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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2016 9:41:49 GMT -7
Oh praise God! I am so glad your pregnancy is progressing well and that you are in counseling with a Christian counselor. You have dealt with so much in your marriage. I am praying that this is a true heart change for your husband.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2016 9:46:52 GMT -7
it would be hard to imagine that God would let me fall pregnant right now if he didnt want us to keep on fighting for the marriage
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2016 13:30:07 GMT -7
Hi Ellekay, So very glad to hear that you are physically feeling a bit better and that you heard the heartbeat of your child. What a blessing!
Also glad to hear that you are in counseling as well. You said you have a Christian counselor - does she also specialize/have experience in dealing with sex addiction or addiction in general? i ask this after reading through your posts and see what a toll all your husbands lying and deception has taken on you. From what you have said, It sounds like he has never been truthful and continued on with the masquerade while underneath still giving in to what consumed him.
Have you considered requiring him to do a full disclosure of his activities backed up by a polygraph? it sounds extreme, because it is. But, it really kick- started my husbands recovery and my own healing as well. It helped my husband because it required him to finally be truthful about who he was, the bad choices he had made in his life, and truly grasp what he was doing to himself and to me. The polygraph was used by the therapist as a tool to help him be truthful. Not as a punitive thing, but a tool. It was the first time in my husbands life that he ever actually told the truth about himself.
It helped me because it got rid of all the questions. I knew the truth (even though I didn't like it) and I didn't have to wonder anymore and question myself or things that had happened in the past. I knew the truth behind all the questions, so I could grieve, be angry, learn how to deal with all the anger, and begin walking toward forgiveness with Gods help. In my opinion, it's really hard to move on and just forgive - if you don't know what it is your really forgiving someone of. Having thoughts bombard you constantly with questions of was that the truth? what was he really doing then? what was really going on at that time? can make you feel crazy. Your not. You just really need the truth so you can begin to heal.
Just sharing that idea with you as an option to consider. I guarantee its not something your husband will want to do. Likely will be terrifying to him, but it really is beneficial. My husband fought me like crazy not to go through with it, but his other option was a divorce lawyer. Five years later into his recovery he says it was the best thing in jump starting recovery - even though it was also the worst day of his life. The disclosure and polygraph need to be done by a sex addiction therapist who has experience with this.
One more thing - is It also gave me an opportunity to share with my husband how I felt after the disclosure (with the help of the therapist). Your husband needs to feel the shame, guilt, and anguish of what he has caused by being unfaithful to you whether it be by porn or by physically acting out sexually with someone. I would be concerned if he hasn't experienced shame, guilt, mental anguish after all that he has done to you. True repentance involves coming to grips with the reality of our sin and the effect it has on us, and those around us.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2016 8:34:15 GMT -7
Hi Hope, i've already said that i will be requiring polygraph as part of going forward to verify that since last summer he has been truthful about porn use. Because quite simply every other method which might have indicated telling the truth, has been abused. Not evidence of recovery work, not going to groups, not journals, not words or behaviour. so it only leaves me polygraph. For the past, i pretty much know now that its absolute worst case scenario. no marriage rebuilding, no journey of incresing honesty and communication, no recovery. only more hypocrisy , deception, and abuse of my growing trust. it would have been better if he had been an a$$hole. i dont think anything is more damaging to future trust than such deception and manipulation. especially with all the spiritual stuff he would use as proof. Spiritual talk is now a trigger for me. Talk about messing me up. also i spoke too soon on feeling better.......... have been terrible today and yesterday
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2016 8:02:34 GMT -7
Hi Ellekay, Glad to hear you are considering a polygraph. Just be prepared that things may need to get worse before they have a chance at getting better. It was not a pleasant experience, but a step I'm very thankful we took.
That really stinks that your husband has played the game so well. It's no wonder you feel the way you do - he has broken your trust over and over. God is the only one who won't let you down. He may allow things you won't understand in the moment, and you may feel like He is not there at times. But He is there. He is faithful. Cling to Him and He will give you strength and wisdom.
You have been on a long, hard road with your husband and it sounds like the road continues to be very difficult. Know that you are being prayed for.
So sorry you are feeling sick again. Pregnancy can be so hard...my own sure was. They say that the sickness usually tends to go away by the 3rd month. It unfortunately didn't for me, but I'll be praying you find relief very soon. It's all so worth it once that baby finally arrives!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2016 6:44:47 GMT -7
Hi Elle hon. Just wanting to know how you are doing. How is the pregnancy going? How are things with your husband? How is your daughter doing?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 9:06:22 GMT -7
Hi, still feeling pretty unwell in various ways but not as sick and i've been feeling more positive towards my husband. There hasnt been anything really that has concerned me about his character or behaviour just recently which has been helpful to my trauma recovery. I'm now at that "If I believe this, will I have another mighty rug pulled under me at some future point" but at least I'm considering being able to trust and move forward, which has to be a good thing. I have to admit I am still not managing to read the bible and my prayers are still kind of emergency ones but I do enjoy listening to sermons and i think that can 'count' for this season without me beating myself up over not sitting studying the bible . I'm finding it hard to concentrate when i read, even when i have a gripping fiction book I'm putting it down distracted after 5 minutes, which is annoying. So i guess its not surprising that the Bible is a bit of a challenge right now. My daughter is ok, on the whole improving , her relationship with her dad is slowly improving, although she remains as guarded as I do, which comes out in aggression towards him at times. She still 'crashes' or has an anxiety attack when doing things that should be fun, and ends up crying or needing to come home, which frustrates her , as much as it upsets me to see. Its hard to hear her pray every night to feel better the next day. But she is improving in some ways, her eating is a little better, and since being wiped out with a fever she is getting to sleep more easily, I'm hoping the illness has helped get her back into sleep routine rather than this being a temporary thing Thanks for asking after us its good to be able to report more positively than previously, i just hope this isnt a false security.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 10:18:05 GMT -7
A prayer is a prayer is a prayer. It doesn't matter if it is a short I Love you Lord or a lengthy 30 minute wordy one. And yes sermons count so does worship music. Do not get down on yourself for not spending "adequate" time on certain aspects of what a "good" Christian does daily. Your concentration is shot because of your pregnancy and the stress you have been under. Try just reading a short verse every day for now and getting in a short prayer here and there. None of us are perfect especially when it comes to spending time with God. There are days I am to tired for more then an I love you Lord and you know what those in my life need. Please help them Amen.
I am so encouraged to hear you talking about moving forward with your healing and that your daughter is also healing. Take it as slow as you and your daughter need to. Keep leaning on God to guide you and keep up with your counseling. Pay attention to your gut, don't ignore it. Don't forget to pamper yourself on occasion even if that means just enjoying a cup of tea or coffee.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 5:24:15 GMT -7
So glad to hear from you ellekay! I understand the fear of the "rug pulling" syndrome, I struggled with that for a long time. But even more so, I am concerned for changes in my daughter's behavior which in some ways seem similar to your daughter. They are coping as best they can, and all we can do is pray for them.
That being said, I confess to not studying scripture as I should. But I DO keep my little devotional book Jesus Calling with me at all times. It give a quick insight for the day, with optional extended scripture reading if you are up to it. I listen to sermons all day in my car, but my little book has been a lifesaver to me. And Amy is right about prayer. Some days all I can say is Jesus help me! Prayers and love for you always.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 6:29:44 GMT -7
Devotionals are wonderful tools! Gives you a short pep talk based on the bible, a prayer and a verse. Elle maybe some type of devotional will work for you.
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2016 12:42:48 GMT -7
Just thought I would update that things are going better, both with my sickness and in the marriage. I think the initial shock /trauma phase is passing as it tends to do after a number of months.
Keeping wary of a few incidents where old behaviours/habits surface. They make me feel in a split second that the habit isnt the slip, but the 'veneer' of the illusion has slipped and i might be seeing the 'real'. Does that make sense? Its only little things, 'reality gaps' related rather than porn related. Like, he will say one thing and then another that doesnt quite corrspond. Basically i am on superhigh alert to anything that even faintly sniffs of inconsistency. And I mean freak-out alert. I know it takes a long time to break out of habits. But where these habits have been linked to gaslighting, i cant tolerate them anymore, and i wont. Its my defense against being gaslit , ever again.
I'm keeping alert to these things, because i dont want to look back and think "I should have known when ........" But also knowing relating-habits and the ways he phrases things are not going to change overnight for him.
These incidents are not frequent. I'm talking, maybe 4 times in the 12 weeks since discovering i was pregnant. And like i said, they're not about porn or suspicious internet activity. So I think he is doing pretty well, and i have more hope.
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 20:37:44 GMT -7
Great to hear from you Elle...been praying for you. I DO understand about the veneer/ real/unreal behavior. Looking back now as time has passed, I can see the facade that my husband so carefully kept in place, and I now can identify when it started to slip. The changes in our day to day, his zoning out, the withdrawal of affection. I wrote it off as stress from work, being tired, etc. I know now that it was the addiction demanding more and more of his attention.
I also understand about being hyper-aware of everything. After I found out about his addiction I became suspicious of every woman we encountered that he knew. I couldn't help but question him, "Did you act out with her?" It is SO difficult to move forward because of constant new disclosures and wounding. I have filed for divorce because of the lack of action by my husband to recover, and because it is taking a huge toll on my daughter. It is not what I want, but prayer for direction and inaction on his part has driven me to do so.
I pray your pregnancy is going well, and that your family will survive this fiery trial intact. Love and hugs to you tonight from one who understands your struggle.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 17:19:43 GMT -7
This is my first post so be gentle with me. ? Elle, I have spent much of my day reading through this thread about your life with your husband. I find myself currently stuck in the betray/ rebuild/ betray/ rebuild cycle. My husband stopped drinking without AA before he met me and has never touched a drop in almost 30 years. He's been battling PA for at least 15 years that I've known about (and by that what I've caught him at) and he has had this addiction for more than 40 years! I've been to three counselors where he has lied, minimalized, rationalized, justified and made it look like I was overreacting to his slip-ups. He is now on his fourth counselor because he broke our marriage reconciliation agreement. (No AP, no porn, no lying) I have been at this place too many times. Too many times God has confirmed and reconfirmed that I am to just be still. But I am tired. I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of feeling terrified. I'm tired of feeling helpless. I'm tired of being blindsided. I'm tired of feeling humiliated. This last time I've asked him to go. He knew I just did not want to do this life with him anymore. He was doing the angry attitude garbage, and was finally ready to leave. Then as he tried to go he broke down and cried. He said God, is preventing me from going. I asked him if he felt a physical sensation, and he said yes. I was really mad then! I have felt that exact feeling for the last three years working through the horrors of his adultery wanting to leave him! I'm pacing asking God, how he could keep me in this?! Long story short, I only agreed to allow him to stay if he would go into recovery for his addictions. He agreed. Next day, found this site, signed him up. Called our marriage counselor and got an emergency appointment. He called a colleague of our therapists and he has his second meeting with him tomorrow. I try to hope. I try to see God's goodness in this. I am just really struggling to believe. So much damage has been done. I see remorse in him, but I do not see that desperation that makes someone want to do whatever is necessary to get clean. I don't see that level of true repentance, that kind that breaks you so completely.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 20:05:36 GMT -7
Dear beauty....I am just in awe of your staying power. I am 3 days away from the 1 year anniversary of finding out about my husband's betrayal, and I have already reached my breaking point. Only you and God know what you are capable of enduring. From what you have said, you have been doing this for a very long time, and you have done everything within your power to support your husband through this battle.
Like you, I have sought God to guide me in what course to take, and in my case it came down to my 8 year old daughter. Regardless of how much I wanted my husband to change, he has not taken the steps to do so. He made a brief effort after he was caught, but then stopped going to counseling, emotionally distanced himself from me, and then abandoned us. He strung us along, giving false hope of reconciliation, and broke our hearts over and over again. I desperately prayed to God to give me a miracle, but that was not in His plan.
I don't believe God would have me continue to endure this living hell at the cost of my sanity and my daughter's well being, so I filed for divorce. I thought perhaps this would be the catalyst to get my husband to change, but he has not...so it is time for me to move on.
When I read testimonials like yours and Elle's, I am stunned and horrified at the cycle of hurt and betrayal that you have endured. I cannot imagine the trauma that you have suffered for the sake of the husband you have loved and supported, and the fear you must feel about the future.
All of us must decide the cost we are willing to pay, and how long we will wait for our husband to change. BUT one thing I have learned is that nothing, and NO ONE will ever change until he has a true, Godly, sorrowful repentance for what he is doing and commits to defeat the addiction. I pray for both of you, that his commitment is real, and that this will be the turning point for him. Keep us posted, we are here for you, God bless.
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2016 7:44:05 GMT -7
Thanks broken. There are things that God shows me that keep me going. I married my husband who was not a Christian at the time, because of how much he hated cheating, adultery and so on. I actually committed the act of adultery within the first months of our marriage. I was a foolish young woman who put herself in a situation that I couldn't get myself out of. At the time I lacked the tools needed. I am forgiven, and I have forgiven myself but honestly I still have such remorse. The good that came from that was it brought me to my knees. I accepted Jesus as my Saviour and so did my husband. He grew in amazing ways! He was seriously the real deal. We were involved in church together at every opportunity. It was such an amazing time in our life. About a year later, I confessed to my adultery. The pain I caused my husband changed me forever. I dealt with the abuse issues that made me the girl I was. My husband refused counseling because he didn't want to be reminded of our shame. We went on with life. It was before the internet so his addiction was kept to just fantasizing and M. I am not aware yet to his entire history with this addiction. Right now he is too afraid to tell on himself. I have asked to make sure that when he gets to that point that everything comes out and there will be a poligraph. I've spent the last three years trying to recover from a physical affair, that has came out in drips. There is so much to this story, but I'm getting ready to accompany him to his counseling session.
Oh, one of those miraculous things that God has used to show that I am to be still, is that out of the blue he will bring a stranger who will approach us and tell us, that they can feel the love between us,. One young Christian woman said to us, you two have such an amazing chemistry! Even our marriage counselor has said, I have never counseled a couple who belong together more than you two!
We are all broken. Yesterday, I was discouraged. I kept my husband up with my fears. Today, I'm physically exhausted from lack of sleep and a pretty bad dream. But all this makes me press into God all the more. God is my god, not my husband. God says for now, you cannot leave. I am literally the only person on this planet in prayer for my husband. He literally has no friends in his life due to his behavior the past five years. So I stay for now and I pray.
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