Today

Hi Jay. I am sorry that you are at this point but also glad you are there. It is only in recognizing what you just said that you are able to move forward and heal. Remember to lean on our Lord in the coming days and weeks. Follow Him where He leads. Hugs, love and prayers hon.

Hello jaynar05...
Welcome... reading your post was like you were inside my own head.... i completely identify with you!
I too am plus size and my husband has tried blaming his addiction or atleast used it as an excuse on me being a bit fluffy....

I struggle with my weight for many reasons.. first off being sexually molested at a young age, men down right trying to grope me when i was a young woman ... then finally my husbands porn issue and all the discoveries of it over and over again for almost 30 years just kept me in such despair i would emotionally eat because i never felt good enough.. pretty enough! It was an endless pattern of torture..

I have always been a giver... a fixer.. but just never for myself... so i get it totally!

You are so right... i have just really started trying to love myself more... its been slow but awesome...

Good to meet you... i pray your journey of self love goes well...

Ok you guys time to tell a bit more of my story. I can totally relate to you both.

Growing up everything was fixed with food. Sad...Have some sweets. Angry..Here eat this. Depressed...Have some chocolate. You get the picture. I ballooned up to 394 pounds. I could not stop eating. I ended up getting bariatric surgery. I lost 175 pounds. But my eating didn't change just the amount I could get in my stomach. It's been a journey for me to learn not to medicate with food...And I still find myself doing it sometimes. I cannot have sweets in the house or it disappears into my tummy. So my becoming gluten and lactose intolerant has been a blessing. I can no longer handle normal sweets without suffering severe pain. It makes it easier to stay away from them. My family loves their sweets.

I have gone through some drastic measures to get down to a size 18....And honey I look fine! I got curves in all the right places and hand holds in the right places too. My sisters you are beautiful! Celebrate who you are and give yourselves some love and pampering! Oh and a fun way to buy yourself new clothes and not spend a ton of money....Thrift stores! I love going to ones by me. I get new clothes and score on the cost...It's a double "you rock!"

When you find your value in the Lord you'll no longer care about what your husband thinks. I am still learning this and it is a battle not to compare myself to someone else. It's always been a battle for me since I was a little girl. Here's the truth: God thinks I'm beautiful no matter what someone else thinks because He made me. Your husband's addiction really isn't about you not looking or even looking a certain way. It's about his medicating himself in an unhealthy way that he learned WAY BEFORE you were married. If you feel like you need to change, do it for yourself.

Check out Mike's blog post on this, it was the start in my understanding what my husband was doing and it took the weight off of me feeling like I had to be a certain way: www.blazinggrace.org/healing-from-adultery-for-wives/

This is your time to take care of yourself and lean on the Lord rather than food or other comforts to help you thru the pain and confusion. I heard God's voice before my husband disclosed his affair and it was such a relief to me to hear Him speak thru scripture. I knew it in my head that He loved me but it finally hit my heart and I believed it. I hope you hear Him and believe His truth, too.

Thank you, thank you. You all are so encouraging. I really needed to hear the things that you have said. You are have been so life giving and empowering.

So, we no longer have internet at home, he no longer has a smart phone (at my request), and we don't have any television service such as cable. We watch dvds and he has to listen to the news on the radio. It's not in our home anymore at least, but I still worry that he is lusting every time he sees an attractive woman. I'm working on giving it to God daily.

A little about me. I am a stay at home, homeschooling mom of 6. We have 3 biological children and 3 adopted. My children are 10,8,4, 3,3, and 2. We just had our 12th wedding anniversary on March 5th. He did arrange for a babysitter and took me to a nice dinner. It was the shock of my life. I could not believe it. That is not my husband at all.

My husband's parents are divorced,when he was about 8. After the divorce he and his mom moved in with an uncle. He tells me he discovered his uncle's stash and this is where it all started. He is not a go getter at all. He usually stays free from porn with will power. He has gone 2-3 years at a time. If its not right in his face he can stay away. As soon as he is exposed, he falls.he claims this timw he is really free. I don't trust it. I think as usual it's just because we have placed protective measures up. I don't think he could stay away without these safeguarded steps.

Today i choose to focus on myself rather than my husband. I am choosing to tell my husband what needs I have in our marriage . Trust, respect, honesty, affection, kindness, healthy communication, friendship, basically emotional and sexual intimacy. Also fun , laughter, pulling together as a team. Rising up through life storms together. Standing strong together to face Satan and let him know he will not have our marriage or family. And seeing this whole thing for what it is. I want to hear what his needs are .....If my husband and I are not on the same page fighting for the same things then we are basically fighting each other. It's that simple.
I have walked through 15 years of my husband's sexual sin. Now coming into the 16th year I found myself notvwalking through it anymore.... I was barley crawling through inch my inch. Fighting hard tooth and nail..... I kept crying out to my husband however he was not fighting too. God gives us strength direction and love and is the master of our fight. I knew that I knew I am powerless and I came to beleive that I could be restored to sanity and God showed up and showed out. It is kot until we let go absolutely that something happens. We need to start seeing things from a new point of veiw. Are we actually seeing what god wants us to see? When I referred to " something happens " does that mean our husbands are free from the bondage ? Does that mean our marriage restored ? ( this is what we want )
Not nessecarily. What if we walked and crawled through those / these times of pure pain, hardship and trails and darkness for only OUR growth, for OUR closeness to God, For OUR personal healing in areas and ways we never thought possible. What if we had that time in our lives for other reasons other than "saving our marriage " what if we where fighting for ourself and our own purpose and it was only through our experiences with our husbands that could happen? God has clearly given us a clear way out ( lust and sexual sin in a marriage is adultery ). So God gives us a choice without condemnation. Of course we want to stay with our husbands more than anything however do we suffer year after year? Maybe some beleive that long suffering is what they are suppose to do as a sacrifice for their husbands and God. Not me..... Jesus suffered so I do not have to. When you know in your heart that you have honestly and earnestly and been as pure as you possibly be in your motives for your marriage then become aware that you have been fighting for your husband and marraige and he has chosen to not fight for himself or the marraige ( or if he made you believe he was only to later find out it was a smoke screen ) then today I have a choice. I want to be a aging star for Christ I want to bring positivity to others and he a blessing Satan does not want that....it's up to me to step away from situations that will only bring me long suffering I became and am becoming the woman God intends me to be and it has taken being married to a SA for 15 years for this to happen. I am ok with this. Yes I love my husband however I refuse to continue to fight alone for our marraige or fight for him anymore because he absolutely has no desire to fight with me or for himself
I am not angry at all anymore I am ok with it all

Gods healing power, I can relate exactly to you!!!!
I know exactly how you feel! I have had those same situations with my husband. Your husband is blaming you and making you feel like you are doing something wrong by asking him to be a partener with you in practicing solutions for the problems that SA has produced. I am here to validate that it's not your fault. Hold your head high. Have you given a bottom line? My first bottom line was moving upstairs if he did not get help. I kept it. And My second bottom line was not doing things with him. I kept it. My third bottom line is now me leaving if he did not get in Chirstain recovery. He got into the recovery I asked him to get into. Now I will form a new bottom line on the lying. If he continues to "use" in SA i beleive my bottom line will be to leave within a 48 hour time frame.
I don't have cash saved up nor am I exactly sure where I would go however this would not keep me from leaving within a 48 hr time frame should he not be truthful with me. I trust that God will provide all I need at the exact time I need it. God has never let me down . I encourage you to form a bottom lines on different things in different areas as things come up and make it ones you can actually follow through on. You are not dealing with your husband you are dealing with Satan and the sooner you grasp onto this the better. You have to protect yourself at all costs. Your mental and emotional well being is at stake... you might very end up being so insane and in a place where you might start thinking of taking your own life..... I myself was heading down that path. I am not telling you to leave I am only telling you to protect yourself with boundaries that you can stick to whatever they maybe ....and this will help you help yourself and give you pride YOU MUST love and care for yourself and having bottom lines and boundaries that you can stick to for yourself is healing and love for you....also please go all out on getting healthy good strong outside support for you!!!! A strong support system outside of and including this BG resource will help you.,