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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jan 7, 2022 18:50:58 GMT -7
Kevin, I am reading a Bible plan right now on "overcoming the fear of death" and I wanted to share some verses that I have to keep telling myself and maybe it applies to this situation. 'Instead, I say that we are confident and willing to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord. So whether present or absent, we labor that we may be accepted by Him. ' 2 Corinthians 5:8-9 my.bible.com/bible/1171/2CO.5.8-9'Then I heard a voice from heaven saying to me, “Write: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.” “Yes,” says the Spirit, “that they may rest from their labors, for their works follow them.”' Revelation 14:13 my.bible.com/bible/1171/REV.14.13
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javajake
Silver Member
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Post by javajake on Jan 9, 2022 9:30:59 GMT -7
Sorry to hear about your friend Kevin. The ventilator is almost always a death sentence with this COVID from what I have seen. They are withholding the real cures for this virus. I have found that taking Zicam or the generic form of it at the first sign of a sniffle or drainage down the throat will stop whatever is trying to start. Last time I was sick was almost 2 years ago and at that time it was bad. I believe we need to focus more on keeping our hands washed and off our faces after going out in public. The masks in my opinion should only be worn by people who are actually sick and going out in public. Just my experience. Stay safe and healthy brother!!
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 9, 2022 11:51:43 GMT -7
I struggled a lot yesterday. My mind was again at toxicity level 8. Somehow, I chose to not proceed to level 9. And I'm glad I did. God's been good. Anyways, my toxicity level is back at 4 today. Currently celebrating day 76.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jan 9, 2022 15:49:37 GMT -7
That is great brother. I understand brother.
Dear Jesus, please help Kevin and us brothers to keep our minds pure. Please help our hearts because the evil one is constantly bombarding us to make us fall and we do not want to Lord Jesus. Please help us and strenthen us to do the right thing. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 12, 2022 6:43:40 GMT -7
It's the morning and in a few hours my clock will hit day 79. Getting closer to that 90 day milestone. And I'm looking forward to it.
Yesterday, I enjoyed a level 3 day. I had a chance to talk with 2 people on the phone yesterday. I've not made outreach calls a huge priority in my life lately. It was an item on my To-do list back in the day.
Yesterday, I also started working out. And I took some time in prayer and reading the book of James. That's another three items on my old To-Do list. I didn't think about bringing that back into my recovery path until today.
Not so I can use it as a tool to combat my porn use, but I need to reinforce my NGS recovery path. I'm not sure if I'm making perfect sense and I'm not going to try.
It's just that the state of my mind is not at the level that I want it to be. This morning, I entertained a porn fantasy. Even after understanding that porn has no value, my soul continues to fight with my conscience. Having a few days of my toxicity level at level 8 didn't do much to increase my confidence. Anyways, I feel toxic shame to still be an underlying root that needs to be addressed. I love my new path. The EasyWay method that God led me to really makes sense to me. And for 60+ days, I've enjoyed level 4 days; sometimes level 3. And that's amazing! Never in my dreams did I ever thought that possible. And I knew I was done with porn, but after having those tough days of cravings, I started to second guess myself.
And I'm figuring that much of what's going on is the toxic shame inside me still wanting to undermine and sabotage my progress. And it's time that I redirect my focus to address that nasty root.
Something additional on my mind. Any inkling in my mind whatsoever that, one day, I can or will use porn again has to go. My mind has truly shifted a lot. But it needs to go all the way; from I cannot use to I don't want to use, ever! And the thought of returning to that is disgusting so why would I entertain that for a second in my mind?
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jan 12, 2022 6:58:26 GMT -7
I'm proud of you brother. Looks like the Lord is really helping you and showing you a lot of good things. I wanted to share this promise with you. 'Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, yes, who is risen, who is also at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: “For Your sake we are killed all day long; we are counted as sheep for the slaughter.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities nor powers, neither things present nor things to come, neither height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.' Romans 8:33-39Since I think you are elect, the toxic shame, might be coming not from the Holy Spirit but from the enemy. I know I feel guilty everything I stare too long at a women's face. I always feel like i"m a dog in heat or some animal but if that is kind of like 'toxic shame' perhaps it's not from God and from the enemy trying to constantly accuse me. I think Satan is the accuser of the brethern and is a master mind manipulator and we know the Holy Spirit also convicts us of our sins too, but the shame, I think, leads us to godly sorrow and repentance then it's a sin we confess and forsake and back in a good standing with God again (1st John 1:9). I know this toxic shame is a big deal brother. I feel this too. And I'm definately not trying to say that if the Holy Spirit is bring conviction then it's bad or toxic shame. I just wanted to clarify unless Satan try to twist the meaning and intent of what I'm trying to say. Personally, I want the Holy Spirit to tell me, convict me, in my conscience and I want to have wisdom to know and recognize this. and the other hand, Satan, the accuser of the brethern, mimics God and His ways, to try to package God's truth into a Satanic lie. Like the fruit outside looks good, but the seeds are pure poison, so it's hard to tell what is really conviction and what is the constant, nagging, bombarding of the evil one. Satan tries to dump our shame on us, but God is trying and takes shame off us. Not shame on Kevin, shame off Kevin, and I am speaking to me too.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 12, 2022 7:09:42 GMT -7
Yes Ɖσмιиιc, There exists a healthy shame that I feel when I've done something wrong and sinned. That's a shame that leads to repentance. But toxic shame is not healthy. It's this inner core belief inside my soul that thinks that I'm worthless; that I'm a piece of garbage. That's a lie from the enemy. And it's very deeply rooted as well. I'm not usually aware of it consciously. But it manifests itself through my personality. I don't have an easy fix for that. But that's okay. This process of God removing that unhealthy shame doesn't have to be immediate for myself to progress and grow.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jan 12, 2022 7:12:22 GMT -7
Thank you for explaining it brother. I guess the Lord will have to keep working on us and get us through it. I recall that verse "when I am weak, He is strong"
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 13, 2022 12:38:13 GMT -7
I'm checking in. Day 80.
So last night and this morning, I entertained fantasies. I'm not happy about that. Lord, I'm sorry. I repent. Forgive me.
I've hurt a lot of people with this sin. God, my wife, my family, lots of people. But I've greatly hurt myself. I've chased after something that has no value, falling for a lie, an illusion. The pleasure is not real. And afterwards, I'm left wanting more. That's what the drug does.
My brain's toxicity level is at 5. Why is it that my soul continues to crave what is bitter? Although I don't consider fantasies something to reset my counter, I do understand that each time I entertain myself through fantasy I'm still creating a dopamine effect in my brain. It's like a little act out session. The amount of dopamine released may not be as much as when I'm acting out by viewing porn online or with some other acting out behavior. But it still puts me on the hamster wheel of craving relief craving relief craving relief etc. For much of my life, I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to it. And as a result, i relapsed a lot. I've said it before, it's not what I do, but what occurs in my mind as I'm doing it.
Still, I believe there's a lot of Hope for me. I do believe that God's carrying me through this. It's not perfection, but I do believe that I'm making excellent progress. And I'm gonnab take it. Currently right now, my mind and eyes are in a good place. I'm exercising good custody of them. I'll be all right. I'm enjoying the fact that sobriety is a better life. And that porn, in any form, is misery.
Everyone, have a blessed and sober Thursday.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 15, 2022 9:46:52 GMT -7
I enjoyed such a great level 4 day yesterday. I also worked out, read a little Bible, and took some time for prayer. But then again, I'm guilty of entertaining fantasies this morning. Level 5. Lord, I repent. Please forgive me.
Maybe this custody of the mind thing will get better over time with sobriety. It's certainly not perfection, but it's definitely progress.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 15, 2022 9:48:13 GMT -7
Oh, and I forgot. It's day 82 for me. No P, no MB. I'll take it.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 16, 2022 16:08:27 GMT -7
Celebrating day 83.
Great level 4 day. No cravings. In other words, it's just an awesome day. Started off with church. Starting work late. But that's okay. It really is great being free from porn. This experience is long overdue.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jan 16, 2022 20:09:18 GMT -7
That is great brother. Keep going. Thank you Jesus. I will be there too with you.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 20, 2022 0:13:26 GMT -7
Celebrating day 86. I've been having some very blessed days recently. Getting close to the big 90 and I'm just feeling joy. Historically, days 83-86 have been extremely difficult. In the past, my soul would continually look back at the pleasure of acting out. But now I understand that porn does not produce pleasure. That is a lie. And I finally feel free. I'm not craving. I'm not oggling. Some temptation, but I've been at level 4 in my mind. This is awesome! Never give up, ever.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 21, 2022 12:07:53 GMT -7
Celebrating day 88. I honestly have no cravings. I accept that porn has done so much harm to myself. It has no value. And the thought of trading the opportunity of storing treasure in heaven in order to pursue something that is absolutely worthless seems kind of foolish.
While shopping at the store, I don't go scoping all the ladies anymore. It's just that one was directly in front of me yesterday. Otherwise, I wouldn't have noticed she was wearing tight metallic pink leather jeans. I bounced my eyes and went on my way. Nice try, little monster! Anyways, what others are wearing around me doesn't really bother me as much anymore. Regardless of what others are wearing, it's kind of hard to lust after them if I'm not looking at them. And if I do look, the one person I'm directly hurting is myself.
And this share is not meant to tell others what to wear. Doing that doesn't get received very well. Thus, comments against people's clothes don't seem to be very helpful.
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