Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2009 4:25:11 GMT -7
Hello,
I am 29, and male.
The past year I have gone without masturbating, and the past 2 years I have gone without looking at pornography.
I don't know where to begin. I am so ashamed, I have so much wrong with me, it seems hopeless.
I guess it all started when I was 14 years old, the idea of bestiality got into my head, and I went through with it. It was the most exhilarating experience I had had. Previous to that I had a miserable time with my peers, and in school. I was shy, nerdy, and seemed to attract torment from bullies, and the females were ruthless to me, singling me out for especially disgusting torment. I realize that some people exaggerate, but please believe me, I am not. It's like I was cursed.
I developed a hatred of females, a strong, deep rooted loathing of them. I have had two girlfriends in my life but neither lasted long. I didn't have sexual relations with either of them or a woman, ever. It seemed to me, in my lonely miserable life that my only friends were animals. I remember laying down with my dog when I was young, holding her, because she was all I had. I didn't have friends, a father, a mother, siblings, or a girlfriend. (I have brothers, a mother, and a father, but I never got close to them)
My father was extremely physically abusive, breaking my arms, ribs, etc, so that I had to hide the pain in school. I couldn't laugh sometimes because I had broken ribs. I couldn't go to the doctor because I would be taken away. There are parts of my childhood that I do not remember, large portions blanked out. I do not know what happened, but I know I was beaten terribly from 3 years old until 14, when I picked up a screwdriver and almost killed my father with it. If he would have taken another step towards me, I would have run him through. But he turned and walked away and never touched me again.
I have a feeling I was also sexually abused by a male, or possibly female (both? who can say) but I honestly don't know.
I became addicted to molesting the family dog, and soon it sprang out to bestiality pornography on the internet, and then chat rooms. I am not sure when, but then I met an older man, who had a lot of money, who also had a dog and had child porn. (I never liked child porn. I would never hurt a child. I remember being hurt so bad as a child I would never do that to a kid. I'd rather DIE than be responsible for making someone else like me)
I ended up being in a homosexual video with another man. From there, I went on to sleep with 2 more men. I struggle a great deal with homosexuality, and bestiality. Sometimes I would find a stray dog and let it have it's way so to speak. I did this many times with animals. I suffered and struggled so much with homosexuality, if I had given in I'd be dead of AIDS by now.
There were times when I was literally sweating and shaking from the temptations.
Finding a man to have sex with on the internet is fast, and easy. There are websites devoted to immediate hooking up. I know it is wrong, and by the grace of God I have not slept with a man in maybe 9 years.
Please bear with me, this is hard for me to write.
I also struggle with an addiction to "furry" pornography, which is essentially animals drawn out with human characteristics. I believe it is a bridge for so many, to have a lust for animals, but also wanting to bridge it to human beings. I found furry pornography when I was young and it has hooked onto me so deeply. I can go for a long time without looking at it, but it seems to be rooted inside of me in a way that I don't understand.
When I was very very young, I do not know what age I was, I remember reading "The Jungle Book" (One of the precious few memories I have of my childhood) and seeing pictures of the motherly wolf. I fell in love with the image and idea of an animal caring for a human. It cried out to me in a way that I cannot explain. I have had a life long love for wolves, that may have started out as something good, but that through the furry art was turned into something else entirely.
With my past of misogyny, homosexuality, and bestiality, God has shown me that subconsciously I have wanted a wolf as a life-mate, a wife. I believed deep down in a childish way that I could have a loving relationship with an animal, just like a married person would have with his wife. I couldn't believe it, but it is the truth. I always would shy away from introspecting, until God showed me.
I believe this false belief is what fuels my furry porn addiction, I want to be loved, even by an animal.
I have to share this, too. I always regarded wolves higher than people, higher than myself. I was obsessed with them. I volunteered at an exotic animal sanctuary on and off for many years. I would be tempted with thoughts, but I would fight them. I never thought I would touch an animal so sacred to me like that. I inappropriately touched one of the animals, but caught myself and ran away from it.
Then, years later, I found myself tormented with thoughts of lust. A voice filled my mind "You will lose your soul forever (And go to hell) if you go into that pen", I was filled with terror. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It was like the forces of hell were right there. I went into the pen, but I did not molest the animal. I was overcome with a though of "What the hell are you doing?".
I ran out of there, packed my stuff up and left. However, I have spent the last 4 years of my life recovering from that experience. God had allowed Satan to tear down my Hedge of protection, and do everything to me, but affect my physically. I experienced such demonic torment, I do not know how I am still alive today except by the grace of God. I could literally FEEL the demons crawling on me, and holding on to parts of my body for YEARS. I am nowhere near being over this experience.
Through it, being literally spiritually torn apart, I have found so much darkness inside of me. So much is made clear. As if someone has been gutted, you can see the problems within the organs, so to speak. Still, I struggle.
Several miracles have happened to me during the worst parts of it, things that I can never fully explain, but God still loved me. When I was very young, I died. I remember God holding me and loving me. I was in peace. But I felt myself start to go back, (To living) and I said "I don't want to go back", but God said "You have to". I have struggled with being upset with God over putting me back in this world.
I know my homosexuality is from the love I never received from my father. I looking for a father figure in other men. However, it is much more than that. It is also such torment from Satan, in the form of temptations that are unlike anything someone who has never struggled with can ever understand. It can affect you physically like withdrawing from any drug.
Coupled with furry porn, which brings together homosexuality, animals, and men. I can get it anywhere.
I have been so lonely. I have been longing to be loved, by someone, anyone. Not every animal I care about I have molested.
In church recently, a woman I do not know came up to me and told me God has a wife for me, and that she would be 'perfect'. In my heart for months before that, I had been told the same thing. I had been so worried, what if she was filled with darkness like those girls who tortured me were?
I started to go on Christian dating sites, and I posted my picture. I got a lot of replies, so many that I became overwhelmed, and frightened. If I made a mistake I would regret it for the rest of my life. I struggled with it when God put His Hand on my shoulder and said "I will bring her to you", and the knowledge that if I continued to look online I would choose "poorly".
I recently looked up some furry porn and was overwhelmed with condemnation. It had been so long. It had been so long, before. I thought I was done with it. I was so wrong. I am starting to see, it is more than an addiction to pornography, it is a longing for love.
I have struggled with thoughts of suicide, laying on the floor cradling a loaded rifle and sobbing. I think of suicide sometimes like people think of taking a long desired vacation. I have been thinking a lot recently of hanging myself. I have gone so long without sinning, I have attended church faithfully 3 times a week now for over a year, I am active in my church, I help out with the food ministry to the hungry and homeless, and everyone here loves me.
They know I have problems, but they do not know what. Who will really listen to me and not judge me?
To add to it, I know that God has a calling for me to be in the ministry for homosexuals. I know so much about it, so many Christians are so afraid to say anything, it is really causing so many Christians to stumble, and even support it. I ask God how I can help anyone, when I cannot even help myself. I have been thinking of just hanging myself recently. I have made a habit out of thinking about suicide, but God has warned me not to do that.
I can be honest, the only reason I am still alive today is because I cannot imagine a worse place than this. I cannot imagine a worse hell than living my life. I don't want to find out, I don't want to go there. So I endure, and I endure.
I remember being very young (Less than 10), and wanting to climb up on my mothers stove, and burn myself to death. I didn't want to live even before I knew what "suicide" meant.
I don't want relief, if Satan can take it from me. I don't want to be healed if I will just be injured again.
I also have a lot of pride, so much that it is unreal. I have nothing to be proud of. I have everything to be ashamed of. I ask God to take this goddamned pride away from me. I am so lonely, and I have done such terrible things. I have even entertained a misanthropic view of humanity, and my friends (Who were criminals anyway) would call me "Psycho Dave" because they knew I would hurt them if they ever crossed me, and they were right. Some of my friends would never pick fights with me, because they knew I always had a gun, and I was always filled with hate.
I am so tired. I am so tired of living. God has promised me healing, but it is a long way off. Somehow God is able to give me strength to go on, but many times I will be riding my motorcycle and just think about drifting into a semi truck. I pray to God to take my life away from me, and either end it or give me a new one. I tell God "If you want to end my life today that is fine".
I think about the people who care about me, and how bad the truck driver would feel, and I don't do it. I am never serious, but sometimes the only relief it seems that can come comes from the thought of not having to live anymore.
I could go on and on. I don't know what else to say. Since I looked at the pornography and masturbated, I have really asked God to help me, and He has shown me I am not addicted to pornography, I am addicted to the thought of finding a mate in an animal, or a man. Still, I desire the images of creatures that do not even exist, more than I desire God. I desire to be hurt more than I desire God. I often just really hate God for putting me back here, even though He has been kind to me, and even loved me so much when I died.
I have to say, I am a loner. I have always been. I have always been hurt by people so I stay to myself. It is extremely difficult for me to go see a Christian friend. It is just uncomfortable. People think I don't like them but that is not true.
I know I have an unrealistic view of how things should be. I think I should always be happy, always overcome everything wrong in me, and just be a super-Christian. Obviously, I couldn't be more deceived. I end up being bitter towards God when even the smallest thing happens to me. I blow up and blame God.
I am starting to see that suffering is every part of Christianity as it is for anything else, and more so. I am struggling with the thought of Christian life being constant pain as you are turned into something different than the world can offer, and it being a constant euphoria where your every sin is dismissed and tucked away deep in your psyche as a small "oops".
I will stop here. I have written a lot, I don't want to overwhelm anyone. I apologize. This is hard for me, but it's not as hard as living.
Dave
I am 29, and male.
The past year I have gone without masturbating, and the past 2 years I have gone without looking at pornography.
I don't know where to begin. I am so ashamed, I have so much wrong with me, it seems hopeless.
I guess it all started when I was 14 years old, the idea of bestiality got into my head, and I went through with it. It was the most exhilarating experience I had had. Previous to that I had a miserable time with my peers, and in school. I was shy, nerdy, and seemed to attract torment from bullies, and the females were ruthless to me, singling me out for especially disgusting torment. I realize that some people exaggerate, but please believe me, I am not. It's like I was cursed.
I developed a hatred of females, a strong, deep rooted loathing of them. I have had two girlfriends in my life but neither lasted long. I didn't have sexual relations with either of them or a woman, ever. It seemed to me, in my lonely miserable life that my only friends were animals. I remember laying down with my dog when I was young, holding her, because she was all I had. I didn't have friends, a father, a mother, siblings, or a girlfriend. (I have brothers, a mother, and a father, but I never got close to them)
My father was extremely physically abusive, breaking my arms, ribs, etc, so that I had to hide the pain in school. I couldn't laugh sometimes because I had broken ribs. I couldn't go to the doctor because I would be taken away. There are parts of my childhood that I do not remember, large portions blanked out. I do not know what happened, but I know I was beaten terribly from 3 years old until 14, when I picked up a screwdriver and almost killed my father with it. If he would have taken another step towards me, I would have run him through. But he turned and walked away and never touched me again.
I have a feeling I was also sexually abused by a male, or possibly female (both? who can say) but I honestly don't know.
I became addicted to molesting the family dog, and soon it sprang out to bestiality pornography on the internet, and then chat rooms. I am not sure when, but then I met an older man, who had a lot of money, who also had a dog and had child porn. (I never liked child porn. I would never hurt a child. I remember being hurt so bad as a child I would never do that to a kid. I'd rather DIE than be responsible for making someone else like me)
I ended up being in a homosexual video with another man. From there, I went on to sleep with 2 more men. I struggle a great deal with homosexuality, and bestiality. Sometimes I would find a stray dog and let it have it's way so to speak. I did this many times with animals. I suffered and struggled so much with homosexuality, if I had given in I'd be dead of AIDS by now.
There were times when I was literally sweating and shaking from the temptations.
Finding a man to have sex with on the internet is fast, and easy. There are websites devoted to immediate hooking up. I know it is wrong, and by the grace of God I have not slept with a man in maybe 9 years.
Please bear with me, this is hard for me to write.
I also struggle with an addiction to "furry" pornography, which is essentially animals drawn out with human characteristics. I believe it is a bridge for so many, to have a lust for animals, but also wanting to bridge it to human beings. I found furry pornography when I was young and it has hooked onto me so deeply. I can go for a long time without looking at it, but it seems to be rooted inside of me in a way that I don't understand.
When I was very very young, I do not know what age I was, I remember reading "The Jungle Book" (One of the precious few memories I have of my childhood) and seeing pictures of the motherly wolf. I fell in love with the image and idea of an animal caring for a human. It cried out to me in a way that I cannot explain. I have had a life long love for wolves, that may have started out as something good, but that through the furry art was turned into something else entirely.
With my past of misogyny, homosexuality, and bestiality, God has shown me that subconsciously I have wanted a wolf as a life-mate, a wife. I believed deep down in a childish way that I could have a loving relationship with an animal, just like a married person would have with his wife. I couldn't believe it, but it is the truth. I always would shy away from introspecting, until God showed me.
I believe this false belief is what fuels my furry porn addiction, I want to be loved, even by an animal.
I have to share this, too. I always regarded wolves higher than people, higher than myself. I was obsessed with them. I volunteered at an exotic animal sanctuary on and off for many years. I would be tempted with thoughts, but I would fight them. I never thought I would touch an animal so sacred to me like that. I inappropriately touched one of the animals, but caught myself and ran away from it.
Then, years later, I found myself tormented with thoughts of lust. A voice filled my mind "You will lose your soul forever (And go to hell) if you go into that pen", I was filled with terror. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It was like the forces of hell were right there. I went into the pen, but I did not molest the animal. I was overcome with a though of "What the hell are you doing?".
I ran out of there, packed my stuff up and left. However, I have spent the last 4 years of my life recovering from that experience. God had allowed Satan to tear down my Hedge of protection, and do everything to me, but affect my physically. I experienced such demonic torment, I do not know how I am still alive today except by the grace of God. I could literally FEEL the demons crawling on me, and holding on to parts of my body for YEARS. I am nowhere near being over this experience.
Through it, being literally spiritually torn apart, I have found so much darkness inside of me. So much is made clear. As if someone has been gutted, you can see the problems within the organs, so to speak. Still, I struggle.
Several miracles have happened to me during the worst parts of it, things that I can never fully explain, but God still loved me. When I was very young, I died. I remember God holding me and loving me. I was in peace. But I felt myself start to go back, (To living) and I said "I don't want to go back", but God said "You have to". I have struggled with being upset with God over putting me back in this world.
I know my homosexuality is from the love I never received from my father. I looking for a father figure in other men. However, it is much more than that. It is also such torment from Satan, in the form of temptations that are unlike anything someone who has never struggled with can ever understand. It can affect you physically like withdrawing from any drug.
Coupled with furry porn, which brings together homosexuality, animals, and men. I can get it anywhere.
I have been so lonely. I have been longing to be loved, by someone, anyone. Not every animal I care about I have molested.
In church recently, a woman I do not know came up to me and told me God has a wife for me, and that she would be 'perfect'. In my heart for months before that, I had been told the same thing. I had been so worried, what if she was filled with darkness like those girls who tortured me were?
I started to go on Christian dating sites, and I posted my picture. I got a lot of replies, so many that I became overwhelmed, and frightened. If I made a mistake I would regret it for the rest of my life. I struggled with it when God put His Hand on my shoulder and said "I will bring her to you", and the knowledge that if I continued to look online I would choose "poorly".
I recently looked up some furry porn and was overwhelmed with condemnation. It had been so long. It had been so long, before. I thought I was done with it. I was so wrong. I am starting to see, it is more than an addiction to pornography, it is a longing for love.
I have struggled with thoughts of suicide, laying on the floor cradling a loaded rifle and sobbing. I think of suicide sometimes like people think of taking a long desired vacation. I have been thinking a lot recently of hanging myself. I have gone so long without sinning, I have attended church faithfully 3 times a week now for over a year, I am active in my church, I help out with the food ministry to the hungry and homeless, and everyone here loves me.
They know I have problems, but they do not know what. Who will really listen to me and not judge me?
To add to it, I know that God has a calling for me to be in the ministry for homosexuals. I know so much about it, so many Christians are so afraid to say anything, it is really causing so many Christians to stumble, and even support it. I ask God how I can help anyone, when I cannot even help myself. I have been thinking of just hanging myself recently. I have made a habit out of thinking about suicide, but God has warned me not to do that.
I can be honest, the only reason I am still alive today is because I cannot imagine a worse place than this. I cannot imagine a worse hell than living my life. I don't want to find out, I don't want to go there. So I endure, and I endure.
I remember being very young (Less than 10), and wanting to climb up on my mothers stove, and burn myself to death. I didn't want to live even before I knew what "suicide" meant.
I don't want relief, if Satan can take it from me. I don't want to be healed if I will just be injured again.
I also have a lot of pride, so much that it is unreal. I have nothing to be proud of. I have everything to be ashamed of. I ask God to take this goddamned pride away from me. I am so lonely, and I have done such terrible things. I have even entertained a misanthropic view of humanity, and my friends (Who were criminals anyway) would call me "Psycho Dave" because they knew I would hurt them if they ever crossed me, and they were right. Some of my friends would never pick fights with me, because they knew I always had a gun, and I was always filled with hate.
I am so tired. I am so tired of living. God has promised me healing, but it is a long way off. Somehow God is able to give me strength to go on, but many times I will be riding my motorcycle and just think about drifting into a semi truck. I pray to God to take my life away from me, and either end it or give me a new one. I tell God "If you want to end my life today that is fine".
I think about the people who care about me, and how bad the truck driver would feel, and I don't do it. I am never serious, but sometimes the only relief it seems that can come comes from the thought of not having to live anymore.
I could go on and on. I don't know what else to say. Since I looked at the pornography and masturbated, I have really asked God to help me, and He has shown me I am not addicted to pornography, I am addicted to the thought of finding a mate in an animal, or a man. Still, I desire the images of creatures that do not even exist, more than I desire God. I desire to be hurt more than I desire God. I often just really hate God for putting me back here, even though He has been kind to me, and even loved me so much when I died.
I have to say, I am a loner. I have always been. I have always been hurt by people so I stay to myself. It is extremely difficult for me to go see a Christian friend. It is just uncomfortable. People think I don't like them but that is not true.
I know I have an unrealistic view of how things should be. I think I should always be happy, always overcome everything wrong in me, and just be a super-Christian. Obviously, I couldn't be more deceived. I end up being bitter towards God when even the smallest thing happens to me. I blow up and blame God.
I am starting to see that suffering is every part of Christianity as it is for anything else, and more so. I am struggling with the thought of Christian life being constant pain as you are turned into something different than the world can offer, and it being a constant euphoria where your every sin is dismissed and tucked away deep in your psyche as a small "oops".
I will stop here. I have written a lot, I don't want to overwhelm anyone. I apologize. This is hard for me, but it's not as hard as living.
Dave