KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 17, 2023 15:11:48 GMT -7
Day 283.
Couple nights ago. My son took my car to work. When he got there, he mentioned that my car was running bad. That's funny. It was running fine all day.
So while he was at work, I drove over there at 1:30AM in my wife's car. As I started my car and drove around, it didn't take long for the engine to overheat. As I parked the car, I noticed the radiator was leaking.
Since my insurance company discontinued my roadside assistance, I paid $273 to tow my car home. That was a big blow. I'm going to have to get some Good Sam roadside insurance or something. Didn't have time to fix it yesterday. We had a big gig. So today, I replaced the radiator and after a finally getting the coolant level up to par, it seems to be running good. But I'm not holding my breath.
But I am grateful that I know how to fix my car. I'm grateful that I'm sober. I guess God is trying to teach me using every circumstance as a gift to increase my wisdom and faith.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 18, 2023 12:45:47 GMT -7
Day 284.
Just enjoying a level 4 day. Work is going well. Back home for a lunch break. Going to mow some lawn, switch laundry, prepare invoices before going back out there. My car is running great. Replacing the radiator worked. Nothing else needed. So I'm glad.
Praise God.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 22, 2023 8:05:20 GMT -7
Yesterday I had the privilege of working at an Indian wedding. It was an amazing experience. Lots of people. Lots of fun. A very big magnanimous celebration.
My toxicity level stayed around 4. Why? Because I didn't look. Bounced the eyes a bit. But I chose not to take looks. Did I miss out on seeing all the beautiful dresses and the great dancing? No. Instead, I missed out on all the reinforcement of my toxic shame. I missed out on all the craving I would have been subjected to. I missed out on being less attracted to my wife.
I'm accepting that my eye offends me. I pluck it out, figuratively. Jesus was right. It's better this way. What a great day it was.
Celebrating day 287.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 24, 2023 6:07:34 GMT -7
Celebrating day 289. My brain's toxicity level has been at 3-4 throughout the whole week. Getting close to the 300 day milestone. And it feels good. I'm having some anxiety over our financial situation, but it's manageable. God's always trying to teach me something. I've been rereading "Overcoming Lust" by Jim Vander Spek. And I've been working on having a prayerful attitude all through the day. I'm not reading my Bible. It's been really hard to get into it. I find it boring. I guess I'll just start reading it now, and see how it goes. Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1Cor.1.26,1Cor.1.27,1Cor.1.28,1Cor.1.29,1Cor.1.30,1Cor.1.31&version=NIV I like this part. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power. www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1Cor.2.4,1Cor.2.5&version=NIV I like this part too. Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans? www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1Cor.3.1,1Cor.3.2,1Cor.3.3&version=NIV This is something. I've been experiencing what it's like to live in the spirit. Not perfectly, but Paul is making sense. Lots of believers are worldly. In this case, Paul withholds truth from them because he knows they would not be able to receive it, because of their worldly attitude. I have been called to not live worldly. I let go of my self-indulgence and surrender my will and my life over to God's sovereign and caring rule. I guess that went a little better than expected.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 27, 2023 21:33:27 GMT -7
Day 293.
I'm not craving. What a miracle. One week away from a major 300 day milestone and I'm not craving. Wow.
God, I have so much to be thankful for. Despite my condition, you have gently showed me that you are bigger than all of my sin and all of my problems.
By tomorrow, I will have surpassed a record that I haven't reached in 16 years.
Still rereading Overcoming Lust by Jim Vander Spek. Such a great book.
Really hot day today while my wife and I worked at the farmers market in our home town. Toxicity level 4.
Per the encouragement of someone on NoFap, I'm getting myself a 9 month medallion. And I plan on getting a 10 month one too after I achieve that level of sobriety. These are big, big milestones for me. I'm at loss for words because I feel like it's such a priceless long awaited gift.
Have a blessed night everyone.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 28, 2023 19:57:45 GMT -7
Day 294, I received news from a wive of a porn addict that she's planning to leave him. After she caught him in a lie about still being 2+ years sexually sober. Ugh! She now believes * that addicts don't get better, but worse. * That eventually, the shoe will drop. It's not a matter of if the addict will relapse, but when. * That addicts are incapable of being honest. I can't say I blame her for feeling this way. Because I do too, except for a few rare exceptions, nobody recovers. Yes, God is bigger than all of this. I do believe that if someone wants this bad enough, he's willing to follow whatever path God leads him too. I can attest. If it can happen to me, God can do anything. It's just discouraging to see another broken relationship because of this. For myself, I'm not afraid of relapse. Celebrating a beautiful moment of true freedom. The longest I've been sober in 16 years. Toxicity level 4. God is good. He really is bigger than all of this. I felt I've been abiding with Him. Meditated on 1 Cor 10:12. Reminding me to be watchful and keep praying. The spirit is ready. The flesh is weak. I just wanted to give a thanks to mike for creating this site. I know we've seen many casualties. But there is one person that has been blessed by it's presence. That person is me. God used you and this site to change me. For that, I owe you a big thanks.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 29, 2023 18:25:39 GMT -7
Day 295. This has been a challenging day. Our car broke down on the way to a job. We had to cancel on the customer because of it. I hate that. Anyways, a tire blew out and I discovered that our spare was bad. So we waited 2 hours for a tow truck. Tomorrow morning, I've got to rush to the store to buy tires so I can put them on before my wife needs to go to her job.
My wife pointed out to me that this was my fault for letting the tires run so low. She's right. I apologized. And I'm going to have to change the way I handle things like this.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 30, 2023 5:44:40 GMT -7
I showed up to Walmart this morning. According to the app, they had my tire in stock. It turns out that they don't. Finding tires for older cars can be a real hassle.
So I'm at Firestone waiting for them to open in 20 minutes. They say they have our size in stock. I hope so. Anyways, please pray for me.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 30, 2023 7:29:30 GMT -7
Tire is fixed. It's ready for my wife to use. Praise the Lord. Oh me of little faith.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Aug 1, 2023 10:21:52 GMT -7
I'm currently celebrating day 297.
I feel like my patience is being tested in a great way. After replacing the other bad tire on my wife's car, I went doordashing. Anyways, I also did make a YouTube video of myself replacing the tire.
And when I was out delivering, I realized that my acceptance ratio needed to get higher in order to be top dasher. And I finally did it. After 11:00 p.m. so I was a bit worried and I was going to lose that privilege.
And then my car registration expired in July. So today, I've been driving on an expired registration. The problem was that I can't pass my emissions test because I'm waiting on a part to arrive in the mail that I ordered almost a month ago. I didn't know that this part was going to come from China. But anyways I hope that it would come in, and it hasn't yet. So I uncovered another way to fix my p420 code. Which means that my catalytic converter is not cleaning the air well enough. I forgot that old lacquer thinner trick that was taught by Scotty kilmer. So today, early in the morning, I poured a gallon of lacquer thinner in my gas tank. 50 mi later, after resetting the check engine light, I discovered that my car is now ready for emissions testing. So I took it in later in the morning, and it passed! So my car is now registered. I'm feeling a lot better.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Aug 3, 2023 21:56:15 GMT -7
I fantasized today. While driving during work. Toxicity level 5. It's been a few weeks since my TL was above 4, until today. I admit that I wasn't keeping a prayerful attitude today. I wasn't walking in the spirit. And I'm glad it didn't get higher, but I take it very seriously. The Word says that when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and sin when fully grown, brings forth death. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm just going to learn from this and aim for a level 3-4 day tomorrow. If I keep praying, that will help for sure. I really love sobriety. I love how God is directing my path. I really love not being in unstable equilibrium. This path is really working. My check engine light went back on. So when that part comes in, I'll put it on, and that should help. Anyways, on a good note... 300 days! Wow! It's so incredible! For much of my life, this wasn't possible. Until recently, I'll be honest, I consciously didn't even want it. But here I am. Praise God and His faithfulness. I've learned so much. Have a blessed day everyone.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Aug 8, 2023 6:54:57 GMT -7
Stay strong brother.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Aug 10, 2023 5:20:15 GMT -7
These last few days have not been good. Starting on Monday, I've been guilty of lust and fantasy. I worked my way up to level 7, maybe 8. Because some of the stuff I was watching on YouTube was downright PSub material. Did I cross level 9 or 10? No. Does this constitute a reset? No. But I did lose some battles with lust and fantasy. And Covenant Eyes lit me up on some stuff I was viewing, which is why Ɖσмιиιc made the thoughtful post... At least the girl wasn't naked. But still, checking out women in bikinis and underwear constitutes as a failure. I pretty embarrassed about that. And the lust? I'm guilty of being "The Scopemaster". I was checking out women left and right. Fantasizing sexually. That day was a loss. On Tuesday, I got a bit more serious with prayer. Recited a few scriptures throughout the day. But it was harder to stay clean with my eyes and mind. I still fell some times with lust and fantasy. It was a level 5 day. It's easier to keep the heart clean than to clean it after it's been defiled.But yesterday, I'm back on the lust wagon again. I was careful to not view anything on my phone again, but still, I was not maintaining custody of my eyes. And I was using women IRL as PSubs. Level 7 again. Fantasizing too. I was not walking in the spirit. Prayerless most of the day. I was even making myself more anxious because of the lust. I saw myself getting more frustrated with desiring women that ultimately would never give me what my flesh desired. I've got to do better. Looking back, I'm very disappointed in myself. Monday was my 10 month sober anniversary. And I'm not happy with the way I spent it. So today is Thursday. It's a new day. I want to make it count.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Aug 11, 2023 5:35:37 GMT -7
Dear God, please help my brother Kevin and us to be close to You and always trust in You. Thank you Jesus for not condemning us. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Aug 12, 2023 5:44:50 GMT -7
Day 308.
Yep, I'm making it through this one. My head is in a pretty good spot right now. Looking forward to a good day.
I went to my Friday meeting last night. Since I had jobs, I wasn't able to go in about a month. So it was a blessing.
How much I've grown. This stuff I've done this week, the lust, fantasy? I'll be honest with everyone. I didn't pay much attention to it for many years on BG. Oftentimes, my whole day would be filled with lust while celebrating days of being sober of porn. I think I was hoping that the mind and eyes would eventually clean up themselves over time with sobriety from porn. Which didn't work.
Learning experience. Putting God in my thoughts more. He is my master. He's in charge. His ways are higher than mine. I trust Him.
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