KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 11, 2023 7:25:09 GMT -7
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 11, 2023 13:09:54 GMT -7
Day 96. Working on my car. Changing a wheel bearing. And it's a difficult repair. But so far, I'm halfway done. Thanks to my wife, who was praying while pulling the ball joint loose. I've done this repair before, and it sure helps to have experience. Last time, it took me over 3 days. Maybe, I'll get this done today. But we'll see. I'll keep praying. That's a good idea. Pray without ceasing.
So my toxicity level is at 4 now. Good place. No lust, no fantasy. Almost to triple digits, and I feel confident that I'll get through this. Have a blessed day everyone.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 13, 2023 13:51:13 GMT -7
Day 98. Yesterday I finally finished fixing my car. Unfortunately, I found out that I also needed to replace the hub and the ball joint. I forgot from last time that needing to replace all three was a common occurrence. But my car runs good now. Back to work. Hoping to make some money this week.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 15, 2023 21:21:08 GMT -7
100 days again.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 15, 2023 21:24:01 GMT -7
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 21, 2023 9:01:52 GMT -7
Day 105.
I'm feeling more walking in the spirit now. Yesterday was a good day, but throughout the week, I'm guilty of having a toxicity level of 5. That means that at least once per day, I was guilty of lust or fantasy or both. Most would say that's pretty good. Abstained from lust and fantasy for 99% of my day. But if I was walking in the spirit, my TL level would have been 3 or 4.
Over the past month, I've gotten to enjoy not lusting or fantasizing. There is no value to it. So I'm guilty of forgetting about God throughout my day. Not paying attention to Him, not continually abiding in His presence. Trying to achieve holiness in the flesh.
That's not the kind of relationship that God wants to have with me.
I've still been relying on my flesh. Yesterday, at Simple Steps, we discussed how often when we have a problem, we try to fix it ourselves. We only come to God as a last resort. Instead, we should be coming to Him first.
On a different note, my wife got triggered by some other woman at Simple Steps. This person has a problem with using her body as attachment. So she often wears tight fitting clothes that show her off. My wife warns me to look to a different direction, but my reaction time was not quick enough. And this person walked by. Yet, I didn't look at her. I didn't look at any woman that night. But my wife suspects that I can check out women through my peripheral vision. And she was not happy that I didn't look away fast enough.
Honestly, I've never been able to lust after someone who's only been in my peripheral vision.
But I can see her concern. She's witnessed me check out women in her presence many times. Her getting triggered is a result of my bad behavior.
Next time, my wife gets so triggered by her presence, I'm going to suggest to my wife to do what I do. Stop checking her out. Don't look at her. I'm certain that she's going to get upset by that response. But I don't think she likes getting triggered. It bothers her a lot. If by not looking keeps me from lusting, perhaps doing the same will keep her from getting so bothered.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 21, 2023 11:30:33 GMT -7
Thinking more about this particular woman that's triggering my wife. I honestly would not have noticed her presence if my wife never pointed her out. But I'm seeing her concern. She said that the way she's dressing might encourage other women to do the same. That makes sense. I would not expect women to dress provocatively at church, but not for the obvious reasons.
The most common argument against it is so that she doesn't tempt men to lust. But that's not my biggest concern. My biggest concern is not how she's dressed, but WHY.
It took me a very long time to discover that using my body as an attachment pointed to my subconscious toxic shame manifested by my desperate need to get validation. This shame is incredibly destructive. It will undermine and sabotage my recovery from porn. But by identifying it, and working on it, the process of sanctification continues to grow. Women use their bodies as attachments too. And the vast majority of them are not aware that they are carrying shame. It's very subconscious. And using the body as an attachment reinforces the toxic shame. Dressing in a provocative manner actually harms herself. And my behavior of checking her out actually harms myself because I'm seeking validation in return which reinforces my toxic shame.
Jesus doesn't want us to walk in shame. He wants us to walk in a new identity in Him. Recovery from shame means that we have to stop all shame-enducing behaviors. And that includes dressing in a way that is more modest.
I think I might want to discuss this with the group leaders so that we work to educate one another about this.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 23, 2023 11:43:05 GMT -7
My counter will hit day 108 in 30 minutes. Anyways, I needed to share. Last night I triggered myself with some YouTube content. And that led to me fantasizing last night and through the morning. Toxicity level 5. Pray to the lord. Recognized that I was exposing my eyes to too much. Even content that's innocent in nature, if there's women, I got to be careful with that. My YouTube is already on restricted mode. If I take restricted mode off, that's a reset for me. But even then, I have to be careful. I don't want to heat up my brain too hot.
Last week, I noticed my wife and daughters were watching a Disney show. And on the show, there was a scene where a group of boys were gawking at some girls walking up to them. Their mouths were wide open and everything. I stopped paying a whole lot of attention to the show. So I didn't notice much of it. As I said, I'm trying to be careful of what I expose my eyes to. But I said to myself. Why would a Disney show be normalizing objectification of women? Perhaps because this was a Hispanic show. Everyone was talking in Spanish. Maybe in those cultures, this behavior is more normalized. Still, I'm a little confused with all the mixed messages in this world. If women don't like being objectified, why are we encouraging it on a kid's show?
This morning and afternoon I've been a bit better for me when it comes to lust. My toxicity level is at 3. And that feels good. Have a blessed day everyone.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 25, 2023 6:52:35 GMT -7
Today, I'm reminded of the main building block behavior I've been guilty of all of my life. As a child, l learned very early on to use sex fantasies to soothe me of my pain. Whenever I felt lonely, angry, sad, someone was upset with me, had a setback, a trial, lost in a boardgame, bored during a long drive, I would use fantasy to alter my mood. I was very effective with it. And fantasy with MB in my teen years was a nightly habit to put myself to sleep. I didn't realize how destructive the practice was. I didn't realize that I was opening the door to PMO addiction. I didn't realize that I was reinforcing my toxic shame. All I knew was that I was sinning against God for thinking such thoughts. But I wasn't aware of the damage I was causing myself. As a child, I just didn't know better. I do now, finally.
Last Monday night, I got pulled over by a cop and received a Scott's Law citation. That means that I passed the cop car too close while he was pulled over with his lights flashing. I should have changed lanes and passed him in the left lane. But there was traffic in that lane, and I did not feel safe to do so.
A Scott's Law fine is pretty serious. If convicted, the fine will be over $750. But the penalty can reach up to $10,000. And I could be issued community service. That's up to the court to decide. This requires me to appear in court. So I'm getting a lawyer. He believes I have a good chance.
But this upset me a great deal that night. I did exercise caution by slowing down considerably. And I passed the cops trying to leave as much room as I possibly could. Cars were on my left and behind me at the time. I drive a lot for my job. I cannot afford a conviction. I don't think it was fair.
You want to know what I wanted to do? Fantasize. I thought about it. A fantasy wouldn't hurt. Just like an alcoholic. One drink won't hurt. Nope. I already know the drill. One fantasy will hurt. It will lead to another. Then to P-subs. Then P with MB. Then to a out of control cycle on the hamster wheel where I continue to chase a new high. And my wife will suffer as well. So no lust, no fantasy to cope with the sadness of getting that ticket. It's not going to help. Fantasy will only make things worse for me. Day 109. No PM.
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Post by savedbygrace on Jan 31, 2023 13:14:50 GMT -7
Thanks to God you won the big battle already!!! Don't give up.
I join you in prayer that the court will consider all of the factors involved and realize that you did the best you could in the situation. And that God will give you peace of mind as you wait. Take care of my brother, I pray! Amen
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Post by iamfree on Feb 1, 2023 5:28:25 GMT -7
Joining with you in prayer that the situation will be overturned. Also, rejoice with you in your victory! Jesus is awesome!!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 10, 2023 7:11:11 GMT -7
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 18, 2023 6:11:31 GMT -7
Today is day 133, and it's my birthday. Happy 52 to me.
So I'm working today. I have to. I've looked at our financial situation and it's true that I need to bring in a lot of money to meet our expenses. So I'm working. My family and wife are sad. But I can't be falling any more behind on bills.
Last week, I confess to lusting and fantasizing. All week, my toxicity level was at 6. I didn't like that. I also confess that I was trying to walk on my own strength. Not abiding with God all through the day.
This week was different and better. Not perfect, but I was deciding to keep praying. Got distracted a lot, but was turning and connecting more. My toxicity level went down slowly from 5 down to 3 yesterday over the week. I feel relieved. Relieved to not feel the danger of myself creeping towards a relapse.
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Post by savedbygrace on Feb 18, 2023 15:08:39 GMT -7
Thanks be to God!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 19, 2023 5:36:08 GMT -7
Yeah, my chronic relapsing has been like a broken record. Always falling into the same pile of dirt. This time, I'm not white-knuckling it. I'm not craving all the time. And each day that goes by, it's actually getting easier. Whereas before, it was getting harder. Recovering alcoholics learn that they can never moderate. They learn that they can never get into the ring with alcohol. So they choose not to take that first drink. I never got how that applied to me. Of course, I can never justify one porn session. Few porn addicts would. But I was not going deep enough. I should never be getting in the ring with lust to begin with. By choosing to say, "No," to the first look or first thought, there will never be a second, or a third, or a fifth, or an eighth. I'm feeling very hopeful about the next months to come.
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