KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 13, 2022 12:18:25 GMT -7
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 18, 2022 1:35:17 GMT -7
I was humbled as I read another person sharing from the heart this bondage to P and M. It seemed that this person was only starting the journey. Knowing how long it's taken for me to get freedom, what more can I do or say to speed this process along? Probably nothing. Only show support and welcome. And encouragement to not give up.
Looking back, I cannot imagine myself taking any sooner to break free. Why do some seem to recover quickly while others like myself, take decades? Some never. Meanwhile, relationships continue to crumble and the aftermath leaves me with a huge pile of messy pieces to cleanup and put back together.
I suppose this is not a race to see who can break free in the quickest time. This goes for SO's as well as PA's. I should not be so hasty to fix others when I, myself, took such a long time to get where I am now. And that would not have been even possible without God's help.
In order to break free and let go of all lust and fantasy, God had to uncover and reveal my shame, my faulty paradigm, and the high amount of value that I was placing on my DOC. And that was a process that took much time. I perceive that others will have a similar process.
So I resolve to be more gentle, and patient with others around me. I accept God's timing. I'll remain hopeful and helpful. Is this grueling process of sanctification worth it? Absolutely! Never give up. It's completely worth it. If freedom doesn't happen for awhile, don't lose hope. Never give up. It's worth it.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 19, 2022 6:48:37 GMT -7
Yesterday, after our gig. Our family when to a ball and banquet. Our youngest daughter was a Junior miss in our city and we were invited to join in the festivities.
Historically, I've referred to myself as the Scope master. Always scoping the room for women, a shame-based validation seeking behavior. I'm certain that, over the years, I've embarrassed my wife many times with my oggling. Yesterday was not one of those days. Accepting this messed up flesh of mine. As our Simple Steps director recently said, "The less we trust in ourselves, the more we trust in God." I did not look at any of the women. Except those that were in our circle like sitting at the table. I can't be rude. But no lust was there. I wonder if my family noticed a difference. They probably did. It was a level 3 day. My daughter received a trophy yesterday. That made her feel good.
Today, I have to fix a bad tire on my car. Then I Christmas shop with my wife before going to work. Everyone have a blessed day.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 19, 2022 11:07:57 GMT -7
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Post by Will on Dec 21, 2022 5:04:09 GMT -7
Hi Kevin. Hallelujah for your blessed and successful day! I know that is NOT easy to go to a social function and maintain custody of your eyes the whole time. I have had some terrible lapses at Church, and I don't even know what to do about it. I believe the longer I stay sober the less this will happen, but it's awful when it does.
"The less we trust in ourselves, the more we trust in God." Love this!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 21, 2022 9:55:03 GMT -7
Hi Kevin. Hallelujah for your blessed and successful day! I know that is NOT easy to go to a social function and maintain custody of your eyes the whole time. I have had some terrible lapses at Church, and I don't even know what to do about it. I believe the longer I stay sober the less this will happen, but it's awful when it does. "The less we trust in ourselves, the more we trust in God." Love this! I've learned the secret. That it's easier to just simply not look. To say, "No," to the first look. Then there won't be a second, or a third, or a fifth, or an eighth. It's simply easier for me to not look, than to look without lusting. A whole lot easier. So for every time, when I'm at the store, or a public event, or at church, I don't look. So I don't lust. I don't even know what most of the women are wearing. Keeping a prayerful attitude helps a lot. Walk in the spirit. Not in the flesh. This messed up flesh of mine cannot be trusted. I'm done trusting it. And if I don't lust, I won't crave. And if I don't crave, I won't cave. Game over. I win.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 21, 2022 10:02:52 GMT -7
I must confess that I entertained fantasy last night before going to sleep. For a few minutes. I stopped, but that was a skirmish that I lost. At the moment, I was not thinking of the harm that I was doing to myself. Opening the gateway to further lust and fantasy. Which would lead to acting out. And less attraction towards my wife.
For what benefit? There is none. I'm deluding myself if I think it feels good. The fix always follows with more shame, despair, anxiety, stress. For many years of my life, I used fantasy along with MB to "soothe" myself before going to sleep. It's an ingrained pattern. Last night, I was in the flesh. I think prayer right before I sleep would be extremely helpful.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 21, 2022 16:41:02 GMT -7
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 22, 2022 8:18:38 GMT -7
Enjoyed another level 4 day. No lust, no fantasy. I sometimes wish for level 3 days, but level 4 is still great. So yes, this messed up flesh of mine still wants to look, to check out women. Knowing the temptation is there, I still don't succumb. I just take it as confirmation that my flesh cannot be trusted. So I don't.
My time with God has been improving. I did pray before bedtime. My flesh wants to fantasizes. But I didn't. Instead I prayed. I read my Bible in the morning, and I look forward to dwelling in God's presence today, while I continue cleaning the house. Looking forward to Christmas, but I'll be glad when it's over.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 22, 2022 8:21:15 GMT -7
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 25, 2022 6:42:01 GMT -7
Yesterday, was a level 3 day. Christmas Eve. Life still has problems. Our son finally came home. We've been cleaning like crazy. My wife is working so hard on cleaning. It's a lot of work and a lot of money. But it's good to see the house clean on the inside once in a while. Just like it's good to see myself clean on the inside too. One can give me all the money in the world, but one priceless treasure that I've recently received is the gift of sanctification, purity, and sobriety. Jesus' gift of forgiveness is a better gift, yes. But it feels amazing and free to know that I can live a life that is not only pleasing to God, but to myself and others. The willingness was there to stop porn. I just didn't know how. The inkling to still fantasize is still there, but I now know the dangers of letting such thoughts into my soul and thus leading me astray. I am free. That is the best gift ever. Merry Christmas everyone. Wishing everyone a blessed day.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 25, 2022 6:47:37 GMT -7
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Post by Will on Dec 27, 2022 9:15:04 GMT -7
Hey Kevin! Wonderful and inspiring stuff bro. Yes I get you with the no looking thing. Absolutely agree and that is my policy also (though perhaps less successfully - without quite a lot of focus and concentration, my eyes still jump to things they shouldn't, before the realisation kicks in and I take them away). But yeah my problem is not conscious looking, its like a nervous thing of fully unconscious - even when I'm specifically trying NOT to look, my eyes have darted 'there' without me wanting them to. So bad. It IS getting slowly better though, as I get more sobriety praise God. I'm hoping this is a muscle memory of my eyes looking 'there' online, that has transferred to real life, and that will slowly learn different instincts as those old neural pathways get superceded.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 28, 2022 22:22:40 GMT -7
Will, I can totally understand the whole subconscious thing about needing to notice every woman in sight. Automatically glancing. That's common. Fred Stoeker recommends just bouncing the eyes. For me, practice makes perfect. I'm getting pretty good at not giving myself permission to glance or notice. It helps that I have some good reasons to keep custody of my eyes. 1) By giving myself permission to look, my flesh cannot help but lust, and then my brain heats up to a higher toxicity level. Which, in turn, leads to relapse. 2) Checking out women reinforces the toxic shame within myself and this desperate pang to get validation from them. By choosing to abstain from this, I'm demonstrating that I'm a person of value and worth. 3) I understand that lust has no value. No benefit. After an episode of lust, I'm left in a state of deprivation. I'm feeling more lonely, stressed, anxious, craving, obsessing. And one look turns to lust. And then I'm just left wanting more. 4) My wife hates my oggling. She hates it! Embarrassing. I wonder how many wives feel the same way. 5) Choosing to not look, and thus not lust, increases the joy and pleasure that I have in my own wife. I'm not comparing her to another. Lust takes away my joy in monogamy. 6) And even though I know better consciously, my flesh still wants to stray. I cannot trust it. The fact is, after knowing all of this, I can't stop lusting or fantasizing. I just can't. At least, not in my own power. I need to tap into God's power. And to do that, I must surrender my entire will, life, thoughts, eyes, every second to Him. He is my master. I serve Him continually. And thus, by walking in the spirit, I'm not gratifying the flesh. Yet I've still need to grow in this area. Too much of myself is in the flesh each day. But that's the goal and I'm shooting for that. It's either choose to serve God wholeheartedly or continue to fail in the flesh.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 11, 2023 7:18:17 GMT -7
I lost another battle with fantasy last night. Why do I think that fantasy won't hurt? It's a dangerous thing for me, opening the door to more lust, fantasy, and acting out. I take every battle seriously now. I repent Lord. Thank you for your forgiveness.
And Iris, it's not good for me or for you or for our relationship that I think and entertain thoughts of any other woman except you. You are my one and only. And I ask forgiveness from you.
I don't win every battle with lust and fantasy. But I believe that I will win this war. I'm winning more battles than I'm losing. But I don't want to lose any battles. I admit that I've been walking in my own strength and flesh too much. Not practicing God's continual presence in my life. That's a bad thing. My flesh cannot be trusted. Not for one second. Currently, my brain's toxicity level stands at 5.
I have something to confess. Last October, I reset. I had crossed numerous boundaries including turning off my safe browser and restricted modes on the web and YouTube. And I was viewing sex sites while having the images turned off so that I wouldn't get lit up by Covenant Eyes. And I was typing in search terms that were considered hunting and seeking behavior. And then thinking that at least I didn't relapse because I didn't look at any pornographic pictures and MB. But as I viewed my boundaries, I realized that all of these were level 9 behaviors. And my brain was in a fog. And I was so disappointed in myself. I'm glad I didn't go to level 10. But I was disappointed in myself. Level 9 is a reset for me.
Since then, I've had a few days where my brain's toxicity level was at 7. And one day where it went to 8. For the most part, my TL has been at 4, sometimes 3. Anyways, I wanted to get that off my chest. My sobriety date is October 7, 2021. Which means I'm at day 95.
Thanks everyone.
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