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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2016 8:27:54 GMT -7
Paul Washer is an excellent preacher. He really delves into the subject and doesn't sugar coat things to make you feel better. He has some sermons on porn and sexual immortality that are really good.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 8:41:29 GMT -7
I'm still struggling with processing as things come back to me. I remember last winter , because he had been doing the Addo recovery program, and listening to affirmations. I noticed he wasnt listening to the podcasts anymore, wasnt listening to the affirmations. Now i know this was when he gave in to the whiteknuckling. But at the time I had raised concerns. He gave me lengthy explanation of why he had stopped listening. The programmes had gone more law of attraction' than biblical, he said. Turns out he stopped commiting to recovery because he had commited to addiction again. I raised concerns and he told me the recovery was spiritually no good, basically, he pulled out an explanation he knew I would not argue against. I wouldnt want him listening to new age stuff, after all.
I had concerns, whether he would relapse if he was not doing a recovery programme. "Did my 30 day fast mean nothing?" he would say. "What about when I heard Jesus knocking on my heart that night? I'm changed. I had an encounter".
All that time he was watching porn
My concerns placated with spiritual denial.
when i think of the ways he manipulated me to believe his false presentation, its terrifying. It was intentional destruction of my ability to discern. It was ruthless. And he made me feel like i was the one stuck in unforgiveness, or i was the one holding him in condemnation. "Why dont you try doing the affirmations" , he would say. "They really worked for me."
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 9:02:42 GMT -7
and then there's the big sacred cow that I cannot at any cost make him feel 'shame' for what he has done , because 'shame' feeds the addiction
I dont get it, i just dont get it, they should be well and truly ashamed of looking at what they look at. They point fingers at being 'shamed' in childhood when they looked at something perverted...well werent we all? Thats how we know its shameful to do these things, and we know they are wrong. The bible says its shameful to even speak /have knowledge of things that perverted people do! Yet we cannot , dare not, make an addict feel 'shame', else we are 'dangerous' to them. I dont get it.
So I cant say, as it dawns on me, You spiritually abused me! You used God to manipulate me! You lied to me with religion! No wonder I'm a spiritual mess! You were using Christ to do the devils work! No, because that would be condemnation.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 12:33:53 GMT -7
Are you in couples counseling? This would be a good thing to bring up there. Your hurts and concerns need to be addressed whether or not he wants to hear them. You could try writing it all down in a letter as that one counselor suggests that you have linked to on YouTube.
Another thing we need to remember...which I just encountered with my brother...is not to take the blame they try to shift in your direction. My brother tried to make it my fault that mom was worried about him b/c he was drinking. I was to blame b/c I told her the truth. I told him that he couldn't put the blame at my door...I didn't force the liquor down his throat. Addicts no matter the addiction act the same.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2016 19:29:50 GMT -7
and then there's the big sacred cow that I cannot at any cost make him feel 'shame' for what he has done , because 'shame' feeds the addiction I dont get it, i just dont get it, they should be well and truly ashamed of looking at what they look at. They point fingers at being 'shamed' in childhood when they looked at something perverted...well werent we all? Thats how we know its shameful to do these things, and we know they are wrong. The bible says its shameful to even speak /have knowledge of things that perverted people do! Yet we cannot , dare not, make an addict feel 'shame', else we are 'dangerous' to them. I dont get it. So I cant say, as it dawns on me, You spiritually abused me! You used God to manipulate me! You lied to me with religion! No wonder I'm a spiritual mess! You were using Christ to do the devils work! No, because that would be condemnation. Reading this post just turned a light on inside my head. Spiritual abuse/manipulation is exactly what my husband has done to me. I didn't really understand just how far the deception went until now. My husband never went to church with me and my daughter, but we consistently invited him. We prayed for 1.5 years, then he started going faithfully. He asked Christ as Savior, then got baptized and joined the church. I was ecstatic, and praised God to everyone for the answered prayers...my every dream and wish had come true, and I was overflowing with joy. Then less than 1 year later, I found out my husband had been cheating on me since BEFORE we were married. I found out that after he had been 'saved', he went for 6 months with no acting out, but then temptation came along, which eventually became a physical affair. Until then, he claims, it had only been sexting, emails, etc. I am certain that porn factors into that somehow, but he never admitted to it. Looking back, I truly believe all his attempts at church/spirituality were efforts to keep me duped, to keep me from finding out the REAL truth, to protect his dirty little secret which is the real god of his life. It has ALL been about protecting his comfort, his pleasure, his need for attention. All the love poured out to him by the church must have been an immense rush for him, not only did he have his trusting wife completely snowed, but now an entire congregation. I know that a salvation experience is between an individual and God, but there has been no lasting evidence, no fruit of the spirit, no exhibiting of any sorrowful repentance except those first few days when he got caught. Dear God, I am horrified that my husband is lost. This is the depth to which Satan will go to kill, steal and destroy our families. He will take a walk right in the front door of our churches and sit on the seat BESIDE us. He will cajole us into thinking that things are perfect, then watch and laugh as our world blows up from the inside out. He isn't even being subtle with the attacks any more, he is just flying in the face of God and His people. The ONLY way we can have victory over satan, the world and the flesh is with the blood of Jesus and the Sword of God's Word. And we must pray, pray, pray. It is a spiritual battle that must be fought at the Throne of God. Lord, please strengthen Ellekay tonight, give her a heaping measure of your spirit and grace. Incline your ear to her heart, and hear what it cries out even if she can't speak. Embrace her with the loving arms of a Father, hold her tight and let her feel Your presence. Hold her little ones, Lord...her daughter and the precious life she carries. Give her hope that your promises are true, even when we can't believe it or feel it. Still her mind, stop the continual thoughts that swirl and confuse her, keeping her in turmoil. Silence the voices of the enemy that threaten her peace, give her discernment to hear YOUR sweet, still voice oh God. Don't let her be confounded, but give her clarity, peace, rest, comfort, grace and surety of who she is in You. In Jesus name, amen.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2016 5:56:43 GMT -7
my husband disputes strongly that he was not saved during all this time of deception. The faith part was genuine. I believe he believed and thought his faith was saving in spite of his struggle, however i do not believe he was truly regenerate, convicted or saved, because i do not think the Holy Spirit would allow him to go to such lengths to cover his sins and continue in it, for 2 years or more. I believe if a Christian fails he is so convicted about it that he cannot help but confess and seek help and forgiveness. I dont believe someone indwelt with the Holy Spirit can sin then cover it with more sin and harm others in the process. However, as you say, salvation is between God and the individual.
I have to concentrate on that he has been convicted NOW, and to accept , if its true, that the power of satan has been broken in him, finally. However, I cant 'just' believe it, because of so much history of fake 'enlightenment' , or enlightenment that wasnt enough.
i feel very depressed, i dont feel like talking to people, or going out, housekeeping is overwhelming, i have never been very domestic and we dont have everything spick and span but even keeping it under control is a real battle. It makes me feel pretty useless because i dont do anything else, before at least i was contributing to the business running both home and business finances, now i am only a home maker and really terrible at that. I have quite a journey to take my daughter to school and i'm not even managing that with the morning sickness so having to call on my husband to do a few of the runs on top of his busy workload.
I dont much feel like there is any Holy Spirit or Christ alive in me, do you know what i mean? I dont have any joy joy joy deep down in my heart. I just feel emptiness . Do you think the Holy spirit can leave you if you get too depressed? I know it says he will never leave and forsake you. So why does it feel like my soul has gone out? Was I never saved either?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2016 8:30:15 GMT -7
I can at least answer you on one question being that I suffer with bipolar with a bent toward major depression. The Holy Spirit does not leave us when we are severely depressed unless you tell Him to leave and completely turn from Him. Why because at that time of depression we need His comfort more then ever. We may not feel Him but He is there working and comforting and pressing you to continue on and not give up. He is also prodding us to turn to God during this depression because We have a tendency to pull away from God.
Only you can answer the question of if you were truly saved or not. Have you felt the Holy Spirit working in you ever? Have you ever been convicted of things in your life and been prompted to change? The fact that you are questioning your salvation tells me that the answers to these questions will be yes. Are we perfect in our salvation once we have accepted Christ...no. We will experience times of "drought" and that just means we need to press in closer to God because we are going through a trial in our lives.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2016 12:43:52 GMT -7
Amen to everything Amy said.
Ellekey, I like you have wondered at times if the Holy Spirit has abandoned me completely. I have felt so encumbered and burdened by all of my responsibilities that I found it hard to breathe much less undertake the task of keeping a home, a 20-acre property and a full-time job out of the ditch. But what I've discovered during this fiery trial is that more than ever, I am God's child ESPECIALLY when I don't feel like it. It is at those times that Satan is trying to lure me away from the protective covering of God's wings. Satan is the father of lies, and no truth is in him. He will manipulate our minds and our feelings to make us doubt who almighty God is. Don't listen to him and don't fall for his tricks!
I too have struggled to regain any sense of joy or even fleeting happiness in my life. I know what the word says about Joy being a state of mind, but it's during those times in the deep dark Valley that we lose sight of those promises. The answer is to turn to God's word, and immerse yourself in it. I have had to force myself to stop my obsessing, and make myself pick up my Bible and read it. And without fail, every time, I come away with a new sense of hope. Allowing God to speak to us through his word is the key 2 avoiding that pit of despair. I am still in the pit, but I'm climbing up off the bottom rung by rung.
Like Amy said, it's hard to doubt in something that you don't have. From reading your posts alone, I have sensed great conviction in you not only over your husband's struggle, but your personal struggle to stay close to God. Some things are true whether we believe them or not, and I assure you that all of the promises in God's word are true. I love you and feel your pain, and will not stop praying for you. Our joy WILL return!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2016 3:21:23 GMT -7
Still processing. I remember , after safeguarding the laptop, my husband saying he was glad to see the covenant eyes logo, because it reminded him he was being watched, and to make the right choices. It made me feel relieved, and safe He said this, while he knew he could bypass it.
I just want to know why, why go above and beyond with voluntary reassurance , its like he laid it on over danger areas , intentionally making me feel secure in areas of risk, lulling me into a false sense of security . Really, he was saying to himself , "I'm glad that logo is there, because when its not there on the guest account that I hack into, it tells me its safe to cheat".
it just seems unnecessarily cruel to make all these comments knowing they pushed me further into his deception
it also really makes it frightening going forwards because i know what he is capable of.. every reassurance could be part of a deception
i dont think it is, now, but it is hard to act on that belief
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2016 4:13:23 GMT -7
Hi ellekay. I have CE and it is always activated no matter how i sign in. Im surprised to hear otherwise.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2016 5:22:19 GMT -7
should i say how he got around it or is that too dangerous?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2016 5:24:01 GMT -7
it might have been unique to our computer set up because i have found the same issue while installing other security and have had to spend significant time with tech support. possibly because our laptop is quite old and actually works better with older versions of the security software. i have had to install older versions of A2U because i found the same problem. CE / A2U would only 'half work' in any user account other than the last one i installed it in. If i installed it while in admin account, it wouldnt work properly in main user account. if i installed it in main user account, it wouldnt work properly in guest account. Like, actual porn video sites would be blocked, but not other blacklisted sites that had hundreds of pornographic images on. The ones i found out about through previous discoveries
i could not keep plugging the holes he punched in our boat. but he pretended he was journeying with me, helping me row
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2016 5:40:32 GMT -7
well i have to admit in always having a backup plan in mind but would eliminate them with help from my wife after acting out through them. I've come to a place where everything has been closed off or monitored by CE except a loophole that is in free WIFI hotspots so I have gotten rid of my iphone and my wife has control over my old ipod which i need at times for my work. I have to choose every time whether i stick to my boundaries or not. It has helped but i still nee to deal with my character issues.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2016 7:34:03 GMT -7
Elle how are you doing with your pregnancy? Are you still getting really sick? I would like to reiterate the need for counseling. It would help you process and deal with all you are experiencing.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2016 8:35:57 GMT -7
Amy that is one good thing I'm not feeling as sick just now. I had a scan on friday when i was exactly 8 weeks, and there was a heartbeat. My husband was unusually apprehesive beforehand and said hearing the heartbeat was emotional. Normally he is Mr Flippant "Nothing-could-possibly-go-wrong-so-why-are-you-so-negative?" so this is a personality change.
Sorry i didnt answer your question, we are in couples counselling with a Christian counsellor who is not airy-fairy-just-forgive-Christian. She understands the magnitude of the destruction and commends me for merely surviving each day, and my husband for staying and facing it. She doesnt make me feel guilty at all, and understands my need for extra-ordinary transparancy.
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