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Post by savedbygrace on Jun 20, 2023 14:32:36 GMT -7
I am so thankful you are fighting this together! Praying for wisdom for you both.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 22, 2023 5:24:10 GMT -7
I am so thankful you are fighting this together! Praying for wisdom for you both. Although I sent her the invitation, she has not accepted it. It tells me what I suspected. She really doesn't want to be my porn cop. She just wants me to be her husband.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 23, 2023 12:50:38 GMT -7
Checking in. Day 259. So far, this day is turning out to be better than the other previous days . I'm confessing that I've been lusting a lot the past few days. And I don't like it. I've heated up my brain up to toxicity level 6. I gave myself permission to look, to glance at other women. And it wasn't concentrating on the fact that my Flesh can't be trusted. When I look, I lust. Today I've noticed that it's taking a little bit more effort to not glance. Is the old principal comes to mind.
It's easier to keep the heart clean than it is to clean it after it's been defiled.
And I'm noticing that it takes a little time to bring my toxicity level back down to 4. Currently, it's at 5. Haven't lusted today, haven't fantasized. But my brain is still affected. My Flesh still wants to look and lust. I've been bouncing my eyes a lot more today. Usually, I bounce less because I've conditioned myself to not glance at all.
God is with me. I'm practicing his presence is better today. I'm getting mighty close to the 9 month mark. And that's a very significant milestone for me. I've only reached at mark 3 times in my life. I really haven't learned anything new over the past 9 months. I've just been applying what God has been showing me. So this is bit of uncharted territory for me. But there is a sense of relief to know how to manage. And I do know enough to know that If I continued to compromise custody of my eyes, Then the lust would lead to craving, and the craving would lead to acting out.
My addiction is like a prison. The master is ruthless and cruel. For much of my life, I didn't see it. What would I exchange to have this freedom? What would I exchange for my soul? There is no prison in this world that one can put me in that is worse than the prison that I came from.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 23, 2023 13:34:55 GMT -7
My Covenant Eyes lit me up last night. It was a false positive. Anyways, I took a look around again, and the reports are a lot more comprehensive. It would be very hard for someone to slip under the radar with his viewing of porn and Psubs. It's a good improvement from a few years ago.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 26, 2023 0:06:03 GMT -7
Day 261
Got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I had to get up early to deal with my car that my son took to work last night. The right wheel tire was completely flat. Over the past few months, I was putting air in it every day because of a small leak. But this time, it needed more than some air.
As I hoped, I found the leak and repaired it on the spot. But as I attempted to put the tire back on, my jack gave out and the car wheel went all the way to the ground. Because I couldn't reposition then jack under it, I was forced to drive back home to get my heavy duty jack. It weighs a ton. I was frustrated. Because my wife and I were due to be at a fair in a few hours. I was stressed. But the heavy duty jack worked very well. I didn't know how well it would work to pick up the entire back end by simply jacking the car up on the other side.
I really should have a lot of gratitude. A flat tire really is only a minor inconvenience. It's good that I know how to repair it without needing to replace it. And it's good that I didn't get hurt when the jack collapsed. We learned today of an acquaintance who lost her husband a couple months ago from a vehicle repair accident. His truck collapsed on him. And I don't have to keep inflating my tire every day.
Our gig at the fair was not so great. At least we made $250 between the two of us, but we were hoping for about double. We were there for 6 hours.
But I'm working delivery tonight to compensate, and it's turning out good.
My brain's toxicity level is around 6. I wish it was better. But custody of my eyes remains a struggle. I'm keeping more of an attitude of prayer tonight. If I don't learn to walk in the spirit, my Flesh will continue to lead me astray.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 27, 2023 9:36:43 GMT -7
Day 262. So I was getting ready to start work. It was pretty early so I thought it would be a good start. And my tire was completely flat. The one I repaired a day or so ago. So I had to replace it. It was good that I had some spare tires already available. And I didn't have any complications. The whole thing took less than an hour and a half. So I didn't get on the road as early as I wanted to. Started a little after 9:00 a.m. But I'm hoping to make at least $100 before I come home for lunch. Yesterday was a level 5 day. Today my brain toxicity level is at 4.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 28, 2023 6:13:36 GMT -7
Day 263.
I had such a good day yesterday. I was walking more in the spirit. Not looking, not lusting. Wow! I was happy with this level 4 day I was having.
Until driving home at 11pm last night, I went to sex fantasy. I mentally worked myself all the way to level 7. I was getting a fix. I'm not pleased with myself. But I'm forgiven. I just needed to get that off my chest. I know I'm sober from porn, but I've not perfected my battle with lust.
Today is a new day.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 29, 2023 4:12:54 GMT -7
Day 264.
Yesterday was pretty good. I worked delivery and pulled in $130 before our gig at a church later in the evening. The girls did such a good job helping out. Anyways, my brain's toxicity stayed at 4. My flesh is always there. It will always want to stray. But I continued to say "No" to that first look. I bounced my eyes a lot. And I was in a spirit of prayer yesterday.
I've been rereading Jim Vander Spek's book, "Overcoming Lust". It's such a great book. And by choosing to allow God to clean up my inside, I'm taking the easy route. Way easier than trying to clean up my outside hoping that some of that cleanliness would rub off on the inside.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 3, 2023 5:15:45 GMT -7
So I'm on Day 268.
I'm 5 days away from 9 months, a very significant milestone. I've only reached this mark 3 times in my life. The last time was about 2 years ago. And the time before that was in 2015. Both times, I was white-knuckling a lot. I've learned so much since then.
The first time was about 17 years ago. However, I was still MBing, and I was still using PSubs, and I was still lusting and fantasizing a lot.
So this period is coming into some uncharted territory for me. I should be craving. I'm not. Although, I have been moody and inpatient. It's been 17 years since I've experienced 10 months. I ran out of steam the last 2 times. It's surreal for me to believe because it hasn't been the same struggle as it was before. I don't have a lot of opportunity to take care of myself. I have to work a lot to pay the expenses. We have an enormous amount of debt. And I'm worried about it. I don't want to declare bankruptcy again. I did that about 11 years ago. But it is overwhelmingly bad. So I'm trying to keep my head above water. But it's hard to have faith.
Anyways, I'm very grateful for sobriety. It's a priceless gift. Our family was busy doing gigs this weekend. My brain's toxicity level was at an incredible 3 yesterday. I had to think about that one. It was a 3. Wow! 5 days before a milestone, and I'm not craving. The enemy is losing this war.
They'll be more to learn. More hurdles to overcome. But it's so great to be finally clearing this one. I love sobriety. It's such a great way to live. God has been so faithful to carry me through each step. And I see how sobriety isn't the ultimate measurement of my growth. Some people have to go through multiple lessons before the reward is at hand. God was very patient with me. Never give up. Keep seeking and learning because it's very worth it.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 5, 2023 5:39:07 GMT -7
Sunday night, I entertained fantasy. Heated up my brain to toxicity level 6. And yesterday was more of the same. Maybe it's the milestone coming up. My flesh/addict rearing it's ugly head. Expecting today to be better.
I got a bit moody yesterday. Working the holiday had it's challenges, but the rewards were great. I had highest grossing day ever yesterday. And I still have myself time to mow my backyard.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jul 5, 2023 6:28:56 GMT -7
The enemy is always trying to trip us up when we get on a good path. Your doing good Kevin. I hope you know that and don't give up and don't give in. I'm trying to as well.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 6, 2023 8:06:32 GMT -7
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 9, 2023 22:22:45 GMT -7
Day 275. This is a good piece of news. It's kind of surreal to be at this stage. It's truly history. I've fought so long to be at this place. Kept learning the many lessons that God was showing me. This is hard when you don't know the way to go. Kind of being lost in a maze when you don't have a map. But when you learn what works, and what doesn't. It is easier. Still have to make the effort. But at least I know exactly what effort is required. I enjoyed a level 3 day today. Kind of reassuring to know that after this major milestone, what's been working continues to work. Not trusting in my flesh. The less faith I have in myself, the more faith I place in God. And He's been good. I will have patience and compassion on those that still struggle. I've struggled for decades. It took me a long time. I found out that my 18 score on the Sexual Addiction Screening Test is very, very, very high. And yet, I've experienced God's miraculous power. He really is bigger than all of this. Nothing is impossible with God; nothing. I will continue to patiently share my experience, and encourage others to allow God to lead them to whatever different resources they need to receive healing and deliverance. I thank God for allowing mike to keep this forum alive. It may be small. But there was at least one life that was changed and transformed because of it. Me. Thank you
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 13, 2023 5:52:52 GMT -7
Day 278. I'll take it.
Yesterday, my toxicity level was around 6. I was fantasizing yesterday. Including when I went to bed last night. So yeah.
Looking forward to dwelling more in the spirit today.
One of the members in my Friday meeting mentioned that I cannot call myself a chronic relapser anymore. He's right. I can't. But I've still got progress to make.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 14, 2023 4:40:19 GMT -7
Day 279.
Yesterday was a much better day in the area of fantasy and lust. Level 4. My wife and daughter signed up for the farmers market again this year. I reluctantly went and both of us made over $150 during that 3 hours. So my wife is right. This is a good thing. It was a hot day out. Many women. I kept to my same strategy. I didn't look. Because it's easier to not look, than it is to look without lusting.
We went out for pizza afterwards. Bunch of people next to our table were being drunk and loud. And I did a fantastic job not looking. Praise God.... Until at the end before they left, I did look at the ladies. It didn't turn to lust, but I did look. And that's against my boundaries. Because I can't control my lust. I can only control my looking.
Anyways, although I see the need to improve the custody of my eyes, practicing that behavior on a continual basis has a big effect on keeping the toxicity level of my brain at a safe level. Making it easier to avoid great disasters. Easier to say "No" to porn.
Prayer helps too. Remembering to abide in the Lord, Jesus. The less faith I have in myself, the more chance I have of placing my faith in God.
I have my Simple Steps meeting tonight. But I hope to start work early and make decent money before that today. Hope everyone's weekend goes splendid.
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