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Post by ladystrong on Jan 19, 2018 22:36:04 GMT -7
That’s good I’m actually seeing a lot of hope here. Yes, both sides need to own up to destructive patterns. It’s not easy to admit when we are at fault. That’s where the healing can start though. I absolutely agree that he has committed adultery. And now, with “Greg”, it’s become more than just watching stuff and doing M. I don’t know what books your pastor will recommend but Torn Asunder by Dave Carder has been really helpful for us. The workbook is very thorough in getting to major issues that most couples face when adultery is involved. He classifies affairs into 4 categories, one of which will stand out as you both work together. I hope you both can work it out and that you get good counseling from that particular pastor. Marriage isn’t for the faint of heart. Praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2018 18:03:59 GMT -7
Wow, my husband pissed me off tonight. But, I think I responded appropriately. He moved more of his stuff out, which put him in a really bad mood. So, he's been texting me messages all night about me being a control freak for putting a P monitor on his phone, etc. I told him we have needed it. I'm not perfect and I'm willing to look at all my faults in counseling when it's appropriate for us, but what he did to me has been VERY painful for me. I'll never get back the first year of our marriage. I'll never get to be a blissful newlywed who knows her husband cherishes her. That has wrecked me emotionally. Now I get that this is painful for him, but it's painful for me too, and he absolutely does NOT get to take his bad moods out on other people, least of all me! In all of this, I wasn't mean and I did not curse at him. He ended the conversation by saying he's sorry and he will pray for God to lead us to what's right. I will too.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 6:37:19 GMT -7
In an effort to keep journaling, here are some updates. My H asked me if I would go with him to our church's roundtable discussion for married couples. I said sure. I see that as a good first step, although we are a long way from someplace good. Strange thing is that I feel really peaceful without him now. His bad mood over the weekend aside, I'm enjoying myself now. On Saturday, I had lunch with a friend I havent seen as much as I'd like, and I found out she knew my grandmother in her last days (My nana passed away frim Alzheimer's in 1998, and my friend had worked in her nursing home years before she and I had formally met). I went to church with another friend on Sunday and I joined a Christian book club with several other members of my church. Last night I had an excellent first class on biblical crisis counseling after meeting with my own counselor. So much of my life centered around my H and his moods when we lived together. It's nice to have time with just God now. He will lead me to where I need to be.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 7:00:39 GMT -7
Praise God! He really uses the bad in our lives and turns it for good. I am so glad you are experiencing this. I pray you continue to move forward and grow closer to God during this season of your life.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2018 18:29:42 GMT -7
Another journal entry: I was proud of myself tonight for standing up to my H. He wanted to attend a roundtable discussion about marriage, so agreed to meet him there. Afterwards, he wanted to talk. I said ok. When we started taking, he said "the first thing we need to figure out is if we love each other, which we both said we do; however, I think he has a very childlike vision of what love is. He views it as positive only, and never harsh. I then asked if he knew why I got so upset the night I last asked him to leave (1/13-1/14). Without waiting for him to answer, I said it was how he minimized what I found instead of just apologizing that he had done it. Love isn't all sunshine and canoes. I do love him, but I sure don't trust him. I don't know that he ever will understand why he should avoid things that tempt him. I explained that, as I have clearly said for many months now, I am not comfortable with him being on social media of any kind. He can be on it if he wants to, but he can't have me too. Tonight I heard grace defined as what we need, not what we deserve. Sometimes, though, what we need is consequences. And thats what almost never gets talked about.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 20:14:53 GMT -7
Today I woke up to a text from my husband saying that if God is telling me to fight for our marriage then he would like to go back to counseling with me with the Pastor of my choice. That pastor just so happens to be at our church, but also counsels through our treatment center. I am encouraged and thankful for this, although I make no promises about what will ultimately happen between us because I truly don't know. God will take take of me and I will be ok no matter what. It is a good step that my husband consents to be counseled by someone who already knows him well and is familiar with this disease. Our former therapist was not.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2018 11:35:14 GMT -7
That is an encouraging sign that your hubby is agreeing to counseling. It won't be easy for either of you to work through the problems but God will be with you and as you say God will take care of you no matter the outcome.
Hugs and prayers
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2018 15:00:48 GMT -7
H wants to start our counseling tomorrow, but he wants a one on one session with our counselor before I join in. On one hand, that annoys me, but I don't think I'll be harmed by it either (since I think our counselor is seasoned enough), so ok.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 20:31:54 GMT -7
I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for listening to me and caring about me. In this whole situation, I've just struggled to feel appreciated and validated. So thank you for your truth and compassion.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 20:54:43 GMT -7
Hugs hon. How are things going for you?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 14:37:25 GMT -7
Things are going alright for the moment. I'm getting to spend lots of time with God and myself lately, which is great. I'm also editing a book for one of my pastors now (the same one who will start counseling H and me Friday), which is a huge blessing for me. The book is on people building. I see why the pastors at my church are so accepting, even when that seems to me at times like they're being too easy on my H. I will continue trusting God to bring me through this even when its scary because i know He will give me what I need.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 7:15:15 GMT -7
When I feel good, I tend to forget about my problems. That can be both good and bad. When I go to counseling tomorrow, I don't want to gloss over all that's happened between my H and me. But how do I articulate it exactly? I feel very strongly that I have been abused throughout my marriage. When asked for specifics about that, what would I say? I love my husband, but I do not trust him nor do I think we should resume our relationship like it was. Things like hearing the Word of God together seem like great suggestions, but I don't think it helps my H the way it should because I don't think he applies it to his own life. I've seen him stand in church so many times nodding his head and raising his arm to messages about avoiding P and other sexual sin only to go back to it time and time again. Church alone isn't going to fix tbis. And don't even get me started on his mother. Thoughts?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 7:26:51 GMT -7
Do not gloss over anything. If asked for specifics, give them. Truth hurts but it also cleans out the sin and the evilness it brings with it. Your counselor will not be able to truly help without knowing the full truth. But also be ready to give suggestions on how to begin to heal yourself and your relationship. You want to leave the session with some hope. Remember men do better with action and specifics so give concrete things that can be done to begin the process of healing.
Edit: ideas for a beginner in the overcomer area might be...individual counseling once a week with marriage counseling a few times a month. Finding and cultivating an accountability partnership with another male. Talking with you about his journey once a week. Setting down boundaries with his mother.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 11:14:18 GMT -7
I told my individual counselor my concerns about tomorrow's session, and she offered to speak with our marriage counselor if needed. She also said there's a marriage counselor at our (H's and mine) treatment center if I'm not comfortable with our pastor's counseling after tomorrow (since I'm not exactly sure just how much work he does with our center). The thing that jumps out most in my mind now is how the subjects of grace and forgiveness will be treated. With that in mind, I wrote our pastor the following.
Dear P _____,
I know you do work with addictions ministry, but how familiar are you with porn/sex addiction in general? I ask because I do think it's a specialized area that creates unique problems in a marriage, and I would like to make sure you have all the resources you need to help us.
Specifically, I'm concerned about Jonathan's misapplication of grace for himself. I definitely have problems of my own that I need help with in order to heal myself and my marriage; however, I do not think I have been more abusive than he has (we have both been abusive towards each other, but in different ways).
I do love my husband and I would like my marriage to work (and I feel strongly that I need to receive God's word for me about that), but I am yet not ready to focus on things like oneness and not having an exit strategy. I also think that while I have forgiven him for his adultery, I haven't yet healed from it.
What I would like to see him do most is to take responsibility for himself, set limits for himself, and show me contrition. He is quite skilled at listening to what is taught and said at church without applying those things to his own life. I will, of course, elaborate as needed tomorrow. Meanwhile, my counselor at ______ (______) is available for you in any way you like, and I give full permission for her to discuss anything and everything about my situation with you.
Thank you, Kelly
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 14:31:39 GMT -7
That is a well written letter. I will be praying that your pastor receives it with an open heart and mind and makes full use of your individual counselor.
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