KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741 
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 25, 2015 4:34:54 GMT -7
Hey BOM,
I'm no love expert, but I can't help but ask the question, "If she doesn't want you around, then why hasn't she divorced you and left already."
Frankly, finances can be used as an "convenient" excuse to stick around, when wives just simply desire their husbands to pursue and fight for them.
This concept is common in "chick flicks".
Please don't give up and walk away from your marriage until you've explored this avenue.
In fact, I dare you to do the Love Dare on her.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2015 13:12:10 GMT -7
KK,
Valid considerations however, I don't think they apply here. It isn't that she wants to divorce me right now...its that she needs some time to herself (minimum of 6 months) to heal, rediscover who she really is, and figure out what she wants. I actually get it. It is not like we are at each other's throats, its more like brother and sister. Can that change, yes, but there is no guarantee. I put her through a lot, a very lot, for the last 15+ years and I'm trying really hard to see things from her perspective for a change. There might be a time for the love dare, but I don't think now is that time. She needs "her" time first.
Its not that I have given up on the marriage. Its the above...plus, I need to continue fixing me so we can both see what lies ahead.
Does that make any sense?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2015 13:12:15 GMT -7
KK,
Valid considerations however, I don't think they apply here. It isn't that she wants to divorce me right now...its that she needs some time to herself (minimum of 6 months) to heal, rediscover who she really is, and figure out what she wants. I actually get it. It is not like we are at each other's throats, its more like brother and sister. Can that change, yes, but there is no guarantee. I put her through a lot, a very lot, for the last 15+ years and I'm trying really hard to see things from her perspective for a change. There might be a time for the love dare, but I don't think now is that time. She needs "her" time first.
Its not that I have given up on the marriage. Its the above...plus, I need to continue fixing me so we can both see what lies ahead.
Does that make any sense?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2015 13:18:55 GMT -7
I will be praying for you. I am glad you are going to meetings and hope they help you. I love Johnny Cash too. His testimony alone is awesome too as well as his music/hymns. I think it's good that you are giving your wife space and helping her out like you are. That I'm sure is a relief to her. Me and my H are separated in our home. I really need this break. I will be praying for your marriage. Thank you for the kind words HS3. I've read a couple of your posts and thought of responding, but not sure what to say. Your pain is so evident in your writing. I do think I understand somewhat because I see that pain in my wife's eyes on a regular basis. I guess the one thing I wanted to pass along is this: Though your hubby fell into the same trash I did, I tell you that I had no intention of hurting my wife. I didn't realize how it would make her feel. I didn't understand how my actions dishonored her, disgraced her, and discounted her. I was involved in my addiction well prior to meeting my wife. It was just part of who I was from my perspective. How wrong I was. I guess my point is that as hard as it might be, I hope you can get to a point where you do not take your husband's actions personally. I know that must sound stupid as you read this, but his issues are his, not yours. His issues likely have been around for a very long time, they are NOT because of you. You are a victim of his issues sure enough, but his issues are NOT your fault. I hope that makes sense. Regardless, I'm putting you in my prayers. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2015 13:24:49 GMT -7
As for my regular updates...still sticking to the plan. Still staying away from my past actions with no episodes of acting out. Yes, my mind drifts from time to time, but I am learning to control that. I certainly do not let my mind drift to the point of "thinking" about something I should not. No more day dreaming for me. No more fantasies for me.
Wife and I had a little tiff last night. She had a bad day and I am not the most sensitive guy. I just didn't understand what she was going through. So, we ended up ending the night on a not very good note. However, tonight when I got home from work, I sat down with her and explained my thoughts/feelings/intentions etc. We are back on the same page as far as the future. Though I do not like the thought of her moving out, I truly do understand it. So, as soon as I finish this degree (hopefully in next 30 days) I will be able to secure a couple online teaching positions. Assuming I can do that, I will then be able to cover our normal expenses plus the expenses for her getting her own place. I don't want her "having" to get a job at WalMart or someplace like that just to afford to get some time to herself. Time will tell, but that is the goal. It means she is stuck here with me for awhile longer, but at least she knows what to expect now.
So, that is my daily update. Last night was a downer, but I think today was much better. Bottom line, I am sticking to the program and renewing my mind. Tomorrow is my 3d SAA meeting. I'm looking forward to it.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2015 21:23:28 GMT -7
Have you read some of the articles posted by Mike for the women here?
My husband and I read these together and they helped him understand where I'm coming from.
For example, little triggers set me off.
And I just needed him to sit and listen without getting upset.
Let me go and grab the link here....
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2015 21:31:25 GMT -7
It's under the section of wives and marriages. These articles helped both of us understand what I was feeling.
www.blazinggrace.org/wives-marriages/
I know that techincally, this is the section for wives, but this articles helped both of us understand what I was feeling.
www.blazinggrace.org/healing-a-broken-marriage/
We have to go back often and read this one. There are times where I just want my husband to let me vent even if it gets a little ugly. I wanted him to be a part of my healing and if he wasn't going to at least let me vent my hurt then I told him I felt like our marriage was over.
I'm going to read your posts again later and add some more 'cause it's early in the morning.
Keep sticking to the plan! The devil is going to try and trip you up. I know he did my husband.
Take care. |
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 26, 2015 4:27:38 GMT -7
Great job sticking with you program, BOM. It's very encouraging to see you work so hard on this. You have a great spirit.
Lord, continue to provide BOM with your great wisdon and insight. Give him strength to walk through this challenging process. May your love flow continually through him and his family. We pray this in Jesus' name. Thank you and Amen.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2015 10:11:48 GMT -7
Went to my SAA meeting last night. Still appreciate the fellowship. I gain a lot by listening to what others have gone through...the roads they have travelled, the ways they have beaten the devil. I will continue to go.
Long week at work so I'm tired. Have the house to myself tonight. Its the Wife's BD. I offered to taker her out to dinner, but she wasn't interested. I am thankful that her daughter (my stepdaughter) called and wanted a girl's night out with her. They are going to dinner and a movie.
Wife found an apartment she thinks is going to be a good fit. It will be available the middle of May. She is really excited. Its nice to see her with this much life in her for a change.
I'm doing fine...just tired. Going to watch a ballgame or movie and just have a quiet evening.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2015 13:04:54 GMT -7
BOM,
Hope your Friday evening was good. You are certainly maintaining a good outlook on things that would bring lesser men down into a funk. Yes, the stories of others can help tremendously. SCF has many testimonials which were very instrumental for me in maintaining hope. Keep up the work and efforts and especially the faith in God.
Nikanor
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2015 12:04:15 GMT -7
Sunday Update:
Nik, thanks for the post. Friday was ok, nothing special. Was a long week and went to bed early as I recall. Sat wife went and officially applied for acceptance into the apartment complex she has found. I had to sign the app and use my credit scores as wife hasn't worked in over 10 years. Thankfully, everything flew without a hitch. She is super excited. She really likes the complex, though she hasn't seen her apartment yet. She won't till end of Apr, first of May when the current occupants depart. But, she has reviewed the floor plan and so far, loves the layout and where it is at on the complex. She is planning to move around the 15th of May.
Sat, while wife was taking care of apartment, I stayed home, did laundry, and cleaned carpets. Was a productive day. Today I got up and went to Church...have made it three weeks in a row now. Yay me! Was a bit overwhelmed again today...I'm convinced it was God just letting me know he is with me and has forgiven me.  It was a good feeling.
This afternoon, I watched a baseball game (Spring Training type) and fixed dinner. First good opportunity to do some grilling. They came out great.
I didn't sleep well at all last night, so hoping to go to sleep early tonight and tackle the world anew tomorrow. I'm doing alright. Sticking to the plan, keeping my eyes focused squarely on Jesus, and beating this battle one day at a time. |
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 30, 2015 9:36:52 GMT -7
BOM,
Thanks for sharing! It's great that you had a good sober 3 weeks. Sounds like you're finally making your life count. We're proud of you!
KK
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2015 13:24:29 GMT -7
BOM,
Not the most sensitive guy around? Well, sorry to tell you that you have company - me! I miss that boat more times than I care to count. I am learning though and trying to share my feelings and express appreciation but it's difficult. What is the Red-Green show's lodge pledge? "I am a man, I can change if I have to, I guess."
You are doing well, above all else - keep the focus on God and your relationship with Him. As you dwell on scripture you'll develop the fruits of the spirit which will reward you.
Hang in there. I hope you are getting as much encouragement from us as we are from you.
Nikanor
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2015 12:11:12 GMT -7
Nik,
My wife has called me "the Rock" for years. One of her biggest issues with me is that I am not sensitive. I have a very difficult time connecting on an emotional level. My therapist and I are working on that. I think I am beginning to understand why I've been that way most of my life. The porn didn't help...that along with some other issues have turned me into what is being called an Intimacy Anorexic. Or at least that is what my wife tells me. My therapist hates labels. I don't know what to call me except someone who was burnt badly several times as a youth and young man, so I learned to shut my feelings down. Not sure I will ever get that issue under control.
Oh, the Devil visited me the other night. Woke up in the middle of an erotic dream. In the past, I would have acted out. This time, I turned to God and did not. That was a good feeling. I've been able to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and that is helping significantly.
Life goes on...one day at a time.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2015 12:03:53 GMT -7
Friday night after a fairly long week. Didn't sleep well last night. Dog was very restless and kept me up most of he night barking a tumbleweeds. Such is life on the prairie.
Went to the SAA mtg on Thurs. Was a good night. I had been wondering if it was really for me...questioning why I was going. It seemed like many in my group have issues that are much more serious than mine. But, I stuck to it and I'm glad I did. The reading for the night really hit home and proved to me that there is definitely something there for me. I need not compare my issues to those of others. The key is that I find help and the group provides that. On top of that, there was a new member there that was really hurting. After the meeting I made it a point to go talk with him. Seem we have a bit in common. I'm not sure my talking helped him a lot, but I think he appreciated the fact that I tried. Another reason for me to keep going to the meetings.
Easter Weekend. I'm looking forward to Church on Sunday. Can't remember the last time I went to Church on Easter. Sad to say, but true.
No big issues this week. Sticking to my plan and having no major issues doing so...which I owe directly to God and his presence in my life. Without his help, I know I would not be where I am. For the first time in a long time, I have a feeling of peace about me.
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It was a good feeling.