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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2015 12:11:57 GMT -7
I have a long history of P throughout the marriage and a testimony half the length of that. I can link my testimony if moderstors allow: I spoke at a conference about p in a christian context and gave my testimony there.
my current struggle is caring for my daughter (7) in the fallout of enforcing my boundaries and asking my husband to leave after repeated violations of fidelity and truth. she is symptomatic of anxieties mostly focussing around fear of being unwell, which have manifested after being separated over the summer
we have now physically reconciled and moved house/country with a new job in ministry for my husband, meanwhile my daughter and i have lost everything and every true relationship that we knew, for something/someone who has only ever lied to us.
bad times.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2015 14:24:13 GMT -7
Of course you can link your testimony. There is no need for you to ask before hand hon.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2015 16:19:17 GMT -7
Praying for you just now ElleKay. I'm so sorry you and your daughter have been through so much. I would truly be blessed to read your testimony. I am new to truly fighting for my marriage. Both my husband and I have been lax with the Lord and loving each other and we are in the midst of my husbands struggle with lust and Pornography. I just recently shared my boundaries with him and we are on a journey now to healing and recovery together. Please know you are not alone. I know I am so glad to have these forums and converse with others who are seeking the Lord's help in this battle. Blessings to you!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2015 8:33:07 GMT -7
Ok the site I have come from, we needed to ask permission to link in case of triggers. The backlighting obscures my face which may or may not be a good thing ....but it throws some weird shadows and is a bit offputting Its about 20 mins long ( after mine is the story of a womens struggle with p use) As you will see, if you listen to it, I wasnt even Christian at all at the start of all this in my marriage, so I didnt have the faith to buffer me at first. This is easier than me writing the first 80 pages of my journal all over again lol. However this was oct 2014 and since then there was the 3 months of hidden relapse summer 2015 that led to the separation and worst damage to my child and to the marriage which is what i am now dealing with www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXyNcL7Hy-Q&feature=youtu.be
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2015 9:49:53 GMT -7
Elle If you think it might be triggering for some then state it in your post first thing. Staff will go in and view it and if it is TMI then we will let you know the specifics and remove it. We try not to hinder freedom of speech so will only remove things if it is graphic or too detailed. I am a firm believer in the fact that we are each in charge of our recovery with the Lord guiding us and strengthening us. We know what we can and can't handle as individuals.
If you see a post that might be triggering or goes against our terms of service, please report it.
Now I am going to watch your testimony so I can respond to you as a fellow sister in Christ.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2015 10:28:53 GMT -7
i dont think it woud be triggering, its just my testimony which is linked to the battle against porn in our marriage
unfortunately the positivity of that time has been blighted considerably following what happened after we sold the business believing God had great plans for us .....i thought we were walking in obedience to God and it was exciting and hopeful....but he was still lying and hiding and convincing me more expertly than ever that he was a changed man.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2015 11:25:34 GMT -7
Elle, you have endured and learned so much on your journey. I watched the entire video. You have expressed exactly what I felt with my ex and the woman after you expressed exactly what I went through and learned during my battle with porn. You would think that since I went through my porn battle before I married that my reactions to my husband's porn would have been different...they weren't. I went through all the same emotions although I tried to be understanding...I was so hurt and devastated that it wasn't there. Then he lost control when I confronted him on his latest viewing and left bruises and still managed to blame me for everything. That was when I came to the conclusion that it had gone beyond the point of no return for me. I believe that my ex can change but I will never give him the chance to physically hurt me again.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2015 12:27:31 GMT -7
i just dont know if i can do this. My husband is depressed. I'm depressed. How much can you sledgehammer something and think you can rebuild again? i have always trusted that it wont happen again, this time was needed to learn and grow. I've gone past that point. I neither believe nor disbelieve that he will use again, and none of it is relevant anyway because it doesnt take away the damage done. I have seen how easily nothing can be as it seems. I have had 8 years of time-share of my husband, when I should have been the sole owner-occupier in his sexual space. How can you ever feel 'naked and unashamed' when that space has been so defiled. I have been lied to and deceived , so much so that i trust nothing to be true of anybody necessarily. Its like floating about in a sea of truth-relativity. No words or actions can indicate anything to do with reality, so 'proving himself' is irrelevant, and even if he could, I still would struggle to find positive regard for someone who had caused so much harm to me and my child through such selfishness and self-interest. Would i try to love anyone else whose self serving actions had such consequences? At best I would try to forgive and then set safe boundaries around that dangerous person so they could not harm us again. Yet I have to put myself back in the same place to be potentially harmed again, and even to let that person sleep with me. Thats not natural to be intimate with someone you do not trust and who has caused great harm to you.how on earth do you generate love from lies and distrust?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2015 12:55:08 GMT -7
Elle, I wish I could give you a hug. My heart bleeds for you. Have you taken all you are feeling to God in prayer? Are you listening to what He is saying to you? Only He can answer your doubts and give you clarity on your next step.
I am praying for you hon.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2015 21:08:55 GMT -7
Praying for you just now Ellekay. My heart aches with yours and I'm asking Jesus to hold you close and give you His peace and wisdom. May Jesus direct your steps and give you hope.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2015 2:52:21 GMT -7
All i've got is that God wouldnt use porn to bring us to Him, only for it to destroy us later down the road. That would be letting the enemy kill and destroy.
Also while I was separated from him I had two very clear signs that I specifically asked God for, that told me to continue with the marriage. So it must be possible to at least rebuild to a tolerable level. Right now though I am hanging on just with gritted teeth and immense devastation. My daughters anxiety attacks and emotional pains since the summer are intolerable and each day I can barely take any more evidence of the destruction in front of me. She is preoccupied with fears about being unwell and by the evening she comes out with various psychosomatic pains and needs a lot of reassurance that 'she will be ok'. I protected her for many years by not forcing a split but in the end i had no choice and this is what has caused this in my daughter.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2015 8:31:04 GMT -7
Elle, you are a strong wonderful woman who CAN do this. You wear your heart on your sleeve and are always most vulnerable. I can't say things will get better for the two of you. It's just not my place but I do know that you will refuse to let them get worse. One day one step. That's how life begins and ends. The in between stuff is what we have to figure out and I still don't have a clue as to how it works. God does and I ain't letting go of Him.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2015 8:36:30 GMT -7
I am specifically praying for your daughter right now. I'm so sorry she is going through all of these struggles. It seems so hard to see God's hand in all this I know, but He is faithful and he is more than able to handle everything going on in your life and in your family's life. Sadly we see so many times in Scripture where the sin of the parent (your husband) such as Adam and Eve and David bring much pain to the family. But even in those instances we also see God's redeeming power God gave Adam and Eve Seth after Cain killed Abel. After all of David's adultery lying and murder, God did take away the first baby with Bathsheba, and that was so tragic. Yet God then gave David Solomon, and even with all of his sin, he was the one to build the temple for God. God is in the business of bringing beauty from ashes. I just want to encourage you to cling to Jesus, keep seeking him you will find him and you will find wholeness that nothing can take away from you. “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:1-3
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2015 9:12:02 GMT -7
Elle, John and CMA have so eloquently said what is in my heart for you and your daughter that I only have one thing to add or ask and it isn't necessary for you to respond to this question. I only want to bring it to your mind to think about. Do you go to war in prayer for your husband? The movie War Room really opened my eyes to how I myself failed to do that for my ex. As soon as I found out that he lied and was into porn the hurt and devastation I experienced made me pull back from God on that front but I drew closer to God in trying to deal with my hurt. I became selfish in my prayers concentrating on me.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2015 10:41:57 GMT -7
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