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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2015 7:45:19 GMT -7
KK, Don't know how I missed the announcement of your birthday, but....Happy Belated Birthday!! I guess better late a couple weeks than to let it go by without saying it. Until next or or with grace the other side of life when we can say it again.
Nikanor
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2015 8:21:59 GMT -7
KK, Good effort and result on your goal statement. I do want to mention something I noticed. Seems to me that perhaps you could, or should, move up in priority your desires to restore and improve your relationship with your wife. I speak here from my own missed opportunities and priorities. A friend once told me that I spent two years fixing myself and my relationship with God but I neglected my relationship with my wife and needed to move that to top priority. He was so, so right. My wife has reminded me of this repeatedly - and all the while I thought I was doing such significant work to correct my behavior. I was hitting the target but far from the bulls-eye. We have to have God in priority in our lives and work on our behaviors is true but we cannot neglect our spouses. I see this as a prevalent issue in the recovery process. We men work so hard on ourselves and getting our relationship with God corrected and restored but we leave our wives on the sidelines while they are in pain and dare I say neglected. Are you sharing your recovery journey with her? Are you expressing your emotions and feelings to your wife as you move along your journey? Are you telling your wife that next to God she is the most important thing in your life? Are you asking your wife how you can better love her and improve trust between both of you? I think you get the point here. It takes a lot of energy, time, and effort to work on our recovery and that is all great but we find ourselves often wondering why our spouses aren't either fully on board with our efforts or complaining or criticizing our monumental efforts. Well, surprise! We need to redouble our efforts and pray for additional energy so we can give our spouses due priority and resources and more than anything over-the-top love. Just spend 15 minutes trying to be in their shoes and feel what they must have gone through during our selfish binges and eternally wandering eyes. We now have to go the extra mile and above and beyond to make them know they are our priorities in this life. I hope you realize KK this isn't directed strictly at you but to all of us men in recovery. We men need to hold each other accountable to pick up the pace of loving our wives, to make up for lost ground. Our dedication to a band of brotherhood needs to move beyond the battlefields of war to our marriages. I'll encourage you if you encourage me.
Nikanor
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KevinesKay
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Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 1, 2015 15:49:42 GMT -7
Nikanor, it's good to hear back from you. Thank you. I appreciate the insight that you provided. I will definitely find a way to include my wife more in this process.
To everyone, as you may or may not know, I have much more to learn. I may be sober from porn and masturbation, but I'm not pure. There have been moments in which I've checked out a woman too long or took a second look. I've made a promise to my wife that I would share with her when those moments of visual and imaginary adulteries happened. Pretty challenging, huh? Well, I'd have to admit that I've been pretty honest when sharing those moments. It's not easy though. She can take it pretty hard. I don't blame her. It honestly has been easier for me just to take more custody of my eyes and thoughts knowing that if I don't, I will have to tell her.
Also, here is my To-Do list for the week.
Prayer 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Bible 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Worship 1 1 1 1 Wife 1 1 Family 1 1 1 1 1 Clean 1 Workout Outreach 1 1 1
29 points. Could be worse, but could also be better. I plan to have a better week next time. This is the beginning of the quarter. I've got a lot of ambitious goals in place. Please pray for me. Thank you.
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KevinesKay
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Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 3, 2015 1:36:09 GMT -7
Okay,
Back to the Love Dare. Some of these challenges are getting a little bigger. So bare with me if it takes more than a day to complete them.
Dare: Is there a need I can lift from my wife's shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on my part?
After responding to Nikanor's suggestion about incorporating my wife more into my plan, my solution is to add act's of love to my quarterly goal list.
The first one is to get at least 30 wife points this quarter. Wife points consist of taking out quality time for my wife, such as a date, or time out for tea or coffee. Making love with her will almost always constitute a wife point.
Secondly, knowing that she wants to take better care of her body, I want to offer myself to go walking with her at least 30 times this quarter. She may take my offer or not, but if she does, it's also a wife point. So I hope this helps us. Thank you.
Well, gotta go. May the Lord bless all of you.
Kevin
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
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Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 4, 2015 12:35:55 GMT -7
Today, I had the day off of work. Which is unusual during this season. My wife and I worked on transforming our bedroom. Give me a cleaning point . I've re-read Mike's article, "Why being Sexually Sober isn't Enough". He and I share some very similar ideas about what recovery is truly about. I've played the sobriety game for a long time thinking that was the ultimate end. Then scamming myself into thinking that I could trample on my middle circle boundaries, watch sexy movies, masturbate, and still justify to myself that I'm actually sober. Perhaps I was, but I certainly wasn't pure. By the way, Mike, when I was in SAA, we always considered SA to have the harshest bottom line set with no masturbation allowed. I never figured that someone could justify the scam of using pornography without masturbating to it, and still deem oneself sober. That's a good scam. Thank you for being honest about it. I feel a little bit out of the pink cloud today. While going to the grocery store, I felt the temptation to look at other women. But I feel I maintained custody of my eyes today. And I have to say that if it wasn't for you guys cheering me on, I'm not sure I would have kept myself from acting out. Thank you and praise the Lord. Well anyways, my day started off well. I managed to take time in prayer, read my Bible, and get out my guitar and worship. I've been getting more consistent with all three of those things, lately. And I have to be honest. That was something I was not doing very much until 2 months ago. No wonder I was having trouble staying away from porn. I feel God's pleasure more in my life. That's the truth. And I feel God's pleasure in being on this forum. So thank you for having me. I also have an announcement to make. Today marks 2 months of sobriety for me from porn and masturbation. Thank you, Lord, and thank you everyone.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2015 13:03:45 GMT -7
KK, Hooray for you!!! Keep on keeping on. Hopefully you can mark your progress in years, but for now you are on your way. "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Romans 15:13 Nikanor
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KevinesKay
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Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 4, 2015 13:24:09 GMT -7
Thanks Nikanor. You're awesome.
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Post by mike on Mar 5, 2015 7:20:51 GMT -7
> By the way, Mike, when I was in SAA, we always considered SA to have the harshest bottom line set with no masturbation allowed. I never figured that someone could justify the scam of using pornography without masturbating to it, and still deem oneself sober. That's a good scam. Thank you for being honest about it.
Unfortunately, it took years of stumbling for me to figure out that "not masturbating" was still far from the purity standard that begins in the heart which God asks for. Comparing what God said about sexual purity in Matthew 5 didn't match what they were telling me in the 12 step groups; as time went on I became increasingly uneasy about it...
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
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Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 5, 2015 15:22:03 GMT -7
Thanks for your reply, Mike. I'm honored. When I was going through the SAA, masturbation was often allowable by many of the members. My first sponsor allowed it, but he put a limit of 2 times per week. In 2005, I made the decision to embrace celibacy for the first time. Boy! Let me tell you! I was having some major withdrawal symptoms. I used masturbation as a sleeping pill for over 20 years. So major insomnia was a big problem. I also had a lot of extra feelings of anger, depression, strong sexual "burn". My left hand was actually tingling for a couple of weeks. Because I was using sex as a cure all, losing the masturbation was like taking away that last security blanket. I felt left with nothing. Nothing to lose. And that's where God wanted me. Because around Christmas of 2005, I asked God, "What do women really want?" And this time I was open to an answer different than sex. I started to see that most people (particularly women) did not get consumed by sex like I did. Women didn't value the intense physical experience that I craved. They preferred emotional experiences, something that I still have problems understanding. But to finally see it and accept it as a miraculous truth was a great gift to me. Because until then, I attempted to look for my "Magic" lady by putting my characteristics and feelings onto them. And then trying to make sense of why women didn't like pornography, or why they latched on to abusive boyfriends, or why they like bad boys, or why they showed disinterest to sex, or why they didn't seem attracted to me. I was a nice guy. They should like me. Of course, I was nice to them with the hopes that they will have sex with me. How nice is that? I used to get so mad at that. Why did they choose the men that they chose? But now, as I was coming out of my world of sex, it started to make more sense to me. Because something much different is going on in her brain than in mine. It makes sense that knowing we are physiologically different, why can't we be internally different as well? Just a little step of faith to accept that a woman's actions were showing this amazing God truth. But it first had to take me coming out of my world of counterfeit sexual acting out. Well, today was a good day. I made an outreach point today. This is how I score it. I call a friend. If he picks up and we talk, it's a point. If I get a voicemail, then I try someone else. After the third voicemail, I stop and give myself a point. Well, I left 3 voicemails today and thought I was going to get away with an easy point, until one of them called me back. It was a great talk. He's actually going to give the message at our church this Sunday and share his experiences with remaining sexually pure. So I shared with him some of my experiences, gave him some words of encouragement, and we prayed together. Lord, you are very good. Well gotta go. Thank you everybody.
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KevinesKay
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Posts: 1,740
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Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 7, 2015 2:05:38 GMT -7
Hi everyone,
Yesterday was not a good day. In fact, I still don't feel that great today.
Lately, I trusted someone, and I feel like HE BURNED ME!
I'm so angry right now! I'm feeling extremely violent! The "Jihadist John" kind of violent anger.
I may have refrained from acting out in pornography and masturbation, but right now, I don't feel sober.
I'm sick, really sick! You folks only know part of my story.
Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance; I feel none of those things.
Instead I'm feeling hatred, discord, fits of rage, dissention, factions.
This is a really bad place for me. I don't manage anger very well at all. I would usually sex my anger away. No, I don't need counseling. A lot of people have told me who I am, and what I need, and most of those people are wrong. What I do need is God, and you.
Yes, you... KevinesKay needs God, and KevinesKay needs the members of Blazing Grace.
Please pray for me, everyone. Please post your prayers here on my thread.
Pray that I come out of this period of darkness soon.
Pray that my bitterness and anger do not cause me to sin.
Please get others that you know on this forum to pray for me.
Thank you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2015 4:01:18 GMT -7
I will pray for you my friend. I hope you'll get over this period soon.
Al
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wiltingiris
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Occupation: Stay at Home schooling mom
Interests: Worship ministries, Moms ministry, Awana, Childrens church.
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Post by wiltingiris on Mar 7, 2015 10:50:30 GMT -7
I am praying for you too my love.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2015 12:21:08 GMT -7
KK, Lord God be with KK at this time and help him feel and know your presence and let your Holy Spirit guide him and give him peace through knowing that what you went through on the cross and how people all around you despised you, hated you, cursed you, spit on you, reviled you, and even finally killed you gives you power to help us deal with so much less than you dealt with. May it help KK to know how forgiveness works because you first forgave us. Teach him how to love even his enemies and those who seek his downfall. Finally just give him comfort and peace and knowledge you are holding him in your arms. Amen. Nikanor
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 9, 2015 15:55:15 GMT -7
Hello everyone, Thank you for your prayers. They all meant so much to me. I was truly in a bad place. I'm not very proud of how I handled myself lately. I want to let all of you know that I'm truly sorry for letting my anger get out of control. Your prayers meant a lot. The Bible says that the prayer of a righteous man availeth much. I want you guys to know that I don't think it matters if any of you have 1 year of sobriety, 1 month of sobriety, or 1 day. God must consider you righteous. Otherwise, your prayers would not have availed this much. So thank you again.
I'm learning not to assume that I'm all okay just because I'm sober from porn and masturbation. I have much more wrong with me than that. I've made myself accountable to my wife for my thoughts, and I'm finding out that my thoughts of anger and rage outweigh my thoughts of lust by about 3 to 1.
My wife has commented that she would wish I would have the same drive for my family as I do on Blazing Grace. And I get "puffed up" and overly confident while posting. I think she's right. So please also forgive me for my self-centeredness. I truly love all of you.
My wife requested I make revisions to my goals that would make her feel more loved. I will comply.
Also, I still need to share my To-Do list for last week.
Prayer 1 1 1 1 1 1 1
Bible 1 1 1 1 1 1 1
Worship 1 1 1 1 1 1 1
Wife 1
Family 1 1
Clean 1 1 1 1
Workout
Outreach 1 1 1
31 Points. Wife points and workout points did not really happen this past week. That will be my challenge to raise those for this week.
Thank you, and bless you all.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2015 0:00:45 GMT -7
Hi Kevin,Wow. I'm new here as you know but after reading your blog I reallise how there is so much to the concept of recovery and I can see how hard you are genuinely trying to overcome and get there. I can see God just sitting there, quiet but very impressed. Keep persisting, you're already a success. I'll keep praying for you.
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