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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2011 14:37:47 GMT -7
Thank you Reborn -- your words and your response mean a lot. Gratefully I have a lot of support in Adonai, my family, my friends, my congregation, my support groups, and all you folks. I am recovering and am heading on the right path, and I pray that our Lord will indeed heal and restore my wife and I...my family.
Thanks again for dropping a line, Reborn! Hope you're doing well.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2011 14:52:11 GMT -7
Ok I can tell you from someone who has been there and lost my first wife. Porn was not the only reason but definitely the biggest contributing factor. I know how much this hurts especially if you still truly love your wife. The best way to describe it is that the person you love most in this world has died. The sad part is she is not dead and with your son you will have to have a relationship with her for the rest of your life. First thing first. Move on with your recovery. Don't give in to the lie that now that you are along you can do what ever you want . You are still a father and you need to think about how you will help to raise your son. If you get through this and ask the Lord for another wife and also a Godly wife He will bring her to you. Your job is to be ready when she comes. With the Lords help your second marriage will be your last and better than you can possibly imagine. I speak from experience. This is my story. You can make it through this, but only by the grace of Jesus Christ.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2011 7:07:11 GMT -7
The best way to describe it is that the person you love most in this world has died. If you get through this and ask the Lord for another wife and also a Godly wife He will bring her to you. Your job is to be ready when she comes. With the Lords help your second marriage will be your last and better than you can possibly imagine. I speak from experience. This is my story. You can make it through this, but only by the grace of Jesus Christ.
I'm not trying to be a jerk and I'm glad that your second marriage is going great and is a blessing from God but how about praying for reconciliation and healing for his wife's heart as he still loves her?, maybe that marriage can be reborn and be better than he ever imagined?. Perhaps God will work in her life and heart to heal the wounds?. Perhaps his wife is hurting over the lies, porn, etc and needs some time to deal with everything.
www.route1520.com/traylorlovvorn/2011/01/29/what-made-our-reconciliation-possible/
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2011 7:48:00 GMT -7
It is odd that you describe losing your wife as a death. That is precisely how I describe finding the porn, finding out that my "husband" was a sex addict. The person you thought you knew doesn't exist, is not available to you and is effectively dead. Wives of porn addicts go through grief. The worst part of all.......the husband is not, in fact, dead and the wife cannot share her searing pain with anyone. SO, whereas she goes through real grief, she does not have the support of family, friends, church. She suffers in silence, putting a good face on it, pretending all is well for everyone. That's apparently our lot in life.
It's hell on earth for the wife.
I know with my heart and my head that my "husband" can never be the husband I thought I had or the husband I know I deserve. There comes a point where the marriage is irretreivably broken......the point where the wife no longer respects the husband. That marriage has no possibility of success. It's best to cut the losses and move on. I suspect Aaron's wife reached that point.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2011 8:54:27 GMT -7
Aaron, God can restore your marriage. Nothing is impossible for Him. As long as she is not remarried there is always hope. My words to you are meant to give hope. First and formost you need to get yourself clean. This can only be done through Christ. As hard as it is, don't approach sobriety with the thought of restoring your marriage, because as much as it hurts,this may never happen. As I said before you need to think about what you can do to be the best possible father for your son. God knows the desires of your heart and always has your best interest in mind. Trust in Him, and get your freedom. Everything else will come in time. One of the scriptures I leaned on the most during some of the toughest times of my life was Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2011 7:14:01 GMT -7
[user=42104]Devastated Wife[/user] wrote: Thanks DW for dropping in.
Can you please clarify what you mean with the above? Is this your experience or were you speaking generally? On one hand my wife DID indeed suffer in silence, but yet the had support from friends, church and counselors.
I do remain hopeful. If God intends for us to be together again, it would be wonderful and an amazing blessing. It would be a literal miracle! Since our separation in June 2010, I have continued to change, make 180s and look upward to better myself. Yes, I do have rough patches, but I'm glad to be on the positive path. Occasionally I think my wife (during our rare interactions) may be testing me. Perhaps she sees my changes/differences, but is rightfully doubtful about whether I'm for real or not. Sometimes I stick to my plan, but other times, she knows what buttons to press, and she sees that I'm either my old self or haven't changed enough.
I know that THIS current marriage we have is dead; it's something I made known to my wife early on. I acknowledged that I killed it. And if we were to get back together/reconcile, it would be a journey towards creating a new marriage.
Ultimately, I'm trying to be the best person I can and should be. I am trying to be THE "greener grass". I need your prayers, for myself, for my wife, for our son, and our families. We all need healing, and I know God frowns upon us walking the earth the rest of our days filled with hatred, grudges, fear and more false fronts.
Mike & Lonely - Thanks also for y'all's input and well-wishes. Right now, I have hope that my wife and I may get back together. It might even take a divorce for that to happen, and I'm ready for that (I hope). And at some point, I may reach the point where I said I've tried and fought for all its worth, and call it a day. God's grace plays a huge role in this whole process, though, so it's truly a litmus test for both my wife and I, as well as everybody in-between. If we call ourselves Christians/His followers, what would he expect us to do RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW? Are we going to keep on relying on human excuses to justify our actions and feelings or are we going to be Christ-like?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2011 7:44:32 GMT -7
Aaron,
It is a rare woman who shares this with her family, friends, church. Generally, the discovery of a porn and masturbation addiction in the husband is a very isolating event for the wife. She discovers that the husband she thought she had doesn't exist, is effectively dead, and she cannot share the pain with anyone.
I did not share this with my Mother as she was seriously ill at the time and this quite literally would have killed her. I did not share this with my children, initially, as that is grossly inappropriate. I did not share this with my brothers as the "husband" would have found himself dead. I did not share this with friends as I had no idea how to broach the subject, had no idea who to turn to. I went to the recovery pastor at our church, and he was a good source of information, but he couldn't listen to me babble on for hours on end.
If your wife shared this with family, friends, church, she undoubtedly had more support than 99.99% of us.
Best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2011 8:19:47 GMT -7
Aaron, It is a rare woman who shares this with her family, friends, church. Generally, the discovery of a porn and masturbation addiction in the husband is a very isolating event for the wife. She discovers that the husband she thought she had doesn't exist, is effectively dead, and she cannot share the pain with anyone. I did not share this with my Mother as she was seriously ill at the time and this quite literally would have killed her. I did not share this with my children, initially, as that is grossly inappropriate. I did not share this with my brothers as the "husband" would have found himself dead. I did not share this with friends as I had no idea how to broach the subject, had no idea who to turn to. I went to the recovery pastor at our church, and he was a good source of information, but he couldn't listen to me babble on for hours on end. If your wife shared this with family, friends, church, she undoubtedly had more support than 99.99% of us. Best, DW Didn't realize that the lack of external support for wives was that big of a phenomenon. Both of us came from tight, closely-knit church upbringing. My wife being the more expressive and transparent one between the two of us tended to talk about a lot of things with God (she openly talked to Him), her (church, professional, educational) friends. Mind you, she wasn't close to her family, so that might explain why my wife could very easily sought a listening ear or advice from people close to us. From the very beginning of my porn addiction, it was because of her conversations and outpouring that led us to marriage counseling, individual counseling, talks with our church minister and/or his wife. She was relatively open about it, even though she felt like she couldn't do the same with MY family. Trust issues? Phobias? I'm quite sure it has a lot to do with her family history. Our pre-marital counselor warned us of it, but I took it and her for granted in a big way. Ever since the separation however, she has left the church and gotten back with her family (long, twisted story), while receiving advice from friends who support her decision, not necessarily voices of reason or filled with Godliness.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2011 2:39:31 GMT -7
One thing that happens in situations where one spouse is lying to the other, over and over, is that the betrayed spouse can eventually feel like they don't know who they married, at all. So for her, it may not be like she is leaving a long marriage, but that she is sorting out, and grieving the marriage she thought she had. So for her, it's between 2 choices of new beginnings. One with you, or one without you. Think about this. Both are scary, and she is figuring out which one will be best. When you have not been real with who you are to her, how can she know you at all? How can she even know if she loves you, since she doesn't know you?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2011 3:37:49 GMT -7
Hi peeps! It's been awhile since I last made an entry in my thread. Life has been awesomely rambunctious the past few weeks - work load, son growing up and having his 3rd birthday, family visits, launching a new blog, and just being physically & mentally exhausted. I will make it point to get back to my journaling grove; I get the best support and self-determination when I'm in close contact with you guys.
Ops No Jack is still green. I'm on 2 months and 22 days = 84 days; hard to believe that it's almost a quarter of a year when you stand back and look at the big picture. (For the uninitiated, Ops No Jack is my resolve to not masturbate.) I also set up K9 on my PC, with my sister (in TX) getting the monthly internet activity reports. It looks pretty robust, hopefully it's as good as Safe Eyes that we used to have.
On the divorce front, things have been rather quiet. Perhaps the courts are swamped, perhaps my wife is too busy with med school to much, or maybe...I don't want to jinx it.
Hope y'all are doing great on your recovery journey.
BTW Hisheart, it is my hope that my wife is or will come to a "sorting things out" phase, at least one that involves seeing things, such as my changes since last year, our son's well-being, etc. I don't know. I hope God will intervene, if He still thinks we're ready for each other again.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2011 10:10:39 GMT -7
Day 134... It has a very involving month -- I've been busy with our son, work and life. It's taken me away from journaling here, so I apologize about that. Part of my accountability is with you all, so I should be checking in WAAAY more often
Still humbly asking for y'all prayers. I remain hopeful about a lot of things, but I won't challenge God's plan(s) for our son and I (as well as my walk-away wife). Well, maybe a little. Please pray for our hearts to heal and soften, for the sake of our son. God is all powerful!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2011 4:57:42 GMT -7
New and depressing update - 10/5/11 My lawyer left a message asking me to call her as there were some matters to discuss. I return her call and she tells me after her meeting with my wife's lawyer about two weeks ago, she was told that my wife is making allegations that I am addicted to child pornography. Truly, my past is coming back to nip me in the behind. I've never been addicted to child porn, but one of the first times my wife suspected of my porn (about 4.5-5 years ago) and searched through the computer folders, she found pictures of all kinds, and some of them were of children. They were part of a (or many) bulk zip files (the ones with hundreds or thousands of files each) I had downloaded and archived to our PC. Fortunately, I had never seen those (and many other) pictures until that day. However, that has stuck in my wife's mind ever since then.
Fast forward to today, my lawyer asked me if I am addicted to child porn. I said no, but I am still addicted to porn. I don't look at it, but I still experience internal struggles; that is, after all, the nature of any psycho-somatic addiction. I told her everything from my earlier posts here - about how I sought help from my minister (a family-marriage counselor), elders, close friends, became active and accountable to a divorce support site, and porn-recovery forum. I also told her that even though my wife is gone, I set up an internet filter on my PC and have the monthly usage reports sent to my sister. My lawyer said that's good to hear that I'm a realistic addict and true to myself, that the struggle is a constant one, unlike others who say they're done, period. Well, that's what I sounded like two years ago. What a difference that time and a separation/divorce makes.
So now I'm in two quandaries: 1. My wife knows that the only way that she can leave the state with our son is by throwing down the gauntlet (I'm surprised she didn't make physical or emotional abuse allegations while she was at it). My lawyer suggested that I pursue the next step in finalizing the divorce to protect myself and place the precedence of our son's custody terms. 2. If I do, it will (a) take our son away from his mom (who wants to move to the east coast for her medical residency, which is highly likely). He's used to 50:50 (well, more like 70:30, no thanks to mom) right now and to take that away from him would be devastating. I won't settle for less, because he has stability with me - his daycare, his friends, I have normal work hours (mom doesn't), (b) possibly kill the chance of reconciliation, and (c) until he is old enough to comprehend it, our son will have to suffer through a major adjustment phase. Needless to say, I've been pushed into a tight corner here.
Any advice is appreciate here, all -- thanks in advance!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2011 21:01:26 GMT -7
Hi Aarenleong:
I have some questions for you. If they are not helpful, please disregard them:
First post: “She was a freshman in college visiting from the US. We clicked, and thus began a great but difficult long-distance relationship due our distance. We went for counseling to deal with it, as well as some of her own major childhood problems. So my wife's life with me has been filled with deception, uncertainty, depression, and for those who've been through it -- the added stress of medical school while trying to raise a family. I still maintained my promise to help her fulfill her dreams of being a doctor to the effect that I was more often the one taking care of our son, the home, the meals, the finances, the chores, etc., but her growing distrust and resentment of me caused a lot of friction, and thus lots of fights, tears, nights on the couch. She went through the whole "You turned my switch off", "I don't love you anymore", "I have no more energy to put into this marriage", "I don't respect you anymore" dialogue, and had her thoughts validated by her friends and family. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if she truly has moved on and is treating me like a roommate she tolerates. I'm sure her lack of respect for me is that I don't have any income right now.â€
How can it help you in your recovery to focus on her eventually problems?
Second post: “Sadly, her wall is up, and this is the toughest challenge I've ever faced.â€
Who is it sad for? If you mean it is sad for her, how does it help you in your recovery to focus on her problems?
Third post (Posted: Tue Feb 1st, 2011 08:16 pm): “Even though there's no other man in her life right now, the very thought of my wife dating another man, and being physically intimate with him makes me feel absolutely awful. was her first and she was mine...call it possessiveness or whatever.â€
How does it help you in your recovery to talk about her?
“It takes me away from my goals and creates a playground for the Devil.†How do you know it is a playground for the Devil? and if it is: How does it help you to talk about it in your recovery?
What are your goals in life? What do you want to achieve?
Sorry if being rude.
What do I want to achieve? Maybe it is helpful for me to work with these things. Maybe it's helpful for me in my own walk of life. I might be a person that always come under other people and to work with this might be helpful for me.
Best regards
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2011 19:14:44 GMT -7
Dear Aaron,
I've been keeping an eye on this thread. Sorry to hear about the divorce.
As I understand it, you left your home land and made a big career sacrifice so that your wife could have her own dream career come true. She had high hopes about the marriage, but the consequences of your addiction completely destroyed her feelings of security and of trust in you.
It is very sad to say but it looks to me like she if far beyond believing that you can ever change. She will likely not even bother looking if you are making any progress. My advice would be not to count on a reconciliation anytime soon. You have more important things to focus on at the moment.
What you have left is yourself and your son.
I want to congratulate you for finally coming to terms with your addiction.
You need to remain victorious for two persons:
First of all, for yourself. As a man, you have finally regained your dignity by strapping it away from the hands of the enemy who "is only there to steal and kill and destroy" (John 10.10). You need to remain "more than a conqueror" (Romans 8:37) in that field of your life. This is like a re-birth and now you ought never to fall back. You owe it to yourself, to the people who have helped you and the people who are supporting you.
Secondly you need to remain this new, dignified man for your son. He deserves to grow up with the example of a father who is finally more than a conqueror of his sexual thoughts. Your marriage has been shattered to pieces, but you can still choose what kind of father you will be to your son and what kind of example you will set for him. THIS IS WHERE YOU HAVE POWER OVER THIS BIG MESS.
In my first lines, I wrote that you made two huge sacrifices before getting married: you gave up your country and a successful career. I understand your wife has all the reasons to blame you for the divorce, but neither that, nor her dream career gives her a right to deprive you or your son of your relationship.
She should not take your son hostage because of a problem between her and you. She feels that you failed her as a husband, but that doesn't allow her to strip you of your fatherhood.
If things are taken to court, you should get as many people on your side to testify about the nature of your addiction and blow all allegations related to child pornography. You should also demand that your wife organizes her medical residency, perhaps closer, so that you may still be able to visit your son 50:50. If that does not work out, then you should ask the court to formally allow you to relocate to remain close to your son. Once again, you would be the one making a hugh sacrifice for the sake of your wife's dream career.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2011 3:20:55 GMT -7
Wow, not sure what happened to all the chatter that was going on in here, but I'm guessing they were moderated.
UPDATE It's day 162 of Operation No Jack. Felt a need to masturbate last night (it's backed up!), but shut it down with some - don't laugh - country music.
Anyway. pardon me for writing this little biblical lesson to start off. I thought it might help some of us, at least. The lesson talks about parents and siblings, but I feel it definitely applies to anyone struggling with the thought of leaving their family or their porn addict.
The Key to a Healthy Family - pt.1 Genesis 25, 27 - Unhealthy family dynamics, namely:
1. Trying to be competitive, i.e. sibling rivalry. Done through sports, then school, looks, popularity - it all revolves around competition. Sometimes between husband and wife. Competition between parents and child. College to job, or money making. Things like these also are present in the church family.
2. Claiming independence Thinking that severing relationships with family will solve problems. We must have relationships to exist. God made us this way.
3. Hosea 2:2-15 Thinking "What's in it for me?" is selfishness. Happiness that is centered on getting "what I deserve". Some people who live on this principle (e.g. Gomer and Israel) are leeches. Why is God/Hosea married to Israel/Gomer? There is no reason for God/Hosea to love Israel/Gomer. They just do. God just does.
The Key: Unselfish Giving, i.e. Giving out of love with strings attached. God is vulnerable and lays His love on the line. That kind of love is more likely to win the human heart.
So there you have it. Thank you patiently reading this, guys. Want to know one interesting fact about this lesson? It's actually my wife's notes. Yes, you heard right -- about 10 years ago (she was 19), she took these very same notes down in a lecture she had. And one day she decided that she had enough, that I was her Gomer. What happened to that awesome, compassionate and hot woman I fell in love with? You can thank myself and her for that. Porn, lies and internet may have started all of this, but it was her who decided to drop the rope.
Cheers and happy Friday, everyone!
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