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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2017 17:46:55 GMT -7
I gained some new insight into why my husband developed PA. He admitted to our counselor that he grew up experiencing bullying and other bad things at the hands of Christian kids, and his mother gave him no consequences for bad behavior his whole life. Thank you for that, MIL. Now I get both the pleasure of having a PA husband and the pushback at being the only person to ever hold him accountable for anything. I guess I'm used to being the bad guy, though. Why should that change now?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2017 4:09:45 GMT -7
You are not the bad guy. You are the grown-up. It's a hard pill to swallow that you as a man and husband is acting immature and that you need to change and grow up but that does not make you the bad guy. Good job on setting boundaries, pushing back and acting like an adult. You are his wife, not his mother.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2017 5:48:01 GMT -7
Your a loving amazing wife kelly.. that doesn't want to be the bad guy .. you just want whats right and whats best for your family...nothing more nothing less.. you are wonderful! Don't beat yourself up for that! And my In Laws are horrible for my H too... and have never been the to me. I can relate... Hugs my friend.. 😏
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2017 8:27:46 GMT -7
Kelly hugs my friend. You are trying your best to take care of yourself and your family. Your husband needs to step into his place as the head of your family and he hasn't. Your asking him to doesn't make you the bad guy. Stay strong hon and keep leaning on God as the ultimate head.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 20:31:33 GMT -7
I'm happy to report that the past 3 1/2 weeks have been much improved over the last time I lived with my husband. He still has some growing into his role as head of house to do, but I think that's where prayer and encouragement will be most helpful. He does now go to a full men's program for PA in addition to his individual counseling. I'm not saying this situation is perfect, but it's better than it was.
Just thought I'd check in here since it's been a while. Happily, I haven't felt as strong a need for a sounding board lately. I hope everyone is doing well. You are all still in my prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2017 9:45:33 GMT -7
So happy for you Kelly... Prayers.. Hugs!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2017 7:20:00 GMT -7
Last night my husband told me our marriage has been difficult, but he forgives me. I did not receive that well. I am not perfect, but I feel I do not need to be forgiven by him for that. I still feel blamed for having kicked him out in March. His choices led to that, though. All I did was try to follow God's word and take care of myself by setting boundaries and sticking to them. I'll do it again if I need to. Am I wrong for being put off by what he said? It's horrible enough to be cheated on and disregarded by a spouse. I've been blamed for how I handled it too on top of that. I'm steaming over the mere implication that I should be handled ant of this differently than I did.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2017 13:13:17 GMT -7
It would have upset me.. if my husband says he forgives me... I've done nothing wrong... I feel that your justified feeling upset over it... but i also would pick your battles... since things are better and you guys have come so far... maybe its just not worth fussing at him about it. He needed to offer an explanatgion fir what he is forgiving you for? Maybe its something that makes sense to him. Once he tells you what he ment. If he is blaming you for any of his wrong doing. I would just tell him you will not alliw him to place blame on you for his decisions and actions. You didnt put a gun to his head and make him do what he did.. he did that all on his own... Even if you werent perfect.. it was still his choice.. So . You wont accept being blamed!
Does that make sense.. i hope so. You have been so strong kelly. Keep up all the wonderful work... you are definitely not to blame... Hugs...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2017 21:13:09 GMT -7
Thank you so much, GHP. I think you're absolutely right and I really needed to hear that tonight. Now for my next request. I need prayer specifically for a couple of things relating to my MIL. The first thing is anger.
Every time I listen to her talk lately (about anything...cuts across all subject matters), I start thinking what insane, unhealthy ideas she has about everything regarding her son and I get so incredibly angry with her because I can see from her where so many of the problems in my marriage come from. I haven't exploded at her or otherwise released my anger towards her in ways I regret, but I would like prayer to not let this anger consume me.
An example of this came tonight. We had our dog over her house tonight, and he got loose for a bit (he came back after a short time). In the midst of all this, she looks at me and says that I need to get the dog a tag for his collar. I told her i had, but it has repeatedly fallen off his collar so we need to get that problem fixed. She says, well make sure you get on that right away, etc. Immediately, I start thinking why doesn't she tell her son that, especially since it's his dog too and I am the only one of the 3 of us who had absolutely no part in the dog getting loose tonight to begin with. Then the feelings of anger bubble up over how she has babied my husband to such a ridiculous extent and has never let him take responsibility for his actions or experience the natural consequences of any choice he has ever made. I really do fwel like I'm really letting my anger with her overtake me at times, and I can feel how petty this all is as I write this.
Secondly, I pray for her to grow as a person and stop being so codependent. That one was much less detailed, lol. I wonder why. Anyway prayers for both are much appreciated.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2017 15:20:28 GMT -7
I will be praying Hon. Something you might want to try is writing out your thoughts and feelings in a letter to your MIL. You can then give it to her or destroy it. Sometimes just writing it down can help.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2017 16:39:42 GMT -7
Today is my annivarsay, and I just want to die. This has been the hardest year of my life and tonight I blew up at dinner because my H asked me to pay for the wine I ordered. That may seem ridiculous, but I really wanted him to take care of me today.
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Post by ladystrong on Oct 8, 2017 17:56:01 GMT -7
I'm sorry. Overall do you feel like he is taking care of you? I had my anniversary and for four days after I had PMS meltdowns every day. But by the 4th day we hit a breakthrough. I'm keeping you in prayer. It's a hard road to travel, but it will be worth it. *HUGS*
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2017 18:07:06 GMT -7
Thank you. The short answer to your question is no. I think he was at a disadvantage today to begin with, but no, I'm still the servant carrying the weight of everything. He's better than he used to be, but that's not saying much. It's my conscious decision to stay with him every day, since it's not what I feel like doing. I'm seeking His face every day.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2017 17:09:16 GMT -7
Hey kelly... he asked you to pay for the wine you ordered? Really? On your anniversary! Wow... for some reason that just hit me as really wrong! Not very nice...Im sorry... Im praying for you friend.. You and i are in the same boat i guess maling a conscience effort to stay with our H... Mine said something to me about 2 or 3 weeks ago that im still rolling around in my mind... just not sure what i think about it... Hang in their kelly... i know we will get threw all of this.. i have been doi g much better since i started my depression and anxiety med... im not saying its for everyone but im sure thankful i started taking them... Keeps me sane most the time... Hugs friend...
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2017 20:43:26 GMT -7
Question: How much support and praise is appropriate for my husband now? He came home from his men's group tonight and said he's getting a lot out of the group and has had a really good 2 weeks. I told him that's great and I'm proud of him. I then asked him to keep going, which he said he would. He then repeats how much better he's doing now. I said that's great, but remember to keep yourself humble. This is not something that you get cured from (perhaps I should've added "overnight" to that, but I had a point). He says "Yes, it is. God delivers us from it. How am I supposed to keep doing well if I don't have my wife's support?" I said, I do support you, and I'm proud of you. But pride comes before the fall. Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking you've learned all you need to know. Ahh, I want to scream! I actually am proud of him, but he's still so freaking clueless. How much praise should I actually be giving him at this stage (he's about 3 months into his program and is now admitting slips to me before I'm finding them, but has just started doing that)?
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