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Post by Will on Mar 6, 2022 14:00:05 GMT -7
Hey man, wow this is huge. Totally relate to the fantasy thing, exactly the same for me - didn't know it was so bad. Yes it sounds like you have to forgive Mrs Baker to have freedom.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Mar 6, 2022 21:34:16 GMT -7
I hope the Lord will bring healing to you brother. I know I am still learning let go of bitterness and that too. It (bitterness) creeps up more often than lust for me. God please help us to let go of our history and painful bitterness and please heal my brother Kevin and I. We pray in Jesus' name. Amen.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 13, 2022 6:05:53 GMT -7
Celebrating Day 138.
I haven't posted in a while. This week, my wife and daughter took a road trip to Tennessee to see some friends. It was a long drive. 13 hours each way. And on the way back home, we had to stop late Thursday night because it was snowing real bad. It was challenging having my wife in the car with me for so long. She gets scared of my driving easily. I learned that it's just best to drive slow, 55 mph, even if it extends the drive.
My toxicity level has been around the 4-5 range. I'm still entertaining fantasies even if it's seldomly. But I'm reaping huge benefits of sobriety. I'm still reading Women, Sex, and Addiction. It's a big book of over 400 pages. Codependency makes a lot more sense to me now.
My balloon gigs are starting to ramp up this year. By April, my wife and I are going to be very busy. Hopefully, I can catch up on some of the debt I owe.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 15, 2022 4:50:00 GMT -7
Celebrating Day 140.
Yesterday was a good day. I worked out this morning. My toxicity level was at level 4. And it was a nice day and there was a lot of opportunity to lust. For the most part, it was just easier for me to not look than to look without lusting. So for much of the day, I chose not to pay attention to women outside. It was not easy at times, but I'm glad I'm choosing to not pursue validation from other people. That's reinforcing the toxic shame within me. Instead, I'm learning to receive validation from God and myself.
I feel the battle ground within me shifting from avoiding acting out physically to one that simply involves avoiding all lust and fantasy. The desire to click on a fantasy in my head to escape or alter my mood comes to my mind at times, especially when going to sleep. I choose not to do it. It's counterproductive. It reinforcea my shame and lust and fantasy simply leads me to more lust and fantasy.
I worked out yesterday. And I'll probably work out again today. I still have a belly growing on me and I hope to get rid of that. My wife has been encouraging me to take better care of myself. She also mentioned that If I stop eating bread and soda, that would instantly solve my problem. I think she's right. So yesterday, I made the excuse, "But my mom sent me a McDonald's gift card for my birthday and I want to use it up?!?!?!" And I ate a McDouble and fries with a large Coke. Me and my rationalization. I can rationalize anything, but it won't help. Today, I resolve to eat better. I do have value. God says so.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Mar 15, 2022 21:09:26 GMT -7
it's a great encouragement brother. Thank you for sharing. For McD's I asked my wife to change my fries to a salad.
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Post by Will on Mar 16, 2022 13:58:23 GMT -7
Awesome stuff Kevin! Inspiring!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 16, 2022 18:12:14 GMT -7
Celebrating Day 142.
As the weather gets warmer, I was wondering how successful I would be in maintaining custody of my eyes.
Yesterday, was a very nice spring day. And there were lots of people out. And lots of opportunity for me to lust.
And I didn't. Ha! Praise God! It's working! Whatever I'm doing. God has led me to tools that finally work.
I've been rereading Mike's book, The Road to Grace. He has mentioned one method in particular, Turn and Connect, as a strategy to combat lust and fantasy. And the method has merit. But maybe I just needed a few more tools. And there are more tools out there.
For me, it's important that whatever tools I use, they need to be non-shamebased and they cannot assign value to porn, lust, or fantasy. I'm thinking of creating a new thread to describe various weapons of our warfare that can be used to combat lust.
But I just wanted to share... What a great few days it has been! Temptations, yes. But I feel hopeful. My toxicity level has been at level 4. Viewing pornography seems so far away now. Now the battlefield consists of reclaiming my mind. A few years ago, I would have never thought this possible. My mind was so messed up that I relied heavily on my filters and boundaries to keep me sober. But it wasn't enough. I understood that my mind had to be renewed. I just didn't know how. But now I believe that I'm actually winning this war. I owe God a big thank you.
Have a blessed sober Wednesday everyone.
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Post by savedbygrace on Mar 17, 2022 17:31:43 GMT -7
Yes, a new thread like that would be a good thing!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 20, 2022 17:14:54 GMT -7
Celebrating day 146.
I just got done with the restaurant gig. And my feet are so sore. My shoes are not comfortable. Originally, this morning, I was planning on working food delivery to help compensate some income. But I was at the restaurant for an extended long time... 3 and 1/2 hours longer. My feet are sore. But I did make a bunch of money. Enough to justify just simply going home and resting myself.
Today is a level four day, along with every other day. And I've caught myself fantasizing and lusting today and other days. Not for long. But enough to see that the healing is not fully complete inside myself yet. That's okay. I'm not going to use porn, that's for sure. But I recognize that entertaining such lost and fantasy simply has no value. And it reinforces the toxic shame inside myself. So the idea of regaining complete custody and control of my mind and eyes doesn't seem to be something to dread.
I'm now reading another book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw. It's a very good book.
I don't know if I've mentioned yet. I'm too tired to look. But archive.org is an awesome library a free books.
And the book called Women, Sex, and Addiction, written by Charlotte Davis Kasl, offered me such immense information pertaining to sexual addiction in women, codependency, shame, and how I can relate to it so much as a man. There were some parts of the book that I had a problem with. The author is not a Christian so I would give it an 8 out of 10 Stars. It's very hard to find a resource regarding sex addiction in women. So I'm grateful I got a chance to read it. It's an old book. It's been around for a long time. And as I noted before, I'm expecting there's going to be more turnout on the forum. There's going to be more wives, more female sex addicts. I better start educating myself now to prepare.
I haven't worked out in a few days. I was doing so well last week in that area. It's funny, I know that toxic shame is a huge root inside myself. Yeah, it's so easy for me to forget how important it is to turn that around on a daily basis.
My family and I were planning a trip to Florida to see my stepmom. I call her Mama Lois. Because she's been in my life for so long. Well we're going to be taking a road trip to Florida. But yesterday, Mama Lois made it clear to my family that she wanted us to take all these covid-19 precautions. Since none of us were vaccinated, she wants to ensure that we're going to be wearing masks the whole time as we're driving to Florida. Which is a 20-hour drive. And that we got to get our covid test to ensure that we're all negative. And my wife had a fit. She doesn't want to put the family under these conditions. I understand how each of them feels. And part of me wants to do everything I can to accommodate Mama Lois. She's 91 years old. And I know covid-19 is not as deadly as it once was. But she's 91. If she gets covid, it's going to be really bad. And Mama Lois has worked so hard to keep herself from getting it. She stays at home for so much of her day. I got to respect that. My family would feel awful if she got covid. But I haven't talked with her yet. I'm hoping that we can find a resolution. Anyways, love you all. Have a great sober Sunday
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Post by savedbygrace on Mar 21, 2022 18:30:08 GMT -7
In Florida we are blessed with a governor who is very reasonable about all of this.
But since Mama Lois is 91, there is of course more danger. Praying that you can all find a good resolution.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 23, 2022 6:52:56 GMT -7
After talking with Mama Lois, we both deemed that now would not be the best time to go. So we'll plan to see her in the future. I anticipate Covid will be less of a risk as time moves on.
My wife and I have been talking more. Talking a lot about shame and how it's impacted both of us. Anyways, the following day, she tried to come up with all sorts of reasons for me to stay home. "You still need to shave. You still need to workout!"
I chose to ignore her and go to work anyway. She was upset because she wanted me to spend time with her. Then she checked out my forum posts on BG. "Why are you talking with women? We need to talk!"
I made an agreement with my wife not to talk with women in the forum. Well, I'll be honest finally. I was agreeing with her out of my toxic shame to avoid conflict. Then I go doublecross her by doing it anyway. I finally had to make my point to her that night. I'm going to be interacting with women all day. Why can't I just do that without crossing the line?
I did invite her to get back in the forum and she entertained that idea. She even posted a new thread recently. I actually didn't know she still had an account! Hey everyone, you got to meet my wife, Iris. She's welcome to view my posts anytime. Anyways, she admitted that she can't go on BG too much. It's too triggering for her. She's sickened by the forum. That actually points to her shame.
She did share that she gets jealous of my time. She wants me to demonstrate to her that she has more importance in my life than my work or my forums. She has a point. I believe that I fall short there.
I did make it clear how much I like the direction I'm going with my recovery. I know that this process I'm going through is good for me and her as well. I'm not going to expect any new changes from her at this time. It's fine. And she knows that I'm still going to interact with everyone here on BG, men and women. And I'm going to have good boundaries in place. Our focus is on healing. There's no shame in that. There going to be men and women coming to this forum needing a safe place after being used and abused sexually and emotionally. It's definitely time for healing. There's no value in continuously searching to fill the void by turning to our sin. Sin does not fill a void. That's a lie from Satan. Instead, sin creates a void.
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Post by Will on Mar 23, 2022 13:23:38 GMT -7
Praise God Kevin! Sounds like your wife may have quality time as her love language.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 24, 2022 7:56:23 GMT -7
Celebrating day 149. Pretty soon, it will be day 150. Yesterday, I believe I had a good strong day; level 4. While I was delivering food, some of the workers were wearing clothes that accentuated certain body parts. I didn't check them out. But I still had to interact with them because they were working at the restaurant.
I think that practicing custody of my mind and eyes when I'm not interacting with women helps me to practice custody of my mind and eyes when I am interacting with them. If that makes me sense. Anyways, I feel like I'm winning this battle for my mind and my heart. God still feels a little far away from me, but I know he's there. For that I'm grateful.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Mar 24, 2022 23:41:00 GMT -7
I'm proud of you brother. It's good to know how the Lord is working in you and with you. It's good to know other brothers are trying and striving to please the Lord in purity and honoring ways.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 26, 2022 5:41:13 GMT -7
Day 151.
I was entertaining lust and fantasy yesterday. My toxicity level was at 6. So my path of recovery has not been linear. Today is a new day. It's been awhile since my TL was above level 4.
I know that I haven't been taking good care of myself lately. Eating poorly, not working out. This all could be shame based. As spring comes up, our calendar is getting booked faster than I expected. And I'm not thinking about taking care of myself as a necessary option. I certainly didn't last year. But that's not good for me.
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