KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 5, 2021 21:52:41 GMT -7
Furthermore, I did want to offer a shout out to a fellow member. Luke, savagetribe, I do believe you understand a lot of what I just mentioned above. You know that porn is a big lie. And you're experiencing the freedom from it. Thanks for sharing your experience and my hope is for all of here to understand what that is like.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 7, 2021 5:43:29 GMT -7
Day 12. Toxicity level 4. Awesome. Freedom.
This past week, we've been cleaning the house to prepare for an arriving friend who coming from Wisconsin to visit. We've been working all week. I've taken off work to do so. Boy! Our house was a mess oh, an absolute disaster. And we still have more to do no, but our friend is coming today. So there's only so much we're going to be able to finish up.
The house looks so much better. It's been a long time since it's been this nice. I hope that we can continue to clean it up after our friend leaves.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 8, 2021 16:05:37 GMT -7
Celebrating day 14.
I'm done. I'm no longer a user. I'm an ex-user; a non-user.
This is the first time I'm saying something like this in over 27 years.
The more I progress, the more I sense God moving me on a different path than previously instructed by the 12 steps.
I'm not going to criticize the 12 steps. They've helped a lot. And when I was part of it, I feel God was using them in a great way. I envied those people who never relapsed. Sometimes, they would even crave. But God had a better way for me. Wow! God really has favor for me. Looking back on my relapses, simply God's way of nudging me in a better direction. 3 second rule... Not working for me. Fantasies... Still no. If it works don't fix it, nope. Because it's broken, or stops working oh, it's time for me to fix it. And if trying harder doesn't work oh, it's time for me to try different. This too shall pass... Not exactly a good long-term strategy for me.
I stopped craving. The cravings didn't stop until I stopped the craving. Besides, I can't crave without fantasizing. And when I fantasize, I get high. And then I start the dopamine cycle all over again. I don't want porn. It does nothing for me. It has no value.
And when I say porn, I'm not just referring to watching XXX videos. I'm referring to at all; fornication; masturbation with fantasy, fantasy without masturbation, lusting at women walking down the street, getting high from checking out girls in FB. It's all porn. Any type of two-dimensional act or thought devoid of any commitment, communication, intimacy, trust, and all that other emotional stuff I don't understand is not sex, it's porn to me. I can do the same thing with the look of lust as I can with an x-rated magazine. Neither one has value. And I don't envy users. I pity them.
For virtually all of my life, I've been a user. I've discovered that even before I was six years old sneaking a peek at that portal mag at the magazine rack, I was already addicted before then. How? Because for years before that, I was already getting high off of fantasies; fantasies where I imagine seeing girls without clothes on. I didn't view a whole lot of pornography until I was 19, but it didn't matter. I found enough porno material on the TV, on the radio, on the street, in my sister's girly magazines, in the library to keep the cycle going.
And for all of my life, I was duped, brainwashed to think that what I was addicted to what's the best thing in the world. In my bubble, nothing felt better; not even close. What's sad is that I called this sex. But it isn't sex. I confused it with porn thinking that it was ten times better than anything else in the world. I gave it way more value than it deserved. But in my bubble, it really felt and seemed that way. Between sessions of using, the dopamine would wear off, and my body would crave again. And over the years, My flesh was conditioned to believe there nothing was better than this. But all that was happening was that in between sessions, I would get moody, depressed, angry, irritable, obsessing until I relieved myself of the symptoms when I acted out. And I called it sex. I thought it was sex. When I heard others talk about sex, I actually was thinking of porn. I knew nothing else. I still know nothing else. Except now, I know that porn has no value and I'm not going to use it.
I used to believe that most women weren't good at sex. But now, I understand the truth, that most women aren't good at porn. The one that's not good at sex is me. I doubt if I even know what real genuine sex is.
I'm free from porn. But I'm still doing recovery. Because I have a lot to work on with my NGS, my toxic shame, and this new life ahead of me. Praise God.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2021 20:19:07 GMT -7
Thank you Kevin. I'm glad that you are sharing and you have something working for you. God is good. I should check out the book.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 13, 2021 13:20:07 GMT -7
Celebrating day 19.
I'm at my daughter's queen pageant right now. She's 10, and she's competing for Junior Miss Lake County.
I feel like I'm enjoying this. And I'm enjoying a sober life.
I'm not lusting. Although my mind is still fragile, so I'm keeping my eyes in check. I'm not exposing them to too much stimuli. I remember that lust is porn and it's addictive. It's still easier to not look than to look without lusting. So I'm not checking out all the women in the auditorium. (Something I've done a lot over the years) Besides, they're not checking me out either. I'm finally free.
After so many years of dealing with this. Why did this have to take so long? Feeling sad and angry about that last night. But some men never get it. And I probably have much more life left in me. It's time to make the rest of my days count.
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Post by Will on Nov 15, 2021 3:01:49 GMT -7
You DO have much more life in you bro! Eternal life even! This is great stuff Kevin, keep it going!!!
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Post by savagetribe on Nov 15, 2021 4:09:10 GMT -7
Amazing transformation in God. Life in God provides sexual freedom for all. Sexual freedom is also the capacity to have a real intimate relationship with your spouse. Spiritual, mind and body. This is the gift from God he bestows on marriage. With sexual sin, it Rob's us from having any real intimate relationship with others. Keep going brother all out for God.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 15, 2021 23:45:17 GMT -7
Porn is bondage.
Righteousness is freedom.
I'm not missing out by stopping porn.
I'm missing out by using it.
God loves me so much. So much that He continually raised me up when I could no longer continue. He leads me to righteousness. He never forsaken me. Even in the depths of my sin. He knew I was trying. God knows I was trying to stop. I am not a failure. And I am not a mistake.
21 days ago. I relapsed. And I felt so hopeless that I was planning moderation. I knew that if I didn't at least moderate, this sin would kill me. But God made a way for me. I know now that moderation is a dead end. Moderation is misery.
Porn is all I knew. I worry what life will be like without it. Will I be able to function? I shouldn't worry. God is bigger than all of this.
Never give up. I will not be that person that thinks will never be free. I'm done with porn. And I will not mope about that fact.
Celebrating day 21.
Thank you
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 16, 2021 7:14:05 GMT -7
I woke up this morning concerned I've been behaving pretty proudful lately.
I admit that I've been coming off as a big know-it-all. I was reminded last night, and not everyone has the same path. God does work in mysterious and different ways.
In the Bible, the stories of God's power are quite different. The defeat of Jericho, a very unique victory, was never ever repeated again. The same goes for Gideons army of 300. The list of such unique victories goes on and on. God's path for me has been very unique. What's worked for others has been helpful to me, but perhaps I needed more. I'm looking back at the 12 years of 12-step meetings that I was in. I see some people that are greatly benefited by it. Who am I to judge that my way is better? The fact is, God showed me a lot through those 12 years. And I have to admit that much of what I've gained came from that chapter of my life.
This proud attitude actually stems from my toxic shame. It's a feeling that I need to be perfect for people to like me. But instead, it turns a lot of people off.
I wanted to express and I'm sorry for holding a proud attitude. I've got to pay attention to that. Because I don't think others are going to really care how much I know until they know how much I care.
Thanks everybody. Have a great blessed day. I'm going to do mine sober.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 16, 2021 23:21:39 GMT -7
Celebrating day 22.
I took my wife to see the orthopedic specialist today. She's still recovering from an elbow and wrist injury she suffered while roller skating 2.5 months ago.
At first, her doctor said she had a complex break that would probably need surgery. But second opinions took follow up x-rays to see that everything was healing on its own. That, we believe, was a miracle. But my wife is suffering through a lot of pain. Her right arm is still weak. She's going through physical therapy. Today, we were concerned that things weren't healing right. But the doctors concluded from x-rays that her arm is healing very well. She just needs to rest it more. I'm very relieved to hear that news.
The doctor was in downtown Chicago. Lots of people were all around, but I had no problem keeping custody of my eyes today. It's still just easier for me not to look than to look without lusting. For me, any look of lust is still porn. It's devoid of any intimacy, trust, emotional connection, and love. And porn has zero value. Why pursue something that I know has no value? My life is better without it.
Take care everyone. Have a good night.
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Post by savedbygrace on Nov 18, 2021 11:36:07 GMT -7
Thankful for that good news! I pray she will continue to heal well.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 20, 2021 5:40:06 GMT -7
Celebrating day 25.
Good morning everyone. I hope that we're all having a super sober blessed Saturday.
I'm getting ready to go to work. I love my job.
My wife is trying like mad to get our house ready for Thanksgiving. And my son's new girlfriend and her family is coming over. Yikes!
My wife hired a friend yesterday to help clean the kitchen. And it's still a mess today.
For the past few weeks, my toxicity level has still been at 4. That's good. I've been struggling a little with doubt about my freedom. Since I've relapsed so much over the years, how can I be sure that I'm completely done?
Anyways, I'm not thinking of porn or desiring it. At this point, I cognitively see the lie that porn has fed me. I just don't know what to expect from here on out. Will life be completely boring to me? Will I find joy in other things? Either way, anything is better than the trap of porn. That's the truth. And it took me a looooong time to really see and understand that.
Have a good day everyone. May the Lord be at your side.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2021 19:20:29 GMT -7
That is great news brothers. mmmmm. 🍗 turkey. (drools). I hope your son and girlfriend see how a good family is run, like you and your wife, I consider you guys a good family. I know I'm going to be scared when my sons says "hey I have a girlfriend" 🤔
I'm glad to here your updates. God is good.
Dear God, please help my brother Kevin and his wife to make this a good Thanksgiving holiday. Please help his son and girlfriend to enjoy this family time. Please bless their fellowship in Jesus' name. Amen.
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Post by amymine712 on Nov 23, 2021 9:04:25 GMT -7
It is good to examine yourself but don't fall for the doubt. That is not from Christ. Rebuke the doubt and speak truth to it. Have scripture ready which is the only truth doubt understands.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 23, 2021 19:21:10 GMT -7
Celebrating day 29. Feeling free. Each day seems to get easier.
I longer feel the need to stop porn. I just don't want it. From there, making the choice for a new life is easy. I'm free. God is good.
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