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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2011 13:46:44 GMT -7
DW, while there are many commonalities in addiction, each person and family dynamic differs to varying degrees. Some are repentent, some in denial. Some are steeped and hardened, others realizing much sooner that their behavior is going in a direction they recognize as destructive. Please try not to see all who recognize a need to make changes in their integrity through the filter of your husband who does not seem yet to have recognized his need.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2011 2:07:16 GMT -7
His need to proclaim that he us a great father us quite telling. So are his repeated attempts to blame the victim--his wife.
He's no different. He's still stuck in the vortex of self-deception.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2011 10:04:10 GMT -7
Once, there were two field mice who loved milk. The lived near a dairy barn and loved to go in the barn and lap up the spilled fresh milk. One day, the two mice are in the barn and as they're walking across a wooden plank, the plank slips and the two mice fall into a bucket of raw milk.
Now, the two mice are friends, but one of the mice is a pessimist and one is an optimist. The bucket is about half full of milk and despite their best efforts the mice can't get out of the bucket.
The pessimist mouse says "We're going to die, we might as well just drown." The optimist mouse says "Just keep treading milk."
An hour later the pessimist says "I can't go on any longer, we might as well just drown." The optimist mouse says "Just keep treading milk."
Another hour goes by and the pessimist says, "I can't go on, it hurts too bad and I'm tired." The optimist mouse says "Just keep treading milk."
Still another hour goes by and pessimist says, "Listen... I really can't do this any more. My legs hurt, my body hurts, and I'm so very tired. We should just let ourselves drown." The optimist mouse says "Just keep treading milk."
And yet another hour goes by. Now the pessimist has had enough. He says, "Ok, I'm done. I can't go on anymore. We all have limits and I've reached mine. Please, can't we just let ourselves die. It's hopeless and why do we keep hoping against hope." The optimist mouse says "Just keep treading milk."
Finally... the pessimist is done. He tells the optimist that he will not keep treading milk. But suddenly... the pessimist realizes that the milk isn't really milk anymore. It's harder... he can step on it.
The milk has turned into butter. The two mice stand on the butter and hope out of the bucket.
This story I read recently is a perfect metaphor for the walk-away-spouse situation. The person (folks in similar situation as I am) trying to salvage what is has to be the optimist mouse. We have to keep treading the milk. We have to keep showing our spouse that we're treading the milk so they should too... even if it's half-heartedly. Or at the very least don't just drown themselves in pity and anger.
And eventually... without us even realizing it, suddenly our milk may turn to butter and we can pull ourselves out of our bucket. Idealistic? Maybe, but worth trying, right? My wife did the lamenting and begging before, so now it's my turn to try.
(Conversely, this story can even be applied as a perfect metaphor to the "victimized" (I hate using that word) spouse too.)
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2011 10:30:03 GMT -7
Aaron, do you think it works if you try harder with your own effort?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2011 10:30:45 GMT -7
His need to proclaim that he us a great father us quite telling. So are his repeated attempts to blame the victim--his wife. He's no different. He's still stuck in the vortex of self-deception. DW, I have a feeling you're right.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2011 10:38:33 GMT -7
Aaron, do you think it works if you try harder with your own effort? Hi Man! Can you clarify: Are you asking if what I'm doing is actually working, or was that rhetorical?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2011 10:46:39 GMT -7
Aaronleong: I am asking.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2011 10:54:08 GMT -7
[quote author="Man[/user] wrote: [/b] DW, I have a feeling you're right.
[/quote] I don't see the point of lingering on the past for an indefinite period of time (i.e. I was a horrible person/husband/father/friend/employee/Christian). It does no good to one's self...it's self-destructive and self-pitying. And in the case of porn addiction, it sure doesn't help with the recovery. I am sorry and regretful of what I did (mind you, I'm not claiming I'm over the addiction -- far from it, but thanks to the tools I've surrounded myself with, I am in control of it more than ever and dang proud of it), but I have to move forward. Therefore, I repeat this mantra when I wake up every morning - I'm going to be best person, father, husband, lover, friend, Christian, companion and employee to anyone and everyone.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2011 21:51:43 GMT -7
Okay Aaron, but does it help you? What kind of fruits/ results do you get in your life? do you get peace, love, joy?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2011 11:12:34 GMT -7
Okay, what's up guys?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2011 5:56:19 GMT -7
Whoa, it's been almost 2 months since I last checked in. Hope everyone had a safe and peaceful Christmas! I did. Our son is away in TN with my wife's family, so I had the opportunity to spend Christmas with awesome, positive church friends.
UPDATE
9 Days until I see our son again! This is, by far, the longest time he's been away. I really hope this doesn't become the norm. I just want to update you guys on two of my battlefronts:
1. Divorce: I'm completing the initial financial disclosure forms in order to move the divorce along. Have a phone appointment with my lawyer later to discuss the next course of action. Please pray for this; I hate what I'm doing and hate that I have to do it.
2. Porn addiction: So far, so good. I'm on day 223 of Operation No Jack. Time really flies when you don't think about it, or more precisely, when the addiction isn't at the forefront of your mind. Can I make it to a year (365 days)? Oh yes!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2011 2:30:36 GMT -7
2. Porn addiction: So far, so good. I'm on day 223 of Operation No Jack. Time really flies when you don't think about it, or more precisely, when the addiction isn't at the forefront of your mind. Can I make it to a year (365 days)? Oh yes! What kind of positive effects do you see when you count days? Greetings to everyone who wants: From the Bible: 3. John, verse 2
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2011 7:48:35 GMT -7
Thanks for the verse, Man.
Keeping track of this:
- Helps my perspective, especially on the big picture.
- Gives me achievable goals, e.g. now that I'm 223 days free, let's make 365 days and so on.
- Simply, it really feels good to see the number climb.
Have a happy New Year everybody! I'll be up in the mountains enjoying the cold, peace and being cut off from civilization.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2012 5:30:15 GMT -7
Thanks for the verse, Man. Keeping track of this: - Helps my perspective, especially on the big picture. - Gives me achievable goals, e.g. now that I'm 223 days free, let's make 365 days and so on. - Simply, it really feels good to see the number climb. Have a happy New Year everybody! I'll be up in the mountains enjoying the cold, peace and being cut off from civilization. That's fair enogh, but I disagree with your perspective. I think it is better to seek the Higher Power.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2012 10:25:33 GMT -7
Praise God -- Checking in to let y'all know that I'm on Day 296 of Operation No Jack. My eyes are targeted on the achieving the 365-day mark. I've been struggling not with the urges, but with my wife who, as recently as yesterday, made it known that I "always could hurt her" and that I'll always be an addict. A chair will always be a chair. Nonetheless, it's something I have to live with. Not in self-pity, mind you, but in self awareness and constant improvement.
I have some big decisions to make in the coming week or two, so I need you prayers and thoughts. She is moving to South Carolina in June and has made it known that she's taking our son with her. If she's willing to work on a more equal parenting schedule (50:50, rather than 70:30 now) and if I'm able to find an equal or better job there, then I'll strongly consider moving. But if neither pans out, I will have to file for an ex parte to keep our son in the state. If things weren't ugly enough now, it might be then. I'm not looking forward to any of it.
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