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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Dec 24, 2021 18:10:14 GMT -7
Merry Christmas brother. May the Lord keep blessing you with goodness all around you. Thank you.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 25, 2021 12:59:55 GMT -7
Celebrating day 61.
Merry Christmas everyone!
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Post by Will on Dec 26, 2021 7:32:56 GMT -7
Merry Christmas bro! And congrats!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 27, 2021 16:08:05 GMT -7
Celebrating day 63.
Working today. God is good.
Happy Monday everyone!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 29, 2021 11:35:36 GMT -7
Celebrating day 65 today.
Got new front tires for my wife's car this morning. They were bald. So hopefully this should help her from slipping around as she's driving around.
Anyways, enjoying every minute of sobriety. Thank you, God. You are good.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Dec 29, 2021 17:07:35 GMT -7
Thank you Jesus. I'm happy for you brother.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 1, 2022 10:26:46 GMT -7
Day 68.
I was praying for a friend of mine from church. Mid December, he and his wife both contracted COVID-19 which led to pneumonia. They were both put on antibiotics. The wife healed fine and my friend, Steve, thought he was doing better too. But last Monday, he was having difficulty breathing, so he was transported to the hospital where they heavily sedated him and put him on a ventilator.
Thursday, they took him off sedation, but he didn't wake up. Yesterday, the doctors confirmed that Steve suffered several seizures which killed off his brain stem. They took him the ventilator that day. He's passed on.
Steve was a great model of Jesus Christ. I've known him for over 10 years. He was always happy to greet me at church. And we talked on the phone a few times. He was a good phone buddy. A very cheerful man even during not so cheerful circumstances. He was an extremely devoted husband and father. He was in his mid forties. Along with his wife, he leaves behind 5 kids, the youngest is 5.
I am saddened by this. I know he was a firm believer and that he's with the Lord Jesus now. But I pray for his family. Losing their father so suddenly on New Years Eve is going to leave a mark. Please pray for his family.
Lord, I'm sad. I have no answers to all this that occurred. I will miss my friend, but I'm sure that his family will miss him more. Please watch over them all. Protect and provide for their needs. Keep them from temptation and evil. I pray this in Jesus'name. Thank you and Amen.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jan 1, 2022 20:50:29 GMT -7
Dear Jesus, please comfort the family of Steve. This hurts Jesus. Lord, please help us to seek Your face and by seeking You, to find all the comfort and love and peace we need to get through these trials in life. Lord, please heal their hearts. In Jesus' name. Amen.
I just read this to my wife. We are very sad brother.
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Post by savedbygrace on Jan 2, 2022 14:15:43 GMT -7
Amen
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 4, 2022 9:33:55 GMT -7
Celebrating day 71 today.
Everyone, thank you for more prayers concerning my friend, Steve, and his family. Much appreciated.
Anyways, have a great, blessed, sober Tuesday!
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jan 4, 2022 18:50:18 GMT -7
Yes brother. We love you man. We'll see Steve soon.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 5, 2022 20:34:47 GMT -7
Yesterday, I started craving to act out. My mind's toxicity level went up to 7. I was a mess. My TL level has not been that high for over 2 months. But this morning, my toxicity level went to 8. By this time I was demonstrating horrible custody of my eyes and mind. I was watching videos on my phone without much concern for my boundaries. And today I was thinking about acting out throughout most of the day. It's strange. It's like the addict inside me knew exactly what behaviors would step over the line into level 9. So I didn't view any porn. I didn't masturbate. I didn't go near any places of acting out. I didn't put any nasty search terms in my browser. I wanted to go to level 10. But the addict in me just couldn't convince me to get past level 8. I tried playing the tape. Logically explaining to myself that porn has no value. Why crave something that has no value? That I was getting no benefit from this. And that wasn't working.
But later on, I played the tape again. And this time, I played it even longer. And recognized that after the acting out followed by the guilt followed by the cravings and the moodiness and the obsession and the void. The end of the tape let me back to here. Because without a doubt, I know that because I don't give up, ever, I will always come home. I've been here before. So why act out to begin with? From there, I started to come to my senses.
What I don't like about what happened these past 24 hours...
That I let my mind take me so far away from clarity. I'm not proud of that. And I'm not proud of some of the behaviors that I'm guilty of such as lusting after women in my view or on the screen.
What I do like about what's happened...
My boundaries. The toxicity level diagram that I've set for myself has been extremely helpful. Many times, over the years, I let myself go to level 9 thinking that it's okay because it's not a relapse. And then relapse happens shortly afterwards.
I like the fact that this is the first time I've craved in over 2 months! Wow! This is a first for me.
So my toxicity level is back to level 4. My mind and self has not been perfect, but according to my boundaries, I can still consider myself sober from porn 72 days. And I'm gonna take it. Thank you, Lord.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jan 5, 2022 21:19:50 GMT -7
I know what you mean brother. Today, I went shopping and there was a person there whom I always make small talk with. I prayed Lord, help me not to lust and keep this quick and pure. God was there but it was strong. I find myself that I am not even able to look at a women's face, we were both wearing masks so even the eyes are too much for me. When I look into the eyes of another women over .1 seconds, I am already intoxicated. That is how bad it is for me. My brain is not able to fix it, but I trust God, who is able to work through us, can fix it. I mean, I trust, God is able to give me power, and strength inside to control my eyes and thoughts. Today, I didn't lust I don't think. I just said "hello" and she asked me "how are you? how is your family?" I didn't get all glittery and excited and feel horniness at all. I was not even happy, but I had to answer and I said "we're fine". She tried to tell me how high the corona numbers were (it's getting worse here) and I was shocked. Not to give her some happy emotions or too much of my energy. I said "well, that's rough, take care, good bye" and that was it. But it was that kind of stuff that I deal with Monday - Friday at my job too. There are many wives I work with, all US Marine wives. Like that matters. They are so nice with their words of charm like "Oh your so cute" but I know they tell that to all people in a friendly way, but I take it wrongly all the time. Today, this happened to me. I just asked her if I could turn on the the fan because it was too hot in the building and she said "your so cute" and I was not trying to be cute, I didn't not smile (I'm wearing a mask in the building all day) but her mannerisms are like this. I don't want to say bad things about her but..wow. that is too much. If any women is there listening to listening to this, if you say to a guy "your so cute" as in a way like you tell your son or daughter, the man (me in this case) might take it wrongly because our mind is so warped and will turn anything into a sex thing. Sad how broken I am. I can't even take a non-chalet compliment for what it's worth. Anyway, I work with a lot of Asian women too, that alone is a huge trigger, I don't know what it is, I can't handle it. If women are thorn for me, Asian women, even the most oldest, fattest, ugliest, are all hot super models to me. It's not there fault.
You know I have been like this since I was very young so it's just I deal with on a daily basis.
How do I change so I view women in a pure way? I only know to pray and obey as best as I can. Today I consider a small victory, but according to Ephesians 6:10-18, there will be 'a day' that Satan will again return to test/tempt me and I have to do everything before to prep myself. I'm not talking down to you at all brother, I'm saying for my own sake, because I have no other way to pass these trials.
Dear Jesus, please help my brother Kevin to be strong again and get more and more sober to a lower toxic level and please me too. Please help men not to lust women, but only be thinking of our own hot wife. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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Post by savedbygrace on Jan 6, 2022 7:02:35 GMT -7
Amen
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Post by amymine712 on Jan 6, 2022 7:34:06 GMT -7
Day 68. I was praying for a friend of mine from church. Mid December, he and his wife both contracted COVID-19 which led to pneumonia. They were both put on antibiotics. The wife healed fine and my friend, Steve, thought he was doing better too. But last Monday, he was having difficulty breathing, so he was transported to the hospital where they heavily sedated him and put him on a ventilator. Thursday, they took him off sedation, but he didn't wake up. Yesterday, the doctors confirmed that Steve suffered several seizures which killed off his brain stem. They took him the ventilator that day. He's passed on. Steve was a great model of Jesus Christ. I've known him for over 10 years. He was always happy to greet me at church. And we talked on the phone a few times. He was a good phone buddy. A very cheerful man even during not so cheerful circumstances. He was an extremely devoted husband and father. He was in his mid forties. Along with his wife, he leaves behind 5 kids, the youngest is 5. I am saddened by this. I know he was a firm believer and that he's with the Lord Jesus now. But I pray for his family. Losing their father so suddenly on New Years Eve is going to leave a mark. Please pray for his family. Lord, I'm sad. I have no answers to all this that occurred. I will miss my friend, but I'm sure that his family will miss him more. Please watch over them all. Protect and provide for their needs. Keep them from temptation and evil. I pray this in Jesus'name. Thank you and Amen. I am sorry for the loss of your friend. It is hard when our loved ones go home to Jesus. I will be praying for his family and for you.
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