Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2011 4:28:30 GMT -7
"...You can thank myself and her for that. Porn, lies and internet may have started all of this, but it was her who decided to drop the rope....
Don't even go there. Don't blame your wife for ANY OF THIS.
This is YOUR FAULT. PERIOD. END OF STATEMENT. Accept personal responsibility for your failings.
Your wife is not responsible for ANY OF IT!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2011 4:35:01 GMT -7
"...You can thank myself and her for that. Porn, lies and internet may have started all of this, but it was her who decided to drop the rope.... Don't even go there. Don't blame your wife for ANY OF THIS. This is YOUR FAULT. PERIOD. END OF STATEMENT. Accept personal responsibility for your failings. Your wife is not responsible for ANY OF IT! I agree with you DW. You are clear, direct and tough. I appreciate that!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2011 4:37:13 GMT -7
Thank you, Man. I appreciate your feedback.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2011 5:03:23 GMT -7
"...You can thank myself and her for that. Porn, lies and internet may have started all of this, but it was her who decided to drop the rope.... Don't even go there. Don't blame your wife for ANY OF THIS. This is YOUR FAULT. PERIOD. END OF STATEMENT. Accept personal responsibility for your failings. Your wife is not responsible for ANY OF IT! Are you saying that my parents are accountable (especially in the eyes of God) for my failings in life up to this point? I would think your answer would be a resounding "No!" For their sakes, I hope not either. Likewise, would this (possible) divorce, and/or any of our son's future emotional/psychological/relational problems - be solely accountable to me? I've cleaned myself up, forgiven myself and everybody else in this ordeal, dusted off my boots, and pursue the Lord... things that God wants us to do, in the first place. The path my wife chose when she (my wife's words) prayed and meditated over this is solely hers. The good and bad that comes out of it is hers. Do I sound frustrated? Yes, because the same woman who asked me to do the very same things you mentioned - accept personal responsibility for your own actions - isn't doing that, not just with her life (I understand that her resentment could last months or years, but again, the Word instructs us against letting the sun go down on our wrath, right?), but more importantly, with our son's life. He is the love of my life now and when someone knowingly harms my boy, I am going to be emotional about it. To add to your comments, I agree that bringing porn into the relationship and letting it fester was my failing. I'm just not going to wear a sackcloth over my head or wallow in guilt and self-pity for the rest of my life - I'm moving up to higher ground for the sake of being a waaay better human being -- a waaay better Christ-follower, a waaay better father, husband, friend and lover. Thanks again for stopping in, DW.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2011 5:18:22 GMT -7
[quote author="aaronleong[/user] wrote: [/b] Do I sound frustrated? Yes, because the same woman who asked me to do the very same things you mentioned - accept personal responsibility for your own actions - isn't doing that, not just with her life (I understand that her resentment could last months or years, but again, the Word instructs us against letting the sun go down on our wrath, right?), but more importantly, with our son's life. He is the love of my life now and when someone knowingly harms my boy, I am going to be emotional about it.
[/quote] What do you achieve when you blame your wife?
You have a problem; You want to protect your son, right?
What exactly does she do wrong to your son?
How can you deal with these offenses?
My best!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2011 5:43:52 GMT -7
[user=449]Man[/user] wrote: 1. Nothing. It's pointless to project blame, but in this case I was venting in this forum, which I think is healthy. Better that than looking to porn for escapism!
2. The biggest thing? Summer 2012, she plans to have sole custody of him and take him away from his father to the East Coast. Among other things. I've journaled about some of the side effects our son is experiencing here and at other forum sites. And that's including all the standard/general problems a child of a broken home experiences.
3. Try to demonstrate (stressing the word 'demonstrate' and NOT 'try') unconditional love. I have to remember that even if she may not be my wife any more, she still is my sister in Christ. 'Nuff said.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2011 8:33:18 GMT -7
"Do I sound frustrated? Yes, because the same woman who asked me to do the very same things you mentioned - accept personal responsibility for your own actions - isn't doing that, not just with her life (I understand that her resentment could last months or years, but again, the Word instructs us against letting the sun go down on our wrath, right?), but more importantly, with our son's life. He is the love of my life now and when someone knowingly harms my boy, I am going to be emotional about it."
Spare me the nonsense.
Your wife is doing what she thinks is best for your son. She is accepting personal responsibility and moving on. I admire that. She is not knowingly harming your son or wallowing in it. That is your view, which I am certain is warped by years of porn use. She is taking responsibility and getting on with her life. BRAVO!
Stop trying to blame your wife.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2011 9:43:27 GMT -7
Thanks for your response. Please see MY response to MAN about where I'm at. Is it so hard to comprehend that even a porn addict can (as you said, but applied to myself) take responsibility and get on with my life? Except in my perspective, I don't think I need to punish my wife, son, friends and/or family by depriving them of what they deserve and have.
Have you heard of role reversal? That's what walkaway spouses and left-behind spouses go through. It's natural and shouldn't be frowned upon. BUT, that's the worldly norm and not what we're called to do (no matter your religious belief), we're called to love one another (and I don't mean the usual separation/divorce quote "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore.") and strive for a balance, rather than happy vs sad, good vs bad, uplifted vs depressed, rich vs. poor...you get the idea.
True, what my wife is doing is moving on with her life. However, it is part of nature to do so. She severed her relationship with her parents and siblings 6 years ago and she disassociated herself from friends, churches or people she didn't "like". There in itself lies an imbalance. You can't expect to purge everyone that offends you from your life and wait for an apology from them (her words).
I'm not making excuses for my addiction, DW, and there are dire consequences to my actions. What I chose to do when everything hit the fan, you can read from my earliest posts.
I also agree with you that my wife is had enough and decided to move on.
If we were childless, I wouldn't bat an eye, but because of our son, I have different thoughts about this whole thing. I hope you understand.
When you say that you support my wife moving on with her life, which includes taking our son across country, you're implying that she should punish me for being an awesome father. I failed her, but not him.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2011 11:57:39 GMT -7
When you say that you support my wife moving on with her life, which includes taking our son across country, you're implying that she should punish me for being an awesome father. I failed her, but not him. Aaronleong, again; What do you achieve when you blame your wife and tell her what she should do? You have failed your son in being a role model for him. He doesn't have a father that treated his mother good. He has a father that failed to his wife.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2011 15:43:25 GMT -7
Man/DW/Everybody -- I think I will back up a little and tell y'all that neither my wife nor I were role models in this marriage. I brought porn and lies, and she brought emotional incest and other psychological trauma into the mix. But we were and are good parents, despite the fact that I didn't treat my wife like a husband should or that she was more driven and absent from our son because she was pursuing her medical profession. There's a whole lot at play here, which is too hard to describe and explain. Pointless too.
Thankfully our son is only 3. He doesn't remember a lick about what I did (firstly the issues between my wife and I were mostly private, and secondly he was one and a half years old), but he remembers mommy leaving (he was two years old then) and sadly thinks a broken home is normal. Where's the love and support of this place when people start "reminding" you (as if I don't reminding in the first place) that I screwed up my family and hurt my wife? At this point, shouldn't we all strive to be better, if not for ourselves, but also for our legacy? And no, I'm not using our son to shield my responsibility in this. I have a responsibility to him now, and if my wife thinks that it's parentally responsible to expose our son to the emotional, psychological, relational damages a child from a broken home has to offer, then...
Speaking of resentment, it's interesting (and sad) that this is the only porn addiction and divorce help website that I'm a member of (I'm active in several) where hazing by disgruntled people happens so frequently. I don't think the term 'blazing grace' is reserved to the Big Guy upstairs. We should practice that too once in a while.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2011 17:02:53 GMT -7
Dear Aaronlong,
I agree that you are hurting too, and divorce is not great for kids. It is sad to say that this particular addiction can really destroy a bond between two people, and break up a family.
But I do agree your son shouldn't be going across country away from you.
Pray for peace!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2011 0:17:05 GMT -7
Man/DW/Everybody -- I think I will back up a little and tell y'all that neither my wife nor I were role models in this marriage. I brought porn and lies, and she brought emotional incest and other psychological trauma into the mix. But we were and are good parents, despite the fact that I didn't treat my wife like a husband should or that she was more driven and absent from our son because she was pursuing her medical profession. There's a whole lot at play here, which is too hard to describe and explain. Pointless too. Thankfully our son is only 3. He doesn't remember a lick about what I did (firstly the issues between my wife and I were mostly private, and secondly he was one and a half years old), but he remembers mommy leaving (he was two years old then) and sadly thinks a broken home is normal. Where's the love and support of this place when people start "reminding" you (as if I don't reminding in the first place) that I screwed up my family and hurt my wife? At this point, shouldn't we all strive to be better, if not for ourselves, but also for our legacy? And no, I'm not using our son to shield my responsibility in this. I have a responsibility to him now, and if my wife thinks that it's parentally responsible to expose our son to the emotional, psychological, relational damages a child from a broken home has to offer, then... Speaking of resentment, it's interesting (and sad) that this is the only porn addiction and divorce help website that I'm a member of (I'm active in several) where hazing by disgruntled people happens so frequently. I don't think the term 'blazing grace' is reserved to the Big Guy upstairs. We should practice that too once in a while. "Man/DW/Everybody -- I think I will back up a little and tell y'all that neither my wife nor I were role models in this marriage. I brought porn and lies, and she brought emotional incest and other psychological trauma into the mix. But we were and are good parents, despite the fact that I didn't treat my wife like a husband should or that she was more driven and absent from our son because she was pursuing her medical profession. There's a whole lot at play here, which is too hard to describe and explain. Pointless too. " What do you achieve when you talk about your wife's mistakes? (I am not saying she doesn't have any.) What is a good parent for you? "Thankfully our son is only 3. He doesn't remember a lick about what I did (firstly the issues between my wife and I were mostly private, and secondly he was one and a half years old), but he remembers mommy leaving (he was two years old then) and sadly thinks a broken home is normal. " How do you know that your son does not remember? I am open to the idea that a child can be influenced even when it is in the womb of his/ her mother. "Where's the love and support of this place when people start "reminding" you (as if I don't reminding in the first place) that I screwed up my family and hurt my wife?" What is love and support for you? "At this point, shouldn't we all strive to be better, if not for ourselves, but also for our legacy?" Here you are trying to change other people. That's impossible. I am sorry. "And no, I'm not using our son to shield my responsibility in this." That's good. How can you take your responsibility. "I have a responsibility to him now, and if my wife thinks that it's parentally responsible to expose our son to the emotional, psychological, relational damages a child from a broken home has to offer, then..." Yes, what then? Leave it to her. Don't deal with her eventually problems. "Speaking of resentment, it's interesting (and sad) that this is the only porn addiction and divorce help website that I'm a member of (I'm active in several) where hazing by disgruntled people happens so frequently." What do you find interesting? Can you be more specific? And what do you want to achieve when blaming others? You also need to be more specific. "I don't think the term 'blazing grace' is reserved to the Big Guy upstairs. We should practice that too once in a while." Grace is very important. I agree, but what do you want to achive when you try to change others? You can't change other people. It's impossible. The only one that can change you is you, and the only one that can change your wife is your wife and so on, eventually with help from the Higher Power. Or actually the Higher Power has to do the change, but as far as I know only if the person is willing. Grace!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2011 2:03:37 GMT -7
Hi Aaron,
I am sorry that you find some of the members here unhelpful. Please look for what is helpful, and leave the rest. Sometimes those in recovery need to have tough questions asked, but I am not always certain where to draw that line.
May this also be a reminder to all members to consider the tenor of your comments and questions, which should stem from a genuine desire to help others, not the boiling over from your own pain. When each situation is not looked at separate from our own, we are in danger of projecting our details onto others, where they are not necessarily analogous situations.
TruthSeeker
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2011 6:38:00 GMT -7
[user=449]Man[/user] wrote:1. Nothing. It's pointless to project blame, but in this case I was venting in this forum, which I think is healthy. Better that than looking to porn for escapism! 2. The biggest thing? Summer 2012, she plans to have sole custody of him and take him away from his father to the East Coast. Among other things. I've journaled about some of the side effects our son is experiencing here and at other forum sites. And that's including all the standard/general problems a child of a broken home experiences. 3. Try to demonstrate (stressing the word 'demonstrate' and NOT 'try') unconditional love. I have to remember that even if she may not be my wife any more, she still is my sister in Christ. 'Nuff said. Dear Aaronleong 2. What exactly does your son suffer? What kind of fruits come out? 3. Practical actions? What are they? Best!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2011 6:25:17 GMT -7
Addicts are not awesome fathers....another self-deception.
Addicts are self-centered adolescents trapped in men's bodies. Addicts do not have the emotional where with all to be awesome fathers. Their children are noisy little distractions to be avoided at all costs or worse, objects to be exploited.
I think your perception of the whole situation is warped by your porn use.
Your wife is doing what she feels is best for her child.
See: www.netnanny.com/learn_center/article/126
|
|