KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 22, 2022 6:29:04 GMT -7
Celebrating Day 119 Yesterday, I enjoyed a level 4 day. Today is looking the same. It's a relieving feeling after a couple weeks of being in the orange zone. My sense of reality has been returning. I wasn't aware of how much of that I lost due to my porn use until I started experiencing some sobriety again. Godsgirl, I think we can all relate to your pain and the anguish we all feel when we realize that we've been duped. In my case, for 23 years. I confess, I have a very negative view of the male of the species at this time. I guess being married to a sex addict for 23 years will do that. Perhaps you should ignore my words as this really is a vent. The last two or three months have been really bad. Seems to me that men operate with the complexity of a rubber band. Sex is still the Lord of my husband's life. I thought he was making great strides. LOL. Right now, I'm convinced "Men are scum, Women are stupid." There is a book written by that title that purports to tell women how to find decent men, written by a man. Pfft. I watch men in groups, I watch male behavior in public and I see hunters, not men who are capable of or have any interest in creating a lasting relationship. I see the way they look at women and it is incompatible with relationship. They are sexual hunters. We all want to believe that a man exists who will love and care for us because he loves and wants to care for us. That is a fantasy. The only reason a man enters into a relationship is to secure a source of sex. So, on the one hand, when I read your post and I see that you are committed to staying with your current husband, my first question is "why?" Why would you commit to stay with a man who has violated your trust, his marriage vows and hurt you so deeply? On the other hand, I really don't think any decent men exist. I think every stereotype of the male of the species is true. If they are all alike, and I'm convinced they are, why bother trading in the devil you know for the devil you don't know. I wouldn't rule out the possibility of leaving your husband, however. If you are going to put the Lord on the throne of your life, you have to leave that door open, you have to allow the Lord to make that decision. If he's not willing to make a change, leave him. There is no reason you should continue to expose yourself to disease and abuse. When I die, I really hope that I get some time to ask questions. I want to know how many of the differences between men and women were part of His plan for our lives and how the fall messed up His plan. I will add you to my list of prayers......... Signed, Old, Bitter, Devastated Wife This an old response from Devastated Wife that I wanted talk about. She brought up a book called Men are Scum, Women are Stupid, by Jared Kempton. And I decided to read it. I finished it in 2 days and actually enjoyed it. Although, I didn't agree with all of his points. First of all, I don't think the title is appropriate. I know it's kind of catchy but I think it's counterproductive to call anybody scum or stupid. However, my idea of a title isn't much better. Because of his advice to women in dating, I think a better title would be, How to Find and Marry a SIMP.I did find his description of what men obsess about to be spot-on. To be honest, I know very very few men that have been able to demonstrate 100% full custody of their eyes and mind when it comes to sex. To be frank, men think about sex a lot. And when they do, it's often with somebody else other than their wives. This is not all men. Just over 90% of them. And I'm being conservative with that estimate. Whenever I bring this up, I usually get some pushback from feminist women that argue that men and women are the same. The only main differences are caused by societal conditioning. So according to these women, it should be easy for men to be motivated by relationship and love as opposed to just sex. And that there are tons of faithful loyal men out there that have eyes for only their wives. It is true that such men do exist, but nowadays, they are few and far between. To be continued...
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 22, 2022 9:30:56 GMT -7
Day 120.
I'll continue on my previous post later. For now, I just wanted to share on my present life. I entertained a fantasy this morning while still in bed. I shut it down. Later, I initiated intimacy with my wife. Our sex life is coming back. Correction. We never had much of a sex life. My wife would complain about it so much. I often held back. We were lucky to have relations every 2-3 months.
Now, it's progressing to about 2-3 times per week. Huge difference. My wife surely has to know something is up with me. I like the change.
I had a chance to read some of my former posts back in 2015. I'm reminded of a very transparent, positive, deep, humble man that was truly working on drawing nearer to God. My wife was also becoming an integral part of BG. But when something happened on The forum, she cut all ties. I relapsed in October and I didn't tell anyone about it. And as I'm reading my posts, I can see the shift of my attitude from dependence on God to one of frantically struggling on my own, alone. Reading them makes me think that I got it huge knockout punch from the enemy. Probably so. So my relationship with the Lord and relationship with my wife has not been the same since. Now, my wife holds kind of a hands off approach towards my recovery. She doesn't want to play a huge role in it. She simply wants me to fix what's wrong with me, man up, get some ambition, and be the the husband and the leader that she so desires me to be. It's just too much for her to do any more than that. And I can understand.
I spent some time in prayer today. God still seems so far away. But I know He's not. He's been with me every step of the way. And I'm so grateful and thankful for that. Still learned new things since 2015. Uncovering my toxic shame and revealing to me that my sin is simply a vanity of vanities as described in the book of Ecclesiastes. This sin of mine has no value. It's completely worthless. I know that. Sometimes my flesh looks backward. But I no longer consider that this was making me feel good. And I no longer consider that my choice to be sober and loyal and monogamous is difficult. Why should it be that so difficult to turn down something that has the same amount of value as a piece of moldy bread? This is no longer unstable equilibrium. This feels like freedom to me. Thank you and praise you God.
When I expound on my previous post, please note, that I am not intending to use this tendency in my flesh to pursue fornication as an excuse to not pursue God's holy standard of sexuality. As I'm well aware that an enormous percentage of men in this world entertain the pursuit of lust, fantasy, porn, fornication, I will not condone them. Nor will I envy them. As in my own experience, their pursuit of fornication will only lead to misery.
For those that desire to turn away from these youthful lusts, this unbridled promiscuity, you seek a good thing with great rewards. And as I mentioned before, you're not missing out on anything by choosing to quit porn.
Blessings to all of you reading this. Have a wonderful sober Tuesday. May God's power shine through your life today.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Feb 22, 2022 16:30:48 GMT -7
Amen.
I'm reading the Pslams right now and many times David prays and feels like God is far too Kevin.
'
then later David comforts himself by saying
I think the Lord might be testing us. (What will he do if he feels I am not there? Will he still trust in me?).
Jesus says that we are blessed by believing and not seeing. I don't understand it but we are blessed and you and I and we are blessed.
Dear God, please help us to keep believing even when it feels and seems that You are far. Lord, we know David was like this and so we are too. Thomas doubted and also John the Baptists wondered if you were the the One to be the Messiah. Lord, please do not let Kevin think I am discouraging him but trying to let him know that he is in good company with other men of God who also felt like You were not there but You are and still will be despite what our past/current/future thoughts might tell us, Lord, we know Your Word is truth, please santify us by Your truth. Lord, I also doubt You many times and I'm sorry. They say I have OCD but I say you can do anything and I don't care what sickness we have but I know and we know and trust that You are God and You can do anything, even the impossible. Lord, I'm thankful that Kevin is able to have a re-ignited intimacy with his wife. Please let it be good and all done according to Your will and please bless his wife and help her heart to heal on whatever happened on this forum in the past. Lord, please help her heart to forgive the offenders whomever they might be, Lord, you died for the offenders and the offended both, please help us to remember to let go of bitterness and help me too. All the bitterness I once hold and still comes back to haunt me, Lord, by Your grace, I can let it go, please help me and please help us to do that. Thank you for Kevin and the brothers and sisters who are now having courage to post on their own trials and tribulations too. Please bless us and help us to keep close to You. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 25, 2022 9:06:57 GMT -7
Day 123 I'm going to recant some of the things I shared a couple posts ago. I mentioned before that only a very small percentage of men do not struggle with lust. And upon reviewing and researching, I'm concluding and accepting that this small percentage is a lot higher than I thought. I'm going with 20%. 20% of men have mastered custody of their eyes and mind. I know that still leaves a high probability of a wife ending up with a mate that fails to demonstrate total complete loyalty. But that number doesn't sound quite as dismal as what I originally thought. But I do believe sexual lust is a growing problem in men. 100 years ago, I strongly suspect that a higher number of men maintained custody of their eyes and mind. That's because the family unit has disintegrated. Traditional male and female roles are being challenged. Children are being raised in single parent homes and in daycare. Porn is everywhere; free and accessable on every mobile device. Fashion has turned towards immodesty. Yet, I believe many women do not see the impact this has had on men. Jared Kempton, in his book described in his book, four fallacies that some women continue to hold on to. 1. Love conquers all. All you need is love. Love is all that matters. There is a dozen ways of phrasing this, but no matter how you phrase it, it is still wrong. 2. Some men are Jerks, but behind each Jerk is a long line of Knights in Shining Armor just waiting to rescue a damsel in distress. 3. Even the depraved, carnal man will change if he falls in love with the right girl. 4. In return for men giving women chocolate, flowers, compliments, dinner, etc., women should give sex." Anyways, my point to the wives is that if your spouse is guilty of porn, you are in the majority. I'm not condoning his behavior. I'm just stating the reality. I entertained fantasy twice. Once last night and again this morning. I'm not proud of that. My brain is so used to going there for the past 50 years. God help me to renew my mind. If I don't control my mind, my mind will control me. youtu.be/PZLUSJ2qDyM I watched the above YouTube from Alexander Grace this morning. He reminded me that my pursuit of porn and adultery will not lead to happiness. It's a lie. I should not envy those that chase after such pleasure. Because it's not really pleasure. Real pleasure comes from other things that I need to work hard for.
Here is what I have seen: It is good and fitting for one to eat and drink, and to enjoy the good of all his labor in which he toils under the sun all the days of his life which God gives him; for it is his heritage. Ecclesiastes 5:18
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 25, 2022 12:11:51 GMT -7
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Feb 25, 2022 20:23:29 GMT -7
it's encouraging to know that men are not struggling with this, and it means, if them then why not me? and I'm encouraged. Thank you brother.
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javajake
Silver Member
Posts: 382
Occupation: retired
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Post by javajake on Feb 26, 2022 14:18:22 GMT -7
I like your insight and approach to this journey Kevin! Yes we need to watch our backs all the time. I went 2 years porn free probably a year after my secret sin was exposed. This was about 20 years ago. Sure I had issues during this time with fantasies and occasional masturbation but no porn. But playing with any of that made me vulnerable to diving back in. Take one day at a time! You encourage me brother!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 27, 2022 18:19:30 GMT -7
I like your insight and approach to this journey Kevin! Yes we need to watch our backs all the time. I went 2 years porn free probably a year after my secret sin was exposed. This was about 20 years ago. Sure I had issues during this time with fantasies and occasional masturbation but no porn. But playing with any of that made me vulnerable to diving back in. Take one day at a time! You encourage me brother! I was 3 years pornography free about 15 years ago. But my mind and eyes were still a mess. I never thought it would be so challenging to regain what I lost after relapsing. But that's what the drug does. It sucks me in, and then makes me want more.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 1, 2022 7:14:06 GMT -7
Celebrating day 126.
Enjoyed a level 3 day, followed by a level 4 day yesterday. I worked out again yesterday. My wife wouldn't let me leave for work until I did. Bless her heart. My hope is being restored.
I've been reading the book, Back from Betrayal, by Suzy Farbman. She describes her account of uncovering the fact that her husband was having affairs throughout half of their 30 year marriage. And she describes their quest of repairing their broken relationship. It was not all a bed of roses.
Anyways, I do have a number of books on my list that I want to read.
I still need to read John Bradshaw's, Healing the Shame that Binds You.
I also have yet to read Mike's book, the Wife's Heart.
And I want to read
Codependent no More Women Who Love Sex Addicts Women, Sex, and Addiction
Reality is opening up to me again. And I have a feeling that I'm just getting started.
Have a wonderful sober Tuesday everyone!
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Mar 1, 2022 23:16:47 GMT -7
I have a few books that I read from before. Right now, I'm not reading any at the moment. I probably might need too.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 2, 2022 7:33:21 GMT -7
I rediscovered this great resource called
Archive.org
I can find a vast majority of books that I've known about. And I can borrow and read them for free!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 2, 2022 8:50:25 GMT -7
So the above diagram describes my using pattern. The acting out session is characterized by the upward spike coming from a low point to a high point. And then, after the dopamine wears off, I become more moody, irritable, craving, obsessing, anxious, angry, frustrated, afraid. Notice that as I continue acting out, my natural state of pleasure slowly declines. Whereas, the non-user has no such decline in pleasure. But it's this upward spike that confuses me. I'm deluded into thinking that porn is making me feel good; that I'm getting a high. But from looking at this diagram, it's not really a high. I call it more of a ride. And the ride is giving me an illusion that porn is actually doing something for me. But instead, as I'm continuing on each session, my state of happiness ultimately goes down. All of this anger, irritability, fear, frustration, is actually being caused by my addiction to porn. I'm confused into thinking that all this bad stuff is from the natural course of life, and that I'm using porn to medicate myself from it. But instead, I'm actually just relieving the withdrawal pangs that were caused by porn to begin with. Over time, I will tend to increase my usage or graduate to more higher levels of porn in order to reach the same high point as before. That's because my body is developing a dopamine resistance. My brain is telling myself that it's getting too much stimulation. Unfortunately, as my brain desensitizes itself from my porn use, it also conditions itself to be desensitized to all other pleasure such as eating, enjoying nature, having friendships, making music, etc.
After years of conditioning my brain, this ride that I refer to confuses me to think that porn gives me the ultimate pleasure; ten times better than anything in the world. And note, when I use the term porn, I'm referring to the whole spectrum from acting out sexually with affairs, strip joints, or prostitutes, to watching porn online, to masturbation with fantasy, to lusting after women in church, to simply entertaining a fantasy with someone else's wife to alter my mood.
In this above diagram, one can see the extraordinary high amount of value that I was assigning to porn. I really felt that I was making a huge sacrifice by quitting it. It felt real. But I'm telling you that I was falling for an illusion. According to my soul, I was making the logical choice by choosing porn over everything else. But the truth is that porn has no value. Understanding that changed everything. Notice that the non-user is in a better state of happiness than the user. In order to get to that same state of contentment, all I need to do is stop using. Eventually, the state of normalcy will come. This won't work if I stop while continue to mope about it and entertain thoughts of acting out. And I won't envy other users. I pity them. They need my pity. And it helps me to reject any teaching that assigns value to porn. This includes the belief of powerlessness and the concept of getting high. I'm not against others using such terms if it's helpful to them. They're just not helpful to me.
Anyways, my counter is 12 minutes away from reading day 128. It's a good feeling. Take care everyone. God bless you and have a great sober Wednesday.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 2, 2022 13:04:16 GMT -7
Yesterday, my toxicity level was around 6. I entertained some intense fantasies and I lusted some. This idea of wanting to commit adultery with prostitutes has lingered. I call it the easy way out. But I know it's really not the best pleasure. And all of my porn and lust truly is an expression of my inner desire to have sex with an actual person. As Jesus said, if I look at a woman with lust, I've already committed adultery in my heart. They say you are what you eat. I say I am what I think.
I finished up Back from Betrayal yesterday. A major lesson in the book was that each the husband and the wife and to follow their own path. Their recovery was not to be dependent on the other. Suzy had to let go of her husband. And her husband, Burt, had to make the decision for himself to stop cheating. And he did. He mentioned something pertinent. He realized that all of these affairs were hurting himself deeply. All the lies, the deception, the chase, the adultery, was actually causing him great pain. And that by continuing, he was missing out on something greater; a deeper connection with someone who truly loved and accepted him for who he is.
Playing the tape of my desire to cheat, I understand that my brain cannot handle that. I cannot have sex with more than one woman's without it affecting my closest relationships. I have to make a choice. I cannot have it all. Life is full of choices. And people, many wives, simply are not attracted to a whole bunch of shallow connections. What they desire is one deep, deep relationship. That's much more meaningful and valuable than a 1000 shallow ones. Exclusivity in sex adds value to sex. When one person cheats, he takes away from the value of sex the two share. When a husband chases porn and lust, the wife feels insecure of the relationship, wondering if she can depend on him to stay committed.
Just started reading Women, Sex, and Addiction. And it is very good so far. I did not expect codependency to be discussed in the book. But a great deal on that topic is discussed. Codependency is hard to define. It's better defined as what the person is not.
Codependents are not in touch with themselves. They spend their energy being the person that others want them to be and doing the things that others want them to do. Because they desperately need their validation. Sounds much like my NGS. Anyways, codependents often wind up with sex addicts because they tend to put up with a lot to stay in the relationship.
It's Wednesday and I normally take this day off. I plan to workout downstairs and then take my wife out on a date. And maybe I'll get a little prayer time in between.
Today is going much better than yesterday when it comes to my toxicity level. I owe myself the chance to see where this all goes. I have hope. I would love to see my sobriety go past one year.
The toxicity meter has been a much more valuable tool than I anticipated. I've been at TL level 8 a couple of times since my last reset. But I'm trusting myself more each day. I've avoided all level 9 behaviors because I don't want to reset my clock. If I park at a massage parlor, that's a reset. If I drive down hooker alley, that's a reset. If I type in a qualifying search term in my browser such as swimsuits, that's a reset. You get the idea. Level 9 behaviors constitute a reset and I don't want that to happen. Level 10 seems farther away each day. And thinking about such seems more and more a waste of my time.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 2, 2022 16:48:29 GMT -7
I mentioned the importance of monogamy and fidelity. When I view pornography on the internet, I view thousands of unclothed women. I seriously overload my brain. It becomes hijacked. It cannot handle that amount of stimulation. PIED is a common symptom of such behavior for that reason.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 6, 2022 1:37:40 GMT -7
Celebrating day 131.
I'm still reading Women, Sex, and Addiction. I'm halfway through it now and it's very informative. Though it's a book for women, I find that much of the material is relatable to myself.
A few days ago, I had some fantasies. My toxicity level was at 6. Currently, I'm at 4. But the urge to lust and fantasize still linger. I believe much of that is due to my shame. Fantasy has played a big part of my life. All of my childhood, I used fantasy to alter my mood and escape. I didn't know that what I was doing was harmful. I figured everyone fantasized as much as me.
I was simply avoiding the pain of losing my father when he left my mom for another woman. And the pain of being without mom because she had to work to support us. So for much of my toddler years, I was watched over by a babysitter. Her name was Mrs. Baker. When I think of her, thoughts of anger and rage run through my mind. She was abusive. I remember being left secluded in a dark basement crib for much of the time. And if I made any sound, she would violently spank me. I feared her. I used fantasy to deal with the loneliness of that dark basement. Mrs. Baker never said one kind word to me. I realize that experience was a defining chapter of my life leading to sexual fantasy and raging, violent anger. I'm still harboring bitterness against her and I would like to let that go and walk in forgiveness.
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