KevinesKay
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Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 12, 2015 2:18:18 GMT -7
Thank you, Steve. What you shared was very encouraging. I hope that I will get to hear from you more. Keep up the good work!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 12, 2015 2:29:33 GMT -7
Hello everyone, I wanted to share with you my Disaster Recovery Plan. I've already sent it to myself via PM. In case I slip or relapse, I intend to open it and follow its instructions.
Hopefully, I won't need it. But much of these words were written by myself about 10 years ago, and they offer me a lot of wisdom. Let me know what you think.
Disaster Recovery Plan
Hi Kevin! This letter is from yourself. If you're opening and reading this letter, well then, chances are you've just acted out. And you're probably feeling pretty cruddy right now. Actually, you're in pain whether you feel it or not. Well first of all, I want you to know that this really isn't a disaster. You just had a slip or relapse. That's all. And Kevin, I want you to know that you are loved. So try not to beat yourself up too much. You're powerless. You cannot control the addiction no matter what you do. God probably wants you to learn something from this experience. Perhaps, there are some resentments that you need to admit. I would encourage you to write some of these down.
Remember not to go head to head with the addiction. It's much more powerful than you. Abide in Jesus, and let Him be the one to set you free. Right now, you owe an amends to yourself. So please do the following ASAP. It's important that you do this completely in order to renew self-love and self-trust. When you're done, at the very least, you will have gained a good feeling of accomplishment.
First, admit your acting out to the Blazing Grace forum.
Next, admit it to your wife.
Talk to at least two trusted friends on the phone that same day.
Spend some time that day in prayer, in reading the Bible, and worshiping with your guitar.
Workout within the next 24 hours.
Spend some quality time with your family within the next 24 hours.
Spend some quality time with you wife with the next 24 hours.
Read this letter, your boundary sheet, your goal sheet, your power gratitudes, and your affirmations every day for the next 90 days.
Call a friend, go to church, or participate in a group, every day for the next 90 days.
Set aside some time to pray with your wife every day for the next 90 days.
Continue to dedicate a morning quiet time for prayer, reading God's Word, and worship every day for the next 90 days.
Sign up for a Setting Captives Free course.
Also, work diligently on your To-Do list. This would be a great opportunity to shoot for a 40+ point week. Remember, that this is all for your own good. You need to make an amends to yourself. Give yourself a 24 hour medallion. It stands for gentleness. Remember to consistently be kind to yourself. Don't insult and belittle yourself. Instead, talk you yourself in a loving, kind, gentle manner.
During your first year of recovery, you said something very wise. You said, "My sobriety is not an ultimate definition of my recovery." Sobriety is a nice gift, but that's all. You don't need it, and God is not obligated to give it to you. What's really important is the life behind it. If you don't use your opportunities to grow as a person and discover other goals and dreams in your life, then the sobriety is empty. It means nothing. But if you been doing things to make your life count, than loss of sobriety cannot take that away. Keep this at heart. Thus, a good recovering person will not let a slip or relapse affect his or her life. Pick yourself up and continue on as normal as you can.
Oh, I know what you're thinking. Don't let the despair of a slip or relapse drive you to act out more thinking, "Well, I've already acted out once. I might as well get it out of my system for the week before I clean myself up!" I would be so pleased to witness you doing otherwise. Choosing to get back on the path of recovery without delay is a sign of growth and maturity. Take this fact to heart, and consider this an opportunity to display such qualities. Well, see you later. I wish you all the blessing from the Lord Jesus! I'm proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself.
With self-love,
Kevin
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2015 7:22:06 GMT -7
KK, COOL!!!! Nikanor
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 14, 2015 14:49:08 GMT -7
Okay folks, As you know, I've been doing the Love Dare. Here are some updates:
I've been challenged to offer myself more sexually to my wife. Knowing that I can be sexually anorexic, I noted that there could be some challenges. But I know that this is something that I want to change in my relationship. My wife commented that I shouldn't quickly award myself a wife point unless I'm make myself sexually available to her.
Another challenge dared me to commend her for demonstrating Christian character in a noticable way. She encouraged me to sit in the front of the church last Sunday. My new friend was sharing to the church his experience with pornography and what steps he did to protect himself and his family. He noticed that we were there in the front to support him, and he appreciated that. I praised my wife for taking the initiate to do that.
Another challenge dared me to find a marriage mentor. I have since gotten one person, but I want to seek out at least 2 more marriage mentors in which I can share with how my marriage is going.
Another challenge dared me to read the Bible daily. And throughout these past several weeks. Myself and my wife have been in the Word daily.
I'm actually almost through the Love Dare. I can't say I did it perfectly, but I'm glad for the progress that I've made. And I hope to continue loving my wife unconditionally. I recently discovered that my wife is doing the Respect Dare. So we'll see how that goes.
Most of my days now start off with a quiet time for God. It's usually comprised of prayer, Bible reading, and worship with my guitar. When I miss it in the morning, I get anxious to get it done before the end of the day. I'm getting much better at my playing. I've played my guitar more in the past 2 months than I have in the previous 2 years or longer. Pretty wild, eh?
I guess there is much more to porn addiction than just the porn. I mean, how do I address the addiction without addressing and managing all of these other areas of my life? Thanks for being there. And may the Lord keep blessing you all. Kevin
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2015 22:13:40 GMT -7
That all sounds very good Kevin, you've covered all bases. Keep up the good work. Steve
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2015 2:09:30 GMT -7
KK, A wonderful report and progress. You are so right, there is much more to porn addiction than the porn. It is not only gaining victory over porn but it is the movement towards more closely following Jesus which if we do that correctly shows more fruit of the spirit in our daily living. We become less prideful, less self-centered, more servant minded, other focused, calm, kind, loving, patient, and forgiving to name a few. We need other people (men in our case) to help us stay focused on the goal and wining the race set before us. Unfortunately this life is a continual movement away from porn and towards Jesus and is not a once and done effort but a life-long continual battle and journey. You can do it and I can do it and all of us can keep running even when we are exhausted and want to give up - that is when the help of others is most valuable and needed. So, keep up the good work - don't slow down or think you can take a break now. Catch your second wind and keep on running. It is not just about you, God, and your gaining victory over porn but also and probably equally loving your wife in ways that enrich her and make her joy complete just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her with his life. Nikanor
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 15, 2015 7:12:02 GMT -7
Thank you to Steve and Nikanor for your great replies. During the past couple of months, I had the chance to read all 4 Gospels. And while reading Luke, there was something that caught my attention that I never recognized before.
At the last supper, Jesus tells his disciples to go buy swords. They respond that they have 2. Anyways, I noticed that the disciples were getting themselves ready to fight a physical war to take over Jerusalem. And later, when Judas led the Pharisees to take Jesus away, they believed that then was the time to fight. Peter even cuts someone's ear off. And then Jesus rebukes him. What's going on?
As I was reading, I was understanding that the disciples had missed the battle. Jesus was fighting the real battle on his knees saying, “Not my will, but yours be done, Father.†And several times, Jesus found them sleeping. “Keep watch and pray; the spirit is ready, but the flesh is weak.â€
I, myself, have caught myself fighting the wrong battle. So I recognize that by concentrating on my spiritual growth through prayer, worship, reading the Word, fellowshipping with other believers, I realize that that's where the real battle is. And if I miss the that battle, then my flesh has to fight a losing tooth and nail battle against its desire to act out with pornography and masturbation. Some of us have referred to that as “white knucklingâ€.
So if you ask me if this is hard. Well, it's hard for me to make it a habit to keep my quiet time every morning with the Lord. It's hard to play my guitar every day. It's hard for me to spend quality time with my wife and family. It's hard to practice outreach by going to church or making a phone call to friends.
But it's not as hard as fighting my addiction; which is something I've not been doing during this time.
I understand that sometimes I've just got to grit my teeth and get through the temptation, but that is not my main strategy. My previous experience has taught me that mindset only goes so far and so long.
I try to avoid the word deliverance in sharing my experience. Because, many times, I've given others the impression that I was delivered only to fall back into my old self again. But currently, there are no demons tormenting me. And if they are around, they are not feeling very good. One day, I had a friend from my 12-step group needing a place to stay for the night. And I invited him to stay overnight at my place. Being that he was a chronic relapser, I ensured that my place was pretty “addict-proofed†giving few ways to act out. But he must have noticed that my life was not just about avoiding the addiction. Sometime later, he said to me that he could see 4 angels surrounding me as I was sleeping in my bed that night. And right now, I feel the presence of angels in my life. So if you ask me if I have received deliverance, I suppose I have. But I also understand that if I do not make a decision to abide in Jesus every day, I'm inviting those same demons back into my life again. And they'll probably bring some reinforcements.
These past couple of days, my wife and I have noticed that our 7 year old daughter is starting to get up in the morning to pray and worship God with her new ukulele. Pretty cute, eh? She's noticing that I've been doing it, and it's encouraging her. I guess my decisions do affect those around me, whether good or bad.
I put a lot of work into my boundaries. My inner and middle circle boundaries give me clear understanding of what is not permissible. Crossing any of my inner circle boundaries is automatic loss of sobriety. For instance, if walk into a XXX bookstore and immediately walk out without seeing anything. Well, that's loss of sobriety, and I can be OK with that. I shouldn't be near that place to begin with. As for pornography, I use for myself, the Playboy standard. If what I'm viewing is at least as sexually explicit as a Playboy magazine, it's loss of sobriety. Thus, viewing a movie such as “50 Shades of Gray†would be considered acting out for me. Of course, that doesn't mean I should allow myself to be lusting after other women regardless of the circumstance.
But what I really want to focus on is my outer circle. Instead of saying to myself, “I can't do this. I can't do that. Life is no longer fun.†I view my outer circle as the many more numerous things that I can do outside of my boundaries. Actually, when I'm acting out, that's when I'm truly in prison because I'm keeping myself from doing the many other things that I want to do with my life. Acting out sexually does feel good to me. But the good feelings always lead to bad ones, and feeling good about myself is much more important. Now, it's time to show my To-Do list for the week.
Prayer 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Bible 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Worship 1 1 1 1 1 1 Wife 1 1 Family 1 1 1 1 Clean 1 1 1 Workout Outreach 1 1 1
Today marks a day in which I graciously receive 10 full weeks of sobriety from all of my inner circle behaviors including pornography and masturbation. But also, this week, I scored 32 points. And no one can take that away. I want to continue on this path and would like to shoot for 35 points next time. I feel that I need more growth.
Thank you everyone for being here. God has used you to help me experience some victory. Without you, it probably wouldn't have been possible. Believe me, sharing my experiences here on almost a daily level has much effectiveness. Oftentimes, I feel it's been more effective than a 12-step meeting in which I only attend once per week. I know that the 12 steps have a lot of merit. But personally, for me, working the steps, by themselves, did not get me to where I needed to be. Only when I chose to demonstrate that I was taking care of my spiritual life did things began to turn around. Showing my To-Do list to the group was not anyone's idea but my own. But I did and it was very effective. That's why I feel it's important do the same here. By the way, feedback is always welcome for me. If you have a word of encouragement or wisdom, I always encourage you to share it with me. 12 steps groups have a “no feedback†rule. You can say what you want, and the rest respond with, “Thank you, Kevin.†It can be reassuring, but this is not a 12-step group. We're more like a church. Iron sharpens iron, and we can encourage ourselves to sharpen each other. So thank you again.
Lord, continue to work in my life and the lives of my friends here at Blazing Grace. We pray this in Jesus' name. Thank you and amen.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2015 20:46:05 GMT -7
Your Welcome. I like the idea of your having the balance from Prayer to Outreach. We need to be ever-vigilant of what lies round the corner. It could be an add on TV, the way someone is dressed to something we read in the newspaper. Wherever we go, Satan like a lion wants to tear us apart.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 16, 2015 15:33:27 GMT -7
Thank you, Steve. I'm glad to see that you've been more visible lately.
To everyone: My wife wanted me to share this. When we were first engaged, I got really angry at my stepson because I lashed out at him. My wife, being my fiance at the time, gave me back the engagement ring, and I stormed out. However, as I was walking back to my car, I recognized that God wanted me to view this relationship differently than ones I've had previously. As a sex addict, relationships, to me, were all about the "feel good". And I pursued a woman based upon this desire to feel good. Coming out of my world of sex forced me to see how selfish this was. In relationships, this selfishness can go both ways. In fact, relationships are impossible unless God helps the couple to obtain an unconditional love for each other that goes beyond feeling good. So back to the above story. I quickly pursued reconciliation with her shortly after our upset. My wife recently asked me why I did that. My response was that I understood that relationships meant that I would be challenged to love the woman more than I love "feeling good". And at that time, I felt the compelling need to demonstrate that. Walking away from that situation would not have led me anywhere.
God bless all of you. Have a good night.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2015 22:17:19 GMT -7
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 18, 2015 14:43:33 GMT -7
Thanks for sharing your story, Steve. I liked it.
Yesterday was a real challenge. My wife was having a hard day at home. After shopping for a St. Patrick's day dinner, the kids piled out of the car and my older daughter slammed the door on my son's fingers.
So instead of celebrating one of my wife's favorite holidays, we went to the ER. Oh well, we plan to celebrate tonight.
Then, today, we had to take our daughter to a doctor's appointment, drop off our dog to get groomed, and then I had to go to work this afternoon. We barely got everything done.
But I was having the hardest time keeping a positive spirit. I was anxious much of the time. I felt a spiritual weakness from being that I barely got time to pray and read the Bible these past few days. I didn't get a chance to read my Bible today until I was at the hospital. I don't want to be soft or bitter during times of trial. I recognize that I'm called to be a sweet aroma when my serenity is challenged. But I have to admit that I worry more than I should.
My quiet times before the Lord work best for me when I do it in the morning. It's really been a good practice to start off the day with prayer, Bible reading, and worship with my guitar. It ensures that I'm in the best spirit throughout the day.
After feeling exhausted for the day, it really felt encouraging to see so many posts today from everyone. You all are doing great! I can definitely tell that the enemy does not like what's going on here.
I confessed to my wife today that I entertained a s*xual fantasy a few nights ago. I'm still not cured. During the past few days, I've noticed that I've had numerous opportunities to check out other women. And it's taken a lot of willpower to not succumb to that temptation. It wasn't easy, but I think I did well in that area.
Today, I also started my first day of Setting Captives Free. I'm a little anxious about it because of all of my previous experience with other teachings and groups. I hope that there won't be too much internal tension. Thanks to both Nikanor and BOM for being my accountability partners.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2015 21:32:08 GMT -7
Thanks for your post Kevin. It's not good what happened to your son's fingers but its good that you were able to share the basic humanity of running a household.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 19, 2015 16:19:57 GMT -7
Thanks Steve,
It's good to see your regular posts each day.
I just finished day 3 of Setting Captives Free today.
I also read Mike's article, “The first 90 daysâ€
After reading it, I'm choosing to edit my Disaster Recovery Plan.
Instead of reading my goal sheet, my boundaries, my affirmations, and my letter every day for 7 days, I'm choosing to make it for 90 days.
I'm also requiring that I do prayer, worship, and Bible reading every day for 90 days.
In addition, I would require myself to perform outreach by making a phone call, going to church, or by participating in a group event every day for 90 days.
And I would require myself to pray every day with my wife for 90 days. (This is something that I just started to do because it's part of the Love Dare. I have only 2 dares left and I can't imagine getting these all done without your help. So thank you.)
This would be an appropriate act of amends to myself in case I relapse. In fact, it wouldn't hurt to practice all of these behaviors every day for the rest of my life. So I will be re-thinking my To-Do list. I will probably add prayer with my wife on it, and will challenge myself to boost up the point requirement because I shouldn't allow myself to get lazy.
I would often justify my addiction with the excuse that it's so accessable to act out. My hands are always there, and I can always MB anytime. How can it be possible to stop? But suppose I was offered free heroine constantly under my nose all day and all night long? Would that justify me using it? Absolutely not.
Thank you everyone,
KK
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2015 17:46:08 GMT -7
Hi Kevin,You are certainly showing a lot of discipline with your approach at mastering your addictions. Based on everything you've said you are not only going to get this completely under control but you will Conquer.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 21, 2015 1:41:41 GMT -7
Steve,
That head kick illustration is one of best I've heard on this forum. Thanks for sharing that with us. I appreciate the feedback, encouragement, and support. You're also doing well yourself. Keep up the good work!
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