KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Aug 12, 2023 11:42:15 GMT -7
Mentally aimless. Yes, I'll go with that one. Because it wasn't boredom. And me using stress as a trigger is in violation of Easy Way. For I know and understand and porn doesn't cure stress, but creates it. By not paying attention to God throughout my day, my mind wanders. It's what happens. Despite all that I know, I understand that I cannot do this myself. Myself leads me into trouble every time. So the learning experience for me is to make God a serious priority in my life. I mean, if He's my God, then I should serve Him. Tools. There were some tools that come to my mind now that we're extremely helpful. My toxicity meter and Covenant Eyes. I can see how God used those tools to reveal what I was doing and lead me back to repentance. And do something that I've failed to do in the past. And that is to spot a relapse before I pick up my DOC. I'll admit that in the midst, I felt a bit unstable in my recovery. But some of these tools that God showed to me really did their job. In my Blazing Grace leader's meeting last Thursday, one of the members said something very wise. She said that all this shows that I'm growing. She's right. Thanks SandyJWE. For many years, I would have been very unaware that I was heading straight towards a relapse. Relapse definitely starts well before I pick up. That cannot be more true when it comes to sex and porn addiction. I cannot claim perfection, but I certainly can claim progress. In a short while, my timer will read 309 days porn and MB free. I'm going to take it. And I do believe that God provided intervention in some way to keep me from getting burned this time because otherwise, I could have indeed relapsed. So here's to acknowledging that God, at times, is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. And today, I'm having a level 4 day. And that's real good. I'll take level 4's any day. I'm learning to pay more attention to God and His will. It's better this way. Thanks everyone
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Aug 14, 2023 5:37:43 GMT -7
Day 310.
Level 5 day yesterday. I wasn't respecting my boundaries while on our gig. I stared at a few women dressed in revealing clothes. I want to be better. Last night, I entertained a fantasy before going to sleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night. Took a shower, changed clothes and prayed. Up until after 4am. Meditated on my desire to walk closer with God. If my mind is on Him and His will, my flesh won't take over. My flesh fails. My mind thinks evil. Not just sexual stuff, but also anger, worry, taking God's name in vain. I've failed at doing all of this in the flesh. It's time to practice walking in the spirit again.
So today, I read the Bible. I've not been disciplined in this area. Thinking that the first Christians didn't have Bibles, why should it be that important? And so I take this great gift for granted. Why wouldn't I take advantage of it. Why would I tune out one of the biggest opportunities for God to speak to me? I'm in first Corinthians. Choosing to memorize and meditate on chapter 13, the love chapter.
I know that by continually walking in the spirit, my toxicity level will be 4 or less. Toxicity levels of 5 or more simply prove that I've been walking in the flesh. It's that plain and simple.
Sobriety is wonderful
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Aug 27, 2023 7:59:38 GMT -7
It's day 323 for me. I am healing.
But I've been in a somber mood this week. I couldn't explain it well at the Thursday BG meeting. But I think I figured out why.
I've been reading Paid For by Rachel Moran. It's an autobiography on her experience as a prostitute for several years. How she got into it, all the fallacies and lies that are propagated, how she got out, what it's done to her.
Her book is very honest and thorough. I'm only halfway through and I'm experiencing guilt. I admit that I've entertained an overly glamorous idea of prostitution. I know that they didn't like their job, but I still didn't understand the level in which prostitutes are unhappy. I entertained the idea that when seeing them that there was some agreeable exchange. While they provided me sex, I gave them money. I assumed it was a mutually satisfying agreement. In reality, I was taking advantage of their desperate state so that I can use them as a sex recepticle. They have little choice since they are acting solely on necessity and desperation. I've paid them so that I can sexually abuse them however I please. It's rape damage that's being done to them.
I am healing. I'm also feeling the guilt. Because her book is so thorough. I started reading it several weeks ago, but put it down because I was escaping the challenge of the lie that I was still believing. The lie that buying sex had it's advantages. That there is still some good in it. And that many times during my recovery, I entertained the idea that it was still a possibility somewhere down the road in my life. To be able to taste many different women as if they were items to choose in a candy store. Yet while ignoring the fact that I was stripping them of their own humanity. Facing the truth that it's not an option for me pay for sex. It's not an option for me to consider any sex outside of a relationship that involves love and trust and commitment. That is reality. And if I cannot accept sex along with relationship, marriage, family, children, responsibility as a whole package deal, then I have no business getting involved with any of it. I'd be better off and more content just being alone.
In my Friday meeting, I hear many men share about their love for their kids. They'll do anything for them. And although I know that I love my family, my wife and my kids. It's a different kind of love. It's one based on a decision. I choose to love them. I choose to lay down my life for them. That's the only kind of love I'm able to give. Love is a very confusing emotion for me. I don't have any intense emotional feelings for any of my kids. Whatever it is that others are feeling for their kids, I'm not getting it. Sorry, I can't help how I feel. And Rachel Moran talks about this in her book. How the users of prostitutes are not only stripping away from the woman's humanity, but also their own. And I wonder how much of my sex addiction has played a role in my inability to feel emotions towards others. You can take away every relationship in my life, my wife, my family, my friends, my children. If they were all taken away from me, I wouldn't feel anything. I might even be relieved to finally have my life to my own self again like I did when I walked out on my ex. Taking away the porn and the lust and the fantasy doesn't bring any of those emotions to life. I don't think I'll ever feel them. I don't think I even want to feel them.
Sobriety is wonderful. I am healing. I am growing. Yet underneath all this healing and growth is a discovery of more brokenness and knowledge that much of this brokenness will linger along with me for the rest of my living days.
My toxicity level is at 4. All week. I'm in a good place. And I know God is working inside me. Sometimes, I don't feel His presence near. But I know it is. I know that He forgives me of the sins of my past. I know that he would want me to forgive myself. So I do.
I am healing.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Sept 21, 2023 5:07:37 GMT -7
How is everyone doing? I've not been posting in awhile. Up and down over the past few weeks. Today has been an up day. Up day all week. Toxicity level 4. Spending less time reading. More time working out. So I haven't finished Rachel Moran's book. It was triggering me. I want to finish it, but I don't want to be triggered. I often have dead moments when I'm driving on my daily food delivery job. So usually, I've been reading a lot. But lately, I've been using the time to workout. Working out at work. Anyways, I've been frustrated with not meeting that desire for many years. My belly has grown over the years and I've become very weak and out of shape. I have my own gym at home, but I work really long hours to meet our financial needs. Working out at home has never been easy or practical timewise. Along looking for solutions to find a workout solution that's portable, I discovered resistance bands. So for the past month, I've been working out with them several days a week. Today is leg day. I'm really excited about this. I'm definitely seeing results. I've also been reminded of my constant brokenness of my flesh. My eyes continually want to lust. And that lust is an expression of the desire to actually commit adultery. That's what Jesus said. It's adultery in the heart. Fornication such a destructive act. Exposing oneself to STI's. As an addict, I never think of those consequences. But normal people do. Having sex with strangers is gross. Learning this truth, I am desiring to avoid opening any door that jeopardizes the relationship I have with my wife. That's what healthy people. Only for me, it won't be done with my flesh. God is going to do it. I've had to step out of the way a bit to let God do what He does. How important it is to abide with Jesus; continually. My flesh fails. Anyways, times with the Lord are getting better. And I will continue to grow in that. Planning to be on the BG leaders call today, then off to work. Have a blessed day everyone.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Oct 4, 2023 5:11:19 GMT -7
Looking forward to today. I've already set myself up for 2 catering deliveries this morning.
Being Wednesday, today is arm day. So I'm focusing on working out my arms for the day. The loop resistance bands are functioning well as a workout during the day. Last Sunday, I actually cleaned out my workout room and did some leg squats and leg curls with my free weights. That's the first time in a year that I've touched them. And my legs are still sore. I did some squats with the loop bands yesterday, but my legs are still so sore that they need more rest. Muscles don't get bigger when you're working out. They get bigger when you're resting. So no leg day tomorrow.
I'm gaining significant muscle mass. But it's not yet to where I was before. I still have my belly fat. That will take awhile. It's often the last thing to go. My eating habits are improving. But I still eat bad at times. Like yesterday. I was guilty of eating McDonald's and nutty bars and chocolate covered peanuts, and RC cola. I do all this work to try to better myself, and then reverse all that hard work with stuff like that. They say that sugar is 8 times more addictive than cocaine. I don't believe that. If I can eliminate the porn from my life, well, sugar and fast food should be a piece of cake. But it's time to put my money where my mouth is.
My scripture focus today will be on Psalm 1, the six verse chapter. I memorized the chapter a long time ago at RU. I will be jogging my memory as I meditate on it today.
I'll be coming up on my one year anniversary porn free in a few days. I'm not cured of all my messed up self yet, but I've learned some things that the Lord taught me.
Porn and lust are frustration. It's me desiring something that I literally cannot have. ever. So why do I desire to put myself in a state of frustration and deprivation by lusting. Lust, porn don't make me feel good. It makes me feel bad. After a session, I'm reminded of the fact that I'm not getting what my flesh desires. If I can't touch it, why do I want it?
Porn creates this alternative false reality that women desire casual sex, which they never do. Women are hopelessly, naturally, intrinsically monogamous. They like sex, but only with their loved one. Anything else is not sex to them. It's perversion. That's how God designed them. And in order to actually get a woman to desire sex with you, she needs to receive relationship in return. Are there exceptions? Yes. But not usually. And it's not wise for me to assume that any woman in sight is up for a casual hookup. That's where lust is worthless. And if I cannot look without lusting, then I'm better off not looking.
Off to work. Have a blessed day everyone.
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Post by savedbygrace on Oct 6, 2023 7:44:08 GMT -7
Psalm 1:6 - Wow, what a contrast!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Oct 19, 2023 5:27:22 GMT -7
Today after the meeting, I've got to stay at home to replace tires. I'm driving on my spare. Last night, I run over something and my tire went flat.
Also, I have to mow the lawn and replace 2 tires on my wife's car.
My finances are looking really bad. I'm working constantly trying to keep up. And I'm accepting that God has some sort of learning experience about all of this.
Talking with a fellow accountability person over the phone, he shares that he doesn't suffer from relapse. His view is that for those that still suffer from relapse, simply not handed everything over to God.
It's as simple as that. For myself, I wanted to hand over to God my garbage; this addiction, my problems, my worries. But other things, I wanted to treasure and hang on to. Things such as my dreams, lust, anger, pride. God wants it all from me. It's not enough to make a bunch of sacrifices hoping that it will constitute as obedience.
If I don't stop being double-minded than I'm not to expect anything from God. ( book of James). Hello wasn't lying. I'll be saved, but I won't be changed. So my friend is right.
We come here trying to stop our porn. But the only solution is clear. Surrender everything to God. Our pride, our thoughts, our dreams, our will. Those that do it tend to do great things through the Lord. Those that don't tend to struggle all of their lives.
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Post by iamfree on Oct 20, 2023 5:31:31 GMT -7
Today after the meeting, I've got to stay at home to replace tires. I'm driving on my spare. Last night, I run over something and my tire went flat. Also, I have to mow the lawn and replace 2 tires on my wife's car. My finances are looking really bad. I'm working constantly trying to keep up. And I'm accepting that God has some sort of learning experience about all of this. Talking with a fellow accountability person over the phone, he shares that he doesn't suffer from relapse. His view is that for those that still suffer from relapse, simply not handed everything over to God. It's as simple as that. For myself, I wanted to hand over to God my garbage; this addiction, my problems, my worries. But other things, I wanted to treasure and hang on to. Things such as my dreams, lust, anger, pride. God wants it all from me. It's not enough to make a bunch of sacrifices hoping that it will constitute as obedience. If I don't stop being double-minded than I'm not to expect anything from God. ( book of James). Hello wasn't lying. I'll be saved, but I won't be changed. So my friend is right. We come here trying to stop our porn. But the only solution is clear. Surrender everything to God. Our pride, our thoughts, our dreams, our will. Those that do it tend to do great things through the Lord. Those that don't tend to struggle all of their lives. Amen!! I totally agree. It’s about surrender!!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Oct 21, 2023 6:16:17 GMT -7
I'm keeping track of what I eat now. Over the years, I've shown no restraint when it comes to what I allow myself to eat. I've put on a belly, and I consider myself fortunate that it didn't get worse than that.
The Bible teaches me to have temperance and self-control; eliminating this self-indulgence of mine. That's the lesson. If I cannot be obedient to God in this little thing (what I allow myself to eat), then it will affect all areas of my life. The same goes with what I choose to pass my time. Do I commit time to the Lord? Or do I pass the time with entertainment such as music, videos, games. Small compromises in my life can and will lead to great disasters. God wants me to see the importance of surrendering all of me to His will. Wandering aimlessly doing whatever I please is the way of the world.
Anyways, yesterday was a good day in the arena of food. I have eaten a lot of junk food in my life. This process is going to have it's challenges. My family is concerned about my belly. And I don't like it myself. It's just going to take many weeks of discipline in my eating habits to notice any significant change. I hoped that I wouldn't have to make such changes. I hoped that the weight would come off naturally. I've always had a high metabolism until I turned 40. Now I'm seeing how my lack of discipline is affecting me.
My working out is improving. I have less problems with my back and knees since then.
I honestly wish that my church didn't drop out of Reformers Unanimous and start their own program. I understand why they made that decision, but the material with RU is so good, and this new program doesn't compare.
So I've been working on the material on my own. And it's been a blessing. There are still hundreds of RU chapters still around. Maybe someday, I'll get to find one.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Oct 22, 2023 17:27:30 GMT -7
As I've been logging what I eat in an app, I'm realizing more and more how bad my eating habits were. I really didn't see how unhealthy I was until I decided to keep track. To be honest, unless I decided to plan better, I had no chance. I would have kept getting fatter and fatter. Because my flesh wants to keep eating. But I now know that if I do, I'll just gain more weight. I made the mistake that my body will just burn away all the calories that I eat. Thinking that the more I eat, the more my body will burn.
God doesn't want me to live in such an undisciplined, self-indulgent way. That doesn't go for just my eating habits or my porn use, but for every area of my life.
Yesterday was our 17 year anniversary. And we didn't do anything to celebrate it. Being a Saturday, we worked 2 parties. I took her out to a nice breakfast this morning. Then we had another party today. Now, we were so tired, we took a nap together. And she's still sleeping. But I wanted to do some things this week to show that I appreciate her. I've been a bit distant from her lately; from everyone actually. Notice my lack of posting. Anyways, I want to improve on that. God desires me to strengthen my relationships. And it starts with my relationship with God. Followed by my relationship with my wife.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 1, 2023 4:26:37 GMT -7
43 inches. That's how big my belly is. Wow. I cannot fathom how I let myself go undisciplined for so long. That's obesity. I'm 187 lbs. And all the fat is in my belly.
I don't know how stubborn this fat is going to be, but I need to do a lot better at eating right and exercising. So that's what's going to happen.
It's getting colder outside. And I thought about the idea of exercising with my resistance bands in the winter. But feeling how cold it was yesterday made me rethink that idea. I don't think stretching rubber bands in freezing cold is going to help them last. They're not cheap. So I think I'll be working with the free weights this winter. And I think I'll be focusing more on my legs and abs. Prioritizing them before I move to my torso and chest.
And cut out all sweets and fast food. This has got to stop. 43 inches is crazy big for me. I'm not judging those that are bigger. It's just that if I don't make some drastic changes now, my life will be shortened.
On another note, a lust free life is a joyous one. To lust after someone that I cannot have is frustrating and puts me in a state of deprivation. That's makes living in the flesh a path to misery. In the flesh, my soul gets hungry. In Proverbs, it states that a full soul loathes a honeycomb, but to the hungry soul, every bitter thing is sweet.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 4, 2023 4:48:29 GMT -7
I weighed myself a few days ago and my weight was 184 lbs with a belly of 42 inches.
I expect my measurements to fluctuate a bit throughout the week. But I am noticing that I'm eating way less. It looks like it will make a difference. I think my diet is working. I'll know more over the next few weeks.
Managing what I eat falls into the category of self control. A fruit of the spirit. God calls me to practice self control in all the areas of my life. If I cannot practice that with my eating habits, what makes me think I can practice self control in the area of lust?
My toxicity level usually remains around level 3 now. I automatically do not allow my thoughts to dwell on my DOC. And I can be aware of women that are beautiful, but I still don't give myself permission to look. Lust and coveting something that I cannot have puts me in a state of deprivation. I'm depriving myself more when I do look than when I don't. This significant practice has been very effective in reducing my cravings to act out.
Yesterday, my wife had to rescue me. I put on some license plate lights on my car a month ago. And the lights shorted out my rear lights. My wife drove over in her car to take me to the store to get some bulbs. But that didn't work when I put them in. She followed me closely home because it was dark. Later I found the fuse that was blown, but it did test my patience.
This week, my daughter lost my wife's car keys in the house. It's been a couple days, but they still haven't been found. To replace all those keys would be a lot of money. So it's testing my patience. I'm reminded that God uses those things to try out faith and work patience. So that I can be perfect and complete; lacking nothing.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 4, 2023 5:00:42 GMT -7
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 9, 2023 12:23:31 GMT -7
Just got done with the blazing grace men's call. And to make myself available for the Lord work in me and through me is a blessing. Currently, this forum is a little slow. But that doesn't mean that God isn't using BG in a great way.
There's a few men that have recently or are currently attending the beginners class. Looking for guidance, they're posting on the WhatsApp group and getting on the calls.
This call was at 12:00 p.m. Central Time. Every Thursday. It's a men's only call. There is a coed call today as well at 1:30 p.m. I don't know the exact link. But I'm looking to find that out.
If any of you reading this wants to open yourself to availing yourself of these calls weekly, just ask, and I can help point you in the right direction.
My flesh wants to stray of me away from this new set of responsibilities. But doing God's work is a blessing. It's good for my soul. Sometimes it's just what it needs.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 10, 2023 8:55:52 GMT -7
Well one good thing happened. I did successfully repair my brakes that were damaged. I did it yesterday morning. Took me longer than I wanted to. But my car works great. Now I have to change brakes on my wife's car. Her rear brakes started squealing this week.
My weight has gone down to under 180 lb. So whatever it is I'm doing, it's working. I've just been counting my calories using a weight loss app. But my belly is still 41.5 inches. It's not surprising that it's going to be very stubborn. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. I'm setting a new goal of 170 lb. Plus I'm going to definitely prioritize my workouts. If I'm going to lose weight, it's going to have to be in fat, not muscle.
The Lord is good. Today I want to focus my attention on him and what he wants for me
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