Today

I feel ya goldie...
We get so guarded because we just have no idea whats gonna happen next... whats gonna set them off! ..

My husband and i are doing the couples workbook .. well were reading it.. because he refuses to do the assignments or really even discuss what we have read... no deep thinking and problem solving for us.. thats thecway he likes it.. Were on chapter 17 "Forgiveness " .. it talks about how mike asked for forgiveness from his wife Michelle...
I asked my Husband.. why he has never asked me in 28 years to forgive him for what he has done. He said its weird. I said no its not. Why should i just give forgiveness when you dont even ask for it. I feel him finally asking for it means he is ready to stop hurting me. He said that made sense and he could see why i feel that way...
Now i know God calls me to forgive no matter what my husband does and God has been working on me and i have felt like i should forgive him and let it go... but it bothers me that he does even have the gumption to ask me and to want the forgiveness.
Its like i always have to give first or bend to him.
It frustrating!

I've been driving thinking that i refuse for this to be my life. I refuse to be so sad and unhappy.. I'm tired of it!
I can choose to just be happy.. i can learn thats for sure..
Just so over all this crap!
So i feel ya goldie.. i understand!

Jay, it sounds like your hubby is trying to change. He asked you for prayer to help him through a difficult day of seeing impure images so that he wouldn't stumble. That is a big step in the right direction. This is his sin but you as his wife need to help by being a prayer​ warrior on his behalf. And whatever you do don't ever tell your hubby that you are uncomfortable hearing him open up about his struggle. He will close up tight and won't let you in again. If he goes into minute detail about what he was seeing, would be the only time I would tell you to tell him that you want to support him and want to know when he needs prayer but that you can't handle hearing the details.

Hang in there hon. Hugs coming your way.

Jay just remain open to him when he comes to you. Some like to be encouraged others don't. You know your husband. Most men prefer to treated with respect then offered loving encouragement. Respect means more to them. So if you do decide to say something, couch it in terms if respect.

I am afraid that he may never get to a point where images don't bother him. I am sober nine years and I still have to be careful of what I watch, listen to and read. It does get easier to turn away from it because our journey teaches us strength and how to cope in a good way.

Mostly hon your job now is to remain steadfast in your boundaries and consequences, to be a prayer warrior for him and to remain open when he tells you he is struggling.

Hang on hon you are in for a bumpy ride. Also do not neglect your own spiritual walk. Keep your tanks full. It helps.

Jay - I don't know what to think ether. What does your gut say?
Personally my gut has not lied to me ever. Many times my head tells us one thing. My heart tells me something else. However.... my gut has not ever been off. That's me. I cannot give anyone answers or advise really.... we are all different .... however we are the same in that we wives have loved ones in SA. Personally I prefer my husband to use his recovery group/counselor/his support system 100% of the time. However I will always pray for my husband and I will make sure I tell him daily that I pray for him and support his recovery. I will also be open to hear any new found spiritual experiences about his recovery or things he wants to share. I honestly will ask him to check in with his advisor or group when he struggles. I won't shut him off. However if he does bring up struggles to me .... I have already decided that I suggest he prays or probly suggest he give his group a call. I can do this in a loving and kind way... But I myself do not want to be my husband's support .... although I will support his recovery. I wonder why he is telling you this instead of calling his advisor or getting to a meeting or going to his group or asking for help outside of you? I myself beleive that the wife can defiantly be supporting and do small kind gestures and stay open with love .... without being THE support .... does that makes sense...? I personally beleive it's ok to say honey I love you and I support you , have you reached out to your group? Or adviser about this?
In my own case I have my hands FULL dealing with my own recovery and healing and honestly am not able to do that for my husband. I am with you Jay.... to me it does seem odd that he brings this up to you..... go with your gut ...I don't know about you .. mine never lies .... pray for yourself and your husband too

We have prayed together and he has told me all about his Intimacy Anorexia and he has come clean. He also told me that he has a long way to go and he has told me a lot of things. My thing is I have been traumatized severely. I have been emotionally abused because IA is when a spouse places zero value on the other spouse. Also the spouse with IA downgrades blames and mocks the other. Its a very debilitating issue for the partener. Right now all I can think about is becoming stable and healing myself. Hearing his struggles right now is too much for me when I am trying to hang on as best as I possibly can. Its not that I don't care or feel unempathetic. I just cannot hear him talk about how hard his life has been with these IA and SA issues when I am shaking all the time and not sleeping and throwing up due to my nerves and being traumatized myself over this whole thing for 15 years now. The thing that has me right now is that he came back from treatment 2 days ago. And although I do not expect him to change overnight I did really believe that he had absorbed something.... He mentioned that he was going to take his mother out to lunch the day after he returned...... I brought up my concern that should he do this I was concerned he would not have the emotional focus for us.... ( at treatment the dr said that this IA thing all began with his mother from birth....he never connected to her for some reason and that has hurt him his whole life ) he works away so is going back to work tomorrow...... with just the 3 days left I was concerned that it was too soon for him to go back and try to connect with his mother before he did some connecting for our marriage sake first......It has been a pattern for 15 years that many times after he spends time with her he is emotionally drained because she is desperate for that connection that they never had with him growing up.....but now he is married......his first priority should be with connecting to me first. Please do not get me wrong. I care very deeply for my mother in law...she is a kind woman who is very good to all....She and I are just alike in so many ways and that's why my husband married me ( he said ) however...She and I are very different in that she has not been in recovery for co dependency/ or trauma and I have been so I have healed a lot that she has not healed and that alone has almost crippled her children from her being very overbearing and controlling and demanding for their emotional energy.....my husband has not ever been able to have emotional boundaries with her and it has caused us some bumps in the road. I have really had to become very strong in this area as to realize that my husband is the only one who can make modifications in that relationship....I feel it is is his place to protect our marriage with his family of orign .... he is very concerned with how she sees him and also he is very concerned with pleasing her and he has always been afraid to not go along with and meet her demands.(  I do not think for one minute that he should stay away from her and certainly not say mean things to her or not be involved with her....) however just have better boundaries. I suggested that maybe spending the day with his mom was a not a good idea straight out of treatment for not even 24 hours and maybe he should hold off and instead put some focus and energy into planning a good weekend for us so we could connect .... only 3 days left before leaving for work for a month ( he  spent the whole first day with his mother connecting with her over and an issue that she had that was not pressing and that she has a lawyer for however she found it very necessary for him to rush over and care for her..... He never took the time out that day to make our plans for the weekend even after I brought up an activity that interested me to go do.....at the last minute the next day he asked me if I still wanted to go and it was late in the day and I had already gone on to do something else alone. In other words I needed to see that he was putting my needs first and I needed to be able to trust that he had my best interest at heart or put energy into planning for us over this family of origin and also that he put time and effort into thinking about us. I have for years suggested that he take his mom to lunch once a week when hes home and show her his attention yet he refused saying he did not want to however it seems like that she always knows the time that I need him the most to cause a Crisis " and then I get left out with couple connection with him he has used this tool as a excuse to keep me pushed away...usually the crisis is not ever a crisis.....however my husband does not have boundaries....its really not her fault he needs to establish this with her however has not out of fear or lack of knowledge on ow that is effecting us.....y There have been other things this weekend that fall into that same category. His words do not match up with his actions on every level of the scale. so although I am empathetic to his recovery issues I myself am putting my recovery first and I am not asking him to help me get over my recovery stuff so I am not going to help him with his right now I know everyone is different however that is how I am handling mine. I have however re stated the same needs that I have which have been the exact same needs that I have always have that have been devalued or ignored for 15 years. Nothing has changed. I do find it hard is listen to how hard it is for him to try new ways.......I even "help' him in that I tell him when he is putting distance between us yet he is not listening to me...so this puts distance between us and it's hard for me to help someone who i have no value with or who does not consider me.....its the same ole thing he is not placing value in us or me. I could see if I where a mean jealous uncaring wife who has ulterior motives. My motives are good. I want our marriage to come first ( not me ) or marriage ) then I also want him to have strong healthy bonds and lots of good close interactions with his family as well. Right now is not the time to go back a correct with his family first he needs to put our marriage first cause its the most pressing and then hos family next. They told him in treatment to listen and put stock and value into your wives concerns......however nothing has changed So now he is leaving for work tomorrow and there has not been any trust at all built before he goes and also there has been no connection made before he goes and there has been no sex before he goes.....Yes same thing as before...however he has made a connection with his mom and he has built trust up with his mom so I am basically back into the triangle again and also since he cannot get his sexual needs met with his mother I am very confident he will relapse into SA when he is away. I am ahead of the game.....after I married I realized that I was not equipped emotionallyto be a good loving giving wife....I had issues with my dad from growing up....I spent 7 years in counseling and really honestly let go of so much and I began to actually start operating with me husband in a new way.......That's when I really could see that it had not been all me and that's alway when I asked my husband to get help for his emtional sexula issues.....BTW it is true whet they say....we marry people who force us to heal our childhood issues ) so if my husband and I do not stay together I have him to thank for my healing with my father ) my husband is just like my father   

The above bolded words are why I will never get married again. I have worked so hard on healing what my dad did to me but there is always something to work on. My ex ended up being just like my dad....Including being into little girls. I am very thankful that I was there to stop him before he progressed to acting out with his daughter. I am very thankful for having the strength to stand up to him and protect her. I just don't ever want to be put in that position again. It still makes me want to cry.

My dad never has sexually physically harmed me or physically sexually harmed anyone that I know of
However he has always been known to surround himself with woman outside his marriages. And he has always been intimately anorexia
This IA is extremely common. I am reading a lot about the it. Most sex addicts are IA .... Dr Weiss found that when the SA is arrested that the marraogebroes not get better. So by addressing the real issue of withholding of connection / intimacy in these men he has been able to help them recover from thier fears. My husband sex addiction is in remission however his Intimacy anorexia is still on going..... it will always be there he will just need to interact with me differently