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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 7:15:59 GMT -7
I hope this post isn't too explicit, but here's my warning if it is. My husband and I have been separated for nearly 2 weeks. Since then, we've seen each other weekly for couples counseling and to spend a little extra time with each other here and there. Last night we went on a date with each other, and he stayed over. Much to my disappointment, however, we were not intimate. Instead, he chose to try to have me gratify him with no reciprocation. I got a little upset about that. This morning, almost the first thing he said to me was "it's going to be a long time until I move back in since you can't stop getting upset with me." Almost needless to say, that upset me greatly, but the cherry on top was when he said after that that his mother even thinks it's ridiculous how I've kicked him out. He tells me all the time how much he misses me, but then he pulls stuff like this. Ladies, please give me a reality check because I almost can't believe my ears. This is the stuff crazy is made of. I'm inclined to think he's right about us not resuming living together anytime soon, though.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 9:55:46 GMT -7
Hon he is twisting and blame shifting. He is still most definitely looking at porn. The fact that he is being selfish in the intimacy department speaks to that. His bringing his mother into your relationship is childish and needs to be delt with.
Sweetheart I know you miss him and you want and deserve his love. It's just too soon for you to be thinking of letting him spend the night or move back in. He is playing you when you are together...Putting on a face.
I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs and love
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 10:00:38 GMT -7
Thank you. I needed to hear that.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 10:14:12 GMT -7
One question about that: Is that something addicts to consciously on purpose or do they actually believe their own lies?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 10:48:35 GMT -7
Hey Kelly... Im so sorry to hear he is treating you this way and is acting like its your fault. You mother in law needs to BUTT OUT!!! The fact that she is babying him and acting like what he is doing is no big deal and acting as thought they don't even understand why you put him out.. frankly makes me wanna scream! Listening to your post feels like he has no remorse for his actions... thats NOT ok!! My husband has acted the same way..
You know down deep in your gut if he is being a godly husband. You know if he is really trying yo save his marriage and do the work he needs to win your trust and respect back.
AND THEN.... you doing your duties as his wife as god calls you to do.. as far as being sexual and him not caring enough to treat you the same... Also not cool!
I cant tell you what to do.. because you know my marriage isn't in the best shape either but i want you to know i feel your pain and im sorry and i totally get you being upset.. sorry if i over stepped but it make me upset for you!
In reality.. until our husbands love god and honor us more than they love their sin..this is going to be a uphill battle!
Hang in their friend.. rest in god and pray. I will pray for you and your husband.. and i better pray for the mother in law to.. hopefully God can help her learn to mind her own buisness! Again, apologies if i over stepped! Hugs hugs hugs..
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 12:18:43 GMT -7
Most addicts believe their lies. They find ways to justify their twisted thinking. You husband has done this by bringing his mother into it. Not until they hit rock bottom do they begin to see the truth and most will fight it. Every addicts rock bottom is different and some will refuse to change. Changing is very difficult. Look at your own life. What have you struggled to overcome? I have had several...Porn, emotional eating, cutting, depression. None were easy because to beat them I had to follow God and change me.
When dealing with an addict you need to keep your guard up until you know that you know and even have proof that they are changing who they are. Addicts are good at deceiving because they believe what they are saying. Look for actions not words.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 12:50:37 GMT -7
So true Amy ... you make such good sense... 😏
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 13:18:55 GMT -7
Thanks again, ladies. GHP, you did not overstep in any way. I really appreciate your comments. Now let's see, what have I overcome? Codependency and hypersexuality are two things that come to mind, although codependency is still a work in progress (just look at my choice of partners). It took losing a man who meant everything to me a few years ago (my original qualifier in S-Anon) to make me feel completely broken, but that's how I became saved and learned to make God my center instead of a man. I don't know what my husband's bottom will be, but I did suggest to him today that we should only see each other on therapy for now. Let's see how that goes.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 16:40:51 GMT -7
Hugs Kelly. Stick to your guns.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 19:01:24 GMT -7
I can relate to how your husband behaved in bed. That same scenario was my husband and I the last time we had sex. Afterwards I brought it up to my husband and he never made a comment about it. He has not ever been in touch with me on an emotional level. I cannot beleive I have even stayed in this marriage. But I now know why I have..... it's been because of being traumatized emotionally for years not knowing what was happening. It was after last time in bed with my husband that when I myself hit rock bottom. I vigorously sought help for MYSELF WITHOUT my husband. I decided then I would build up my support system to great strengths so I would not be emotionally weak or in emotional danger anymore and it has worked. My husband can be respondsable for his own recovery. Maybe sometime a long time from now ( if we are still together ) we can go to a few couples counseling sessions. For now and always my recovery from my husbands' SA addiction is my main priority. My husband has narrsistic personality traits and I do not know whether it's due to the porn or if the porn is only a symptom of his narrisistic personality traits. I have a strong inclination to think it's the latter. Below is an expert from an article I read: 97% of partners ( us ) whos' husbands are involved with masturbation or viewing porn on any level suffer trauma, which can lead to depression, anxiety and panic attacks, rage or severe dissociation with life in general. Just imagine what us wives and girlfriends go through when it's ongoing for years. We typically become screaming banshees and very sadly become a strangers to ourselves. Once more we suffer for years in silence. Our spouse is basally slapping us in the face with adultery and telling us it's no big deal all the while the lies grow into other areas because lying has become a way of life to cover their self sex needs. No spouse deserves the kind of horrible degrading treatment that the porn viewing partner inflicts on them. Especially psychologically. Many wives are left with deep scars that take years to heal Sadly most all marriages afflicted with porn addiction do not survive. Of couples the who do survive this devastating trauma both the partner and the masturbating addict has to sincerely want the marriage to work. And the addict must give full disclosure and honesty. And lives and breathes SA therapy and remain truly remorseful. And continue to stay in remission. It cannot be stopped without help. The psychological state of the addict is one of deep volatile anger and blame and sadly the partner receives the brunt of it all unless there is help for the addict. The home is not a safe place for the partner as long as the addict continues to use or not receive help.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2017 19:13:17 GMT -7
I went to work and to my counselors appt today. My counselor has reminded me that the whole addiction is based on lies. Lies about it all. My husband is in treatment now for SA. I am at the end of the road with us. I will stay open minded and slowly gradually give him one last oppportunity however if there are not slow changes and gradual building of our marriage then I really must go because I have been in deep prayer for months asking for God's guildence and I have heard him speak to me about this situation. Right now the message from God is to wait patiently for my husband .... however do not be contimually emotionally abused any longer. My husband keeps everything to his self ..... even normal things are lies ..... he consistently has lied by omission ever since I have known him.... except when we dated I did not know he was lying ....lying is a way of life for him. My husband claims he has not told me things because I would not approve - my counselor told me today that when someone says that to you it means they are going to do what they want regardless and that is just an excuse to blame me for the deception and for other reasons - ( I won't mention ). I just am not living with a man who cannot be an open book on all levels. My husband has told me that he cannot talk to me about anything however he has not ever given it a real chance. He only talks to me about what he picks and chooses and it's always surface ...ALWAYS. He says he tells me how he feels except him telling me how he feels goes like this " I feel you are ~~~" in other words how he feels is always criticisim about me or about something surface that I hear him tell his friends. His mother has been very controlling and very much close to my husband. She demands to know personal things and in the past he tells her things that I do not even know. She then will tell me. This has caused big issues between my husband and I. I am not a jealous person and I WANT my husband to be close to his mother. He just has intimacy issues with me as his wife .... I know to this day he still tells his mother personal things that I don't know. However I took my focus off that along time ago because I was going crazy I had to focus on me. It's my husband's loss to not have me in his life as the great wife I am. The only thing that has been my stumbling blocks is being married to a pathological lier and porn addict with passive aggressive / narrsistic traits has pushed me over the edge to the point of insanity and all the whole me telling him what his behavior and lies where doing to us and me he kept on without a thought. I hope you ladies do not have the kind of husband I have. Mine is so uncaring about the marriage and love in the true sense that it is frightening to me at times I almost cannot beleive that I ended up here with him. I want to obey God and be a good wife .... I am a good wife. Except at what cost? Someone tell me....am I suppose to slowly die here just to say I do not believe in divorce? I don't beleive in divorce however am I suppose to loose my life because of this person who has a sickness of disregard for marriage? Love is a verb. i am suppose to love my husband. God says this. My SA advisor told me as long as I love my husband then I am good with God as far as my marriage. I just will not stay with a man who does not show me love .... that's abuse to me in my book
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2017 7:15:20 GMT -7
Goldie well said hon. The abuse most spouses suffer from on here is emotional and lack of intimacy. I do not believe in divorce either but it is a last resort in this situation that was given to us. Christ knew the devastation this sin causes in a marriage and gave us this way out. This sin kills everything it comes in contact with.
I am glad you realize this and are at a point that you can move on if you need to. I pray you don't have to do that but I stand with you no matter what.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2017 15:40:28 GMT -7
Me too... i stand with you because my husband does sound like yours at times... so i feel ya.. stay strong! Hugs..
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2017 8:11:12 GMT -7
You have my support as well. I actually really wanted to comment yesterday, but I forgot my login information and had to be reset. Now that I'm back on, I also want to say that you were right, Amy. My husband was looking at porn when he was home last weekend and, I suspect, as recently as yesterday. I came across it yesterday on YouTube in his tablet, which he purposely left here. He admitted it, apologized, but hasnt stopped or told me about any of this in advance of my discovering it on my own. Per my pastor's advice, I am now going to limit my contact with my husband to our weekly therapy session and when we see each other in passing at church. He can't have both me and this sin. And that very much remains his decision, not mine.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2017 9:51:53 GMT -7
😔😔😔😔😔 im sorry to hear your husband is still hurting you kelly... Be the amazing woman you are and know we are hear and God has got your back and let your light shine... Were wonderful ladies and with our fathers help .. we can get threw this and NOT let them break us... Hugs, love , prayers!
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