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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2016 3:27:12 GMT -7
i used to have nightmares about the truth. Now, i dream that its not true at all.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2016 10:47:05 GMT -7
From Journal to Healing and Joy website
For many wives, dealing with the reality that their husbands have been secretly acting out, again, can be overwhelming. You may have tried to cope for years by ranting, raging, crying and begging him to stop. Tears turned to resentment; resentment slowly dissolved into depression. Self loathing fills your being. You may have grown to hate yourself even more.
One day you wake up and realize you have the right to tell him:
“This is not acceptable. I will not share you sexually with other women either in magazines, online, in real life or in your head. It’s your choice. I will sleep only with my husband who is interested only in me. Make up your mind and choose.”
You once held the belief that it was your duty, your responsibility to forgive, forgive, and forgive yet again. Yes, there is a place for forgiveness and you are prepared to forgive. However, you have come to the place now where you will not be forced to reconcile when it is clear there is no true repentance.
You may need to give yourself some space so you can clear your head, rest, read, reflect and receive the support you need from wise counsellors, coaches and trusted advisors. You may need to take time away for private retreats where you sort out your head and heart during this very difficult time in your marriage.
One day you wake up and realize there is something
very wrong
with the life you have been living.
With God’s gentle grace
you
begin
to peel back
the veil
of deception
and lies
one
at a time.
If you are wise, you will reach out to wise and loving support. It might be your trusted friends, your 12 step sponsor, your therapist or coach. You may want to attend a workshop and participate in a support group related to what you are going through. Read everything you can get your hands on related to the topic of healing from sexual betrayal from a trauma perspective. And don't forget healthy self care in this process.
You will feel very very tired. Don’t be surprised at this. This kind of stuff is exhausting to deal with. You may lay in bed, unable to sleep. Your mind races to beat the bands. Pray for supernatural strength for each day. You will need it and He is faithful to supply. And don't isolate!
Yes, you are powerless over the state of your marriage, over your husband’s sexual addiction. He may have other addictions such as overspending, binge eating, and hoarding. It is true; you may be powerless to change others. However you are not hopeless and helpless. You may have been victimized by this scourge, however you don’t have to live the life of a victim.
You have a choice. You can make plans, set goals, take responsibility for your own life, make your own decisions and own your own recovery. You can learn how to be confident and assertive. Yes, you can persevere in spite of setbacks.
Yes, one day you wake up
and everything
begins to become
more clear.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2016 20:04:19 GMT -7
Hi Elle, just checking in on you. I pray you are doing well and sticking close to God. You are missed when you are silent for awhile.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2016 3:27:18 GMT -7
Hi Amy. Im not great. I'm really struggling with this new revelation (under intense interrogation) that he was never clean all the time i thought we were really moving forwards. When i thought we were reaping the benefits of a relationship based on honesty and commitment to purity. You know after i found out he had created a guest account to view porn at work, then we sold the business to 'get free from his stronghold', i had a technical expert come and make sure the same thing couldnt be done on the home laptop. Well he somehow found the password to the admin account and with a fairly elaborate system went in setting up , using , and then closing an untrackable guest account every time i went out to work. This was AFTER he had 'surrendered everything to live for the kingdom.' and he claimed he didnt remember doing all of this when i questioned how he had managed to use a guest account !!He claimed not to even remember a professional coming in and setting up the password..the password he later admitted to memorising for 3 months..... The deceitt is just mind boggling. ..he pleads compartmentalisation....seriously, can someone forget doing all that?
Apart from whether he really has holes in his memory or not is just the horror of finding out that while i was there battling and fighting to porn proof my home and willing to rebuild trust and fight all the terrible emotions I had, he was sabotaging my efforts and telling me whatever he thought i wanted to hear. Honestly, i truly thought we were in recovery but he was keeping me on this recovery journey under completely false pretences. I dont know how someone can even do that to another human being? You should have heard how gentle, compassionate and understanding he was. he took all the responsibility, was patient with reassuring me, showed me how important i was to him....and kept using porn the whole time? The whole thing was designed to lull me into a belief that he was something he wasnt, so i would get back to being a loving wife for him. Yet only now matters??? because he has stopped now?? He made so sure i didnt ever get the truth. His priority was never recovery. it was all about keeping me in the dark. I've been the victim of a most elaborate set up, at the hands of my husband, and now he is the only person I have to depend on. I cant even tell you what that does to a person.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2016 3:39:39 GMT -7
hi Ellekay. I can't imagine the pain of such betrayal. It's evil. I really don't even know what to say except I'm so sorry your trust has been broken my someone that should be laying down his life for you. I can offer my prayers and the hope that anything is possible with our Lord.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2016 4:31:17 GMT -7
Elle, hon I am so sorry you are having to go through this. You husband smashed your trust and heart. I could not handle what you are dealing with. You are a strong woman. Why is your husband the only one you have to depend on? Do you not have Christ and yourself?
I can not answer your questions hon only you and God know the answers to them. Listen to your gut instincts and pray. I know you are having problems with God...talk to Him about it...yell at Him...scream at Him. Just don't shut Him out.
I am praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2016 4:45:22 GMT -7
im not strong anymore. i feel like an empty shell. i've been struggling with just getting up and getting my daughter to school and back. it was bad enough before....and now i'm pregnant. after the horrible truth, hysterical bonding, i dissociated, imagined it wasnt real..., and now i'm so sick on top of everything else. ive never felt so ill before. i cant claim any benefits, sickness or maternity, because i wasnt in employment when i got trauma and pregnant sick. I cant get sickness benefit in lieu of job seekers, , because i have a property that i left let out in scotland, so that counts as savings. I'm left sick and completely dependent , and pregnant, and barely able to look after the daughter i do have.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2016 5:14:49 GMT -7
i also feel sorry for my husband, as he has to face up to what kind of person hes been and see the destruction its caused. Underneath all his lies was the fear of losing me, after all. he's gone to an intensive recovery course this week, and he went off looking very unhappy. Unfortunately i cant focus on much other than getting from one moment to the next, . but he mistakes my lack of attention to him as something to do with how i feel about him. its gone way past that though. i need him because i'm so unwell now. i have to place my trust in him yet again.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2016 5:24:35 GMT -7
Honey, my heart goes out to you. Hang in there ok? I was extremely sick during my brief time of being pregnant before I miscarried. Is there anything that works to settle your tummy? With me it was peppermint tea with sugar. Of course that just eased the nausea somewhat didn't help with the exhaustion and headaches.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2016 6:24:40 GMT -7
I actually called the doctor in emergency on Friday and almost got hospitalised as my ketones were high and blood pressure low. I got prescribed anti sickness meds which have helped a little but i still feel awful. Its not surprising though because i was in an extremely delicate state already. I had to take anti sickness pills last summer when i found out the 'relapse' . So if my reality makes me sick, its not surprising pregnancy would tip me over the edge.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2016 6:30:02 GMT -7
I wish I could give you a real hug.... Do the women of your church know? They might be able to help with cooking and such. I know that was very difficult for me...I told my ex on several occasions that he had to fend for himself. I was just to sick and couldn't handle the smell.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2016 10:40:48 GMT -7
Ellekay...I am so heartbroken for you. I am praying the blood of Jesus over you, your daughter and the little one you are carrying. I am so close to becoming a shell, but have nothing like the trials you are enduring. Please, PLEASE use the energy you have to take care of yourself and your daughter. I wish so much I could be there with you, to hold your hand and cook you a meal.
Know that there is someone who feels your hurt, your brokenness, your disappointment. His name is Jesus and He does love you although you may not be able to feel it right now. Sending love and prayers to the throne on your behalf.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2016 16:27:24 GMT -7
Hi Elkekay, So sorry to hear all you are going through right now. Focus on taking care of yourself, your growing baby, and your daughter. I'm glad you were able to get meds for the nausea. I was on Zofran my entire pregnancy and would not have survived without it. It didn't make the nausea go away, but it made it bearable...usually. Not sure what you are on, but be sure and get plenty of fiber while you are on anti-nausea meds. They can do a real number on your gastro system! What week long intensive did your husband go to? Just wondering if it's a step in the right direction to beginning a real road to recovery. I'll be praying for God to give you strength right now. Continue leaning on Him.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2016 5:25:33 GMT -7
Hope22 i think its the same medication- omdansetron? I have still been sick with it , some days more bearable than others. Today Im not nauseous (so far) but exhausted. I only get as far as praying "help me do better" as I fall into the pit of depression, because i know we should take our thoughts captive and praise in all ou circumstances, but i am overwhelmed.
the course is a Uk thing Paula Hall associates. They run couses for non-christians and christians separately, so they do not advertise as specifically Christian , because they want to help all people But the course my husband is doing is specific for men in ministry positions. I do wonder what is the point when he has so many experts and groups at his disposal before, and he could never even remember the facts of his addiction because his denial is so great. But he says he has changed now. Everything is different now. It is beyond my understanding that he could be christian 4 years and only REALLY get convicted of this sin this summer. Because, lets face it, its a choice to hack into accounts and all that kind of thing. Its a mind saying "I'll stop soon, i'll get on top of it....just not today" A convicted mind would have been asking for help to secure the loopholes that would trip him up, not secretly keep them in mind. But my point, if he isnt convicted the course would just be another in the pile of wasted time and money. And if he is convicted, he wouldnt really need it. But if it helps him from falling into the mind patterns and lies again, it will have been worth it. He says spending the money on it makes him determined not to let it be a waste. Money seems to motivate him more than his family, which is a concern of course. But if i have to be grateful that he doesnt want to waste money more than he doesnt want to waste his wife, well, thats what i have to be grateful for if it helps him stop, right? he also says his ministry job now is a huge factor in him staying clean. I wish i had been worth more than money and a job. I wish my daughter had been worth more than money and a job. But thats not how his mind works.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2016 23:19:21 GMT -7
Yes - that's the same medication. Glad it's helping you. I took extra fiber each day the entire time I was on it. It caused major issues for me when I didn't - so be sure and add fiber to your diet! That's a good step that your husband is taking. I'm so sorry that you have experienced such hope - and then let down from him. There's a sermon by Paul Washer that my husband found early on. It really convicted him that he was under the false assumption that he was a Christian. When he examined his life he saw that he was consumed with a pattern of sin that the Bible speaks of as damning. See Gal 5:19 and Col 3. I heard a pastor say that living obediently won't save us, only repentance and faith in Christ saves us. However, how we live - the pattern of our life gives evidence of our salvation. That really hit home with my husband - and with me as well. Here's a link to the sermon by Paul Washer if you are interested in watching it. Praying for you and your family... m.youtube.com/watch?v=cncEhCvrVgQ
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