KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 24, 2021 9:23:52 GMT -7
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Post by savedbygrace on Nov 24, 2021 15:08:12 GMT -7
Thank you, Jesus !!!
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Post by Will on Nov 24, 2021 19:46:40 GMT -7
Praise God! His mercies endure forever
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2021 1:08:59 GMT -7
Yes, Amen brother. You are free, the Son has set you free and you are free indeed. Amen. In the Father's hands, the enemy can't get to you.
Thank you Jesus. Lord, please set the rest of us free. Also Lord, our spouses who got hurt by our sins, please take their burdens too Lord. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 25, 2021 17:50:49 GMT -7
Day 31.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I survived. After spending days still preparing and cleaning for the holiday, I was exhausted. My son's girlfriend and her mother were here. And we made it through. That was the first time we met the mother and there was some anxiety. I'm glad it's over. And best of all. I made it through sober.
I had opportunity though. This morning, my daughter, being Jr. Miss queen in our town, was passing awards at today's Turkey Trot this morning. I spent a lot of time looking up and bouncing my eyes today. With all the women dressed in their gear, I knew that too many looks was going to overheat my brain. It's kind of like taking that first drink for me. It's not the women's fault that my mind is fragile. Anyways, had to remind myself that I was not missing out. But I honestly never felt more free. At times, I actually enjoyed myself.
I had a similar trigger at the Target store yesterday. There were so many people and most of them were women. I could have spent an hour checking out each one for 3 seconds each. But it's just easier for me not to look. I really don't want to get on that hamster wheel again. I'm done with porn on any level.
So I'm really content to say that I'm still maintaining a toxicity level of 4 in my mind. That is excellent. Each day seems to be getting better and I do look forward to what God has in store for me in the days to come.
Thanks everyone. Have a happy, blessed, sober holiday.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 29, 2021 7:31:17 GMT -7
Celebrating day 34.
For the longest time I held onto the lie that porn makes me feel good.
I mean, of course, if it didn't feel good, I wouldn't have done it, right? Wrong!
Perhaps in my frame of reference, like starving myself for three days followed by an eating binge of moldy bread. Sure, that moldy bread will taste good. But is it really good? No!
The biggest lie I've held onto is that porn makes me feel good. And throughout most of this journey, I felt that I was giving up something of great value. I observed other recovering people around me. And I see that they still placed value in their DOC. Though they still choose a sober life because it had more value than addiction.
And in my hamster ball, this controlled environment where porn created a desire for more and desensitized my senses to other pleasures around me, I really felt the high. But it is all an illusion.
This high that I was getting was simply a relieving of the withdrawal and cravings that were originally caused by my porn use. And although I tried to abstain, the cravings in between sessions meant a lifetime of misery. It's a trap, a prison, bondage. A sad miserable existence.
And no matter how much desire and willpower I exerted, I was still in chains, unable to escape. I lost control a long time ago. In fact, I never had control to begin with. God knew this all along. He never condemned me. Although, I caused a lot of pain to others, He knew that I was trapped.
The truth is that porn has no value. Why crave for something that has no value? I don't. I was tricked into believing a lie.
You know, God really does have a key. The Word says that if you'll seek Him, you'll find Him. Ask and you shall receive. For me, it didn't happen as soon as I wanted. I guess I'm a slow learner. But God has been faithful and generous as well as compassionate.
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Post by savedbygrace on Nov 29, 2021 7:45:22 GMT -7
AMEN
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 1, 2021 23:33:08 GMT -7
Celebrating day 37.
Today I stayed home. I cleaned out the turtle tank, fixed a window, and replaced a faucet. Meanwhile, we're celebrating Hanukkah as a family this week. Today is the fourth day. No, we're not Jewish. My wife is 100% Puerto Rican. But our daughter loves the holiday so much, we're celebrating it. So far, my toxicity level still remains at 4.
Most of us are familiar with the story of Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt. It's sad that all except a few constantly complained and wanted to go back. God's answer was to let them die off so that their kids could enter the promised land.
Porn is like Egypt. Like Egypt, porn is a slavery, a bondage. And when I've abstained, I've looked back feeling deprived. For those Israelites, they kept thinking of Egypt as something good, at least they got fed. Yeah right, after being worked to the bone for 16 hours straight, then they probably got tossed some stale bread. I'm sure they delighted in that.
But I'm sure their descendants saw it differently. They probably thought their parents were crazy to want to return to Egypt. They were slaves. What could be worse than that? They knew that there was no value in slavery.
Non-users also intrinsically understand that porn has no value. Wives, for instance, are flabbergasted to find that their husbands desire porn. Why go to porn when real intimacy is available via his wife? Neither one understands the trap he's in.
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Post by Will on Dec 2, 2021 4:54:50 GMT -7
Wow. Porn is like Egypt. So true!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 2, 2021 17:11:35 GMT -7
Day 38.
Not much to report on my day. Working, came home for 5th day of Hanukkah. Now, back at work. My toxicity level is still standing at 4. Porn, lust, or fantasy is not appealing to me. I don't want it. So I'm having a great day.
God bless everyone
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 2, 2021 19:15:01 GMT -7
I wanted to share something about Job. I always thought of him as this super righteous man, and he was. But recall how he chose to make a covenant with his eyes and not look at any woman besides his wife.
I started to think more about this. If Job didn't struggle with lust, why would he have to make a covenant with his eyes? And then it dawned on me that he actually did struggle with lust. He and I actually think alike in this matter. He understood that it was simply easier to not look than to look without lusting.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 3, 2021 15:55:14 GMT -7
Just wanted to check in. Day 39. So I took a break from work this afternoon due to the Hanukkah blessing with my family. Plus I helped pump up a basketball for my daughter who's playing with her brother. And I put on a new bumper on my car. I was in an accident last month I had to fix it. It's a pain. But it could have been a lot worse. And for that I'm grateful to God.
Have a wonderful sober Friday everyone
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2021 22:13:42 GMT -7
Celebrating day 37. Today I stayed home. I cleaned out the turtle tank, fixed a window, and replaced a faucet. Meanwhile, we're celebrating Hanukkah as a family this week. Today is the fourth day. No, we're not Jewish. My wife is 100% Puerto Rican. But our daughter loves the holiday so much, we're celebrating it. So far, my toxicity level still remains at 4. Most of us are familiar with the story of Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt. It's sad that all except a few constantly complained and wanted to go back. God's answer was to let them die off so that their kids could enter the promised land. Porn is like Egypt. Like Egypt, porn is a slavery, a bondage. And when I've abstained, I've looked back feeling deprived. For those Israelites, they kept thinking of Egypt as something good, at least they got fed. Yeah right, after being worked to the bone for 16 hours straight, then they probably got tossed some stale bread. I'm sure they delighted in that. But I'm sure their descendants saw it differently. They probably thought their parents were crazy to want to return to Egypt. They were slaves. What could be worse than that? They knew that there was no value in slavery. Non-users also intrinsically understand that porn has no value. Wives, for instance, are flabbergasted to find that their husbands desire porn. Why go to porn when real intimacy is available via his wife? Neither one understands the trap he's in.
Well said brother. I agree. It's crazy to go back to slavery. I like God's answer, it's tough and I am so stubborn that I need a good strong tough dad (our Heavenly Father). Yes, he loves us, Yes, it's true, and yes, he will discpline his children. Ouch.
My mind is so double-minded at times.
One example, at the store, I saw a mother with children. the children wanted snacks, but the mother says 'no' but I (in my partial lust??) almost bought them the snacks in order to "look good" in front of the mother and get her to "notice me", that is how deep and how subconscious my lust is, so deep in the heart, I barely even know I am doing it".
God knows my intent, yes, part of of me wanted to bless the three boys, but part of me, wanted to "look good" to the mother. Sick, sick sick.
Lord, I am wrong, and sorry, I confess this and I am in need of a new heart, Please help me. please help me to love children and no impure thoughts towards mothers. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 4, 2021 9:23:44 GMT -7
40 days and 40 nights I'll take it!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 5, 2021 22:09:11 GMT -7
Celebrating day 41.
Hi everyone, I'm enjoying today. My wife and I went out for a lunch at the cheesecake factory. It was nice spending the time with just her and I on a date together. My mom gave us gift cards to the restaurant a couple of months ago for our 15-year anniversary. We're finally just going now.
And we celebrated our last day of Hanukkah today. All the candles are lit on our menorah. And we gave presents to the girls.
My toxicity level has still consistently been on level four. There has been more temptation, but I'm holding fast. Something has clicked inside me and I like it. I have so much hope.
Well bless you all. Have an awesome sober Sunday.
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