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Post by Will on Mar 26, 2022 5:53:01 GMT -7
'Self care' is a phrase I'm hearing a lot nowadays. I have not been good at this really, and where it lapses, I'm also vulnerable to stumbling into lust. For me it generally means having rest time, to relax, get washing done, eat, sleep, catch up with to do lists, etc. When I don't get to do this, or I should say, when I am not assertive enough in prioritising this in my life with other people who want things from me, it's dangerous.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
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Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
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Post by KevinesKay on Apr 9, 2022 6:36:30 GMT -7
Day 165.
It's been too long since I posted. Looking forward to a very busy spring and summer. I've been working on following my taxes before the deadline next week. Plus, since our expenses have gone up, I've been working more hours to pay the bills. My wife started doing a little bit of food delivery as well. She seems to be healing up better with her elbow injury. We saw a doctor a couple of days ago. He prescribed a new arm brace to wear at night. He thinks that's going to help. Anyways, she also fell and slipped pretty bad and hurt her knee. We went to the ER to check if it was broken and it wasn't. So I'm glad of that.
My toxicity level of my brain has been all over the place. From 4-8.
Anyways, I just wanted to check in. I'm off to work this morning before I have a gig this afternoon and then I'm going to go off to work again. As I said before, we have a lot of expenses.
Take care and God bless you all
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,735
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Apr 10, 2022 20:48:40 GMT -7
Day 167.
My wife and I had a joint gig today. It was last minute, but it is a great blessing to have income coming in.
At this point, finances are very challenging. With 6 people in the home, and about 25 animals in the house, it's taking it's toll.
I finally got taxes done for both of my sons. Now, it's time to do mine, and I'm a little concerned. I don't have a lot of savings left to pay much owed. We'll see.
Plus, next week, I start jury duty, and I really don't want to spend most of my day there. I need to work! So I'm praying that I'll have that chance.
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Post by savedbygrace on Apr 11, 2022 5:41:52 GMT -7
Praying for you all!
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Post by 🇺🇦 Ɖσмιиιc 🇮🇱 on Apr 11, 2022 17:19:21 GMT -7
that is very cool Kevin that you can help your son's taxes and what a task for jury duty. may the Lord grant you wisdom and all things you need. Lord, please bless Kevin's family. Please help his sons and please heal his wife's arm too. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,735
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Apr 25, 2022 6:04:05 GMT -7
I've been off the BG grid for some time. That's not right. I'm sorry. Things are going to get very busy for me with the spring coming up. But that's no excuse. I'm sticking around. I did get my taxes done last week, Monday. Whew! Waiting till the deadline was not a good idea. And I made it through jury duty. They didn't need me! After a couple days of calling in, most of us were excused for the rest of the week. I didn't miss an hour of work. I successfully completed jury duty. And my wife totally does not give me credit for that. She jokingly mentioned that I never did jury duty. She believes I have to report physically to actually count. My wife woke me up to inform me that our furnace stopped working. Fearing the worst, I inspected it, cranked up the heat on the thermostat, and it's working. I think it just needs a new thermostat which I'll install today before work. Both my phone and my computer broke down this week. I got a new phone and I'm now using the family computer in the dining room. No LINUX. But that's all right. Covenant Eyes works great for both of these devices with no glitches. So that's a good thing. My cars brakes went out Saturday. So yesterday, I replaced them. I also tightened my drive belt which was squeaking and replaced my horn which stopped working. Women are miraculous creatures. For most of my life, I looked at them as sex objects thinking that I could potentially have sex with any woman I saw. That's not true. Women only have interest in having sex with one or a select few men. It is undesirable for them to have casual sex with every man they see. And they want relationship. That means everything to them. So there's no point in me lusting after them. They're not going to have sex with me. And I'm certainly not going to have relationship with any of them. It's already outside of my comfort zone to have relationship with my wife. Consider me an intimacy, relationship, and love anorexic. And I'm kind of okay with that. Sometimes, the thought of those things makes me want to barf. Porn reinforces this notion that women just want to have casual sex with a bunch of different men. Not true! It is a lie! Stop watching it. It's damaging the brain. That goes with anything that looks like porn. It's not reality. Women don't want to have a bunch of casual sex with a bunch of different men. They want relationship, love; that special someone to share their intimate deep secrets with; a close emotional bond, and security. That's reality. Do I want that too? Nah! Just give me the sex! And it's this egocentric view that's got me in trouble. Placing my own thoughts and desires on others thinking that if I do unto others as I would have them do unto me, then I'll get what I want the most! Sex! What lie! Most women will not admit to not enjoying sex, but the the truth is that they would much rather have a relationship without sex than sex without a relationship.
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javajake
Silver Member
Posts: 382
Occupation: retired
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Post by javajake on Apr 25, 2022 14:31:42 GMT -7
Good points Kevin!
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Post by 🇺🇦 Ɖσмιиιc 🇮🇱 on Apr 27, 2022 2:09:17 GMT -7
Thanks for the words of wisdom Kevin. No Linux? well, I hope you can one day.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,735
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Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on May 29, 2022 15:02:39 GMT -7
Josh Duggar received 12.5 years of federal prison. That's a long time. Yet, many feel it is not long enough. The world has no compassion for people like him.
I've been thinking a lot about him. We are very similar. What he's going through, that could have been me. I could have easily traveled down that road. I've done many of the things that he did. I have many of the freedoms that he won't have. I live outside of prison. I can be around children unsupervised. I can use the internet. I can view porn. But Josh can never do any of these. If he does after he's done serving his time, he's back in jail.
It doesn't matter how easy it is to obtain child porn. It doesn't matter how porn websites push and encourage sex with young teens and incest. But oh, how easy it is for one to fall into the trap and be enticed to experiment with the forbidden! And Josh fell into that trap. He didn't think he would get caught. But he did, and he's in prison for a huge portion of his life.
The rest of the world has no tolerance for such behavior. Doing such will land one in jail. Yet, if everyone that committed such a crime was caught and jailed, the result would be so catastrophic, it would have a serious impact on a country's financial situation. For millions of men would be jailed. So sad that many are guilty of the sin of using pornography.
This is Josh's first conviction. I would have expected a lower sentence. But no one can argue with the decision.
Josh deliberately partitioned his work computer to avoid detection by Covenant Eyes. The partition is Linux which Covenant Eyes does not support.
Josh downloaded over 600 images and several videos containing child porn.
The judge mentioned that this material was more disturbing than anything he's ever seen. The youngest victim seen was around 5 years old.
After his 12 years are up, Josh is to serve an additional 20 years of probation. During which...
He's not allowed to be alone with any minors. Any contact with a minor needs to be supervised by another adult.
He's not allowed to have a computer, smartphone, or any other internet accessing device. Except by approved exception for work reasons with restricted usage.
He's not to use pornography of any kind.
Any violation of these terms will land him back behind bars.
I guess this is one way to ensure 30+ years of sobriety.
I can't help but think how that could have been me. I have not gone into the dark web to view taboo porn, but porn addiction, in any form is degenerative. Each use demands more porn or stronger forms of porn to get the same effect. And the porn industry simply offers what the sinful nature desires. That is younger stars and more taboo categories.
But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed.Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. James 1:14-15
My experience shows this verse to be true. If I entertain lust, it will lead to sexual sin. And I've played with this fire and risked jail time and STDs and death. Many in the world don't understand the dangers of sin. But Josh is paying a price. And many believe that price is not high enough. They're right. We know what the Word says. The wages of sin is death.
In out American legal system, there's a difference between first degree crimes and crimes of a lesser degree. The difference is that first degree crimes are premeditated. I've thought about the crime and planned it out in my mind and actions before actually doing it. First degree crimes are treated much much more severely than lesser degree crimes. Simply by thinking about the act before I do it makes the crime more severe. Josh clearly committed a first degree crime of receiving child porn. That was easy to prove.
So how much attention should I pay towards my thoughts? A LOT! Because if I do the sin that I think, the consequences are astronomical. It's better for me not to think it at all. And not looking is good too. The Word does say to take all of my thoughts captive.
So my mind toxicity level is at 4. I'd like to keep it that way. The world is not wrong in labeling Josh a pedophile. And the world is not wrong in labeling me a pervert. I've done some perverted things after entertaining them in my mind. First degree.
But Jesus gave me a new identity. Rejected by the world, but accepted by Him. I'm a new creation. That's what the Word says.
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Post by 🇺🇦 Ɖσмιиιc 🇮🇱 on May 29, 2022 18:20:21 GMT -7
Yes, your right Kevin. Only God knows exactly what our crimes deserve. I'm a firm believer that our one time lust / adultery in the mind is equal to burning in hell forever, so if that is the standard Jesus lays out, there is not criminal court on earth to find true justice for our crimes because in God's eyes, it means death in hell, so our courts try their best to decide (on what criteria I don't know) what is right. Who honestly thinks 10, 15, 20 years if enough for a pedophile? Probably it depends on the severity of the crimes. I have watched lot of pedophile cases where the people were leaders in child care, or traveling child care people. The people are thinking they get away with it, but FBI and international law do find them and eventually bring down those dark web site. It's happened before. I personally think a man will reap what he sows and I already did even when I was living in blatant sin. I was already afraid of the cops, the raptures, etc, and really hell, burning forever. The CP (chi-d p-rn) is one click away and anyone can fall prey to it. Anyone. Children also are passing around their own nudes to each other and that is another complicated matter. There are people who never get caught like Michael Jackson and eventually die. This from an HBO docmentary called "Leaving Neverland" if you want to know more. That was the sickest documentary or one of them and these boys, men now, some married, tell their abuse from Michael Jackson. He was guilty but one one knew or punished him and sadly these boys, actually wanted it, hear it from their own words. That is another troubleling thing to hear and admit, but these abused boys were so in love with MIchael that they tought he was a god or something, but later they knew they were abused and found out the truth. Personally, when I was five and sexually active, I was not abused, but I would have gladly been like one of those sick boys whom MJ abused, because I had fantasies of my 3rd grade teacher, and it would have been a pedophile to her (if that ever did happen) but not in my eyes at the time, because at that young age I was fantasizing about it. I'm only talking about one aspect of child s-x abuse, not the ones who trully were abused and not into s-x addiction. I am not in not way trying to justify any form of Child Abuse, even if the children decidees that is a thing they want/enjoy. No. The child is sick, not properly informed and it's possible, very possible for even a child to be a sex addict as I was. What I feel should happend to Joshua Dugger is anything the governments impose on him because "You will reap what you sow" and I'm a Christian and not wishing ill-will on him. I think other Christians would agree too, that even if we do get God's forgiveness, we will infact get what we deserve because God's forgiveness is not the admissions of sin penalties (think STDS/AIDS) etc. I think Joshua Dugger and all of us should realize this, we deserve hell, in torment forever for our sins, and anything "not" that is an act of mercy, so Joshua's current sentance is an act of mercy. That is how I view it. He could get 1 year or 100 years and it's all mercy. Joshua's mind is very warped now and he needs all he can get, to include jail time, much of it, to see actually what his sins are like and truly deserve. Think about it. God could have sent Joshua to hell but didn't, and let Joshua live, to find out, to have time to repent, and to get a form of justice, even not quite accurate God's justice. We could easily be following him, even if we don't look at one child p-rn picture, because already porn is worthy of hell - Jesus said in Matthew 5:27-30 ' “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. ' Matthew 5:27-30 my.bible.com/bible/111/MAT.5.27-30maybe some might think my views/opinions are too radical, but looking at Matthew 5:27-30 and honestly assessing myself? I am worthy of hell, but that is not to make me feel shame, but godly sorrow 'Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. ' 2 Corinthians 7:10 my.bible.com/bible/111/2CO.7.10to lead me to Jesus, and get saved, get born-again, get a renewed mind 'Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ' Romans 12:1-2 my.bible.com/bible/111/ROM.12.1-2Joshua and all of us ought to submit to the Lord, take whatever consequences our sins deserve. 'Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and you will be commended. For the one in authority is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for rulers do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God’s servants, agents of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also as a matter of conscience. This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. ' Romans 13:1-7 my.bible.com/bible/111/ROM.13.1-7If I did not get caught, it should make me think "Oh man, I don't want to continue because I could get caught and get burned" Joshua has to learn his error. He has to prove to the others around him that He is repent and trustworthy again, however long it takes. Thing about it, he viewed some of the most disturbing peices of content that hurt children, children who were abducted and raped, while he masturbated to it, that created a soul tie. That soul tie has to be broken. This is a pagan religion of child prostitutes, child sex slaves from 1000 of years and still into practice even in Satanic circle. Look at the pain of children coming out of their abuse to hear there story.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
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Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
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Post by KevinesKay on May 30, 2022 0:12:18 GMT -7
That's such a sad story in the video. Horrible. But thanks for sharing 🇺🇦 Ɖσмιиιc 🇮🇱. Very sobering to see how far sin can take us.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,735
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on May 31, 2022 5:37:57 GMT -7
I was practicing good custody of my eyes and mind all through the day yesterday. Kevin, just don't think it or look at it. I realize that I have a perverted mind. I don't think addictive is the best way to describe it. I take what's normal and take it to a different perverted level.
Jesus said mentioned cutting off my arm or plucking out my eye if it offends me. In my daily living, I must exercise self control by not looking or thinking. Otherwise, my perverted mind will lead me to sin. And the sin will lead me to death. The death may not always be physical actual death. It could but my sin could lead me to losing a job, or a relationship, jail time, an STD. These are all forms of death in a way.
Right now, I have a job that I love. I have a beautiful wife that loves me. I'm raising 4 great kids. I have a home, and cars. I can walk outside in the world. I can even use the internet to minister and make income. I have everything.
And yet my flesh will lead me to thinking that I have nothing. My own desire yearns to sin in the most perverted ways possible. And if I yield to it, I will end up like Josh Duggar and many others. Losing jobs, jail time, losing relationships, STDs, probation, no internet access, not being allowed around children, no freedom, no compassion from others, being labeled a pervert, and being ostracized from society and the rest of the world labeling me a predator and a pervert. There is no compassion nor desire to understand; only disappointment and bitter anger.
Last night, I played out sex fantasies in my head again. Level 5. I played with fire. For all it takes is for me to act out my thoughts and commit a first degree act of fornication and adultery. I could justify myself saying that I didn't act out. Nor did I commit any crime. But it all starts with a thought, or a look. And it will lead to acting out. And, more seriously, acting out on the first degree. I cannot think it or look at it.
The Word says that blessed is the man that endures temptation. For when he is tried, he will receive the crown of life which is promised to those who love Him.
Jesus also said that following His commandments will allow me to be blessed in my deeds. He loves me. He calls me His own. I may not feel any great joy in life right now, but I believe God will bless me if I choose to be obedient to His commands.
But that requires that I stop thinking porn via fantasy or my obsession to look at other women around me. It's just easier for me not to entertain my mind and eyes in that area. I'm not going to speak for everyone else or anyone else. While others can enjoy looking at other people, I cannot. My eyes offend me. My mind is depraved and perverted. But if I don't think it or look at it, my life will be blessed. My marriage will flourish. My finances will improve. My attention will stay focused on my knowing God, knowing my family, and managing my household.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,735
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 2, 2022 4:35:18 GMT -7
My mind's toxicity level has been at 4 for the past couple days. Don't think (about another woman) and don't look (at another woman). There are those moments where I'm directly interacting with a female on the jib, or at a restaurant, at church, etc. It's possible for me to be polite, cordial, and professional without being perverted while interacting with other women. But that's not a whole lot of women. And if I give my flesh free rein to look and think about all the other women that I see around me, everywhere, my mind goes to depraved pervert. I've accepted that I cannot change my flesh. I cannot place any confidence in it. If I give my perverted brain and eyes permission to look and to see, the lust will conceive and give birth to sin. And the sin will grow and lead to death. Sin is a cruel master.
And it's kind of like a prison itself. Jesus hinted at that when He shared about setting us free from our sin.
For most of my life, all I wanted to do was get rid of the porn, get rid of the acting out in my life that was considered unhealthy. But I find that my path means that end where it all started, in my mind. Covenant Eyes helps to a little degree, but not by much. It only tries to keep me from viewing women unclothed. And it's not enough to control my perverted depraved flesh. It doesn't matter how much clothing a woman wears, or how old she is, or how big she is. My depraved perverted mind cannot be trusted. While others in this world can easily look at other people without lust, for me, it's not possible. Like Job, it's just better that I pay no attention to them whatsoever with my mind or eyes.
Sounds a bit extreme. But if I continue to let the mind and eyes of my flesh do whatever they want, it will lead to sin and perversion. And I will lose a lot more. My ability to drive, my jobs, my business working with kids, my marriage, my family, my finances, my health, my home. I have so much.
There is no excuse. No need for anyone to understand. No need for anyone to want to understand. And no need for compassion. I am a pervert. People like me are ostracized. The world puts them in jail and desires them to be behind bars for the rest of their life. I can see why they feel that way. People just want to protect the innocent. For me, there's no crime I've committed that the world could sentence me to prison for. But it's the truth that my mind is depraved and perverted. I should not trust it. Nor should anyone else.
The Word says that I'm to be transformed. My mind is to be renewed. For me, that just means that I have to do some old fashioned eye plucking because my fleshly eyes are going to do what the flesh wants to do. For me, that is the transformation. Don't think, don't look. And the act won't follow.
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bandit
New Member
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Interests: Model cars, avid reader, astronomy
Days of Integrity: 3-7-22
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Post by bandit on Jun 2, 2022 15:25:53 GMT -7
How did you get inside my head brother? I thought you were talking about me.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,735
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 3, 2022 5:10:21 GMT -7
Hey bandit, I wasn't expecting anyone here to understand what was going on with me. Bless you, brother.
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