KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 17, 2016 18:57:14 GMT -7
Ellekay,
The more you describe your husband, the more I see myself in him. I know that he separated himself from me a little, but if he is ever willing to reconnect, I would be grateful. I understand because I've been there. I think I still might have his email address if he's willing to receive any words of friendship and encouragement. At least let him know I said, "Hi." Thank you.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2016 17:58:12 GMT -7
Hi Elle, been praying for you. I pray you are hanging in.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2016 7:19:10 GMT -7
Hi Amy, yes, hanging in, getting through one day at a time . Thanks
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2016 8:50:18 GMT -7
How is the journey progressing? Anything I can pray for?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2016 13:32:35 GMT -7
turns out the long periods of sobriety and healing for the relationship were not periods of sobriety after all. Under interrogation i finally got the truth about when the summer 2014 'relapse' began. I had had not clear date because it was never really a relapse. It was a continuation of use since some point in 2013. My whole story needs reprocessing. There was never recovery/heal/relapse/recovery/heal/relapse. The 'good times' were just the times i didnt know he was still using. And yes, I have been asking the specific question about that time period for well over a year before finally getting the truth.
i passed on your regards KK. Feel free to email him. He's pretty broken at the moment.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2016 15:35:46 GMT -7
Elle I am sorry. It really hurts to be lied to. Maybe now that the truth is completely out, there will be real recovery and healing for you both.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2016 18:32:22 GMT -7
So sorry to hear this. How has he been accessing it?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2016 0:17:50 GMT -7
he's not accessing it now, but this refers to the time when i believed he was in a long period of sobriety and our relationship really seemed to be recovering well, spiritually, emotionally, physically. It came before a shocking relapse, that i discovered in october 2014, i was told it had been a couple of months during the summer holidays due to boredom. I never felt comfortable with never having concrete proof of the start date. In 2014/15 I used to have nightmares specifically about some information that was being witheld from me pertaining to a coupe of years earlier but he always denied it saying 'i know everything now' In march/april of 2015 i found written some notes for his SAA meeting where he had noted a relapse in november 2013. He said he had 'forgotten' and i 'knew everything now' He said it was a one off slip and that he had got himself back onto recovery until he fell badly again in the summer It wasnt consitent with what i know about his addiction but he insisted. yesterday i interrogated him again about that time and he admitted he was using it when needed, that whole time (oct 13-oct 14), by the time i found out it was pretty much daily.
So i started off thining he had an 18 month stretch. By chance i found out it was only a 12 month stretch. And finally, under interrogation i find out, there was no stretch of sobriety in our relationship, none longer than about 5 months anyway.
the times i aspire to get back to, where we were honest and healing, never even existed. He didnt want to face me rejecting him due to my pain, so he took the easy route, whenever he wanted. Easier than negotiating a hurrting wife. he had created a guest account on the work computer that the accountability programme kind of only half worked on. he was looking up images on a search engine where he would be able to see all the pictures but not click the links
I do think he is clean now. he says it was only the pain of losing us that affected the addiction. If addiction is a pan/pleasure thing (avoid pain of rejection, seek pleasure) then its true only pain can swing the balance. All my understanding and compassion and promising to work with him through this, was never going to work. He admits i probably should have left him years ago, it 'has done the job'
i have no reality .my history was just ignorance not reality. I dont see how i can build back trust without fear, intimacy without recoiling , despite understanding how this happened
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2016 1:24:36 GMT -7
Another couple of days and 'i know everything now' (hah)
so it wasnt just the clean period of oct 2013- june 14 that wasnt clean
the clean period after the relapse of oct 14-july 15 wasnt clean either
the period after 'the big one' where he said we would sell the gym and have our new start, the period i helped him apply for ministry jobs around the country
i found some stuff in old firefox files that might have been blocked ads, i couldnt figure it out, im not smart enough. It was folders called "pattern-back-up1" in configuration and from googling i knew it might have something to do with ads but there was no way all these urls could have been pop up ads, they were vile and ones i had seen before in lists
he swore he had never ever used this computer for relapses (it had new hard drive etc not years ago)
i only found out by explaining to him that in future i would need to use lie detectors instead of trusting his word.Then he 'remembered'
of course its in the past, before i left him, but still. very recent past. in our most healed most hopeful period
i wonder how much more reprocessing my past i can take
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2016 5:17:09 GMT -7
Trust is something that is very hard to regain once broken apart. A good friend once told me that trust and reconnection is a two way street in which both parties need to be heading in the same direction. Forgive me, but It seems like neither one of you trust the other. He won't tell you the whole truth for whatever reason unless "compelled" to do so and you have no reason to trust someone who is deceitful to your face. My prayers are that his heart and eyes will open and see the depth of destruction he is causing even now. Eventually he will because "everything hidden will one day be exposed to the light". Today God sees all that your husband has done and continues to do...did you catch that? God sees it. Your husband can lie and hide things from you that Will come out, but God knows it as it is happening. Any man of God worth something would take this to heart and stop sinning. Elle, I am sorry that my words are harsh and I sincerely don't mean them to be. I've thought long and prayed much over your relationship. May God do whatever necessary for all this to end. I wish you peace.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2016 7:24:55 GMT -7
Elle, hugs. I am hurting for you. You have gone through so much and this sin is continuing to take its toll. I so want to be there in person for you to offer you more support, friendship and a shoulder to cry on. Our Father in heaven knows my heart and He hurts even more for you. He can and will offer you more then I could. Go to Him. Pour out your hurt and anger to Him. Hang on to God.
John made a valid point about trust. It does have to be a 2 way street. You husband has to lead the way in this issue since it was his lies and sin that broke the trust. It doesn't sound like he is doing that.
Where ever God leads you to from here, I Will support you and keep you lifted up in prayer before our Father. Know that my heart is with in this hon. I love you as a friend and sister.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2016 8:30:17 GMT -7
Unfortunately for my husband he never grasped that all his lies would have to come into the light in THIS life. When i feel there is not truth, I will find out. When i don't know there is not truth, i will find out by chance or through habitual digging about. This is just how it is. I'm tired of digging and digging for the truth, which is why from this point on, i will let a lie detector do the work. I'm tired of being the 'revealer of hidden things'.
You are right my husband did not trust me with the full truth. He was scared i would leave him of i got any more information than i already knew. Unfortunately, I have seen so much and so many times, there is not much that could have happened in the past, to make it any worse than it already was. The only thing that can make it worse, is continuing to lie when i ask again and again and again about specific time periods or whether he accessed it on this or that device.
All the effort i put into securing the home computer, waste of time. wow, what a massive waste of energy, time and money. What a false security i had.
And even after "telling me everything" he still didnt trust me anough to really tell me everything. Although , and i do wonder if there is any truth in this, he says he forgets the exact where's and hows. because his addict mind locks it so far away and his addict sense of time and what-happened-when, means he really has 'forgotten' when i ask him the question (funny he looked so nervous when i mentioned the lie detector though, although he says he was praying for God to reveal it if he had used that computer)
the terror on his face when he asked if i would divorce him if he told me the truth. I told him not if it was before the summer, because all it did was add extra time and detail to the relapse i already knew about . But wow that is hard to know it began so, so soon after he sees me destroyed and collapsing in horror, yet again.....it didnt even put him off enough to whiteknuckle even for a while. That is beyond even the faintest understanding for me, and believe me, i do understand a lot about why he would hide things and all that.
I have two options. I can choose to try to believe that the summer separation changed everything, write off the entire marriage prior to that as a complete sham, all of it, even the recovery. Try to see him as a new person. And then use a lie detector periodically to ensure I am never so deceived again. Or I can assume that he will continue to lie and hide, keep wary, live in mistrust, dig through the computer continually, and at best have some surface level companionship and help with day-to-day living. Thats not much of a life for me.
You can see that the first option is the only way to restore a real marriage. But it is the hardest and most illogical thing to do given the history.
But God....right??
When Mary was delivered from seven demons did everyone treat her as if the demons could come back any minute? Would that have been fair?
But then, even the apostles didnt trust Paul for a good long time.
I thought i understood a lot about this addiction but knowing that actually, the only clean period in our 4 year recovery was 4 months at the beginning and this past 6 months since the split, is really hard to process. I thought we were on a recovery journey but we never were. And I also don't get how a 'man of God' can maintain so much darkness. Although I am told it can be so, I can't make any sense of it.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 31, 2016 16:20:34 GMT -7
i passed on your regards KK. Feel free to email him. He's pretty broken at the moment. I'll email him, now. Thank you.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2016 17:32:19 GMT -7
So sorry to hear all you are going through. An option you might want to consider is a full, written disclosure backed up by a polygraph. This is done under the direction and supervision of a sex addiction therapist. My husband did this at the beginning after I discovered a little of the truth. He didn't want to, believe me. But, the only other choice he had was divorce. He chose to go through the intensive therapy with polygraph. He hated every minute of it. Now, 5 years later, he says it's the best thing he ever did to start recovery, and recommends it to other men struggling with SA. He had never been truthful in his entire life, and for someone to whom lying has become second nature, it's a terrifying prospect to let the truth be known. It's a difficult thing as a wife to learn the whole truth; however, there is comfort in it - knowing you know everything. Then the real grieving and healing can begin. You mentioned your husband is in ministry. My husband was not in ministry, but really thought he was a "Christian" while he was living a life consumed by sexual sin. reading Matthew 7, Galatians 5, Collossians 3, Ephesians 4 really convicted him. The descriptions of a life consumed with sin described him to a tee, and he realized his entire life he wad never really living for the Lord. Only proclaiming to, while his actions were the complete opposite. He was destined for hell. It really brought my husband to his knees, which is just where God new he needed to be. I'll be praying for you both.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2016 19:25:37 GMT -7
I meant to write Ephes 5 (instead of 4) in the previous post. Oops.
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