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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 6:38:30 GMT -7
I think he will. I do trust this pastor, but I also feel that my H gets too much "grace" and not enough consequences. The book I'm editing touches on this topic, though. God will lead us to the right help for both of us. And whether or not it works out between us, I'm in God's hands.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 7:28:26 GMT -7
Sweet! Pastor J said he's been counseling in this specific area for over 10 years. He identified some areas of initial focus for us. Sigh of relief. I thought our old marriage counselor was biblically knowledgeable and had a nice way about her, but I don't think she had enough knowledge about P addiction or even our other major issues.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 16:45:15 GMT -7
Praise God! That was a great session. Pastor J was very gentle with us, but very very knowledgeable, and he had some great suggestions. First, we are going to get Covenant Eyes and he (not me) will be my H's accountability partner because he stressed the need for my H to have his own boundaries and limits (I brought up Kevin's thoughts about how He doesn't get the mail in his household, and Pastor J said that's exactly the kind of thing Jon needs to do). He was very surprised we didn't have a blocker already - we had mine for a while, but that's gone now.
He also LOVED the contract I drew up last summer and wants us both to sign it. He is also starting to teach my H how to lead correctly in a marriage by initiating and modeling gentle behavior. We will, in the coming weeks, work on better communication and deescalating with each other. I'm still not sure if we'll make it, but I feel certain about the need to try this and really hear from God about it. Besides, my H started these sessions without me last week and called Pastor J "a great man of God" afterwards.
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 9, 2018 18:36:19 GMT -7
That’s awesome! I’m so glad there’s someone else whom your H respects and will keep him accountable. I hope that your H has truly repented and continues asking for help. Also glad that there’s some direction in communicating with each better. That will always be a work in progress.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2018 19:04:18 GMT -7
I had a VERY good class on grief and loss tonight. I think one of the reasons I haven't moved past my hurt is that I havent grieved the loss of my newlywed period. But, I'm being kind to myself now and spending lots of time with God. Sharing my feelings here also helps. Just have to make sure I'm doing it enough.
Also, tonight I sent my H an apology for what I've done wrong in our marriage; i.e., hitting him and cursing at him repeatedly. Not to excuse what he did, but my responses haven't been Godly. Funny thing is that I don't feel that I'm an angry person in general. De-escalating is a large part of how I make my living. Yet, nobody pushes my buttons like my H. I have been known to fly at him like a windmill. That said, I know he didn't make me do that. There is a better way. Hopefully, I'll get to the heart of that in counseling, where I'm trying to be humble as well as honest about EVERYTHING.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 17:07:21 GMT -7
Today's counseling session was good, but hard. My H started blaming me for kicking him out about midway through the session, and I started crying. I was, at least, strong enough to insist that he chose our situation. His choices led to this, and that is so often overlooked.i Pastor J was very good at handling this situation too. He began coaching my H on how to be gentle with me in order to lead properly. I'm still not at all sure what will happen to my marriage, but I'm glad someone we both love and trust is trying to show him how to do that. I don't think "head of house" is a right men are born into. I think it's a natural role that becomes theirs when it's earned and demonstrated.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 18:03:30 GMT -7
Hugs hon. Be sure to spend some time unwinding. Counseling sessions are stressful. I am glad you stood your ground and that your Pastor was able to handle it.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 17:48:23 GMT -7
In general, I feel peaceful without my H here. I have since just after he left. Yet, I feel drawn to be ministered to regarding my marriage. I'm not convinced it should end, but I'm also not convinced it should continue. God will minister to me about that and will show me what needs to happen.
Pastor J wants us (H amd me) to work on this as a couple who lives together. I'm not ready for that yet, and I have told Pastor J and my H that. The reason I feel so peaceful now is because, for the first time in a long while (maybe ever), I feel like my life is about me and my relationship with God now. It never felt like that when H lived here. I do what activities I feel like doing and spend time with God as He leads me to. It's actually wonderful. I do pray for my H and for my marriage, but how this goes is up to God, not me.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2018 17:37:05 GMT -7
Another good but emotional counseling session today. Unfortunately, the good part is what Pastor J said, not so much what my H said. He still sees himself as the victim who got kicked out of his home. I pray that changes because it has to if we're ever going to move forward together.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2018 18:55:36 GMT -7
It can take awhile for the victim think to change. It took me a long time to realize that yes I was abused and that disadvantaged me, but it was my choice to look at porn and go down that road. Are you seeing small changes in your hubby?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2018 20:59:29 GMT -7
I am seeing some. He was sweeter to me this week. He also respects Pastor J enough to pay more attention to him than I've ever seen him do before. He's getting very specific lessons on servant leadership, but it hasn't been very long since we started counseling.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 8:09:12 GMT -7
Be patient hon. Keep praying and standing firm with your boundaries and in how you want to be treated. It's the small changes that lead to a bigger breakthrough. Watch God work in your relationship. It is truly amazing how He effects changes when we give Him the room to work. He is the master artist.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2018 18:48:03 GMT -7
Good counseling session today. We were talking about what it means to lay down your life for another. I think my H is doing the love dare on me, which is really nice. It's been a nice week as far as sweetness between us. I was asked this week about how H and I got together. He was nice to me and he took me to church, which opened up a whole new world for me. It really was that simple.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2018 13:30:10 GMT -7
Last week's counseling session was good, but I haven't posted anything because I've been off my meds (not by choice - H losing his job I. January has caused me to lose insurance) and feeling really jittery and nuts. Fortunately, I have come to know and love goodrx.com, so I'm back on the meds and thinking I'll probably feel better in a few days. I'll check in again after tomorrow's session. Jitteryness aside, it's been an alright week.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2018 15:36:37 GMT -7
Pretty good session today. I'm still a little irritable while reaclimating to my meds so we did argue some. It ended on a good note, though. Im really frustrated with all the doctor's bills that are piling up now, so I mentioned that H should be redirecting his rent money to me. We have so much to work through. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get through it all.
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