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Mar 18, 2017 7:02:07 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2017 7:02:07 GMT -7
Goldie are you in the U.S.? If so, there are Women's Shelters in all major cities and most smaller ones if you ever find yourself in need of a place to stay while you get your feet under you. They are usually kept a secret as to their locations because of the need for protecting the women there. One way to find them is to call your local crisis hotline. Also those that deal with these situations might know...Like counselors, pastors, local authorities. I pray you never need to use this information though.
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Mar 18, 2017 19:21:22 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2017 19:21:22 GMT -7
Has he confessed to another brother? Is anyone else keeping him accountable? He can't do this on his own, which is what most people try to do. He is not accountable to anyone at this time. He was meeting with a pastor friend whom he really trusted and respected. Sadly, that Pastor moved out of state. He has texted him a few times to touch base, but even that has fallen off. He has not replaced that relationship. We are not members of a church at this time. Other than work he ia pretty isolated. I'm hoping that will change soon. He works every Sunday and sometimes 7 days per week 12 hour days. This keeps him from doing a lot. These days he works and sleeps prwtrhw much. He tries to spend time with the family when he is not too tired. |
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Mar 18, 2017 21:43:02 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2017 21:43:02 GMT -7
In reply to Admin I have lots of family and friends who will welcome me to stay short term. I just have not thought about who I woukdvstay with short term. I also have a good stable job. I just do not have a lot of money saved up. I am not concerned about having a place to stay or money to live on.... i just do not have a specific plan yet. My husband is not physically abusive.... I just know I will NOT stay in a house where SA is active any longer because it is very devestaing to my emotional and mental well being. After 15 years I have had all I want. Right now currently my husband has begun a Chirstain program of recovery. I have already noticed a few changes and the energy inside our space inside our house has shifted .... it does not feel toxic at this time. Before the air was filled with toxicity and I could hardly breathe here. I know he can be in recovery if he chooses. I know I can be in recovery if I choose. BOTH of us must stay in our recovery programs. As long as we both want our marraige to improve and we BOTH work a program I think it will be a good thing. The key is that it's GOD based Christian counseling and direction
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Mar 18, 2017 22:07:09 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2017 22:07:09 GMT -7
God's healing power I was strong on the inside and weak on the outside for numerous years. You too are strong on the inside even though you have not had a breakthrough on the outside yet! I just got to the place where I love myself completely in a good way, plenty enough to state the truth ( for myself and my household ) I see SA as Satan infiltrating my husband. Satan has been willingly invited into my home. I beleive Satan uses our behavior as a weapon against us.
He saw my husband's SA and saw that I was upset over it. I beleive Satan fed my husband's addiction along with my husband's approval and Satan also destoyed my mental well being along with my approval. Look Satan can only get away with what we allow him to get away with. I stood up to Satan. We have Gods power to do this. We have that power inside us. God has given us the power to drive Satan out of our homes. That's what I did. This is spritiual warfare. After telling my husband that he himself was inviting Satan in and offering me up to Satan as well.... my husband had cared less. So after giving him ample time to repent and confess and get support he refused. I do not begrudge my husband of what he chooses. At the same time I am free to make my own choices as well. I choose to no longer be a volunteer to experience horror, trauma, lies, manipulation, dishonesty and emotional abuse that has been 100% attached to the SA I have experienced all I want of that and now I choose something different. Build a suppprt system!!!!!
Ask for God's direction fight for your home! Cover your home in Jesus name under the blood. You will win! Keep seeking keep searching for God keep going ..... fight Satan with God as your leader and strength. I do not know what caused my husband to have a change of heart.... he said he would give Christian recovery a try. And that's what he is doing now..... not so fast.....we both have a long way to go..... more is to be revealed....
this is not a fix all it's a darn good place to get the ball rolling in a positive direction..... I must stand firm. I have God on my side and I must stand firm against Satan. Put your focus on fighting the source with God ..... fight Satan and allow your husband to make his own choices. Make choices for yourself that you pray and follow God on.
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Mar 18, 2017 23:59:47 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2017 23:59:47 GMT -7
Goldie..im listening... the only problem i have is my husband blames his addiction on my weight... he says he would be different if i was different.. he says he didnt have this problem the first 3 years or so of our marriage... so it makes me feel like i have to change to see what he will do?
I know he probably wont stop because its not all wrapped up in me... its his issue but since i try to be a good wife and i have honored my vows.. im trying to lose the weight and be attractive to him...
This hurts me very deeply of course.. i mean what woman wants to here that she's not good enough... and i always thought that as all beauty fades that he would love my heart and my soul because its beautiful.. but i guess i underestimated needing to stay HOT! We have been married almost 28 years and he looks nothing like he used to look but i don't see him in an unattractive way. Granted i could lose some weight and i have lost 70 pounds last year but he still didnt care or even want to touch me. I gained some back because of all rhis stress of his sin and him trying to solicit sex off craigs list.. i qas devistated.. He must want me to look like im 20 again and that's never gonna happen... i fear im never gonna be good enough but i feel like i should honor my vows and the commitment i made to him to try. This could be warped thinking as Amy pointed out to me because i have sexual abuse in my history as a child.. but its really all i got left...
He says if i dont lose weight he wont divorce me but he is gonna continue his porn secret life on the side because he has sexual needs but he wont have relations with me.. and i have never denied my husband even though he has made me feel very ugly and unattractive..
I keep trying to be the wife god calls me to be...
I don't think my self esteem has ever been this liw before.. not even after being sexually abused..
I've been listening to Christian music and trying to stay in prayer and trying to just not pay any attention to all the time he spends on his phone. Normally my anxiety is off the charts and i had a break down about him lying 2 days ago... he has just acted like he has no idea why im so upset and me challenging him just makes him keep one foot in our marriage and one foot out... i have felt for a long time that he is riding the fence...
Boy just writing all of that makes me sad and discussed.. sometimes it doesn't make you wanna go on living.. like you said before.. and the emotional abuse is horrible..
I have some support and im still working on getting more... its just a drive a rig with my husband.. so imagine you being in a 10×10 box with the person that hurts you the most all the time and wanting nothing more than to love him and have him love me back... this is so hard...
Thank you for your words and sharing... Amy is a big help to me to...
I will get their.. God willing!
Hugs...
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Mar 19, 2017 14:06:19 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2017 14:06:19 GMT -7
GHP, this song has gotten me through so much and I am praying it speaks to you as well.
Addressing what your husband is doing. He is blame shifting. Do not let him do it and do not accept it. It's the most difficult thing you will have to do but DO NOT believe his lies. The truth of the matter is that you could be the hottest woman to walk the earth and your husband would find something wrong just so he could get his fix without feeling guilty. The fact that he claims not to have had issues with porn until 3 years into your marriage is complete bullshit. Most men have issues with it by age 11 and you can't tell me you married him at the age of eight. Sweetie if you want to lose weight then do it but don't do it for him because you feel you are to blame for his porn habit. You are beautiful. You are lovable. You are worthy of love.
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Mar 19, 2017 17:03:15 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2017 17:03:15 GMT -7
I hear you Amy.. thank you... i am trying to believe in my worth and not carry the weight of the blame...
I just wanna feel happy again and comfortable in my own skin at any size!
Your the best my friend... thank you!
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Mar 19, 2017 21:10:23 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2017 21:10:23 GMT -7
His porn use has nothing to do with you. He is justifying and rationalizing to make his behavior ok. Just try your best to hang onto any shred of sanity you have right now. You've been traumatized and it's hard to see clearly. Maybe try detaching with love. Find outside hobbies or a part time job to focus on. If you are unable to do that find projects around your house or volunteer in the community .... anything to call your own. Try not to let your mind go any further insane. You can build yourself up by these small things. There maybe nothing you can do or say that will change things for him. I have tried everything with my husband. Maybe not in your case .... in my case I truly beleive my husband has serious rage and serious narriscistic personality traits. He says he is in Chirstain recovery however not much has changed. I have changed though. I am not accepting or internalizing the lies that it's my fault. I also have full awareness that there is nothing I can do for my husband besides be as kind to him as I can and pray for him as much as I can I will love him like I am suppose to and be faithful and I have the right to make my own choices for myself. This will more than likely mean me leaving. I am not going to be traumatized any longer by a husband that makes a clear choice to not recover
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2017 9:11:11 GMT -7
I like what Amy said in one of the above comments about changing for you and for the right reasons, not because of what our husbands profess to want. Reality is that I can't figure out what would physically make my husband happy anyway. I am a bit overweight, but less so than I have been in the past. I lost 35 pounds last year leading up to my wedding in October. When I got married, I was a size 12. Then, on my wedding night, my husband called me his "whaley" and, with regard to my appearance, only commented on how much smaller my chest had gotten. Now I'm back to being a 14 (I was at one point, a 16), I "should be taking better care of myself" and should work out and watch what I eat. My husband's problem is with intimacy, not my physical appearance. He is incapable of being satisfied with my externals. Therefore, although I realize I have some attachment to emotional eating, I don't know if, at this point, if I'm ready to change at all for any reason, but ifair I do, it sure as Hell won't be for him.
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Mar 29, 2017 22:21:00 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2017 22:21:00 GMT -7
I have been working a lot lately and I have really gotten a lot of personal satisfaction of being busy, doing a job well done, also making extra money. After working for several weeks it was my idea to go away to the hills with my husband to our old lake trailer. It was depressing. The weather was so pretty one day and he did ask me to go out to eat lunch except I told him I would rather enjoy cooking together at the trailer since we had brought some nice food. After that he never asked to do anything else with me the whole time. It was disappointing and it did upset me. I guess I am just done asking for us to do fun things together ..... besides asking about going out to eat occasionally he does not put effort at all into things such as just going for a drive on a prettty day. I read something someone else wrote about her husband just having such a problem with intimacy. I know my husband is just at a total loss at any kind of emotional intimacy which I feel was tied directly to his porn use. I beleive anyone who uses porn losers the capiity to develop emotuonal with their wives ( or kids or hardly any only ) they are already having thier sexual needs met so why to have emotional intimacy with the wife? Too much work..... the trip was hard for me because I felt traumatized by that lack of emotional intimacy. My husband says he has been clean from open for 2 months now. I read Dr Weiss studies on wives of porn addicts and he calls that addiction a huge betrayal in which it feels like adultery to the wife and that even if the husband stops unless he makes an immediate emotional connection to her on a deep level that the wife continues to suffer trauma no different than if he where still using. I distanced myself from my husband after we returned. He started acting better towards me when we got home and is suppose to be leaving for intensive christain treatment for SA in about 2 days from now. We'll see..... also he has joined this website men's group ....only time will tell how we will do. I keep working on my recovery no matter what ! I think if I keep my eyes on my recovery things will go better for me and also for him on his journey
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Mar 30, 2017 2:48:43 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2017 2:48:43 GMT -7
Sorry Goldie that things didn't go well on your getaway... nothing sucks more than wanting to emotional connect and intimately connect with your Husband and their simply not their... its like a fax machine with no dial tone.. what good is it without that! (Bad analogy but you get my point)
For myself.. I'm starting to wonder if a marriage can truly ever full recover from so many years of trauma.. do we just cover the pain and it is buried.. still, quite and waiting... can we ever really trust again or is it always gonna be their in the back of our minds wondering when their addiction will show its ugly head again..
Can a wife ever really get free from it..
I'm not sure i can ever truely be myself again.
I love my husband to the core of my soul and have indured more pain than one human should take. I am still kind and loving to him and i still treat him like a man deserve to be treated. I read the Bible and do my best to follow what god asks me to do as a wife and i dont engage in any kind of sexual pleasure that does not invole my husband. This could mean i go with long dry spells.. i still see beyond his aging body changes and love him as if he has never changed. i am loyal faithful team mate and partner and i still make efforts to show him i love him by doing romantic things and gestures for his special days and sometimes just because..i find any shred left to stay emotionally connected to him and All i ask is that i get the same in return.. thats what i signed up for when i said my vows and he slipped that ring on my finger...
It cuts beyond imagination that he can't do the same fully and completely.
I'm sure all of us ladies on here feel the same.. we want to be the most important second only to god in our men's life...maybe its all just a fairytale...
Things that little girls get their heads filled with...
I'm not suggesting that i only signed up for fun happy sunny days.. i completely understood their would be storms but a 15, 20, 25+ year storm.. Heck! anyone would drown after that! I definitely feel like im drowning!
Its all so frustrating and it hurts like Hell to live with a broken heart! 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
my point to my vent session is i completely understand you..
Hugs goldie...
HUGS!!!!!
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Mar 30, 2017 16:25:09 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2017 16:25:09 GMT -7
I keep feeling that my husband is not being faithful. I'm not sure if it's just my paranoia or not. We don't have internet at home and there is no internet on his phone. That is the thing about lust. It is a sin of the heart. He could be lusting after every woman he sees and I would never know it. I don't have proof of anything, I just don't trust him. On one hand he is trying to be extremely nice. Yet, he still lies about silly things like buying junk food at the store. Normally he does not want to touch me and now he is asking everyday (hope that is not TMI). I'm not sure what to think. Help?  |
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Mar 30, 2017 19:16:52 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2017 19:16:52 GMT -7
I think you need to decide what to believe. Your doubts or the facts you see and are experiencing. I am not saying to trust him completely but maybe start to let him in a little and see how it goes.
He is treating you better and he is wanting intimacy with you. Both are good signs that he hasn't been viewing porn. However you know him where as I don't.
My suggestion would be to open up a little bit....Take it slow and still stand by your boundaries.
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Mar 31, 2017 8:29:30 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2017 8:29:30 GMT -7
I think you need to decide what to believe. Your doubts or the facts you see and are experiencing. I am not saying to trust him completely but maybe start to let him in a little and see how it goes. He is treating you better and he is wanting intimacy with you. Both are good signs that he hasn't been viewing porn. However you know him where as I don't. My suggestion would be to open up a little bit....Take it slow and still stand by your boundaries. I am sure you are right. The thought of letting him in scares me to death.I am always fearing the worse. Yet I don't want to discourage him because I keep pushing him away. I have seen him up on several mornings praying within the last few weeks. I am seeing some changes but I always fear they are not real (just more manipulation). He is still very defensive and will lie to protect himself. He has a very diffcult time admitting he his wrong, even in small things. |
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Mar 31, 2017 10:25:30 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2017 10:25:30 GMT -7
Hey jaynar05...
Usually my gut instinct is dead on correct but lately since i am so confused and have been manipulated so much.. im not sure lately...
My husband does the same thing.. once he stops using Porn.. he then wants intimate sexual time with me.. so i think they do that once they stop..
Amy is right ... just let him in slow.. my guard will probably always be up alittle.. too many lies to ever really know if he's telling the truth and my husband lies about silly things too.. its weird!
It makes you wonder if they are even capable of the truth and makes you question everything about your relationship.. its hard.. hang in their
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