|
Post by ladystrong on Oct 18, 2017 7:10:00 GMT -7
It's hard to say how much to give. Most of the time in the early months after my H's disclosure I only gave encouragement as the Spirit led me to. My H knew I was too hurt by him to expect me to always be the one encouraging him. And he quickly learned that he had to make changes because HE wanted to change, not just to get my approval or praise. It had to be a deep internal desire to change.
I don't know where your H is in wanting to change for his own sake. He can't expect you to be overflowing with praise and encouragement though. But, when you do feel led to give him some words of affirmation, do it, and don't let bitterness or resentment get in the way.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2017 8:17:13 GMT -7
Question: How much support and praise is appropriate for my husband now? He came home from his men's group tonight and said he's getting a lot out of the group and has had a really good 2 weeks. I told him that's great and I'm proud of him. I then asked him to keep going, which he said he would. He then repeats how much better he's doing now. I said that's great, but remember to keep yourself humble. This is not something that you get cured from (perhaps I should've added "overnight" to that, but I had a point). He says " Yes, it is. God delivers us from it. How am I supposed to keep doing well if I don't have my wife's support?" I said, I do support you, and I'm proud of you. But pride comes before the fall. Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking you've learned all you need to know. Ahh, I want to scream! I actually am proud of him, but he's still so freaking clueless. How much praise should I actually be giving him at this stage (he's about 3 months into his program and is now admitting slips to me before I'm finding them, but has just started doing that)? I wanted to focus on the bolded section. God does deliver a few from ever wanting to indulge in this addiction again...however most of us addicts have to learn to live with the temptations and having to turn from them and lean on God for the strength needed to do so. The temptations and triggers are always there and they hit when least expected so we have to learn to be vigilant and not let our guard down...to always be ready to run toward God when they do strike. The second part...he is trying to manipulate you into not speaking truth to him. Keep reiterating that you do support him but don't stop speaking truth to him. You are in a hard spot right now with him just beginning his journey. His blinders haven't been fully removed yet. God generally does this in stages because most of us can't handle having them ripped off fully in one go. Hang in there hon.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2017 17:16:45 GMT -7
I think my marriage is finally over. My daughter was admitted to a mental hospital last week. Thankfully, she'll be discharged tomorrow. It sure has been a tough week, though. Despite that, my H and I got into a really bad fight yesterday, and he left to go stay at his mother's again. We have both since said our apologies, but he doesn't want to come home yet, nor does he know what he wants to happen between us. I told him it's unfair to add that to my worries on top of everything else. I'm not doing another trial separation. If he wants to stay away, his move is permanent. Now he's carrying on about how he was right to walk away and he has feelings too. I'm well aware of that since just about everything is about him. I reiterated that if we get divorced, that's his choice. I can't take wondering about when he'll come home on top of all my other stress. I need to know where I stand in order to feel safe. It's a boundary. Holy crud, this has been one heck of a year. I may sound confident, but i most certainly welcome feedback about all this. Thanks in advance.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2017 23:15:00 GMT -7
Im sorry kelly... i wish all of this was easier but its just not... i struggle everyday. Their are so many highs and lows. I am very sorry to hear about your daughter... i will pray for her. I dont really have any advice. I just feel for you. Im praying for you.. Chin up.. my friend... Hugs..
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2017 13:59:55 GMT -7
Kelly hugs hon. I have been in and out of mental hospitals several times. I have dealt with my dad and my sisters being in and out of those facilities all my life. It is extremely stressful when someone you love is in bad enough shape to need to be in one...although I am grateful they are there when it's needed.
Stick to your boundaries. Right now you need your husband to step up and come along side you to be there for your daughter. He needs to stop making everything about him. Something you need to consider though and come to terms with is him not stepping up. Are you ready to deal with the hurt and betrayal that will cause you? You are under so much stress right now.
I will be praying for you and your daughter. If you need me, I am here. Just send me a private message.
|
|
|
Post by ladystrong on Nov 21, 2017 16:37:29 GMT -7
I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this at once. Really doesn’t help that he’s not being supportive and is staying at his mother’s house (which is pretty toxic, right?). Is he being kept accountable to his actions through a pastor or another brother in the Lord? If so, I’d call them into the picture as well to talk with him. I will keep you and your daughter in prayer. *HUGS*
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2018 1:29:24 GMT -7
I found some really upsetting things tonight, including husband's periscope account full of buxom women who post live videos with lots showing, a secret conversation he was having with a woman he named Greg just to through me off, and login info for an adult website. Oddly enough, I haven't cried about any of this. I just want him gone. He still insists that these things were innocent.
I realize I only come on this site to vent. I wish you all could see the best side of me. It isn't there right now. I told him tonight is his last night in this home. He's on the couch. Come the morning, if he's not gone, I will file for use and possession of this home (mostly BS because I don't think that would work, but he doesn't have to know that now). I will fight to keep it, though. I told him I'm feeling violent tonight so he better not talk to me unless he wants me to punch him in the face. I'm serious about that. Not that I WANT to punch him, but I think I would if he doesnt leave me alone. So far, it's working and his face is in tact.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2018 10:00:43 GMT -7
I am heartbroken for you hon. The tears will come soon enough. Right now you need your anger to do what you know you need to do. Your husband isn't trying to change and has overstepped your boundaries numerous times. It's time to enact the consequence. I don't say that lightly. I believe in giving others a chance if they are working at changing. You have given him chance after chance and he is still engaging in his sinful behavior(it seems to be getting worse), he is lying and manipulating.
I am praying for you hon.
|
|
|
Post by ladystrong on Jan 16, 2018 11:08:59 GMT -7
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Good job telling him to stay away and for having the self-control to not get physical.
I can’t remember, are you both going to marriage counseling and has he been keeping accountable to another man in the church? He’s definitely blind and lost right now if he’s thinking all those things you found were just “innocent”. He really needs another man to tell him what’s up.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2018 18:02:15 GMT -7
No, we stopped going to marriage counseling last fall. I think that if he goes back to his group (I noticed he didn't go tonight- perhaps he only ever went for me and not himself) he will lie to his group and minimize what went on. Not that they'll fall for it, which is perhaps why he stopped going. But I do agree that other men really need to set him straight. I honestly don't know what will bring him to truth. I hope he finds it, but I can't sit around waiting.
|
|
|
Post by ladystrong on Jan 17, 2018 11:02:50 GMT -7
Yes, you definitely can’t keep waiting for him to change. What made you both stop going to marriage counseling? Was it the counselor or that your husband was still lying?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 16:37:40 GMT -7
We were getting along at that time, so the counselor bid us farewell. I don't think she was versed in PA.
|
|
|
Post by ladystrong on Jan 17, 2018 17:29:44 GMT -7
Wow, that’s not a good counselor. This kind of issue takes a long time to figure out. Just because you’re getting along doesn’t mean that all the deeper issues have been resolved. So it sounds like she didn’t give you guys any real guidance with working out family or origin issues, marital patterns, etc. through a workbook that you both could do together. Is your pastor involved? Did he have any good recommendations for a marriage counselor? I’m praying for you.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2018 12:44:20 GMT -7
Thank you. My Pastors are supportive of me and will give me counseling and whatever else is appropriate. I don't see the need for marriage counseling. He says he's glad to be gone and we've agreed to property resolution.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2018 16:28:31 GMT -7
I need advice on how to deal with the following emotions. My husband finally left at my request. Now he says he's better off without me and he wants a divorce. Aside from all the usual emotions associated with something like that, being rejected by someone who isn't good enough for me and who I know isn't good for me is really painful. I know those feelings are motivated a lot by pride. Please help me with shedding that and losing my anger over this.
|
|