I would lust. So although, it's inevitable that my flesh would be triggered every time another woman comes into view, I can still bounce my eyes and avoid gazing.
I now know how lust hurts me. For a long time, I felt that getting that illicit sexual buzz was something good. I considered it a sacrifice to live without it. But I was deluded and deceived. Lust steals from me. It takes away from my attraction to my wife which significantly impacts our sexual intimacy. It fails to fill a void and leaves me wanting more. A buddy from RU on Friday said that his desire for sobriety is a lot stronger than his desire to drink. I wish I could feel as strongly as he does. For me, I still have to continually remind myself of the truth that lust does not fulfill, but steals. For much of the day, my flesh wants to revert back to it's old ways.
That night, the RU leader mentioned a really good point. When we sin, we carry guilt. And the guilt continues to pile up on us as we continue in sin until it's dealt with. We deal with it by confessing it to God, forsaking our sin, and receiving forgiveness. Until then, the weight of guilt makes it noticably difficult to move around in life. It's a good idea to confess any sin that we commit to God as soon as we can; right away. So that the weight of our guilt won't impact us as much. Plus, by confessing right away, I'm less apt to continue in that sin and save me from a great disaster.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 20, 2023 5:14:23 GMT -7
I'm still going. This week, I've started working out with my free weights in my basement gym. I was concerned that my resistance bands were not going to hold up in the colder weather. So I've been getting up early to workout before work. It's a good spiritual time with God too. But I have to commit more to dwelling with Him as I'm working out. It's better that way, but sometimes I get distracted.
I'm noticing that the free weights are more effective. I've started to look at the sodium and protein content in my diet. I'm drinking protein shakes and my weight is at 178 lbs.
Watching my weight is about 5 times easier than demonstrating custody of my eyes and mind. But while it's easier for me, that does not minimize the struggle that others have with their own weight. I want to be compassionate towards them. I've appreciated it when others have had compassion for me and my struggles. I've also faced a lot of judgement. And I've found myself having some judgemental thoughts when I see overweight people. I don't want that to continue. I believe it's really hard for people to manage their eating habits just like it's been really hard for me to take custody of my eyes and mind. It's not as simple as keeping track of what you eat and stick to it. Like me, there are probably lots of roots and lies that need to be uncovered by the Lord. But God is bigger than all of this. In my flesh, I am weak. Walking in the spirit; abiding in Jesus, will go a long way.
I'm participating in the BG calls more. I have another newcomer that I've committed to connecting with several times a week while he participates in the newcomer's course. As I'm committing more time to this, I'm reminded that ministry is a blessing, not a burden. I'm being blessed in many ways; probably also in ways that I don't recognize. So I plan to continue to make myself available.
Jesus mentioned in the Bible that he had food that no one knew nothing about. He explained that His food was to do the will of the one who sent Him. To me, there's something about ministry and doing God's will, and service, that fills my soul.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 22, 2023 14:39:05 GMT -7
Today I didn't do a workout with free weights. So I opted to do a resistance band workout instead. Although the results are not as significant, it is faster and more fun.
I had to put a notch in my belt today. My pants were getting loose.
I read pages of Overcoming List and Recovery without Replace today. And I kept custody of my eyes. I automatically bounce them or keep women in my peripheral vision.
I'm tired. Going to take a nap.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 29, 2023 10:06:20 GMT -7
I ate so bad yesterday. After I got off the phone with a buddy, I went to the dollar store and bought myself a box of Goobers. Then I went to the jewel, and bought a pint of ice cream. I gobbled it up. I consumed almost 3,000 calories yesterday. I didn't work out.
I got up this morning. Instead of working out right away, I spent too much time playing some game on my phone. I've been playing that one too much. And I've paid the price. I really want to start my day off right. One good thing is my workout this morning was a really good one. Previous workouts weren't so good because I was giving myself too much rest in between sets. And thus my workouts wouldn't be as intense and they also lasted too long. This time, it was different. I sped through it. And my arms are showing soreness. That's what I'm talking about.
Today is a new day. I was on the BG rogue Christian called this morning. I have another call scheduled for later this afternoon. Trying to adjust my day so that I could still make money, but still be available for God to use me. There's something about doing God's work that fills my soul. That provides food, spiritual food.
I think that much of our lives consists of turning over to God those things that we hold on the hardest. In my case, it's porn and lust. For others, it could be food. Still others, alcohol or drugs. And for others, it could be relationships. God calls us to cast all of our cares upon Him. Things that we care about, our pursuit for happiness, needs to be surrendered to him. If I walk in my flesh, my flesh will leave me astray every time. It's demonstrated over the decades, that simply cannot be trusted. My goal today will be to truly abide in Christ. If I walk in the spirit, I won't gratify the deeds of the flesh.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 10, 2023 4:47:50 GMT -7
Last Friday, our RU leader discussed triggers. He discussed the ones commonly mentioned in the AA slogan HALT.
Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
I thought of other triggers that I could identify.
Certain people Certain places Certain things Worry/Anxiety Fear Frustration
Anger is one that I can relate to a lot. Thoughts of anger have been just as common for me as thoughts of lust. Many times, I have nothing to be angry about. I can simply fabricate a circumstance in my mind, and I'm heading down the anger alley which often leads to relapse with porn. Allen Carr mentions how addicts are guilty of creating reasons for anger in order to justify a relapse.
Well, I'm guilty of that too. Using anger to set myself up for relapse. I'm guilty of using a lot of things to set myself up.
Getting afraid when I face a trial. Worrying when things don't go as planned. Losing patience with my family. Driving through streets to check out street walkers. Viewing women parading themselves on shorts.
But the anger thing? I admit that I've often felt it was something that happened to me as opposed to something that I can maintain custody and self-control over. I've also felt the same way with lust. My anger and lust have gone hand in hand. One will often lead to the other. It's important that I see anger as a trigger. And it's important for me to see that I use anger and other triggers to springboard myself into relapse. My fantasies often start off with me dreaming of something bad happening to me making me sad and angry. And then the sex fantasy is used to make me feel better. Going from feeling bad to feeling good gave me a bigger hit.
I'm guilty of Pulling the Trigger. Sometimes, triggers are unavoidable. But I've deliberately sought them out to justify a relapse. It makes me wonder... How much of my anger is a result of my flesh's desire to lust? A lot.
I'm learning to simply take time to pray and reiterate how my life belongs to God. Jesus, You're in charge. I trust you. My anger is often unjustified. And my flesh is resisting Your dominion in my life. Thank you for revealing this to me. You are my master. If I don't serve you, my flesh will lead me back to my old master. Which is sin. Those are the choices I have. I no longer believe that I can avoid these pitfalls in the flesh. Only by making myself Your slave, Your doulos, will I be set free from my sin. You are a good master. You love me. Sin and the devil do not.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 25, 2023 6:52:13 GMT -7
Merry Christmas everyone.
Today, we plan to open gifts. I might do a few projects around the house. I might also go Doordashing later in the day before we have our Chinese Christmas dinner.
Anger is still dwelling inside me. It's too easy for me to build up rage inside. Most people would not see me as an angry person. I hide my anger. I don't often rage unless I think no one is looking. That's the NGS Nice Guy Syndrome in me. But anger is a prison. Just like lust, and fear, worry.
For much of my life, I didn't see these sins as prisons. Particularly with lust, I saw it as a paradise. I was duped. Sin is a prison. I've been it's slave. And Jesus' desire is to set me free.
In my RU meeting, their common goal is to replace their addictions with a relationship with Christ. Sounds a little cheesy. But I really don't have any fleshly weapon or worldly wisdom that will pull someone out of these prisons. Granted, having good tools help. That's God's grace. But ultimately, only by walking in the Spirit will I really be victorious over my sin.
When I'm raging inside, I'm reminded that I'm walking in my flesh; that my focus is on the things of the world. It's time to turn and connect. Have a great day everyone.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 18, 2024 12:14:31 GMT -7
It's been awhile. Today is one of those days of gratitude. I'm feeling grateful for God's grace and continued presence in my life. While I was sinning, Christ was always there, consistently drawing me to more understanding, wisdom, and healing.
My addiction to porn is a symptom of a symptom.
My behavior is a symptom of uncontrolled eyes and free-racing mind; my lust. And my lust is a symptom of deep destructive roots and lies that I've held on to. Things like my toxic shame, the lack of understanding of the importance of masculinity and feminity in relationships, the abnormal amount of value that I was placing on lust, and my broken relationship with God.
It would be proven impossible to break free from lust, and thus porn, unless I dealt with these other deep-seated problems in myself. Such problems that not only manifested themselves in my sinful addiction, but in every area of my life.
To be continued...
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 21, 2024 6:55:49 GMT -7
Without God's help in exposing and dealing with these major roots; the real problems, the symptoms were destined to continue.
I tried to identify and stop my porn use. The attempts were futile. And God knew that. It was His giving grace, providing me wisdom to reveal those inner root problems that made it possible to find freedom. God really wanted to make it easier on me. Clean my inside, Heal me inside, so that my outside would be clean also. It took His help, but it was way easier than to clean up my outside hoping that some of that cleanliness might run off on the inside.
It helps me to have a lot more compassion towards myself and others. Because when struggling with sin, it's usually not helpful to see the behavior as the problem, it's often a symptom of a deeper rooted problem. One of those problems being a broken relationship with God. But for me, that was just one of the major problems.
I'm learning to practice God's presence in all things. I've failed to do that most of my life. Instead of looking for opportunities to see God's hand at work, I've often complained and got angry when things didn't go my way. I'm going to do a lot less complaining and a lot more praising and thanking God. Because that's faith. Trusting God that He cares for me. God doesn't make evil. He is good. But He does work all things for good for those who love Him.
I desire to seek a more Heavenly Spiritual outlook on life. When a problem occurs in life, the world wants to complain, get angry because things aren't going the way we want to. That's the way of the world. But I often don't know if something that's happening is really good or bad. Because I'm thinking in the flesh. I'm not getting my way. At those times, I cannot say that Jesus is my Lord. Does not the Bible say to count it as joy when I face trials. Knowing that the trying of my faith produces patience? And that this patience works to perfect me? That's a huge blessing and something to be joyful about.
When I was relapsing all these years, God was there.
When we lost a baby in 2009, God was there.
When my wife lost a brother to a work-related accident, God was there.
When the COVID pandemic hit turning our business upside down, God was there.
God was there. That's a fact. I can choose to acknowledge that and see how amazing He's working. Or I can choose to whine and complain because things aren't going the way I want them to.
Who's in charge? Kevin or God?
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 22, 2024 8:23:50 GMT -7
My daughter struggles with toxic shame. And some of the ways this shame manifests itself is by yelling loud when she doesn't feel heard or if people don't respond in the way that she wants. She also shame dumps; pointing the finger at others reminding them of their insufficiencies when someone addresses her behavior.
Now, I could focus on these behaviors, which we did. Trying to get her to stop yelling or deflecting. But that's a futile process. That attempt is destined to fail because I'm not addressing her root problem; her toxic shame. When we stop focusing on the symptoms, and start focusing on the root problems, that gives a better result. My wife and I recognize that our daughter struggles with toxic shame and we choose to take steps to encourage her to demonstrate that she is a person of value. She's been a lot more receptive.
That goes for me too. Healing from shame is a necessity in order to break free from it's symptoms; lust and porn. Another root problem is my broken relationship with God. To relieve my symptoms in the flesh is a futile process. It's destined for failure. By choosing to change my ways, to stop living on my own, doing what I want, but instead, aligning my life according to God's will, having faith, trusting that He cares and that His plan is good.
Then I have a much better chance of success.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 22, 2024 9:33:43 GMT -7
Sexual intimacy.
I hear a lot of men share in the sexual addiction community. No fap, BG. My wife doesn't want to have sex with me. It's such a common problem. I myself have faced the same thing in previous relationships.
So you know what I did? In my relationship with my wife, I admit that I was not desiring to have sex with her. I'm not 100% certain, but I believe that in my case it was an attempt to control. Because in previous relationships, women stopped desiring sex with me. So I was subconsciously preparing myself for the time when my wife would also stop desiring sex with me. So I'm going to withhold sex from her BEFORE she withholds sex from me. I know it's wrong. And selfish. And it's also destructive to the relationship. And it's also keeping me from enjoying something that I really want.
I'm also learning that loss of sexual interest is not the actual problem. It's a symptom. It's actually a symptom of a symptom... Of a deeper rooted problem or problems. I've been focusing way too much on symptoms.
Knowing that such symptoms results from deeper rooted problems, I feel less fear of loss of sexual intimacy in my marriage.
By the way, people and counselors give really bad advice to men or women that are in sexually frustrating marriages. Oftentimes, they don't get past the symptoms. Most are not even aware of any deeper problems. I know one problem in particular, the lack of polarization between masculinity and femininity in relationships. It's a serious problem, a deep rooted one, and a relationship killer. When a man is emasculated in a relationship. Not only is the man feeling resentment, but the woman is no longer attracted to him. Woman are attracted to masculinity in men. They admire their strength confidence and ambition. Men are attracted to femininity in women. In this new world order of relationships. Masculinity and femininity have been opposed and confused. And people don't give much importance to them. Mark my words. The lack of polarization between masculinity and femininity it's a far serious bigger problem then someone not having sex in the bedroom, or someone acting out with an affair, which are just symptoms.
My wife and I have sex about 2 to 3 times a month. And that's on a good month. I would like to at least double that. So far, we were intimate twice this week. That's good for me and for her and the relationship. I like the fact that we still embrace one another's differences. I embrace her femininity while at the same time developing my own masculinity. And she does the same for herself. That helps.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 24, 2024 6:03:08 GMT -7
I remember Dr. Mark Lassar saying,
Fantasy is a window to the wound. Instead of just stopping it, think about what do I really need?
I heard this 30 years ago, and I finally just got it. I understand now.
What he really means is that my fantasy and lust are symptoms of a more serious rooted problem. I could continue to focus on the symptoms, which is like trying keep up with filling the holes of a leaking dyke. Or I could also expose and address the real root problem or problems. Actually, I should focus on both. Because continuing in fantasy reinforces the root problem. Problems such as toxic shame or a broken relationship with God. Treating symptoms without paying attention to the root problem is a futile process. It's destined to fail.
Both the husband and wife put way too much focus on the symptoms. He never recovers, and neither does she. In order to truly recover, both the husband and wife need to identify their own root problems. It's not going to work to solely focus on the other partner's problems. It's okay to be aware of the spouses problems. Just don't be so distracted by them to the point that you're not paying attention to your own.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 27, 2024 20:39:57 GMT -7
Today was a good day. I worked with my wife at a birthday party. Then we ate together at a restaurant.
I was at a good place in my heart. Lust was not overtaking me today.
I remember the days when I couldn't take custody of my eyes. In those days, I would have looked at, and lusted after many women.
I was out of control. Lust wasn't just something that I did. I felt like lust was unavoidable. For it was.
Looking back, my relapses were inevitable. Because exposing and dealing with the real underlying root problems within me was going to take time. It was not instantaneous. Nor did going to a 12 step group, having a sponsor, and getting into therapy automatically address all of my root problems. I'm not saying they weren't helpful, because they were. They did much to reveal and address some of my root problems. But in my case, I just needed more. That's the best way I can say it.
When I meet a new addict, I have compassion for their struggle. I know that this is more than just stopping the behaviors, which are just symptoms of the inner root problems. And until they reveal and get significant healing in all of their root problems, I would not expect instant sobriety from day one.
But I also wouldn't expect spouses of porn addicts to understand. In this world, there is no compassion, understanding, or grace given to those that fail to master their sexual urges. I won't expect their existing marriages to survive the long and grueling process of weaving through the path of healing inner root problems. Sexual infidelity is treason of the highest degree. I guess that's a part of consequences. When our sin becomes fully grown into such lust- filled behavior, death is right around the corner. Death could mean loss of a marriage, financial ruin, jail time, getting an STD, etc. That's consequences.
I am blessed to have kept my marriage with Iris intact; but I believe that it was close to destruction. But previous relationships didn't have a chance. I failed to uncover some root problems of mine until well into my marriage with Iris. But I honestly cannot say it was do to lack of trying.
And there will be times when a PA will enter this process of recovery (or transformation), and the process will take time; much more time than the spouse will want to give. Her life is important to her too, and it would be too difficult to bear the brunt of his relapsing behavior. I want to provide hope, but from my observation and personal experience, I do not have a solution to completely stop relapsing the moment one enters this process of recovery.
There is a belief out there that if one does all the right things from the start,
If he gets into a support group... If he gets a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist... If he gets a sponsor... If he makes good boundaries... If he does all the right things and is serious about his recovery, then...
He will never relapse again.
It's bull crap. It is. Maybe true if the addiction didn't start so early. I've seen people do this, but not often. I've seen it more with addiction to other substances like alcohol.
But it is possible to recover. Or in my case, transform. For why would I ever want to recover to any former version of myself? It's just going to take time along with work to uncover and deal with all the major root problems within us. For me, coming out of this process, now feeling quite a master of my sexual urges, the rewards are priceless. Old relationships lost make way for new relationships where we have a better chance with our new transformed selves.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 17, 2024 16:13:27 GMT -7
My toxicity level has been around 5 today. Yesterday, it was at 3. But Thursday, it was at 5 again. It's all from my fantasy. This is the highest my toxicity level has been since the beginning of the new year. I'm a little concerned, but I know that it's not too late to turn things around.
I'm repenting. I'm choosing to stop living in my own head and keep my thoughts on God. My flesh is weak. My spirit is ready. It's really not much more complicated than that. I feel that God has done everything to show my flesh that lust does me no good. And I am blessed with a different mindset of how I want to live. Yet my flesh is still weak. The most important foundational pillar of my path, my broken relationship with God, is also the one that I'm struggling with the most.
I've been reading my Bible, praying like most Christians I see around me. But most Christians I observe are very carnal. And I'm not an exception. Too much of my day is focused on what I want. When I'm in the flesh, I have no control of my mind. I quickly entertain thoughts of anger. Or daydream about being famous, or meeting someone new and starting a romance. And thoughts of sexual fantasy. I want to change.
God, thank you for your love. Thank you for removing my sin. I am clean by your son's blood. And I know that you want me to be free. Free from anger and free from lust. They are prisons. But the Word says that your yoke is easy. I am ready to be your slave, and also your son.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
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Post by Will on Mar 8, 2024 22:57:07 GMT -7
Hi Kevin! Ha ha I like this: "Too much of my day is focused on what I want. When I'm in the flesh, I have no control of my mind. I quickly entertain thoughts of anger. Or daydream about being famous, or meeting someone new and starting a romance. And thoughts of sexual fantasy. I want to change." You're not the only one! Am blessed that usually now I can 'take ownership' if my mind goes into a sexual fantasy, and basically 'turn it off'. But the worldly thing, yep totally. Am trying to save money and be a reliable steward of it (I've always pretty much been poor), and of course trying to learn how to be more profitable is pretty worldly also!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 11, 2024 7:22:05 GMT -7
Looking forward to a good week today. Hoping that it's better than last week. My thoughts were all over the place, and yet, when they went to lust, I stopped myself. And sometimes, I connected with God, But God wants me to continually abide in Him. I can admit that there is room for me to grow in that area. My poor eating habits are catching up to me again. My belly shows. That tells me that God still has more work to do within me. I have some good days of eating, but most are not. I haven't fully accepted that I cannot eat as much as I used to. On a good note. In the area of lust, I couldn't be more content with the path that God put me on. A lust-free life is a great life. Sexual intimacy is still very strong with my wife. And I'm happy. I continue to stay connected with my Friday group and now Ɖσмιиιc and I have committed to being part of a Tuesday group. And I've been calling several brothers throughout the week to offer my experience and encouragement. Aligning my life according to God's will. That fills my soul in a way that things of the world do not. That is my food; to do the will of God.
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